Another Confirmation I'm Better Off

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A friend told me this today, and he's reminded me in the past. 

Yesterday, I and the kids had just arrived home. D7 was copping a 'tude, so I sent her to her room.  My car's boot/hatch was open as I was unloading groceries.  My home front door was  wide open.  I turned around and their mom came in,  no knock or call-out "I'm here!" I would have been polite enough to do that, but that's me.  She was dropping off the kids' backpacks for school. I was expecting her to drop by.  I told her that her daughter was in her room, angry.

As she went down the hallway she said, "the house is stuffy, it needs to be aired out." I called out,  "we just got home 3 minutes ago!" She didn't respond.  I left the AC off in the day because it had cooled down outside after a hot weekend.  Of course I opened up windows after she left. Small home, within 10 minutes the breeze blows throughout the house. 

One minute in, a criticism. I look back and wonder how I put up with the almost daily little criticisms like this (not to mention the more vehement angry episodes), death of a r/s by a thousand cuts. That says more about me than her. 

[Turkish]

A friend told me this today, and he's reminded me in the past. 

Yesterday, I and the kids had just arrived home. D7 was copping a 'tude, so I sent her to her room.  My car's boot/hatch was open as I was unloading groceries.  My home front door was  wide open.  I turned around and their mom came in,  no knock or call-out "I'm here!" I would have been polite enough to do that, but that's me.  She was dropping off the kids' backpacks for school. I was expecting her to drop by.  I told her that her daughter was in her room, angry.

As she went down the hallway she said, "the house is stuffy, it needs to be aired out." I called out,  "we just got home 3 minutes ago!" She didn't respond.  I left the AC off in the day because it had cooled down outside after a hot weekend.  Of course I opened up windows after she left. Small home, within 10 minutes the breeze blows throughout the house. 

One minute in, a criticism. I look back and wonder how I put up with the almost daily little criticisms like this (not to mention the more vehement angry episodes), death of a r/s by a thousand cuts. That says more about me than her. 

[ColdKnight]

Hi Turkish,

It’s good to here from you, dare I say, old timers. Lol.

It really puts things in perspective for me at least. It lets me know that some day I will be in that space of peace as well.

How long have you been apart?

[Turkish]

She left February, 2014, after living with us for 4 months in her r/s with her stbxh. She's "happy" she told me recently. I don't ask about the divorce, but she's already looking for a new man.

[Longterm]

 

  One minute in, a criticism.

I remember things like this myself. If my ex was ever out the house it would have to be perfect upon her return. I could clean for hours, could cook a nice meal and even get her clothes ready for a shower etc, yet she would always find something wrong, something to criticize. They seem to never be happy, and if they are, its short lived.

LT.

[I Am Redeemed]

Oh yes, the always present criticism. Didn't matter how perfect I made things, either. House could be spotless, toys put away, dinner made, etc. But... I didn't clean the top of the refrigerator

Once I locked the keys in the house while trying to go pick up my girls from school. I had my one year old son, I was seven months pregnant, and it was hot as blazes outside. After about a half hour I managed to finally get the door open to get inside and get the keys, then rush to get the girls from school. When ubpdh got home, he said, "you could have pulled the trash can to the curb while you were out there".
Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh.

[RomanticFool]

Turkish,

You have helped me an awful lot on these boards and I identify with what you are saying. I am realising what life is like without constant character assassinations and being told I’m an abuser and a narcissist on a daily basis. I know why I put up with it for nearly a year. I know why I went crawling back every time she ghosted me and cut me off WhatsApp, not to mention ended the r/s. I am starting to come to my senses and realise that whatever my feelings were for her, they weren’t healthy and neither was the r/s. I am beginning to rediscover my self esteem. It will take a long time for me to recover, but I see green shoots starting to sprout and you clearly are in the Elysian Fields of recovery. I am inspired by your words.

[GaGrl]

My DH's ex is a constant stream of negativity and critical comment. Adults around her know to expect it. It hurts when the granddaughters become targets -- one granddaughter was on her way to play a holiday concert for the city Youth Symphony (a big, big deal to have auditioned and been selected), and was dressed in the requisite black dress. Ex was picked up, got in the car, looked at GD, and said, "Is THAT what you're going to wear? Do we have time to go back to your house and change? Maybe we have time to stop by Dillard's when we get downtown." GD was completely deflated. ( By the way, she looked fine.)

This is why my SD38 will hang up from her morning call on the way to work. "Mom, you're being too negative, and I can't take negativity into my clients." She does medical and hospice massage therapy.

it must take up a lot of mental, spiritual, and emotional space to view the world through a lens of what is wrong with everyone and everything. Exhausting.

[Turkish]

I am starting to come to my senses and realise that whatever my feelings were for her, they weren’t healthy and neither was the r/s. I am beginning to rediscover my self esteem.

RF, this is good. Keep following this path.  It's unhealthy for any of us to let others define who we are. Our Real Selves. We can get lost in our relationships.

Had another incident tonight at back to school. She invalidated both kids (D7 started crying). I was mad/sad, but had to be true to myself, for me, and for the kids, in order to mirror my real self, apart from her. I wanted to fix, but my job isn't to fix her. My job is to be the best Me. For myself, and for my kids.

Kids notwithstanding, it's my job to be the best Me.

[mama-wolf]

Thanks for sharing this, Turkish.  No matter how small, it's those constant criticisms, comments, "innocent" observations about something that's wrong with their world--something they expect us to fix or be responsible for, but with a denial that it had anything to do with us--that really chip away at your identity, self-worth, and the relationship itself.  Like you said, death by a thousand cuts.

My T has brought it up a few times...the absence of the criticism, and whether it was nice to enjoy X activity without that present...trying to help me remember I'm better off now.  It has been a while since we have focused there, and it's good to have your post as a reminder.

mw