4 Years and now this

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been with my BPD boyfriend for a little over 4 years. He is a textbook BPD with almost all of the 9 symptoms of BPD. This has been the most tumultuous relationship I have ever been in. It has been like being on a rollercoaster with a blindfold on, not knowing what is coming around the corner. With that being said he ended it last Monday because I didn't feel like having sex with him at 5 in the morning. We live together right now and unfortunately I don't have the means to move out at this time or in the near future so I am having to stay in the house with him. I have been having a pretty tough time of it but I have been trying to go NC with him. I am only speaking to him if I need to and pretty much leaving him alone. Well fast forward to this past Sunday. He came up to me and started talking to me about how he loves me and he does want to be with me forever and he just wants to be happy and if we can be happy together than he wants to be with me. We talked for awhile and he actually listened to me when I said I wasn't the only problem and he really needed to work on himself as well. He agreed and then we had "makeup" sex and everything that evening seemed pretty good and he came back and slept in the same bed with me. Everything has been seeming pretty copacetic for the past two days. Well this morning as I was leaving for work he says he thinks he is going to go back upstairs to sleep. I said why? he gave me a look and said well we aren't together so I don't need to be sleeping in the same bed as you. I got upset which I know I shouldn't have and said why would you tell me this 30 seconds before I am leaving for work? he said something I didn't hear because I was walking out the door. He calls me about 20mins later and says he was sorry for making me upset but we already spoke about this and I should understand. I was pretty cold during the conversation and really didn't give him much I just said yep got it and I am driving and I got off the phone. When I got home he was upstairs with the door closed so I left him alone. My roommate and I cooked dinner and hung out.  At about 9PM her boyfriend went upstairs to see what he was doing. I guess he had been sleeping the entire time. I went outside when he came downstairs. Smoked a Cig and then went to my bedroom. Opened the door and he was in the bed going back to sleep! This morning on his way out to work he tried to bait me into an argument I didn't argue with him at all he then called me 3 times and when I called him back because I thought it was an Emergency it was about something trivial that he was trying to bait me into arguing again. I just need some help I love him so much and I don't want to not be with him, but I cannot keep going in this circle anymore.

[Texasgirl112]

I have been with my BPD boyfriend for a little over 4 years. He is a textbook BPD with almost all of the 9 symptoms of BPD. This has been the most tumultuous relationship I have ever been in. It has been like being on a rollercoaster with a blindfold on, not knowing what is coming around the corner. With that being said he ended it last Monday because I didn't feel like having sex with him at 5 in the morning. We live together right now and unfortunately I don't have the means to move out at this time or in the near future so I am having to stay in the house with him. I have been having a pretty tough time of it but I have been trying to go NC with him. I am only speaking to him if I need to and pretty much leaving him alone. Well fast forward to this past Sunday. He came up to me and started talking to me about how he loves me and he does want to be with me forever and he just wants to be happy and if we can be happy together than he wants to be with me. We talked for awhile and he actually listened to me when I said I wasn't the only problem and he really needed to work on himself as well. He agreed and then we had "makeup" sex and everything that evening seemed pretty good and he came back and slept in the same bed with me. Everything has been seeming pretty copacetic for the past two days. Well this morning as I was leaving for work he says he thinks he is going to go back upstairs to sleep. I said why? he gave me a look and said well we aren't together so I don't need to be sleeping in the same bed as you. I got upset which I know I shouldn't have and said why would you tell me this 30 seconds before I am leaving for work? he said something I didn't hear because I was walking out the door. He calls me about 20mins later and says he was sorry for making me upset but we already spoke about this and I should understand. I was pretty cold during the conversation and really didn't give him much I just said yep got it and I am driving and I got off the phone. When I got home he was upstairs with the door closed so I left him alone. My roommate and I cooked dinner and hung out.  At about 9PM her boyfriend went upstairs to see what he was doing. I guess he had been sleeping the entire time. I went outside when he came downstairs. Smoked a Cig and then went to my bedroom. Opened the door and he was in the bed going back to sleep! This morning on his way out to work he tried to bait me into an argument I didn't argue with him at all he then called me 3 times and when I called him back because I thought it was an Emergency it was about something trivial that he was trying to bait me into arguing again. I just need some help I love him so much and I don't want to not be with him, but I cannot keep going in this circle anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Texasgirl! Welcome!

That is a tricky situation. You've landed in a good place, though. Many of us here can recognize elements of the story you've told. Unfortunately, it's something we've all dealt with in one way or another. When my uBPDh was in his bad phase, he seemed to go back and forth and the push-pull was enough to give me emotional whiplash.

Anyway, we're here to help however we can.

Has your BF been diagnosed or ever gotten any treatment?

Also, have you looked around at the articles and workshops here on the website? There's a LOT of valuable info about communication and understanding BPD. One thing that really helped me (and led me here) was reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's an eye-opener that gets inside the BPD mind. For instance, you seem to indicate that what triggered this was your refusal to have sex at 5 a.m. Not unreasonable on your part. But pwBPD tend to feel rejection VERY strongly. It's that fear of abandonment kicking into overdrive. And sometimes how we say something is even more important than what we say.

There's a lot to sort through and it can be overwhelming. Sometimes it helps to break it down into "bite-sized" pieces. If you were to look back on one of your difficult interactions, are there things you would do or say differently? Or things that he did or said that are red flags? Giving us details helps us know better how to help you!