Signs of After Math of Being in Romantic Relationship of a pwBPD?

[Angie59]

Hello everyone!   

I'm curious to know if any of you have experienced from perhaps a loved one who was in a romantic relationship with a pwBPD, but is now no longer, who displays possible symptoms of aftermath of this relationship.  By this I mean, short, clipped and almost annoyed or angry answers to a question or comment you make that really did not warrant such a reaction.  Example:

Phone rings, my son looks down at it and says that was K (a new girl he has had a few dates with), but doesn't answer it. 

I just nodded and didn't respond verbally.  I really didn't have anything to say.

About 10 minutes later, phone rings again, he looks over to me and tells me that it was "K" again.  I jokingly say, "Oh, playing hard to get, huh?" 

He replies somewhat angrily, "I don't need to call her back just as soon as she calls me." 

Okaay... I really didn't care if he called her back or not - it didn't matter to me one way or the other.  I don't even know this girl and it's none of my business anyway.  I was merely making a joke.

I too, have lots of anger still inside of me for things that occurred in the past while he was in the relationship with the pwBPD.  There were quite a few instances where we were made to be "in the wrong" about subjects that he now has totally flipped on and agrees with what we originally had said.  Yet, you put your family through hell over the situation and "painted us black," but all of a sudden we were right?

I know that I can't do anything to really change him, but I have thought of having a conversation with him about it, because I'm beginning to feel that I don't know how to really have a conversation with him anymore.  No mom wants to feel that way; it feels terrible.  I'm just tired of getting my head bit off! 

Part of the conversation would consist of his sense of himself.  The things he argued with us about in his previous relationship with his ex-uBP girlfriend are things that should be part of your values, beliefs, and what is at your core being - who you are and what you stand for - what is right and what is wrong.  I don't feel these things should be wavering depending on who you are with.  I also feel you can certainly have a relationship with someone and have different beliefs about things (for example, religious views), but if you wholeheartedly believe in God, or a higher power, you certainly wouldn't lose that faith just because someone you are involved does not believe in this.  This is you - your beliefs, your standards, your values.  They should not waver, because if they do, you would be just like chameleon who changes with whoever you are with, and take on their believes, values, etc...  Very unhealthy, and a sense of not really knowing who you are.

This occurred with my son.  How could things before be so "right" and we ended up hurt and in arguments with him, and now that you are no longer with her, you feel those same things were wrong?

After our visit yesterday with him, I found my mind, once again boggled but all this.  I thought when they split up, the mind boggling was finally over for me.  Obviously, I was wrong, because I'm still sitting here scratching my head!

Anyone else, or any other experiences anyone might have to share? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I don't have exactly the same experience because it is my son who has BPD. But the way you describe your son, permeable boundaries, lots of projection, splitting, sounds a little like BPD symptoms. Is it possible his ex is not the only one with mental health issues?

[livednlearned]

It's not uncommon for pwBPD (no sense of self) to partner with someone who has a weak sense of self. It's often said here that healthy people don't tend to get into relationships with pwBPD, so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary if your son has some kind of arrested development of self.

From other posts, it sounds like he has some emotion regulation issues of his own (procrastination can be considered an emotion regulation issue).

My son's therapist talked about the importance of using the language labeling part of our brains to identify and name emotions so we aren't as susceptible to acting on emotion without mixing it with reason (wisemind).

Perhaps your son bites your head off because he is unable to identify and label how he feels, he just reacts with whatever feeling he has, expressing it toward whomever happens to be the closest target.

Another sign that there are problems regulating emotions is apparently the absence of emotion (avoidance). Instead of learning to regulate emotions and tolerate them, some of us shoved them deep and put a lid on them. They become too scary to experience and instead of learning to manage them, we stuff them deep.

What did you say when he snapped at you?

[Angie59]

Good morning everyone!   

FaithHopeandLove,

I can't answer your question about mental health issues with my son, as I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist or a credentialed person to diagnose him.  My son has always had a bit of an attitude when answering questions that would sound flip or being somewhat of a jerk, for lack of better word.  Many times I would call him out on this and he would readily apologize.  Now I see somewhat the same thing, but there seems to be some anger behind it.  I tend to think it is aftermath of the relationship from the relationship with his ex-uBPD because I think he is truly angry about many things that occurred, and maybe even at himself for not standing up to her, mistakenly trusting her, etc...and the whole outcome.  That's just my take on it.  I personally think anyone who comes out of a relationship with a BPD will have some mental health issues going on for awhile because after 5-1/2 years, it had to be quite a roller coaster ride, and an abusive one at that!

Livednlearned, again, I'm not sure what is going on with him.  I'm not a qualified person to say.  Perhaps he does have some emotion regulation issues.  I do know he is not the same person he was when began the relationship with his ex-uBPD, and some of those qualities are certainly not for the better.  I believe saying that he perhaps has mental health issues may be a bit of a leap.  I also believe that we have all acted on a feeling before sitting there and contemplating it for awhile, as feelings can be very strong, or sometimes one can be flippant for a number of reasons.  I don't really see him as having an emotion regulation issue. 

I see differences in him since he was in this relationship.  Sometimes they are hard to explain in words, but I think a lot went on that we don't know about, and I don't really want to know what all happened to be honest, because as his mom, it would only hurt me more than I already am knowing all the terrible things that happened. 

I am not a quick thinker on my feet, in answer to your question about what did I say to him when he made his remark about recalling the girl he was dating.  Sometimes when people react in such a way, I'm more in awe of it and sit and wonder why they would have said something like that so sharply, so by the time I can come up with an remark back to them, too much time has passed and it seems it is not worth saying anything.  My response probably would have been just as flip and I would have said something like, "I don't really care if you call her back now or ever; I was just kidding around to begin with." 

Again, I can't really say for sure what is going on with him.  The reason I wrote this post is because I wondered what the "aftermath" of being in a relationship with a uBPD could be on the non-BPD.  I believe my son should have taken time before dating to see a T and work on himself first.  He has a lot of work to do there, as we probably all do, but I believe more so for someone coming out of this type of relationship.

[Resiliant]

Hi Angie,

I agree with you when you say that it's not for you to diagnose someone.  I feel the same way, so I am saying this carefully when I say that I think that I may have been married to a pwBPD.   Now that I have learned so much about this I am 99% sure that I was.

Is it possible that with all that you and he have been through before that your son is more guarded about his future relationships and would rather keep you out of it until he is more confident in them?

 Or, something she may have recently said or did triggered some memories for him and caused him to feel annoyed which could be why he snapped at you.   It could even be just the fact that she is calling twice in a row.

Also, after being in such a needy relationship in the past I can understand why he would not want her to think that he is going to be available to her every beck and call 24/7.   Maybe he doesn't want to make that mistake again.

I don't know if this helps, I'm just saying how it might have felt to me.

All the best