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Author Topic: How do you deal with the anger of your BPD SO leaving you?  (Read 473 times)
gadget
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« on: September 19, 2019, 05:03:40 PM »

I’m getting better all the time.  But today realized my one hang up I’m not past yet is being mad at her for leaving me.

How have you all coped/gotten past that anger?

Thanks

Gadget
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2019, 06:07:03 PM »

I guess this is part of the dance but I go back and forth from being angry to guilty. I wish I would have discovered this resource before she left. Maybe I could have used the info here to make a difference. My anger comes from knowing I was doing everything I could to be a good husband but my best and who I am as a person is not good enough for her. The complete betrayal of that makes me angry. But I still miss her terribly. I’m ashamed of that I must admit. Who lets someone treat them like that and not only continue in the relationship but long to be with them?
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SadtimesAZ

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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2019, 12:28:59 AM »

Feeling like you failed is the thing. I've read something to the effect of it being the good form of narcissism being so desperate to fix things unlike malignant narcs who hurt others for fun. Seems like bpd's seek out the personality opposite of themselves to feel normal, then you hear about the mask coming off. I've been there. My ex is extremely malicious, psychopathically malicious now to the point where I don't miss her anymore. She is beyond help and I wouldn't go through that again.
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blackorchid
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2019, 02:45:21 AM »

Gadget,

another timely post from you.

I'm definitely at the angry stage of things. So angry that a small argument blew up into this. So angry that in response to that argument he packed up and left.  we should be planning and booking our holiday now but instead Im struggling with everything.  I mean he thought at the time (unsure what he thinks now) that I broke my toes on purpose to make him feel sorry for me and stop the fight. The thing that makes me the maddest is that he leaves our dog, knowing atm I can't walk her sufficiently.

Can you believe I then get mad at myself for breaking my damn toes. Maybe if that didnt happen things wouldn't have spiralled worse.

Coping with all the anger? well not sure I'm so good at that. Journalling helps, distractions help and just knowing that if I message him and say all these things that it wouldnt help at all. But the anger is still bubbling away and atm getting stronger with everyday that hes not here
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gadget
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2019, 06:02:27 AM »

Hi black orchid,

It is scary that we look to ourselves for why our BPF SO does what they do.  But I understand that.  These days I think over everything I say to her to hopefully give us a chance to get back together one day.

All the wonderful people and the tools here do help.  My next Therapy session is in a few weeks.  I’m going to ask for help in working through my anger.  I will share here any interesting insights my T tells me.

Hang in there and just keep doing you.  I hope your toes feel better.  I know I’ve probably broken my little toes dozens of times.

Gadget
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Stillhopeful4
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« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2019, 07:13:56 AM »

Hi Gadget,

I'm at week 3 since my W left.  My feelings come in waves, sometimes I'm sad, other times I'm hopeful but recently I've started to get angry.  Like how could she just up and leave her whole family?  Yes, she's in contact with us and close by.  Then I try and refocus and think, things have been bad, bad for a long time and maybe this will help her to dig deep, maybe it will help me to get some clarity and learn the tools I need to make this work...then I remember radical acceptance and the anger passes.

I can relate.  ((HUGS)

SH4
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pest947
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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2019, 09:57:59 AM »

Feeling like you failed is the thing. I've read something to the effect of it being the good form of narcissism being so desperate to fix things unlike malignant narcs who hurt others for fun. Seems like bpd's seek out the personality opposite of themselves to feel normal, then you hear about the mask coming off. I've been there. My ex is extremely malicious, psychopathically malicious now to the point where I don't miss her anymore. She is beyond help and I wouldn't go through that again.

As someone whom has survived a pwBPD breakup I can assure you there is nothing you could have done different. While each story is a little different the BPD "disease" is the same. I felt the same as you after the first breakup and put a lot of the blame on myself and what I could have done. I had the "luxury" of two recycles armed with some knowledge and tips from this site and the end result was the same still. They are the only ones that can change themselves and in 95% of the cases they don't see it or don't try because their PERCEIVED emotions in the end are just to strong for them to handle. They can't help themselves.  That is my story and the story of many others on this site. I hope this helps you find a little more peace in your recovery.
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gadget
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« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2019, 10:41:07 AM »

SH4 - Just looked up Radical Acceptance.  I think this will help me!  Thank you!   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Pest947 - Thanks for your insight.  Just SO hard to believe BPD is greater than 30 years of what I thought was a great marriage, great intimacy, 4 kids, everything.  Just still blows my mind.

Gadget
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gadget
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« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2019, 11:12:02 AM »

Also, how is the BPD mindset (my wife leaving), greater than staying home with our daughter, her 6 month old grandson (who she could see every single day!), me and our special needs child.  I just can't fathom something in her mind can be SO great as to need to run from all that.

Gadget
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Stillhopeful4
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« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2019, 01:36:05 PM »

Also, how is the BPD mindset (my wife leaving), greater than staying home with our daughter, her 6 month old grandson (who she could see every single day!), me and our special needs child.  I just can't fathom something in her mind can be SO great as to need to run from all that.

SAME - (minus the special needs child).  I think it's because they are only thinking of themselves.

(Gadget are you sure you aren't married to my wife?)

SH4
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gadget
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« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2019, 01:39:09 PM »

SH4,

I know right?  The similarities or all of our stories is unreal.  But I think it helps us all to understand all of our BPD SO's better.

Gadget
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Stillhopeful4
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« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2019, 01:43:38 PM »

I know right?  The similarities or all of our stories is unreal.  But I think it helps us all to understand all of our BPD SO's better.

I agree.  Hearing everyone else's experiences ans seeing the similarities helps me learn so much and just understand things better!
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gadget
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« Reply #12 on: September 24, 2019, 09:22:40 AM »

I didn't talk/text my wife most of last Friday and not at all on Saturday.  So she was coming over on Sunday from 11am - 4:30pm to watch my special needs son so I can teach my Karate class.  She has consistently came over almost every single Sunday.  So we gave my son his bath.  Then she played with our 6 mo old grandson until Noon when my daughter left with him to see a friend.

So ... based on this post name.  I was ready to be mad at her and not so talkative when she arrived Sunday Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 11am.  We got along famously!  It was like I had my wife back.  Just not the intimate part.  She actually asked what food we had in the house and made herself a sizzle steak sandwich and had an adult beverage from the fridge.  She hasn't done that since she left almost 4 months ago.  She usually brings her own fast food.

Then I showed my wife the finger Pulse Ox that I had bought for my special son the other day because he was sent home from school sick and the school nurse said his Oxygen levels were in the 80's.  When I showed my wife, she held out her finger for me to put it on her so she could try it out.

She asked me how work was going.  Asked me how my college was going and then said it will all be worth it when you graduate.  We talked about TV shows we watched.  When I left at 1pm to teach she told me to "drive safe".

Wow, just wow.  How can I be mad after that?  I had a slice of my wife back for 2 hours on Sunday and it was Wonderful!

Gadget
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Stillhopeful4
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« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2019, 09:40:12 AM »

I had a slice of my wife back for 2 hours on Sunday and it was Wonderful!

Gadget,

That's great to hear.  What do you think it was?  Do you think it had to do with you not speaking/texting with her Friday or Saturday?  How has your communication been since?  Baby steps,  but it sounds like a few steps in the right direction!

 Way to go! (click to insert in post)

SH4
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gadget
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« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2019, 12:10:24 PM »

Hi SH4,

Not sure an answer.  Not many answers to be had in the BPD world.  But, I pretty much only responds when she texts me.  So I'll take this as a positive and bask in those moments and hope and pray for more Smiling (click to insert in post)

Communication is the same.  When we do talk (via text), she is more chatty than when this all started.  I'll take that as a positive as well.

Gadget
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Tsunami Sailor

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« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2019, 12:37:15 PM »

I think a way of coping is to consider that the BPD encoding is, and has always been a part of their operating system. I tend to believe BPD programming has the innate capability of overriding some of someone's other attributes to the point of making them unrecognizable.  Sometimes we look at these overriding behaviors, especially the negative ones, as anomolies.  However, the extreme highs happen just as often as the extreme lows, so maybe neither is a true reflection of the person.  So, maybe the question is what features do you really love, are they really part of the person's core self, and what parts of you did that person love.  I think many of us go to extreme lengths to compensate for our partner's lack of balance, craving the highs and tolerating the lows. Our partners don't recognize or love themselves.  I think we can shed anger when we realize that person does not have the same objective capabilities that we do.  We all see it throughout our relationship with the BPD.  Given the same data as you, their analysis -or lack thereof- reaches a different conclusion.
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gadget
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« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2019, 04:06:03 AM »

Thank you Tsunami Sailor!

I appreciate your insight.  BPD is such a complicated subject!  I’m glad we are all here to help each other.

Gadget
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Stillhopeful4
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« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2019, 06:28:12 AM »

I think many of us go to extreme lengths to compensate for our partner's lack of balance, craving the highs and tolerating the lows. Our partners don't recognize or love themselves. 

Tsunami Sailor,

This is very true.  When I reflect back I think of how many times I have done this.

I have to say sharing with all of you folks on this board and listening to your insight from your experiences has helped me to understand BPD and all the things about my W.  Thank you all.

SH4
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