I need help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My daughter passed away late July and I am co-parenting y 2 grandsons with autism with my SIL who has almost all of the symptoms of BPD. Yesterday, in a meeting with a potential therapist for one of my grandsons, he stormed out screaming at me. This is the 3rd time since July I heard him rage. I know that I should not react and help him calm down, but he exhausts me.He sent em a text telling me not to pick up my grandsons from school and threatened  to take his kids away. He called my husband, who calmed him down a little and then my husband called him again and calmed him down again. He texted me saying he is sorry for his behavior. I am exhausted and sleep deprived and need help. I went to a therapist who told me that I need to "suck up to him" as he has the power. she encouraged me to never leave town,not even to visit family because the less time he spends with my grandsons the better.This is hard.

[Bon]

My daughter passed away late July and I am co-parenting y 2 grandsons with autism with my SIL who has almost all of the symptoms of BPD. Yesterday, in a meeting with a potential therapist for one of my grandsons, he stormed out screaming at me. This is the 3rd time since July I heard him rage. I know that I should not react and help him calm down, but he exhausts me.He sent em a text telling me not to pick up my grandsons from school and threatened  to take his kids away. He called my husband, who calmed him down a little and then my husband called him again and calmed him down again. He texted me saying he is sorry for his behavior. I am exhausted and sleep deprived and need help. I went to a therapist who told me that I need to "suck up to him" as he has the power. she encouraged me to never leave town,not even to visit family because the less time he spends with my grandsons the better.This is hard.

[Panda39]

Hi Bon,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I very sorry to hear of the passing of your daughter and to hear of your SIL's behaviors. I can hear how hard this is, it would be for anyone.  I'm glad you have the support of your husband that has to really help.

How old are your grandsons?  I'm glad to hear that you are meeting with a therapist for one of them.  There would be a lot of support there both for processing the loss of his mom and help dealing with dad's emotional outbursts.

Have these kinds of outbursts been happening a long time?  Did your daughter mention this type of thing happening in her marriage?

Do you have a "legal" arrangement when it comes to your grandson's or is this a verbal agreement you all have?  Sorry to sound like such a "Nosey Nellie"  I'm just trying to get a better feel for your situation.

It sounds like some self-care is in order for you.  You are doing a lot for everyone else, what are you doing for you?

I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us I have found the support, tools, and members here to be truly helpful with my own situation and I know you will too.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi Bon and welcome.  I too am sorry to hear of your daughters passing.  How are you coping yourself?    The grief of losing your daughter coupled with raising 2 little ones and a difficult SIL is a lot to deal with.

Has your son in law always displayed these sort of behaviors?  

I know that I should not react and help him calm down, but he exhausts me.

This *is* exhausting behavior.  As for calming him down, the chances of calming someone when they are already raging are pretty slim.  There is not much you can do other than try not to make things worse and to protect yourself if necessary.

I am exhausted and sleep deprived and need help. I went to a therapist who told me that I need to "suck up to him" as he has the power. she encouraged me to never leave town,not even to visit family because the less time he spends with my grandsons the better.This is hard.

Are you still seeing this therapist?  Did she offer anything constructive or supportive for your situation?  We have communication tools and strategies that, with time and practice, can make a big difference for you.  We can also help you with some coping skills.  

What would you say your biggest challenge is?  Let's see if we can break things down a bit.  You are dealing with a lot here.

[Bon]

Thanks for the warm welcome. They are almost 5 and 6 1/2.They have lots of therapists because they both have autism. The outbursts have been happening for a while but have gotten worse. He has given up drinking recently which is making him angry, but he always has them 

self-care is hard because I need to work when the boys are in school and sleeping. I must in order to take proper care of the boys. However, I try to exercise from time to time and have been going to Nar-Anon meetings (My SIL s also an addict and there is a lot of addiction in my family)
I am so glad I found this group.

[Bon]

Thanks Hari. Gosh there are so many challenges. I guess the biggest is his inconsistency when raising the boys, temper and constant lying. The therapist I saw didn’t give me tools. She just basically said that the boys need me and that I need to be careful not to get him angry and do what he says or he can take the boy away from us, their special programs( that my husband and I pay for) and their therapists.  He threatens that from time to time. I don’t take this personally. I know he is very sick

[Harri]

Hi again Bon.

Gosh there are so many challenges. I guess the biggest is his inconsistency when raising the boys, temper and constant lying. The therapist I saw didn’t give me tools. She just basically said that the boys need me and that I need to be careful not to get him angry and do what he says or he can take the boy away from us, their special programs( that my husband and I pay for) and their therapists.  He threatens that from time to time. I don’t take this personally. I know he is very sick

Ugh.  I think the T is right in saying that he can take the kids away, unfortunately, so it is important that you do what you can to try to be as supportive as you can for them.  As for your SIL, the tools I mentioned can help to prevent things from escalating when interacting with your SIL and they can help you with coping and stress management.

Given that this is essentially a co-parenting board, I am going to move your thread to the Family Law, divorcing and Co-Parenting board where we have other members who are trying to co-parent or in some cases parallel parent.  You did not post on the wrong board, I just think you will get better input on the co-parenting board.  They discuss the tools and strategies I mentioned plus you may also find out what sort of grandparent right you may have.

 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Bon-

I’m terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter.  That loss is so recent and I’m sure with all that’s happening, you and your husband have not had the time or space to properly grieve.  Your dear grandchildren are so very young. 

I’m sorry to ask these sensitive questions, but this can help to obtain better insight into your SIL’s state of mind. 

Was your beloved daughter’s passing sudden or was she ill for a while?  Was there opportunity for her  to discuss co-parenting plans with you and your SIL before she passed?

Was your daughter and SIL’s marriage in a decent state when she passed?

In your heart of hearts, do you really believe your SIL thinks he has the capacity and / or the desire to parent the children on his own?  Is SIL currently working?  Living with you?  Does he have family that he’s close to?

It’s highly likely that your SIL has a ton of regrets about his behavior and relationship with your beloved daughter.  The loss is just 2 months ago and all of this is so new... I’m guessing his reliance on you may be causing elements of shame leading to rage outbursts.  He likely needs assurance that you and your H stand by his side.

Please keep posting.  I believe there are ways to make things a bit easier.  And again, I’m sorry for all the questions.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes