A memory about mom when I messed up as a kid

[JNChell]

8th grade. I was on the football team and excelling. Mom was proud. On a bus ride to school, a fellow student had a pack of Mini-thins (ephedrine). He was handing them out. I took some. Actually, I think I bought them for a .25$ a pill. Doesn’t matter. We all got into trouble for it. 5 day suspension from school and I was kicked off of the football team. I should’ve been for being that stupid.

I remember dreading going home that day. Mom commanded me to sit down on the couch. She started to meltdown and scream. She kicked me in my shins while yelling and crying about what she was going to tell people at work about why I got kicked off of the football team. She kicked and kicked and screamed. I screwed up big time with that. It was stupid and reckless. But my mom’s capacity for the situation was to beat me and scream.

I’m a dad. My boy is still a toddler. I imagine that the adolescent years will be much harder, but I can’t imagine myself hitting him and puking verbal assaults on him when he messes up.

Just a memory that needed to be unloaded.

[Zabava]

JNChell,

I'm so sorry this happened to you.  Kicking you was abuse and her concern for her image at work sounds very narcissistic.  

 My youngest daughter is in 8th grade; if she was caught using drugs my first concern would be for her physical safety and then her emotional health.  I would want to reassure her that I loved her and ask her how I could help.  

I wonder how you were feeling at that age that made the pills appealing?  Or was it just experimentation? 

I ask because I started going to school drunk or high in 8th grade and it was because I was trying to cope with the chaos at home.  

I can also relate to the screaming and hitting over minor teenage mistakes.  I remember her keeping me at home from school for days after she found cigarettes in my coat.  She screamed at me for hours and demanded to know where I got them.

[Turkish]

Kicking is child abuse under the legal definition, period. 

To me, it sounds like your mother was more concerned about how others would view her rather than what you did, focusing on herself rather than you (other than to abuse you).

How would you handle this situation if it happened to your son?

[Methuen]

Hi JNChell,

Mom commanded me to sit down on the couch. She started to meltdown and scream. She kicked me in my shins while yelling and crying about what she was going to tell people at work about why I got kicked off of the football team. She kicked and kicked and screamed.

What I noticed about this was her reaction was 100% about her, and it was a tantrum like a toddler has.  I am sorry this happened to you.   At the time, you already knew you screwed up.  You lost your place on the football team.  You were probably embarrassed because of it all.  What might have helped you from your mom was a gentle talk, and a hug, and forgiveness, and for her to just let you experience the natural consequences.  But BP's can't do that (her reaction was all about her, instead of leveraging it as a learning opportunity for her 14 yr old son).  Thankfully, we children of BP's have the opportunity to change the narrative for our own kids.  None of us can be perfect parents, and all parents occasionally make parenting missteps, but we can be more nurturing than our BP parent was for us.  That's progress.

[JNChell]

Hey, Zabava.

I wonder how you were feeling at that age that made the pills appealing?  Or was it just experimentation?

I was feeling very on edge at that point. At that point, it wasn’t long before I put a stop to the physical abuse. The emotional abuse would continue of course. That event was motivated by more of a peer thing. Fitting in I guess. I really didn’t have any direction or parental guidance in my life and I wonder if that played a part. Once I entered high school I approached sports very seriously. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to really focus on the academics the way I should have, but sports, looking back, we’re therapeutic and fun. I wasn’t big enough to play for any big universities, but I was approached by small Division 3 and NAIA colleges for football, but I needed the support from my parents for that which wasn’t available. It’s better that I didn’t go to college though. Like I said, academics were never a strong point for me and I believe that attending school with a sport as the first priority probably isn’t a good idea. I’ve rambled on here. I’ll get back to the point.

I did experiment with different things. From what I’ve learned, this can be pretty common amongst abuse survivors. A way to escape our reality for a while. I get it. It makes sense, but it’s unfortunate that we chose to cope in those ways instead of having solid parents to turn to. It is what it is these days. I’m pretty much at peace with my parents now. The memories still come up and I try to make it a point to bring them here, talk about them for a little while, and let them go. Thank you Zabava
 

[JNChell]

Hi, Turkish.

To me, it sounds like your mother was more concerned about how others would view her rather than what you did, focusing on herself rather than you (other than to abuse you).

You’re spot on. Mom and dad were both about keeping up appearances, but in different ways. There was a golden child/scapegoat dynamic within the household. Mom was very much about viewing Sis and I as extensions of her self, and dad was a full blown NPD who needed our adoration. Constantly being a source of supply from both directions was exhausting to say the least. Glad that’s over.

How would you handle this situation if it happened to your son?

First and foremost, as calmly as possible. I would be careful not to shame him while trying to find out the “why”. As hard as it might be, I would try to find ways to validate his feelings on why he chose to make that mistake. On the other hand, there would also be consequences for the choice he made. I can’t say what those would be right now, but choices like that aren’t a free ticket. If need be, I’d get a third party involved if I felt that I wasn’t equipped to handle things correctly on my own.

[JNChell]

Hey there, Methuen. Thanks for chiming in.

Thankfully, we children of BP's have the opportunity to change the narrative for our own kids.

So true! When I was S4’s age I was already being abused. I look at that little guy and can’t even fathom it. Sure, sometimes I get short and frustrated with him at times, but I love him and just can’t wrap my head around how grown adults are capable of unleashing on little children like that. I mean I understand the psychology and science behind it, but to harm a child in such ways is beyond me. I can understand having trouble with impulse control and “losing it”, but not on another person, let alone a child.

Mom was who she was. She wasn’t able to see herself and change. She was molded and conditioned. I was conditioned, but for whatever reason, never molded. I’m changing and I’m pretty proud of that. It’s a slow process, but I’m seeing positive results.

[Harri]

Hi   

How do you feel after sharing this and processing it here?  Is the burden lifted even for a while?

Regardless, I am glad you shared.  There is not reason to keep this stuff inside any more.

[TelHill]

I am sorry that happened to you. Kids experiment at that age and the school handled it appropriately.  You learned a good lesson from that school.

It's unconscionable that she kicked you like that. That's a horror and is cruel and unusual punishment. My parents were and still are concerned with appearances just like your parents were.  In addition, I believe it's an excuse to take out their aggression & frustrations (whatever they are_ on a weaker person - a child.

My mom used to hit me with a switch when I was a small child (4-6). I could never understand why. It was out of the blue.

 She saw me doing things I wasn't supposed to like climbing up on the kitchen counter or eating cookies meant for special occasions. No beatings at all.

I did get the beatings to stop when I was six. That's for another post.

Take your time to let the pain of this betrayal by mom and dad sit with you. Again, so sorry. I am glad you shared this. It's important to let this out and tell, no matter how many years after the fact.

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri.

How do you feel after sharing this and processing it here?  Is the burden lifted even for a while?

It feels pretty good to be able to share and process these things here. It’s becoming much easier to talk about these memories when they surface. There’s less emotional disturbance when they come up, for lack of better words. You know, I got some good advice not too long ago here that suggested to me that maybe it’s time to shift more of the focus off of my parents and those that have hurt me. To start focusing on myself and what is best for me and my healing process. I’ve been making a conscious effort at that since, and it has been a positive transition so far. I feel like I’m prepared fairly well for the inevitable setbacks. Things are much better for me lately.

The burden doesn’t really last that long if at all lately. I’ve sat and thought about that. The feelings that I was having/have are the same regardless of the situation, memory, flashback etc. Those toxic feelings remain the same. They’re consistent regardless of the trigger. I can work with that. Personally speaking, it helps me simplify a very complex scenario. The tools have been very helpful. Especially learning how to communicate more effectively, listen better and from a different place and most importantly thus far has been RA. I know that the path is different for everyone here, but for me, getting a real grasp on Radical Acceptance has made everything else so much easier. Sorry this was so long winded, but I’m glad you chimed in.

[JNChell]

Hello, TelHill.

My parents were and still are concerned with appearances just like your parents were.  In addition, I believe it's an excuse to take out their aggression & frustrations (whatever they are_ on a weaker person - a child.

I think you’re right. I especially saw this in mom. She was the rager while dad was the manipulator. Don’t get me wrong, dad was capable of very twisted things, the roles described were pretty consistent though.

I can see what you’re saying about them needing weak targets to dump their crappy feelings on. Not being able to handle their core shame. I’ve read many cases on here where the parent/s will behave in such ways to make their children look like the “bad ones” in order to take attention away from their toxic behavior. Complex stuff.

My mom used to hit me with a switch when I was a small child (4-6). I could never understand why. It was out of the blue.

Disordered folks have a tendency to be unpredictable. I’ve read that in many instances that behaviors like this are intentional to keep the target off balance. In my case, I don’t believe I was necessarily a target as much as I was simply there to be a catch all for emotions that my mom couldn’t handle. I had my role in the household. I’m ok with that now. I’m not there anymore. I’m teaching my body and mind that.

I’m sorry that you had to go through that crap as well. Do you ever feel like you’re very attentive to your surroundings at all times?

She saw me doing things I wasn't supposed to like climbing up on the kitchen counter or eating cookies meant for special occasions. No beatings at all.

I relate to this as well. It’s a tad bit different, but I think you’ll get it. Something that always sticks out to me is milk. Yes, milk. Mom would bring groceries home and I would have to lug a couple of gallons down to the basement fridge. On occasion, one would slip out of my hand and bust open at the bottom of the stairs. I would receive a physical and verbal rage for the accident. The same thing could happen the week after. I would approach mom terrified and crying trying to explain what I did and she would comfort me for being so upset telling me everything was ok. So yeah, I get what you’re saying.

Thank you for the support and for sharing.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell!   

It’s becoming much easier to talk about these memories when they surface. There’s less emotional disturbance when they come up,

Good.  Do you attribute this to a lessening in shame?  Increasing emotional intelligence?  Healing?  Something else?

You know, I got some good advice not too long ago here that suggested to me that maybe it’s time to shift more of the focus off of my parents and those that have hurt me.

    That was an awesome suggestion!

it has been a positive transition so far. I feel like I’m prepared fairly well for the inevitable setbacks. Things are much better for me lately.

I am very happy to red this JNChell.   

Personally speaking, it helps me simplify a very complex scenario.

How do you simplify?  This is interesting to me.

The tools have been very helpful. Especially learning how to communicate more effectively, listen better and from a different place and most importantly thus far has been RA. I know that the path is different for everyone here, but for me, getting a real grasp on Radical Acceptance has made everything else so much easier.

I agree.  RA is a daily choice for me and I would imagine you at least to some extent.  Is that accurate?  The first steps for me in healing have been awareness, self awareness, acknowledgement, and acceptance with so many stops and pauses and even what seem like backwards steps.  I think you are doing well JNChell.  You certainly have the drive and willingness it takes to look within so you can heal.

Sorry this was so long winded, but I’m glad you chimed in.

Not at all long winded.  I am so glad you stopped in and posted.   

[TelHill]

Hello, TelHill.

I can see what you’re saying about them needing weak targets to dump their crappy feelings on. Not being able to handle their core shame. I’ve read many cases on here where the parent/s will behave in such ways to make their children look like the “bad ones” in order to take attention away from their toxic behavior. Complex stuff.

Hi JNChell,

Yes, I was the scapegoat. My parents were big on education for my brother and tried to leave little sis, me,  out of the loop so I could be the dumb one. My brother and I have inherent, bookworm, interests in common.  It was a true pleasure for me. I used to raid my brother's room for books and pouted until he checked out library books for me. I really fought very hard for this. Also, they wanted to make me into some cutie pie. I was molested by one relative and had another one chase me for one kiss for a dollar. I was 4 and he was 20 years old. I would scream at him N-O means no.

It made me question very strongly anytime a person had interest in that direction as a kid. I was very strong willed. I then became the scapegoat for being argumentative and for talking back. My parents would complain to my relatives about my verbal defense in front me. If these disordered types want to pin the tail on the donkey, they will find a way. [/quote]


 

Disordered folks have a tendency to be unpredictable. I’ve read that in many instances that behaviors like this are intentional to keep the target off balance. In my case, I don’t believe I was necessarily a target as much as I was simply there to be a catch all for emotions that my mom couldn’t handle. I had my role in the household. I’m ok with that now. I’m not there anymore. I’m teaching my body and mind that.

I’m sorry that you had to go through that crap as well. Do you ever feel like you’re very attentive to your surroundings at all times?
 

I am sorry you had to endure the crap too. Yes, I am very observant. I feel like a security cam. I am on the lookout for stranger danger every time I leave the house. I have my keys through my fingers in case someone attacks me. I can strike back. I carry mace and a loud noise maker too.  Bright light and noise bother me a lot. I can listen to more than one conversation near me at the same time. I can read upside down really well.  I also am afraid of offending people sometimes. I'm older and don't care as much as I used to.  When younger,I had my finger to the wind to test for negative reactions.

You said you stopped the beatings. I did too. I overheard a 1st grade classmate saying he stopped his mom from hitting him by hitting her.  I thought it was worth a try. The next time the switch came out, I kicked her really hard on the shins. I was bracing for a death blow from her. Instead, talk about dissociation!  She backed off looking very frightened. The switch and slaps were retired permanently.

Thanks for your support as well. Corporal punishment has happened to some of us. It was legal in homes when I was a kid unless you were beaten to a pulp.

[JNChell]

Hi again, Harri.

Good.  Do you attribute this to a lessening in shame?  Increasing emotional intelligence?  Healing?  Something else?

All of the above really. The shame and emotional intelligence are leading the way, though. I don’t feel any shame at all for what was done to me. I know that there’s still some lurking around in me, but I’ve got it when it shows itself. It’s no longer a game of “Whack a Mole” when it comes out. I’m able to recognize it and face it. I’m stronger than those feelings. I sit with them, wherever I am, throughout my day. I’m in control. The past is the past.

Emotional intelligence is coming along. This takes a lot of maturing on our own. I’m much less reactive. It’s still there, but I’m chipping away at that barrier. I’m confident that this too will eventually work out ok as long as I stick with what has been working.

That was an awesome suggestion!

Right?

How do you simplify?  This is interesting to me.

Like I said, it’s knowing myself well enough to know that my reactions will be the same to any given trigger. I know what my reaction/response will be to any given trigger. I know how I will react. It’s kind of like being a step ahead in a sense. I react/respond to many different things in the same way. For me, now, it’s easy to simplify and almost standardize what I need to do to be ok. A process that grounds and centers me. A field guide. Lol Education.

RA is a daily choice for me and I would imagine you at least to some extent.  Is that accurate?

It’s not quite a daily choice yet. It’s something that I catch when I’m straying. I’ll get there. Right now, I’m constantly catching myself and bringing myself back. Work in progress Harri. Getting there. Thank you.

[JNChell]

Hello again, TelHill.

I was molested by one relative and had another one chase me for one kiss for a dollar. I was 4 and he was 20 years old. I would scream at him N-O means no

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I don’t know what else to say other than you’re here and you’re a fighter. You’re not allowing those to defeat you. It’ll take work, but you’ve got this by the horns. Good for you!

You’re right. The folks that we discuss here will throw anyone under the bus so that they can temporarily feel better. The problem is, it doesn’t last. Enter the pattern.

I stopped being beaten at 15 by putting my fist through a closet door in front of my mom. The physical abuse stopped there.

What book are you currently reading?

[TelHill]

Hello again, TelHill.

I was molested by one relative and had another one chase me for one kiss for a dollar. I was 4 and he was 20 years old. I would scream at him N-O means no

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I don’t know what else to say other than you’re here and you’re a fighter. You’re not allowing those to defeat you. It’ll take work, but you’ve got this by the horns. Good for you!

You’re right. The folks that we discuss here will throw anyone under the bus so that they can temporarily feel better. The problem is, it doesn’t last. Enter the pattern.

I stopped being beaten at 15 by putting my fist through a closet door in front of my mom. The physical abuse stopped there.

What book are you currently reading?

Hi JNChell,

It sounds like you have a lot of strength too. Corporal punishment is wrong for any parent. I'm glad you stopped your mom by punching a hole through the closet door.  It sends a strong message.

I overheard  boy in 1st grade say he stopped his mom by hitting her back. I thought it was worth a try. The next time mom hit me with a switch, I kicked her really hard in the shins. I remember second-guessing my decision at that point. No need.  I believe she dissociated at that point and put down the switch.  She never hit me again.

I wasn't strong with authority at school or classmates.  Too scared of retaliation, wanted to do well, and didn't want my parents to pound me if a teacher told them I was a trouble maker.

It was at home or with relatives that I stood my ground.

I am taking a break from reading self-help books now. I'm busy with work-related stuff where I have to read a lot of items to keep up.  Take care!