Intro and getting oriented

[HighlyLikely]

My DS and his wife recently separated and as a result he has sought to understand his behavior which he believes includes BPD traits. He’s working hard to find a way through this and I’m also at the learning stages of how to be empathetic and validate what he’s going through. In the process I’m also recognizing some BPD traits in myself. I have very mixed feelings about this. I want to be an emotional support for my son and in order to do that, I can’t personalize what I’m learning, at least not with him. I am also experiencing moments of strength alternating with moments of profound fatigue. I felt that I had reached some kind of acceptable stasis in my life where I quit worrying about why I’ve had trouble with romantic relationships and also stopped stressing about the details of life (I’m 65).  Now that stasis has been disrupted not only just to help him but also having the realization that I have work to do on myself. And in this moment in time I hear the whine in my head: “I don’t want to!” In the morning I may feel differently. But for now I want to go back to the time when everything seemed okay...even if it wasn’t.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello HighlyLikely
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. I am sorry for what you are going through with your son and with your own self realization. It is tempting to want to go back to an easier time. Sometimes I also feel that way. But here we are playing the cards we have been dealt. The good news is things can get better as we learn and grow. I am also a 60 something who is still a work in progress. It is hard but it is worth it. What are you doing for your own self care? Are you in therapy?
Hugs
Faith

[HighlyLikely]

Thank you for the welcome, Faith. I am not currently in therapy. I have been in and out of therapy at various points in my life. Several months ago I sought out therapy again, not in relation to my DS but for guidance with some anxiety and loneliness. Unfortunately the therapist my insurance referred me to canceled 4 times in a row for various reasons. Talk about triggering abandonment issues! I will need to call for a new referral. In the meantime, I’m doing some reading and watching some videos.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad you are attending to your self care. It is the first  step toward helping our children and ourselves. I also am not currently in therapy because I am living in Africa for a few months on a teaching mission. When I return to the states I intend to start again perhaps including family counseling with my husband and BPD son. I hope you find a good therapist who takes your insurance. It will really help you.

[cbusmom]

Welcome HighlyLikely
Like you as I read more about BPD I thought I have it too. So many things fit. Then I came across an article that mentioned a perfect combination of genetics plus life struggles or trauma that collide to bring on BPD. The genetic traits this article mentioned was being an overly emotional or dramatic child. I was definitely that. I can say that I have exhibited BPD traits but I doubt that I would be diagnosed. I strongly feel that most people could benefit from learning DBT or some ways to regulate our emotions and better communicate them to others.

[Lola B]

I think humans have some qualities of one disorder or another. If you find enough traits familiar in a disorder, dig in and make behavior changes.

I believe, like diabetes or osteoporosis, many mental health disorders can be managed with lifestyle changes and maybe meds. If you have the misfortune of judgmental friends or relatives, create some space between you and armor up when you engage. In my experience judgy people are gossips, people pleasers, often alcoholics that don’t know it, or are hurting in some way.

My BPDD (19) has been through more hard stuff than most and we came to a devastating crescendo this summer. As a result, I got on this site, am watching the videos and reading the materials and she is transforming because I am handling her differently. I have bipolar disorder which I am very accepting of. I researched stars who may have it and Elon Musk may have it. Many artists did as well. I don’t deny my disorder and as a result it has adversely affected my life much more before I was diagnosed than after.

Everybody has something, my friend. If it ultimately affects behavior, you can learn many work arounds and so can your son.

Strength and grace to you..

[PeaceMom]

Welcome Highly Likely, this is a terrific forum as we all “get it”.

Lola,
Thanks for the reminder of the commonality among all of us. Dr Kristin Neff (the Self Compassion expert) says recognizing that we are all on a spectrum of sorts helps us be more compassionate with ourselves when we consider our issues are experienced by many others.
MyDS24 has BP1, some BPD symptoms and lives in a black and white thinking world. His negativity is completely overwhelming to us. Honestly, if I woke up feeling like him everyday, all day, I would see zero purpose in living. He is at home with us and I want to stay as far away from him as humanly possible bc negativity and hopelessness just seeps out of him. I know this is the depressive phase of BP, but it is so very toxic.
I can only change me, so I limit my listening time with him.
My internal pain is oh so deep. Thanks again for your insightful post here.

[Bluemoon23]

Welcome and I echo too what everyone else has shared. I'm 58 and still working on my sh**! I know I too felt like I also had some mental health issues maybe even BPD too but I also know that I have been able to push on and deal with them while still having a life and taking care of myself. And I often feel that I'm my kiddo's best example of dealing with mental health - but to him not so much. Go figure.

I get it too how you are feeling and believe me I'm doing the best I can for not just my kiddo but myself too. This next phase/chapter is scaring the hell out of me but I'm trying my best to navigate. I have to keep trying.

I cannot regret the things that I have done in the past only appreciate them for informing the future. I'm allowing myself that.

Someone in my parenting group said "when you were born my job was to look after you. As you got older my job was to teach you how to take care of yourself. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time."

That's how I feel. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now I'm trying again with different tools and different ways. The important thing is I'm still trying.

Hugs to you as you navigate this. And thank you for being so honest in your sharing.