Stbx has new gf, refused treatment unless she goes too

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I got a teary voicemail message about ten days ago from stbx ubpdh. He said his boss was worried about him mentally and was offering to help him get into treatment. He would be checking into detox early the following morning, and pursuing longer term treatment after that. He broke down sobbing in the message and begged to see S3.

This was followed by a text message at 1:30 the next morning saying that he "saw y'all drive by", something about the FBI sneaking around, and that he knows that one person (me? Idk) is responsible for everything that is happening and he's going to sit back and watch.

I talked to his mother. She said she is not taking any more calls from him. He told her he was checking in the local mental health center, then backed out because he has a new girlfriend with a drug problem who refused to go with him to treatment.

His mother said that his boss fired him but offered him the chance to get help because he has connections to the local mental health center. Ubpdh tried to get him to extend his (generous) offer to the new gf, but she said she doesn't need help getting off drugs. So now he has decided he doesn't need help, either. He cursed his mother out for telling him that mental health treatment isn't like 4-H camp- you don't get all your friends to load up on the bus and go with you. She is now refusing his calls because she is done with the verbal and emotional abuse, and he only wants to complain to her and then curse her out for not agreeing with him.

This makes me sad and angry. Not only does he continue to refuse help, he still begs to be in his children's lives without making any effort to get to a point where it would even be safe for them to have contact with him. And now he's started the same cycle with some new gf who obviously has severe issues herself. His mother said he's already started the jealousy and controlling behavior with her. She thinks it is just a matter of time before he ends up either getting arrested or getting killed.

This whole thing makes me sick at my stomach. It's a huge reminder that all the emotional, mental, and physical effort I invested in our relationship was a colossal waste, and I feel stupid for hanging on so long to something that was so doomed. This is his third failed marriage, and there have been several girlfriends scattered in the mix as well.

I also realize just how dysfunctional I was myself to have gotten into the relationship in the first place, and I am absolutely horrified at myself on one hand and on the other, so very, very grateful for the growth I have experienced in the last decade. As it goes, I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be.

[I Am Redeemed]

So I got a teary voicemail message about ten days ago from stbx ubpdh. He said his boss was worried about him mentally and was offering to help him get into treatment. He would be checking into detox early the following morning, and pursuing longer term treatment after that. He broke down sobbing in the message and begged to see S3.

This was followed by a text message at 1:30 the next morning saying that he "saw y'all drive by", something about the FBI sneaking around, and that he knows that one person (me? Idk) is responsible for everything that is happening and he's going to sit back and watch.

I talked to his mother. She said she is not taking any more calls from him. He told her he was checking in the local mental health center, then backed out because he has a new girlfriend with a drug problem who refused to go with him to treatment.

His mother said that his boss fired him but offered him the chance to get help because he has connections to the local mental health center. Ubpdh tried to get him to extend his (generous) offer to the new gf, but she said she doesn't need help getting off drugs. So now he has decided he doesn't need help, either. He cursed his mother out for telling him that mental health treatment isn't like 4-H camp- you don't get all your friends to load up on the bus and go with you. She is now refusing his calls because she is done with the verbal and emotional abuse, and he only wants to complain to her and then curse her out for not agreeing with him.

This makes me sad and angry. Not only does he continue to refuse help, he still begs to be in his children's lives without making any effort to get to a point where it would even be safe for them to have contact with him. And now he's started the same cycle with some new gf who obviously has severe issues herself. His mother said he's already started the jealousy and controlling behavior with her. She thinks it is just a matter of time before he ends up either getting arrested or getting killed.

This whole thing makes me sick at my stomach. It's a huge reminder that all the emotional, mental, and physical effort I invested in our relationship was a colossal waste, and I feel stupid for hanging on so long to something that was so doomed. This is his third failed marriage, and there have been several girlfriends scattered in the mix as well.

I also realize just how dysfunctional I was myself to have gotten into the relationship in the first place, and I am absolutely horrified at myself on one hand and on the other, so very, very grateful for the growth I have experienced in the last decade. As it goes, I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Redeemed-

I am so so sorry... I know that each time you hear of new failures... promises made and promises broken by your stbxh, that it reminds you of the pain.  And “mistakes”.  As much as you’re taking responsibility for your part, please use care NOT to blame yourself.

You were in a completely different place then.  You deserve to strongly acknowledge and be proud of all the work you’ve done to move forward with your life for yourself and your beloved children.  We canNOT “fix” anyone else.  You’ve done all you can for him.  All anyone could.

Until he sees his own light, well, nothing we can even say.  Too sad, and I’m sorry for him, the kids and his dear mom.  And you, especially you.  And anyone else who enters his orbit.  It’s clear there is something in him that is “endearing”, or people would not continue reaching out to help him.  He just lacks the inner strength to do it now.  There’s always hope.  Not to hang onto that, but to keep it somewhere in the back of our minds.

Love to you, my friend.

Gems

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you, gems. I guess I am just feeling the rejection. He could have had a happy family, but he chose this path instead, crying to anyone who will still listen that he misses and loves his kids while obviously his behavior reflects other values.

He blames me for abandoning him, but it is he who abandoned the kids and me with his choices, and it hurts...more for them than for me, but yes, for me, too.

[Gemsforeyes]

My dear Redeemed-

You are so used to being the strong one for everyone else, that it’s almost like you’re “ashamed” to feel your own sadness and pain over the rejection, or rather his failures.  But it’s NOT a rejection of you.  It’s his weakness, his illness, his failures.  But It’s okay, my girl, feel it.  Cry for what could have been if he had been a stronger man, a healthier man.  I don’t think he’s aware enough to make a clear choice.

And then (at the risk of sounding overly sappy), rejoice at the fact that you ARE able to heal without him on this journey with you.  That you were NOT so enmeshed that you couldn’t rise above and exit this relationship.  You’ve found strength in yourself that I honest to GOD believe very few people truly have.  You’ve got to know that.  You are a hero to your children.  They will look to you as a role model for their entire lives.  Above all else, know that and keep that close to your heart.

Much love,
Gems

[Cat Familiar]

Sometimes a song encapsulates more than words: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph9NQ8ASmX4

I liked the video (of course there's horses  ) but I thought it was rather confusing. The lyrics however are great!

[I Am Redeemed]

Gems, I think I am ashamed of still feeling grief. I thought that I was further down the detaching road, I guess. Once I got past feeling guilty, it seemed that I had turned a corner. This was an unexpected layer of grief that I stumbled upon.

I think you are right about him not being able to make a clear choice because he is so unaware. Whether it's denial, delusion, distortion of the facts, defense mechanisms, or all of the above, there are some serious mental gymnastics going on that keep him from facing the truth.

Cat, I have heard that song before. I remember thinking that it summed up the situation pretty close to perfectly, and that was before the relationship was really, really over.

I think that logically, I know that the rejection is more about his inability to accept the truth and not about me or the kids at all. Certainly I would never think that any one of my kids was "not enough" to be the motivation he needed, but I know the feeling of that- the "I wasn't enough" feeling, and I hope that I can help my kids process that feeling in a more constructive and productive way than I previously did. I'm sure they will have questions about it at some point.

This all kind of blindsided me. I didn't expect to have such strong reactions to his choices anymore. Yet, I feel like this has brought up a lot of the trauma of the relationship for me, and it has manifested in physical ways since yesterday. I hardly slept and have had a churning stomach. I am finally getting settled a bit and hope to get some sleep tonight.

Dang it. I really don't want to be this affected, but I am. I guess I will try to observe the feelings I am having and sit with them a bit, and see what else I can learn from them.

[Cat Familiar]

You did love him and you created children with him and you did everything you could to help him.

That he couldn’t/wouldn’t do his part as a husband/father is not on you.

It’s one thing to finally end an abusive relationship. Those feelings you invested for years need release and it takes time.

Don’t worry or judge yourself, this is how the process works.

  
Cat

[Baglady]

Hi Redeemed,

Just offering you some support  

You and I are kinda on the same rough timeline of recovery and for what it's worth, in August, I got all kind of overconfident with myself thinking that I'd finally reached a stage of acceptance with it only to be completely thrown for a loop by a FB posting by my ex's current girlfriend (yeah I know I shouldn't be peeking but I thought I was so over all that -   ).  She was gushing euphorically about "how she has never, every felt so honored, loved and adored by a man in her life and how she is in the most amazing place of peace and happiness and it's all due to my sweet ex".  Ugh - the love bombing in spades.

Honestly, I wasn't jealous at all (I truly have zero feelings for my ex after his abuse) but I did find myself sad and frustrated over witnessing the cycle beginning all over again with a brand new hapless victim.  It's hard to watch another clueless empath be taken in by his manipulations and she reminded me so much of me at the beginning of my own relationship.  It brought up many mixed emotions and feelings about my own stupidity and weird feelings of being duped (for decades I might add).

I've since learnt he's already cheating on her with another woman and the gf has absolutely no clue. Now I question if he cheated on me during our marriage - I have no evidence one way or the other but it's a new ugly thought on the table for me to ponder.  It's painful to realize that I absolutely adored, spent the better part of my life with, birthed, and currently coparent a teen with a person of such poor character.

While we are on the theme of songs - this one has become a bit of an anthem for me during my recovery:

https://youtu.be/uDGGAC10mtc

Hugs and good hope to us all on this crazy journey!

Warmly,
Baglady

[I Am Redeemed]

Bag lady, thank you! It helps so much to know that someone else has experienced this, too, though I am sad that it has happened to you.

I think my feelings have a lot to do with the realization that this is who he is, and who he always has been, even though he said many times that he was not the man he used to be and that our relationship made him want to be a better man (there's those words, Cat!). I had convinced myself that he was trying, and that change is just hard, but that he really wanted to and he would make it someday. The evidence of that illusion piled up until it nearly crushed me, and I am feeling the weight of it still.

I don't know if any of you have seen the movie "Coraline", but my kids love it. In the movie, the witch disguises herself as the mother that Coraline always wanted and creates a whole parallel world that seems to be perfect. When Coraline figures out that the "other  mother" is not who she appears to be, all the illusions the other mother created start crumbling and turn into dust. That's how I feel about this relationship. I'm still watching all the illusions crumble and realizing they were made of dust all along, and it seems that nothing was as it appeared to be.

I think there was a fair amount of denial on my part during the relationship, and I am still coming to terms with the truth of it all. I welcome truth, I value it, painful though it may be, as opposed to the dubious comfort of denial, but the process of it being revealed and the acceptance of it is a bit overwhelming emotionally.

I also had a disturbing discovery by accident a few days ago. Somehow I stumbled upon a Pinterest account made in my daughter's name with the email we set up for her where bought her a tablet a few years back. We ended up getting her something else, because the tablet was not the quality we wanted and ubpdh started using it for himself. Anyway, he has used this account in my daughter's name to make countless Pinterest boards that are mostly pornographic pictures, mixed with a couple of boards with quotes about "family" and "mistakes" and Bible quotes. I was absolutely enraged and I deleted the boards. Get your own account for that disgusting crap, dude, don't link my daughter's name to that sick "please read".

His mother said she would like to just shake him until his eyeballs pop out, and I can say that I totally concur.