Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 21, 2019, 10:33:42 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLove, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, Forgiveness, formflier, GaGrl,  khibomsis , Longterm, Ozzie101, pursuingJoy, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Cant believe it - after all these years, dropped her off at the station  (Read 611 times)
MrRight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 278


« on: September 21, 2019, 01:36:28 AM »

Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339157.0;all

Just dropped her off at the station.

She said to me last night if I want to split up - say so and we will do it properly.

I feel rotten about leaving her like this - but when I think about her getting me up at 6 am to work then checking my progress and the reprisals etc - I don't want to face that again.

I have the whole day to load the car and will send her a text informing that I have gone after I set off.

She has no key to the house and told me so before we left - but I will leave a key in a safe place for her to get access to the house.

Cant believe it - after all these years.
« Last Edit: September 21, 2019, 03:11:48 PM by Harri, Reason: split thread due to length » Logged
Gemsforeyes
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 758


« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2019, 08:19:21 AM »

Please try to be robotic and just go.  No dilly dallying, okay?

Save emotions for tomorrow.

Waiting to hear from you.  I’ll check back through the day.

Hugs to you,
Gems
Logged
MrRight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 278


« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2019, 09:12:32 AM »

Please try to be robotic and just go.  No dilly dallying, okay?

Save emotions for tomorrow.

Waiting to hear from you.  I’ll check back through the day.

Hugs to you,
Gems

Nearly all packed it has taken hours - bear in mind I have a mail order business to take with me. I have had to leave a lot behind that is non essential. I felt sad in the morning but really got going with it and yes - feel like I am on autopilot - I am just obeying instructions I previously programmed into myself. She has been texting me all day trying to direct what I am doing.

I am seeing my best friend in the evening and then most likely will phone my dad to inform him my circumstances.

I will miss the dog!
Logged
Panda39
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
What is your relationship status with them: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3286



« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2019, 09:30:12 AM »

Thinking of you today, I know it is a strange feeling to be on the precipous of a new beginning.  Just keep one foot in front of the other.  I'm glad you have your friend meeting you on the other side and that the rest of your support system is soon to know.  Keep us posted as you have time.       
Panda39

Logged

"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Gemsforeyes
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 758


« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2019, 11:13:37 AM »

I too am glad you’ll be walking into the supportive arms of a dear friend.  I know you’ll miss your dog...  I’m sorry, my friend.

This has to be done and you’re doing the absolute RIGHT and BEST thing.  The ONLY choice for your life now.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
Logged
MrRight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 278


« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2019, 05:50:45 PM »

Update

I finally got going at 4 pm. At 5 she texted
to say she is low on mobile power so I gave her the bad news. She is upset begs me to come home cant live without me promises to change. I just said no Im not coming back. She has been sending me texts saying I have discarded her like an old rag etc. She wants a phone call from me. I have ignored her texts since the first exchange. Am sleeping at dads house today but roon is small and will need to find somewhere. My sister is responsible for housing the homeless and will help. Its depressing I wish my ex would accept my decision but she is trying to shame and blame me into coming back. I told my dad the whole horrible truth. He said dont dwell but look forward.

Thanks for your support will keep you posted.
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4147



« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2019, 08:34:30 PM »

Well...nothing is happening that you didn't expect or didn't prepare yourself to face. So, good job getting out and taking care of that first communication.

Your dad sounds like a wise man.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
ct21218
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 148


« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2019, 08:57:59 PM »

Mr. Rught, I expect that the next few weeks as you adjust to your new life will be difficult.  You have undergone significant abuse.  If you just get through this time, you will be on your way to a new, much better life.  Your wife likely feels desperate and will say whatever she needs to to draw you back in.  You made the right decision, don't doubt yourself.
Logged
Gemsforeyes
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 758


« Reply #8 on: September 21, 2019, 10:09:46 PM »

Dear Mr. Right-

I am so delighted and relieved for you.  I hope you’re sleeping peacefully at your father’s house with your phone OFF !

I also hope you’re able to step back from engaging and just enjoy a nice Sunday catching up with your dad, processing a bit of what’s happened.  You can talk to us all you want.

You will go through some serious detachment stuff, serious PULLING from your W, so please try not to be drawn into her battles, or her FOG.

You deserve a happy life.

Peace to you, my friend.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 
Logged
Vincenta
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 57


« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2019, 10:18:06 PM »

Hi Mr Right,

First of all, you have done the right thing! Based on the descriptions of your marriage, you have been abused for a long, long time.

Now, of course your wife is very upset - any such a change were frightening even for a ‘ normal’ person. But please do not feel any bad conscience. Both you and your wife have been in a very toxic relationship that is not good for either of you ( or your son).

You might want to send her just a message stating that your decision is final, you have loved her but there is no way coming back, and that now, as you are sad and it is hard for you too, you need your space and won’t read or answer  the emails/ texts for the next x (I would say a one full week) days. Don’t give a call as an option.

I believe that you might need at least one week without any contact with her. One week just to sleep, recover, reflect.

Hugs
Logged
MrRight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 278


« Reply #10 on: September 22, 2019, 11:40:26 AM »

Thanks again glad I made the move life is beautiful indeed with no crazy pwBPD shouting at you all day.

I slept well and spent the day catching up with my dad. I am spending a few days there and then moving into a room or flat. My sister is chief housing officer for the local council and says she can slot me in somewhere and cheap. I need this as my dads house is not the right place to run my business etc.
She is still sending emails and texts claims i have left her in limbo and wants me to call. I dont want to hear her voice. I will email tonight to day my decision is final and I am glad I left and please let us sell the house and divide the proceeds as I want to cut all financial ties with her.

Thanks again its good to have all the support here. I have not cried as I feel too free. Why would an innocent man escaped from prison want to cry?


Hi Mr Right,

First of all, you have done the right thing! Based on the descriptions of your marriage, you have been abused for a long, long time.

Now, of course your wife is very upset - any such a change were frightening even for a ‘ normal’ person. But please do not feel any bad conscience. Both you and your wife have been in a very toxic relationship that is not good for either of you ( or your son).

You might want to send her just a message stating that your decision is final, you have loved her but there is no way coming back, and that now, as you are sad and it is hard for you too, you need your space and won’t read or answer  the emails/ texts for the next x (I would say a one full week) days. Don’t give a call as an option.

I believe that you might need at least one week without any contact with her. One week just to sleep, recover, reflect.

Hugs
Logged
Gemsforeyes
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 758


« Reply #11 on: September 22, 2019, 03:31:35 PM »

Indeed, my friend!  An innocent man with the key to his freedom would NOT cry as he welcomes his freedom!  I am filled with joy for you; I truly am!

Perhaps sit tight with your thoughts on initial contact and consider speaking with a solicitor first?  Although maybe things works differently in the UK with a high conflict person.  Enjoy your relaxation, yet protect yourself and your share of assets at all costs.

You are a man of great strength.  You’ve brought a smile to me!

Gems
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4147



« Reply #12 on: September 22, 2019, 03:43:17 PM »

You have been much on my mind this weekend. Stay strong! If you don't want to talk with her yet, you don't have to.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
MrRight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 278


« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2019, 05:06:08 PM »

Thank you gems and gagrl glad I did not disappoint.

This is an ongoing campaign to free nons from the tyranny of BPDs and NPDs - there is one less to worry about and as an 18 year sufferer I intend to remain on this board and offer my input where it may be helpful. I had no idea about cluster Bs etc when 4 years ago I went on to a marriage forum and explained my issues - someone popped up quickly and messaged me - explained about BPD etc - and I realised I was dealing with a very dangerous type of personality. From there I came here and read other testimonials wondering whether I would perish or survive. I read with disbelief about people who had escaped and thrived free from the oppression never actually believing I could break free myself.

I have been out and around today walking on streets I know well from before my incarceration began when I had my own life to myself. Its an amazing feeling to be free of it but then there is always the nagging issue that while I have taken myself to
 safety and freedom - there is a disturbed person in a house thinking and plotting, cursing and crying, on my account.

She wrote me a long email today setting out why it went wrong and how things are going to change. Essentially its my fault as I kept my debt issues secret from her so she could not trust me and that freaked her out and is why she is violent and unbalanced. Of course - the latter is why I kept debt issues from her. And she has been like this for 18 years from the beginning no acknowledgement of that. A month after marriage she kicked me hard between the legs and hit me where it really hurts.

I replied saying accept my final decision - I dont love you and dont want you.

Let us focus on the future and settle all remaining practical issues. I ruled out supporting her financially living in the house and indicated I would like to sell and divide the assets. I also said I would not reply to any of her texts and would answer one email per day at night before I go to bed for the time being.

One thing I do feel really bad about is that my dad is drinking vodka in secret from his wife (he is 80) and she confided in me that he secretly lost the family savings on the stock market 10 years ago - now this was about 1 year after when my wife more or less put a stop to him seeing his grandson and 6 months after that he had a nervous breakdown. I dont know if the two are connected but my dad never risked money like that, was always cautious etc - totally out of character. But the combination of losing me and his grandson at that time in his life - maybe - just shows how one destructive personality can wreak havoc.

there is always hope no matter how bad things are. I didn't think I would make it on the appalling Friday morning I almost ran out of the house to my car but just dug in - took the punches and kicks knowing 1 more day and I would make it.

Tomorrow I see my sister about accomodation.

love to all and continued thanks for all your support

Logged
Gemsforeyes
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 758


« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2019, 05:26:09 PM »

Hey Mr. Right and Free-

So glad you had a good day.  I’m sorry about your dad’s issues, but sadly, not your responsibility...  you’ve got your own fish to fry.

In a few weeks, I’d like to discuss some trauma therapy for you.  Please do what I didn’t do when I fled my home and marriage  (19 years NPD/ uBPD).  The marriage ended the night he threw me across the room.  I’m about to really do it now and I left in late 2011... yea...  always thought I could stuff it down like everything else.

But, first things first... all positive things for you in your new life!  Beginning with going to sleep and waking up when you please.

Much love to you,
Gems
Logged
MrRight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 278


« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2019, 01:52:06 AM »

Hey Mr. Right and Free-

So glad you had a good day.  I’m sorry about your dad’s issues, but sadly, not your responsibility...  you’ve got your own fish to fry.

In a few weeks, I’d like to discuss some trauma therapy for you.  Please do what I didn’t do when I fled my home and marriage  (19 years NPD/ uBPD).  The marriage ended the night he threw me across the room.  I’m about to really do it now and I left in late 2011... yea...  always thought I could stuff it down like everything else.

But, first things first... all positive things for you in your new life!  Beginning with going to sleep and waking up when you please.

Much love to you,
Gems

Thanks for your kind offer.

Well she is going into blame mode saying Im a bad father etc. She wont touch the money her mum sent her and she will only co-operate selling the house if I come back to help. I've now said I wont send her any more support money since she would prefer to live off my work rather than touch her savings. She's also saying Ive mucked things up for her career since she cant now get to various countrywide events without me as a driver.

It looks like this could drag out but my main focus is myself - getting myself re-established as a single person with some accomodation of my own and making sure my business does not suffer as a result of all this as I do need that income. It will help not having to send her any more money and as I know she has substantial savings (which she says she would rather starve than touch) I dont think anybody could blame me.

Will keep you all updated and hope this does not get too boring,
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4147



« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2019, 10:11:50 AM »

The Blame more happens because she can't process her own behaviors that led to your leaving -- avoiding responsibility and accountability means reflecting to someone else. She isn't at fault, so it must be you.

Plus, she's having to face the consequences of your not being in the house and under her control anymore. No funding from you? That means either she uses her own funds, or becomes employed in some way. Career affected because you aren't there to drive her? That means she hires a driver, or finds another mode of transportation, or (gasp) learns to drive herself.

She doesn't want to grapple with these consequences, so she will discharge the negative emotions by blaming you.

Don't be surprised if she goes back and forth between the tearful begging and the angry blaming, more than a few times.

Your job is to repeat that you are not returning, and she needs to figure out her new life.
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5763


« Reply #17 on: September 23, 2019, 11:14:11 AM »

Hey Mr. R, Great work!  I admire your courage.  Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) which is how a pwBPD manipulates a Non.  It sounds like the FOG campaign has already begun so keep good boundaries.  Suggest you decline to participate in, or react to, FOG, just as you are already doing.

Something you wrote really impressed me:

Excerpt
This is an ongoing campaign to free nons from the tyranny of BPDs and NPDs - there is one less to worry about and as an 18 year sufferer I intend to remain on this board and offer my input where it may be helpful.

Yes, to free Nons from the tyranny of those w/BPD.  I'm behind you all the way, Mr. R!

LuckyJim
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
MrRight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 278


« Reply #18 on: September 23, 2019, 05:14:26 PM »

Thanks LuckyJim - although I have issues to deal with I feel like the biggest one is now out of the way. The last few weeks while I was plotting to leave were the worst and I just never quite believed I would have the strength to do this. Only the depth of my suffering got my  carcass out of the door far from her. She was monitoring all my work - wanting to see what I had done - I was having to invent stuff - quite futile work, at times - just to pacify her into believing I had been busy. My business needs 4/5 hours steady work per day - she was having me sit at the PC for 10+ hours each day. No way could I endure 1 more day and I really would have been calling the police for protection had she cancelled her day out.

GaGrl yes she is now trying to place conditions saying she cant or wont co-operate in selling the house unless I talk to her. She has stopped asking me to come back though but does want me to drive her on a 700 miles round trip to her business conference. Of course I said no.

I saw my sister today and realised how many people I have strong connections with. She said its the first time in 18 years she has truly heard my voice. Of course because when we used to see her I always had to watch what I said in case of later put downs and reprisals for saying the wrong thing.

Am seeing a room tomorrow and hope to get my own accomodation. A lot of time spent talking to my dad non stop - so glad he did not die in those 18 years as that could have broken me. He is 79.

Logged
Gemsforeyes
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 758


« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2019, 05:53:02 PM »

Dear Mr R. -

Yours is truly a remarkable story of hope and resilience.  I’m so glad you’re having this time with your family... I hope you’ll spend as much time as possible just relaxing and enjoying those moments.  No apologies... you’re there now.

How’s your son doing?  He must feel great relief for you.  I’m guessing he’s thinking of a plan himself.  Is there therapy available for him at the university?

Assuming your family is not pressuring you to move out straightaway, take your time to find a comfortable accommodation.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4147



« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2019, 07:22:22 PM »

It's as if your wife is going through the state's of grieving, isn't it? Remember...

Shock/Denial...Anger...Bargaining...Depression...Acceptance.

It might help to remember these stages as you hear or read messages from your wife. Her messages may be coming from the emotions of the state she is working through. Her statement that she won't cooperate in the sale of the house is probably coming from Anger. She certainly hasn't reached true Bargaining yet.

You also might find it helpful to have a short list of phrases that you know you'll need to repeat many times -- that way, you are ready to respond but aren't feeding her more or new info that she can "work off." You want to be steady, decided, focused.

 "My mind is made up."
 "I won't meet with you. "
 "I am not your driver. You need to find other transportation."
 "I'm glad to have our lawyers talk about that."I
" No. "

(Remember, 'No' is a complete sentence.)

 Can you think of some phrases that you know you will be repeating regularly?
 
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5763


« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2019, 10:41:08 AM »

Excerpt
although I have issues to deal with I feel like the biggest one is now out of the way.

Right, Mr. R, and I suspect you are breathing a sigh of relief.  I parted ways w/my BPDxW after 13 years so can relate to your journey.  Yes, the going is rough in the aftermath of a BPD r/s, yet you may discover, as I did, that I welcomed the challenges as all part of my new path.

Excerpt
I saw my sister today and realised how many people I have strong connections with. She said its the first time in 18 years she has truly heard my voice. Of course because when we used to see her I always had to watch what I said in case of later put downs and reprisals for saying the wrong thing.

Same for me.  For years I was walking on eggshells around my family, trying to avoid the reprisals you mention.  When my Ex and I parted ways, I reconnected with my sister and brother again, who proved a tremendous support during my divorce.  I was touched by their love and generosity, and willingness to forgive me for the lost years.

You're on your path again, Mr. R!

LJ
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5763


« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2019, 10:44:10 AM »

Excerpt
she is now trying to place conditions saying she cant or wont co-operate in selling the house unless I talk to her. She has stopped asking me to come back though but does want me to drive her on a 700 miles round trip to her business conference. Of course I said no.

P.S.  Beware of F-O-G!  She is trying to twist your arm.  A firm No is the way to handle, I suggest.

LJ
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
MrRight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 278


« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2019, 02:47:44 PM »

Thanks for all your helpful comments.

Her messages are getting shorter and less frequent.

I have a feeling that in a month or so she will start to realise it would be best to sell the house so have let things stand as they are for now while I settle into my new transitional life.

She has decided to drag our poor little dog on a 5 hour train journey so she can attend this workshop and our son will walk the dog for the whole day while she is in there. So selfish! What if it rains? But Im saying nothing about it. My son seems to think she is trying to prove what a hassle life will be for her without me around to do the driving etc.

I went to bed at midnight and woke at 2 - couldnt get back to sleep until 4 - too excited about life with thoughts etc.

This thread cant go on forever so if it gets locked thanks to all - I have been in utter despair for years but now the light is shining bright.

Logged
I Am Redeemed
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Separated, divorce not filed yet
Posts: 1113



« Reply #24 on: September 29, 2019, 09:04:29 AM »

Staff only This thread has reached the posting limit and has been locked. The discussion continues here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339804.msg13078638#msg13078638
Logged

It seemed the best thing to be up and go.
Up was the heartening and the strong reply.
The heart of standing is we cannot fly.
--William Empson,1940
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
alphabeta
AskingWhy
Avanzando
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
Forgiveness
ggGreg
gotbushels
Harri
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jones54
Katrinalove
Longterm
lucidone
Manifest32f
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mutt
narcdaughter2
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
Only Human
PeacefulMom
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
StillStuck
Teno
truthbeknown
Ventak
vinnie77
wendydarling
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!