Conflicted conflict

[Blast000]

I have been married for five years. In the last few months my partner was diagnosed with having BPD. I read books, discussed it with my therapist, and realized that the diagnosis was true.

It became easier for me to understand certain problems or events in the relationship. For example, it seems that my partner always has some kind of enemy---someone who enrages them and floods them with emotion.

This anger boils over nearly every day. It soaks up a lot of the relationship.

In the past I fed into these beliefs, judging individuals as things happened, but now I am far more detached.

To the point, my partner was hospitalized twice during the summer. She started a DBT class that is daily and includes a group setting. This is a top level program and is ranked as one of the best in the country. After two weeks she quit the program. I received no real warning that this was going to happen and no explanation was given. She is back in the program now and is set to complete it this Friday. The problem is that she hasn't been utilizing her skills and not much change has taken place. She focuses a lot of her energy complaining and crying about the other individuals in the class and how irritating they are. I feel like she should be focused on gaining new skills for the future and not on the peccadilloes of the group.

I thought this would help but now that it is nearing completion it doesn't seem like it has. I am frustrated. I feel annoyed around her, especially when she just goes off about other people when we have free time together. It's lonely. I never know what to expect.

I feel like she does not want to be in a relationship, certainly doesn't want to make the commitment to try and change.

Once again I feel pushed away.

Should I do some DBT therapy? Would it even make a difference?

I don't know want to end things. But I don't know how to function like this either. She doesn't have a job and she spends money constantly. I don't know what to do.

I have two therapists. They both think I should leave. But I don't think they really understand things either.

I fear that things might get worse. That she may need to be hospitalized again or that she might make me leave the house again. Who knows.

I want to be prepared for these things, but I don't know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tsunami Sailor]

Hey Blast,

Keeping in mind the board has specific warnings not to give stay or leave advice...

Though my wife is uBPD, we have quite a bit in common.  My wife completed 2 sessions of a DBT program, and was ready to quit after a few days because she felt her life and experiences were too different from the others.  However, when I sat down with her and read through her handouts and notes, she started to recognize the value in the material.  She also came to value the support and camaraderie the group setting provided.  She idealizes and devalues like every other BPD you read about.  She pushes makes me question what keeps me around every day.  I find myself trying to frame her angst from a clinical perspective all the time.

She often has a single enemy, and that single enemy is often me because my priorities and my brain do not shift as rapidly and impulsively as hers.  To her, I can't keep up with her creative mind.  I am a very creative person, but I'm calmer, and to me, I'm merely rational and stable.

I will not support or refute your counselors' suggestions, but I will agree that your priority needs to be yourself and your own well-being.  Being a partner of a BPD can really suck the joy from life sometimes (or oftentimes), and the rewards may be few and far between, but you do have a choice.  I think you need to carefully evaluate what your life will look like with both paths, and feel better about the prospects of the one you choose.