Just reaching out

[gizmocasci]

So last night after a few months of an emotional roller coaster, I finally decided to let go of the realtionship I had with this person who as far as I know is not diagnosed with BPD, but from everything I've read seems like she has it. I don't want to believe it to be true, hoping it's just everything else surrounding her life right now, but I can't shake the feeling it is to some capacity.

She was so loving an open from Jan-Apr, and I imploded in April from it being too overwhelming. There were some other circumstances with controlling and issues with her ex as well that was causing problems with-in me internally.

May-July I saw a completley different person. Cold, detached, icy, nitpicky, criticiazing, always seemed to want to pick a fight or argument with me. Blaming me, shaming me! I wasn't innocent, as i ocsilated back and forth from wanting to be with her and not. It was almost as if my body was rejecting the thought of being with her.

Last night I finally built up the strength to walk away. I coudn't take the verbal hits anymore, the you did this and you did that and you are to blame. I'd say why am I shouldering all the blame here, and she tell me to stop making it about me. I asked her about going to therapy with me back in May and she said she didn't want to go. She just wanted to focus on herself for the summer. Meanwhile when she said I was giving up on "us" I told her I've extended every olive branch necessary including therapy. She denied saying that she didn't want to go, and that I took it out of context. I happened to take a lot of things out of context. I brought up the idea of therapy again yesterday and she told me what an eye opening experience it would be for me. Wait a minute I've been in therapy on my own for 2 years working on my PLEASE READ.

Anyways when I met up with her last night to tell her I was done, she continued finger pointing at me saying I was to blame for everything. She even at one point got this stone cold look on her face and was describing Narcisstic traits, as if she was accusing me of being one. I didn't take the bait and ask  if she was accusing me of being one. She labled her ex as one. She went from blaming shaming and cold, to crying saddened and this little innocent girl within a matter of seconds. We sat and talked for a few hours just about life. She mentioned on how if she ruminated too much, she gets suicidal tendencies, so thats why she has to keep moving forward, she can't take a step back. By the end of the night I thought we had settled on that we just weren't in the right place for each other right now.

This morning I wake up to her saying how much her heart hurt and how much she didnt rememeber from last night and where this all stood. I told her it was over, and she again went off on me on how everything I wrote about her (poetry) was lie and was just used for material. That she couldn't trust me, that she wished she never got caught up in the love storm that I was. I kept everything as civil and nice as I could and wished her well on her path, and that the potential was still there to one day reconnect.

So these past 7 months has been quite the experience for me. She's taught me how to stand up for myself, what I will and won't tolerate from a future realtionship. Why not to get involved with someone who hasn't done their own inner work. How to be more open and communicative. I don't do conflict well, and that's all she ever wanted to be in towards the end. She said we were just communicating, but damn, if all realtionships are like that, I don't want to be a part of one. One day she'll realize how much I brought to the table for her, maybe. I gather I'll hear from her again at some point, but in the mean time, I need to keep focusing on me, my heart and my healing. I thought she was the one, and she may very well still be, but for now, I can't keep taking the punches.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey gizmo, No, she's not the one and Yes, you'll probably hear back from her soon.  Suggest you take a firm stand that it is unhealthy for you to be in a r/s in which you have to "keep taking the punches."  It's hard, I know, but in my view it's time to move on.

LuckyJim

[gizmo7247]

Hi Gizmo!

First of all great name  .

Second, and more importantly, I'm sorry you went through all of this. I faced the same blame and projection you did when my relationship with my ex-BPD ended, and struggled a lot separating fact from fiction. I'd been gaslit pretty intensively for quite awhile, so it left me very confused. It seems like you're doing a good job of identifying what was the truth, from what wasn't - I commend you for that.

I also had a similar experience with mine - where she claimed her past thee bfs had physically abused her, cheated on her and emotionally abused her. Instead of it being a warning sign to me - it instead made me feel bad for her, and want to treat her the way I thought she should be treated. She also said her most recent ex was a sociopath. In the end, I'm sure she labels me those things now (why wouldn't she - it's a pattern), and I had to face false allegations of physical abuse among other outlandish allegations. Though I was able to fairly easily counter those allegations, it still really gutted me (to be honest) to have to go through that with someone whom I'd truly loved and cared for.

It sounds from your stories (I went back and read some of your previous posts), she projected a lot from her ex on to you? How long was she with her ex? Did she make similar allegations about her previous exes? My exBPD and I had been to a therapist together, and after everything ended, that T was the one who told me she was a BPD. He also stressed to me that I could not believe anything she had said.

One of the most frustrating components of my exBPD was her complete inability to take responsibility for any of her actions, or to admit fault for anything she did. I would often try to meet in the middle, and openly admit my faults - but when I did she would just hammer down on what I was admitting, and refused to admit any wrongdoing on her part.I feel for you here, and see it coming out in what you're writing. We have to accept it's part of the disorder, and not personal - even though that's so incredibly hard to genuinely accept.

You are smart and right to continue focusing on your healing, your heart and you. You'll find a lot of people here who have been through similar experiences. You're in a good place.  

[gizmocasci]

Hey gizmo, No, she's not the one and Yes, you'll probably hear back from her soon.  Suggest you take a firm stand that it is unhealthy for you to be in a r/s in which you have to "keep taking the punches."  It's hard, I know, but in my view it's time to move on.

LuckyJim

thanks for the reply and support

[gizmocasci]

Hi Gizmo!

First of all great name  .

Second, and more importantly, I'm sorry you went through all of this. I faced the same blame and projection you did when my relationship with my ex-BPD ended, and struggled a lot separating fact from fiction. I'd been gaslit pretty intensively for quite awhile, so it left me very confused. It seems like you're doing a good job of identifying what was the truth, from what wasn't - I commend you for that.

I also had a similar experience with mine - where she claimed her past thee bfs had physically abused her, cheated on her and emotionally abused her. Instead of it being a warning sign to me - it instead made me feel bad for her, and want to treat her the way I thought she should be treated. She also said her most recent ex was a sociopath. In the end, I'm sure she labels me those things now (why wouldn't she - it's a pattern), and I had to face false allegations of physical abuse among other outlandish allegations. Though I was able to fairly easily counter those allegations, it still really gutted me (to be honest) to have to go through that with someone whom I'd truly loved and cared for.

It sounds from your stories (I went back and read some of your previous posts), she projected a lot from her ex on to you? How long was she with her ex? Did she make similar allegations about her previous exes? My exBPD and I had been to a therapist together, and after everything ended, that T was the one who told me she was a BPD. He also stressed to me that I could not believe anything she had said.

One of the most frustrating components of my exBPD was her complete inability to take responsibility for any of her actions, or to admit fault for anything she did. I would often try to meet in the middle, and openly admit my faults - but when I did she would just hammer down on what I was admitting, and refused to admit any wrongdoing on her part.I feel for you here, and see it coming out in what you're writing. We have to accept it's part of the disorder, and not personal - even though that's so incredibly hard to genuinely accept.

You are smart and right to continue focusing on your healing, your heart and you. You'll find a lot of people here who have been through similar experiences. You're in a good place.  

This is so eerily similar to my story. She claimed she was cheated on by her two previous exes, and that last one had mentally abused her (narcissit.)

Yes I felt like she projected a lot of the issues from her past relationship into this one. Hence why I was so hesitant to jump into something with her to begin with. But one thing led to another and it all just fell naturally into place. She was on and off with her previous ex for 3 years I believe. 1 together and 2 sort of on and off. The only similarity made was the fact both had cheated on her.

She was also unable to take responsibility for a lot of her actions. She would apologize from time to time, but when we were in heated arguments, the hammer would drop on me. It was like a switch. I got to the point I didn't know what person to expect. At the beginning it was really effecting me, but as time wore on, I was beginning to see it for how it was. I really believe the person we meet at the beginning is them in their true nature, its just the defense mechanisms and whatever else come out when they are triggered. Its two separate entities and its really sad.

Thanks for the kind words and support.

[Longterm]

  gizmocasci

if all realtionships are like that, I don't want to be a part of one 

They aren't all like that, and this is something I have been told many times. It seems like you have a good grasp of the unhealthy aspects of your relationship and that will serve you well moving forward.

LT.

[gizmocasci]

Update 8/21/19

Well its been close to 2 weeks with no contact. It seems like such a short time, yet so long ago. I have days where I feel amazing, I feel like my confidence is back, and I have days like today, where I want to call her and reach out. I know better though, I just have to ride through that wave. I also find myself coming on with a cold. Emotionally and physically I'm shot. I look at this cold as my final hurdle to clearing out all the toxicity that was coursing through my veins.

I find myself missing person a immensly, yet loathing person b. Looking back, had I been secure enough in myself, I would've ended it for good memorial day weekend, but I tried my best to make it work. Were the verbal beatings worth it? I guess one could say yes and no. As much as I allowed her to tear me down, she was also building me back up. She was giving me the confidence to walk away from an abusive situation. I stopped by my therapist yesterday to do a quick check-in and she was estatic that I had broken free. She was pretty spot on with most of the relationship, and stated that had I continued on, it was most likely going to lead to phyical abuse or a pregnancy.

Her birthday is in just a few weeks, and I'm struggling with the decision to reach out. Knowing her though, she'll see it as an opening from me to jump back in. If it's true that friends and family are a better predictor of how a relationship will play out, than everyone was screaming at me to run. Except the one person who brought us together.

I though this person was going to be my it, my forever. It's a tough pill to swallow to think that she never existed. I'm of the believer she does though. Deep down underneath all that hurt and pain lies and innocenct girl just wanting to find love. I have to remind myself though, that I can't fix her, nor can I save her.

Admist the internal uncomfortableness right now, I do find myself slowly gaining traction to where I was at before I met this "amazing" girl. Only this time, I'm a bit stronger and a bit wiser.

Sending love and light to anyone else riding the waves of emotion. We got this!

[Lucky Jim]

Nice work, gizmo, gaining perspective on yourself and your BPD Ex.  Going through the BPD crucible is painful, yet leads to new growth, in my experience.

LJ

[gizmocasci]

UPDATE 10/4

I’m now on 2 months of no contact. It’s been an interesting week/ week and a half. I’ve struggled with some emotions recently. Riding through the rollercoaster of them all. Sadness, anger, acceptance.  I’m longing for her, I want to reach out to her, I want to see her, but I know she’s no good for me. Not now, possibly ever. I’m continuing to do things that I love to do. Getting a good nights sleep, eating well, drinking water, running, meditating, and more.

Rational me knows what’s up, internal me is grieving the loss. I keep reminding myself that all my feelings are valid, that I’m allowed to feel this way.

Time, I know time! I just needed to share how I was feeling today.

Continued well wishes to anyone else feeling down recently. Just know, the feelings do pass.

R

[Lucky Jim]

Rational me knows what’s up, internal me is grieving the loss. I keep reminding myself that all my feelings are valid, that I’m allowed to feel this way.

Nice work, R!  Right, the heart and the head have different agendas.  Yes, all feelings are valid and part of you.  Suggest you acknowledge your feelings and let them pass, as you are doing.  Patience, as you note, is in my view the right approach.

LJ

[Cat Familiar]

In agreement with Lucky Jim. Good work, gizmocasci 

To move through feelings, we must allow them to be expressed and felt.