Discarded? Is this the beginning? What do I do?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

My ubpdgf has given me silent treatment on average about every 2 weeks. This time when we started talking again, she was very emotionally abusive saying how terrible and selfish I was. The difference is this time I haven’t apologized for doing anything wrong, though I have validated feelings (eg sorry you feel ...). The other new thing she has started doing is telling me not to say thank you. I always say thank you when I feel grateful (for anyone who calls on phone or listens for example-I might naturally say “Thank you for calling or Thanks for listening). She doesnt like it and wants me to say thank you when it is authentic. I finally told her that I’m not a liar and I say thank you when I feel grateful. How does anyone get to the point in life when saying thanks is bad? I couldn’t stand her saying it i couldnt say it anymore when that is me. The other difference is I’m not really chasing, not begging her to please dont end it etc... And I know she is reading into conversations thinking that the only reason I’m listening to her is because I’m desparate. She said that.

My question is how do you know when it’s a discard? Or when a discard is coming? How do I interpret silence vs discard? Right now I’m getting a text a day or 2 apart that says”if you want to work on the relationship then this is where it starts. This bothers me the most”( article about how to talk about lack of sex was attached. Mind you the text is example of whst not to do.) i had responded by saying how I agree ... and did say thar not saying things that are intended to hurt, respect is where it is important to start.. And some more things like thatI also said I woildnt text about serious topics anymore. We talked briefly at end of day about her trip
Coming ip. Then she texted me the next day “good luck with your speech”. Then I wished her the best for her business trip. But nothing followed before she left.

The only thing wierd is she called the day aftrr our fight saying “I dont want uou to carry this and think I don’t want to work on this relationship. I just dont know what to do.” Then click.

I can now say that her pattern is emotionally abusive words and behavior-gaslighting, silence etc.

Is this the start of discard? We’ve been together 2 years.

[Red5]

I can now say that her pattern is emotionally abusive words and behavior-gaslighting, silence etc.

Is this the start of discard? We’ve been together 2 years.

Hello LintFL...

Have you ever read John Gottam’s... “the stages of a relationship”?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138812.0

Red5

[formflier]

You won't know when it's "over"  (only time will tell)

I'm really glad you are changing how you approach this.  It will benefit you (and maybe her) a lot in the long run. 


It appears to me you are still interested, so I'm going to share a tip or two for when she returns.

On the "don't say thank you thing"  Just listen.  Make it obvious you are listening.

"Hey...this seems important to you.  I'm listening."

then listen...don't respond.

When she is done "I see, what do you want me to understand about your values regarding thank you?"

listen

"Do you want to understand my values as it relates to saying thank you?"

No explanation until she says yes.  If she says no, then stay calm and ask her to let you know when she wants to continue the conversation.  Politely excuse yourself.

Think about the "vibe" of the conversation above compared to the "vibe" of the conversations you have been having.

Can you share your thoughts on the differences?

Best,

FF

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Red- this is helpful to read but at the same time, makes me sad. Seems hopeless. I try so hard to understand hpw a person can say such hateful things. And then its hard to wonder if this is the end because i cant take it.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

FF -so helpful. Do yoh have more suggestions like this? How to deal with the hateful meaning in words but still stay engaged. I feel like i have to endure her chiseling away at my soul to just make it to therapy.

We go back on Thursday. i admit I told the therapist on the ohone she has been abusive and I cant take it.

[formflier]

We go back on Thursday. i admit I told the therapist on the ohone she has been abusive and I cant take it.

On Thursday, this is a great thing to talk about...as long as you own it.

"I'm interested in better understanding what I can do to improve our relationship when I'm hearing  things that are upsetting to me.  I wonder if taking me taking a break from the conversation would be a good."

That is much better than..

"She is abusive she should stop this."  (even though this might be true)

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Hi Ff-

Thanks—can you say that again? Is it me taking a break? Or not taking s break? I’m not sure if I’m reading this correctly.  Do I say  that maybe I need to take break from conversation too(eg I go silent)?

This is helpful? But will she take this as affirmation that I’m the problem. Thats the issue- she keep saying its me. What about my needs in a relationship? How do I say those should be important too?

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Read that several times.  Take notes of questions you may have.  Post them back here.

Switching gears.

There seems to be an investment or "power struggle" for you to understand/prove/ that "you are not a problem...or the problem" in the relationship and that your partner is.

Think of this as a "lens".  You need to get rid of this.

What if your lens was "I'm going to take care of me"

From that angle...  If she is saying abusive things, rather than trying to convince her that she is being abusive and "control her mouth"...much healthier to "control your ears".

Seriously.

2 ways to solve this. 

Her mouth stops or goes somewhere else.

Your ears stop working...or goes somewhere else.

I know..I know...she won't like that.

This isn't about her..it's about you.  Own it.  You are worth it.

Read the article I sent, several times.

Best,

FF

[Red5]

Thanks Red- this is helpful to read but at the same time, makes me sad. Seems hopeless. I try so hard to understand hpw a person can say such hateful things. And then its hard to wonder if this is the end because i cant take it.

Its important to check your bearings (navigation)… where are you and your partner exactly in the relationship, how far down the line is the relationship, "how close to the rocky shoals are you at this exact moment in time"… recognize the red flags, many of us here made it worse and worse, just by "fighting back"… this is called JADE, "justify argue explain & defend"… with a borderline, you aren't ever going to "win"… another thing that is said here often, is to "not take it personally"… look up "projection"…

There are many tools, and lessons presented here that can help you to navigate through these difficult relationships… in the "groups", third (green) bar down… here is a quick link… https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Very important to stop making it worse… "stop the bleeding"… check your position, how far down Mr. Gottman's list are you and your partner… once "contempt" sets in, its near impossible to recover from this… there are other terms (tools) used here constantly… "validation", and don't "invalidate", be empathetic towards your partner, even though their feelings, actions, words may be "off track", and "left of center", even hurtful… these are indeed their feelings, and with borderlines, their feelings equal facts to them … their actual reality.

Link~> https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

(exert)… " Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

 Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.

Make a Commitment to Stop Making it Worse

 The first step is commitment. By definition, when you are out of control (throwing the proverbial fuel on the fire), you are not using logic (or any other helpful process) enough.

 Commitment means practicing alternative reactions ahead of time until they become automatic. Then, as you start to become out of control, this new automatic behavior appears. In a way, commitment gives you self-control "

Going to "T" (therapy) is an awesome thing… stick with it!

Hope this helps,

Kind Regards!, Red5