uBPDw is mad about my job search not producing a promotion, and drinking more

[guitarguy09]

I have been searching for a new job for a few years now, but in just the past 8 months I now have a new certification in my industry that should help me get a new position. The job searching is frustrating, but my w gets so mad at me and at God (we are Christians but she can be very jaded). She blamed God for us not having a level of success like some of those around us, be it family, or friends or people from college. We're doing ok on money, we're certainly not getting ahead but we can afford to take a vacation a year, which I suggested staying at home instead and she said she NEEDS to take a vacation a year or she would go insane. I halfway figured on that response.

To make matters worse, our older s who is 7 will probably need orthodontia, which even with insurance will cost a little bit of money, we can handle it but to her it's monumental and compounds on the stress.

4 out of the past 5 nights she's gotten drunk. Ironically she even went to bible study last night but returned to her similar refrain of drinking and complaining. I try to tell her it's unhealthy and what's funny is she tells me of all these places she wants to go on vacation before she dies and drinking will only speed up her death. Now we're not old, we're in our early 30s. Also I notice whenever she gets drunk she gets belligerent and accuses me of never listening to her.

I have had a good phone interview yesterday and am really hoping that job will pan out. That would make things better I believe. Anyone experience anything like this?

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[Ozzie101]

Not exactly, but jobs and money have been a trigger for my uBPDh.

He'll readily admit he gets jealous of anyone who buys a new car or has a nicer house, etc. We're fine financially and he makes more money than we spend, so we're fine, but it still frustrates him.

I don't make a lot of money. My profession is in a dying industry and it's notoriously low-paying. I supported myself just fine before we married and I've been looking for a new job for quite some time with no luck. Anyway, last year, H really started picking on my employment: belittling me for not making more money, lashing out that he was the one supporting us (he knew how much I make before he married me), threatening to quit his job so that I'd have to get multiple jobs to support us. It was all stress and fear speaking -- fear that he would lose his job and then, with his substantial paycheck gone, we'd be in trouble. He just let it out in an unhealthy way.

(And the "I need to take a trip or I'll go nuts" thing? H does that, too.)

Good luck to you with the job!

[guitarguy09]

Thanks! Today I found out a job I thought they were no longer interested in me are still interested, so there are two pending that would both be good jobs. Hoping one of those works out.

That is funny, my w gets jealous of those who have new cars or bigger houses too. Especially since my car I've had for a while, it's not a total POS but if I got a new job I would think about maybe getting something else. That's funny your h does the same thing with vacations. That is unfortunate with the vague threats of quitting his job - hopefully that doesn't happen but I notice my w likes to make empty threats a lot.

One thing is we are a single income family with two young kids, one in school so I make all the money in the family. I've told her she could get a part time job but she's full of excuses as to why it wouldn't work out. A part time retail job would even be nice and it would be fun for her to get out. But I digress. If I got a job that was making a little more money and helping advance my career I think it would do wonders for both of us.

[Ozzie101]

Money can be a major source of stress and conflict even in relationships without a PD involved. So, I guess, in BPD relationships it can be even worse. I think my H's reactions and attitudes money-wise are framed by stress and fear. Thankfully, he's gotten better about it.

When he's talked about needing to save more (his job actually is in jeopardy at this time), I'll throw out the idea of not taking a vacation, or of taking cheaper, shorter ones. He never likes that idea. At all. Says he needs to get away for at least 10 days or it doesn't do any good.

I do hope something works out for you and that more money and advancement helps.

[RBGE]

H really started picking on my employment: belittling me for not making more money, lashing out that he was the one supporting us

Wow! I had to respond to this because I've been hearing the same speech for years ("I'm the one supporting us financially. I have to work myself to the bone because you don't make enough to pay the mortgage. All I do is give and give and support you no matter what. You have such an easy life," etc.)

Ozzie101: In your opinion, is this a manipulation on his part? Do you feel manipulated when he goes down that road?

guitaryguy09 - Good luck with the job search. I hope you land something good that you're happy with.  

[Ozzie101]

In your opinion, is this a manipulation on his part? Do you feel manipulated when he goes down that road?

I suppose it could be manipulation. I don't know.  Given his demeanor when he's doing it, though, I think he's feeling overwhelmed with pressure/stress/fear and it just sort of explodes out of him in this unregulated, disordered manner.

He hasn't used that one in a while but his job situation just keeps getting worse so I'm quietly preparing myself just in case we get back into the cycle.

What about your situation? Do you think it's manipulative? Guitarguy, what do you think?

[guitarguy09]

Ozzie101 - I agree with you that money can be a major stressor even in non bpd relationships. Yours has the same attitude about vacations too. If we only go for a few days it doesn't really help. Lol

RBGE - no kidding! My w being a stay at home mom expects huge amounts of praise on a consistent basis for doing household stuff like cooking, cleaning, laundry. Then she says the house would fall apart without her.

Thank you both for the well wishes on my career!

[Wrongturn1]

Yes, Guitarguy, my uBPDw exhibits a lot of the same tendencies you describe.  She binge drinks typically 5 days per week, and one evening earlier this week she drank 3 glasses of wine before going to Bible study and then bought another bottle of wine on her way home (she only drank one additional glass that night, so she was not out of control for her).  She tries to conceal her drinking by stuffing wine bottles and containers deep in the kitchen trash can but I often notice them while taking out the trash.  After a few drinks, she tends to get somewhat belligerent and hassles our kids about minor issues; after a few more, she often goes after me or herself.  About once per month, she tells me that she recognizes the drinking is not good for her long-term health and that it is making her put on weight and that she is going to stop drinking…and she does stop, usually for a day or two, before starting up again.

My uBPDw also rants about wanting to travel more and resents that I “get” to travel often for work (and my work trips are often awful and I try to avoid them as much as possible).  She recently complained bitterly that I “never” take her on trips (actually we normally do 1 to 2 trips together annually as a couple, plus typically a couple of family vacations per year), so I caved and booked a trip to the east coast for next weekend. 

uBPDw has a low-paying job that could be fun for a person capable of enjoying life, but she hates the job and complains frequently that she wants to quit.  I am glad she has that job as it reduces the amount of shopping she is able to do, and her paycheck partially offsets her compulsive spending on anything and everything.

I hope everything works out with you and the job opportunities!