Major symptoms after 8 years of close to normal

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter was diagnosed at 18 with BPD. She did not accept the diagnosis. We were basically estranged for several years although we supported her financially in many ways. At 29 she met a nice man, had 2 kids and married him. The last 8 years were mostly tolerable. This summer, she left her husband for a musician with a green mohawk, shaved off half her hair and got many new tattoos. When she told me she was leaving him, I asked if she had a new boyfriend but she lied and said no. When I saw a picture of the new guy, I told her that I would side with her husband on any custody issues. We have not had any communication since. Her ex asked me for $2000 to give her so she could move out and I did. I realize that her new boyfriend  is probably a decent guy but I am worried about what will become of her. She has never managed to hold a job for more than a few months and she has blamed me for any problems. I feel really upset. My husband says to just let her go. I know there is nothing I can do about her choices but I am grieving the loss of my daughter. Thanks for being here.

[islandview]

My daughter was diagnosed at 18 with BPD. She did not accept the diagnosis. We were basically estranged for several years although we supported her financially in many ways. At 29 she met a nice man, had 2 kids and married him. The last 8 years were mostly tolerable. This summer, she left her husband for a musician with a green mohawk, shaved off half her hair and got many new tattoos. When she told me she was leaving him, I asked if she had a new boyfriend but she lied and said no. When I saw a picture of the new guy, I told her that I would side with her husband on any custody issues. We have not had any communication since. Her ex asked me for $2000 to give her so she could move out and I did. I realize that her new boyfriend  is probably a decent guy but I am worried about what will become of her. She has never managed to hold a job for more than a few months and she has blamed me for any problems. I feel really upset. My husband says to just let her go. I know there is nothing I can do about her choices but I am grieving the loss of my daughter. Thanks for being here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Islandview
Welcome. I am glad you are here and sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. I know what you mean about grieving for our children. None of us wanted this for them. But reality is what reality is and we all have to face it. You are wise to realize that there is nothing you can do about your daughter's choices. But there is a lot you can do for yourself. Do you have a self care plan?
Hugs
Faith

[islandview]

Thanks for your reply. I have ordered some books and joined this site. Not too many therapists on the small place we retired to. I do not know anyone else with a BPD child. I do have friends who have adult children with issues but no one can relate to me. My husband refuses to discuss this. He says we have wasted enough of our lives with her. She went through rehab which cost a lot of money and we paid housing for her for many years. We have a son who is very successful so my husband says there is nothing we can do about our daughter.Thanks for listening.

[FaithHopeLove]

There may not be much you can do for your daughter at this point but there is a lot you can do for you. Posting here and reading and learning about BPD will help I think even if you do not have access to a therapist. There is a ton of articles and videos on this website too. Have you had a chance to look around?

[islandview]

I did read about a parent doing SE so I looked it up and found a practitioner of Somatic Experiencing not too far away and I have requested an appointment. Thanks.

[FaithHopeLove]

I have heard good things about somatic experiencing. I will be interested in hearing how it goes.
 

[PeaceMom]

Hi, yes please give us feedback on S.E. -if you'd like a jumpstart you can read “The Body Keeps the Score” Van der Kolk.
So much of what we’ve experienced is trapped in our body and leaves us with aches, pains, and mystery feelings. I’m having trouble locating a S.E. therapist in my area, but it’s on my list.

I think it can be helpful to the pw BPD as well. “Loving Someone with BPD” discusses the toll the disorder takes in their bodies and how many are in great pain on a daily basis. The facts she shared we fascinating, actually.

Keep posting, we are here and listening.

Peacemom