Are there others with eating disordered uBPD mom?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

A few months after giving birth to me, mom was diagnosed with an eating disorder.  She never had another child.  Now (I'm 57) I realize it could have been because she didn't like the growing pregnancy belly, which in her mind, made her look big.  After all, it wouldn't have been about the child growing inside of her, it would have been about what she looked like.

She still brags about how well she fed me as a child.  As an example of this, she tells me the story of feeding me a boiled egg for lunch.

Recently I found one of my old diaries.  When I was 15, I weighed about 80 lbs soaking wet.  My diary entry states that mom suggested we go on a diet together, and whoever lost the most weight, would get a new pair of earings.

Thankfully, I had to move away to attend post-secondary, and discovered a different "normal" outside of my mother's home.  However, the damage was done.

When I was 40, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis with a bone density scan.  I know it was diet-related from childhood, and affected by the many influences of my mother.  I was informed by a dietitian a number of years ago that we lay down our calcium in our bones, for life, by the time we are 19.  After that, we can maintain our existing bone density through diet and exercise, but we no longer "build" bone density.   I am now 57.  When I learned of my osteoporosis, I attended a women's clinic, and made adjustments to my diet, and began weight bearing activity.  I believe I have stopped the further decline of my existing osteoporosis.

Today my mother is 83, has severe osteoporosis, has had 4 surguries for hips/knee/back, has had many falls through her life the latest one resulting in 4 fractures in her pelvis and sacrum, after a "soft" fall on green grass while she was walking.  Still, she desires to lose weight.  She boasts about losing 10 lb in the last 6 weeks after her last fall.  She is currently so weak, she has stopped making her own brewed coffee because she can't lift a coffeepot any more.  While she recognizes she is weak, she doesn't want to eat because she would rather "look thin" than gain back strength so she doesn't fall again.  All that is important to her is "thin-ness".  Today a nurse told her that she needed to gain that 10 lb back and eat protein to gain back some muscle, or the reality was her weakness would result in another fall.  I saw the look on my mom's face.  She has been eating disordered her whole life.  I don't think it's going to change at 83, even as she struggles to get from her bed to her bathroom with her walker because of her 4 recent fractures.

I am struggling with resentment because of the legacy her eating disorder has left on me, and my bone density, and what this will mean for me.

I am interested to hear if there are other's with stories about a uBPD eating disordered mom, and how you have healed from that, if you have. 

[Methuen]

A few months after giving birth to me, mom was diagnosed with an eating disorder.  She never had another child.  Now (I'm 57) I realize it could have been because she didn't like the growing pregnancy belly, which in her mind, made her look big.  After all, it wouldn't have been about the child growing inside of her, it would have been about what she looked like.

She still brags about how well she fed me as a child.  As an example of this, she tells me the story of feeding me a boiled egg for lunch.

Recently I found one of my old diaries.  When I was 15, I weighed about 80 lbs soaking wet.  My diary entry states that mom suggested we go on a diet together, and whoever lost the most weight, would get a new pair of earings.

Thankfully, I had to move away to attend post-secondary, and discovered a different "normal" outside of my mother's home.  However, the damage was done.

When I was 40, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis with a bone density scan.  I know it was diet-related from childhood, and affected by the many influences of my mother.  I was informed by a dietitian a number of years ago that we lay down our calcium in our bones, for life, by the time we are 19.  After that, we can maintain our existing bone density through diet and exercise, but we no longer "build" bone density.   I am now 57.  When I learned of my osteoporosis, I attended a women's clinic, and made adjustments to my diet, and began weight bearing activity.  I believe I have stopped the further decline of my existing osteoporosis.

Today my mother is 83, has severe osteoporosis, has had 4 surguries for hips/knee/back, has had many falls through her life the latest one resulting in 4 fractures in her pelvis and sacrum, after a "soft" fall on green grass while she was walking.  Still, she desires to lose weight.  She boasts about losing 10 lb in the last 6 weeks after her last fall.  She is currently so weak, she has stopped making her own brewed coffee because she can't lift a coffeepot any more.  While she recognizes she is weak, she doesn't want to eat because she would rather "look thin" than gain back strength so she doesn't fall again.  All that is important to her is "thin-ness".  Today a nurse told her that she needed to gain that 10 lb back and eat protein to gain back some muscle, or the reality was her weakness would result in another fall.  I saw the look on my mom's face.  She has been eating disordered her whole life.  I don't think it's going to change at 83, even as she struggles to get from her bed to her bathroom with her walker because of her 4 recent fractures.

I am struggling with resentment because of the legacy her eating disorder has left on me, and my bone density, and what this will mean for me.

I am interested to hear if there are other's with stories about a uBPD eating disordered mom, and how you have healed from that, if you have. 

[Notwendy]

Mine too.

When I was about 10, she started to tell me I needed to lose weight and go on a diet. She has an eating disorder.  She also got my father into it, also saying he'd buy me things if I lost weight. I know she put him up to it.

I was never overweight. In all my pictures, I was trim. My mother wasn't overweight either- and she was projecting her own issues on to me.

The result for me was that, even though I wasn't overweight, I thought I was. I didn't feel confident in how I looked. Also, she is a petite woman who doesn't exercise. I was taller than her and also participated in sports. So she was able to compare me to her. I was bigger than her, but I wasn't a large person. She would tell me I was.

Another factor in osteoporosis is genetics along with diet. While I understand wishing things were different, I hope that still, you can slow this down with diet, exercise.

[zachira]

It hurts my heart to hear how you now have osteoporosis because of the impact your mother's eating disorder had on you when you were a child. Those of us who come from dysfunctional homes often have physical and emotional challenges that affect us throughout our lives, because we can't completely undo all the damage done to us by disordered parenting. In response to your question: Are there others with eating disordered BPD mom?, I would say that my mother with BPD tried to control our eating, and I struggle with being overweight, eating for emotional reasons and not always knowing how to read hunger cues. My brother is more impaired as he rebelled against mom's control of his eating, and he is obsessed with eating only food he has prepared himself.

[Panda39]

I'm glad to hear you have been taking care of your health and have been able to halt the loss of bone density.  The messages that we receive and internalize and the physical effects of these messages are really tough to deal with.

I have a messed up relationship with food and self image not because of a BPD mother but because of an overly critical mother.  I am very overweight and yo yo on various diets and exercise plans and have since my tween years.  The last time I lost 66 pounds I looked and felt great but 2 things happened, I burnt out on all the preparation and time it took to maintain and my mom told me I was beautiful.

Why wouldn't my mom telling me I was beautiful be great? Be motivating? Feel supportive? Because it is conditional.  I must meet her criteria or society's criteria to be beautiful in the eyes of my mother.  Why am I not beautiful simply because I am her daughter? Why am I never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough...ENOUGH!

I am getting better with accepting myself as I am, and focusing on how I feel on the inside and less about how I look on the outside but like I said these messages can do a number on us.

I also want to add that my partner's younger daughter has an eating disorder from the messages she received from her uBPD mother, and according to my partner, his ex's mom was also very critical of her...it is a cycle and likely is with the female line in my family as well.

Panda39

[Methuen]

Thank you Zachira and Panda 39 for sharing.  I let out huge exhales reading your threads, and am just so relieved I am not alone. 

I'm struggling a lot with the emotional pain that comes from having a disordered mom whose poor choices and decisions have such profound life long consequences for both her and me.  I guess we're all kind of angry for the negative legacies our BP's have left us.

Yesterday, when the home care nurse told my mom she needed to gain back that 10 lbs she lost since her fall 6 weeks ago, my mom's response was "how many calories are in the protein shake?"   I flipped a gasket internally (more like a Mt St Helens eruption), but stayed quiet. 

Eating disorders are ruthless.  If there are others out there who can relate, I appreciate anything any one cares to share about their experience.

[Notwendy]

My mother's eating disorder is just one aspect of her BPD issues. I don't think I have any control over it. It's part of her need to control. She controls what is in her refrigerator, what we ate as kids when we were home. She tried to control what my father ate ( he went out to eat a lot, now it makes sense why- he could eat in peace there).

If I brought food into the house without her approval, she would throw it out. When my father was sick, we would even sneak in some of his favorite treats so he could have them but she couldn't know.

For me to be OK with myself, I have to work on me- to undo her messages.  I still tend to buy loose clothing and also clothing that is too big. I still feel I have to hide how I'm built but I no longer buy into what she has said about me. I know that I can't work on her issues- she's going to eat/do what she does. I find it better to work on me than to focus on her.

I understand your fear and concern for your mother, but you can't force feed her. What she did to you as a child was a projection of her own issues. You don't have to own them- you aren't all she says you are. I think it would help to shift your focus on to you and work on undoing the untrue things she has said to you.

[Methuen]

Thank you NotWendy.  You've given me some things to think about.  I've been 4'11" my whole life, but was never petite enough for mom.

She controls what is in her refrigerator

I can relate.  I have an example.  Last year my elderly mom started harrassing us to pick her plums off her tree.  They were still green.  Every day she natterred away at us.  It drove us crazy as she just loves to boss people around (control).  We waited until the plums were ripe.  When we picked them, both of us (myself and husband) picked together for 4 hours (note 8 hours of work).  We had boxes and boxes of plums in our fridge, so we asked her if we could keep 1 box in her fridge (her fridge was empty).  She said sure.  When we were there about a week later to pick up the box from her fridge, she said she had thrown them out.  That was the moment when I realized she couldn't stand seeing food in her fridge.  I actually think her eating disorder has worsened as she has aged, if that's possible.  Or maybe I just have more time now to notice it more.  To say I was vexxed after her nagging us to pick those plums is an understatement.  Being her daughter and only child (and only 10 min away) is often torture.  I try to keep as much distance as I can, but because of her disorders and choices through life, she is frail beyond words, which traps me into assisting her.  It is such a horrible trap.  I have yet to figure out how to either get out of the trap, or at least manage the pain and frustration of being in it.  Ironically I became a Home Ec teacher and worked with food my whole life.  I love both preparing and eating food.  Huh.  That has probably always frustrated and "eaten" away at her in a pretty profound way.  That thought just came as a bit of an epiphany.  Gives me some satisfaction actually!  Yay-a moment of joy!  Maybe it tortured her...and might explain some of her attitudes and behavior towards me.  Huh.

I guess there is no magic bullet to heal from the effects and traps of the BP's in our lives.  Still looking to hear about what has worked for other people though and if healing has happened, or what it even looks like. 

[zachira]

You feel trapped by your uBPD mom and want to know how to heal, if indeed there is a magic bullet. I hear your pain and frustration about your mom's need to control everything and how that makes you feel. I am on the road to healing from all the abuse inflicted by my BPD mom though I firmly believe we never completely heal from all the loses, we just get better at accepting them and not being so overwhelmed by the behaviors of our mother with BPD. What has helped me the most is to do years of personal therapy, and to take time out each day to mindfully sit with my feelings in a quiet place so no feeling is too overwhelming or painful for too long. Boundaries are also key, mainly not feeling the feelings of our mother with BPD for her: Let her feel her feelings while we stay grounded in who we are.

[Methuen]

Holy.  There is really a lot of good suggestions there Zachira.  Thank you

not feeling the feelings of our mother with BPD for her

I'm going to take this to my therapist, as I'm guessing there is a whole lot of work involved in achieving this...How on earth did you achieve that?  That just seems to be the magic bullet I am looking for.  If I could figure that out, some other things might fall into place.
I'm very interested in mindfulness...have to find someone who can guide me through the beginning skills.  I've been going to yoga for a year, and find I always feel better after that. 

[zachira]

I am a work in progress, years in therapy and trying not to lower myself to the level of my family members. One thing that has helped tremendously and I know this sounds terrible is having my mother with BPD pass away this summer. I can't overestimate the effect of having a disordered mother who meets the criteria for BPD, whether diagnosed or not, being a constant in my life and never feeling safe even though we had limited contact. The second thing that is helping now is having one of my relatives who is a mental health professional point out that one of my siblings likely has Aspergers. I would say all of my siblings, my mother, my father, my BIL, my sibling's children, some of my first and second cousins, are all on the Autism Spectrum, some who would surely meet the criteria for an Aspergers diagnosis. Considering I have family members with: Bipolar Disorder some of whom died in the state mental institution, Major Depressive Disorder inherited through three sets of great grandparents, BPD, NPD, and ADHD, and who knows what else, I have a lot to figure out. I would say, that no matter what you believe the diagnosis, it is important to remember that people with mental health disorders like BPD and developmental disorders like Aspergers often marry each other. No two people with the same diagnosis are exactly alike, thus the most important thing you can do is know yourself well, and how you want to respond. I respect you for going to therapy which though extremely helpful to me in the long run, has for me been a process of unpeeling the onion and sometimes uncovering many painful things, though grieving the pain does eventually help me to move forward. Just take it one day at a time, and you will start to feel better, and be less overwhelmed and upset by the latest round of dysfunctional behaviors of your uBPD mom. Mindfulness is great stuff and I am glad to hear you are liking yoga. I hope this wasn't too much to read or too much of my own stuff. I apologize if that is so. I wish you all the best in your journey. Do keep us posted on how you are doing! You are already doing a great deal towards making a better life for yourself and adjusting to having a uBPD mom.

[Methuen]

Definitely not too much to read Zachira.  I am craving to hear from people.  This is the first time in my life I have had support outside of my husband.  My friends don't know.  I have no family within 800 miles.  They don't know.  Nobody knows I have a uBPD mom.  Even our adult kids don't know of the BPD.  I don't have words to express my gratitude for the support.  So... not too much for me to read.

One thing that has helped tremendously and I know this sounds terrible is having my mother with BPD pass away this summer.

I have been wondering about this...whether it gets better or worse once they are departed.  I'm relieved to hear that it got better for you.

My mom is 83.  Her dad lived to 99.  All her sisters except one are older than her, and most are in their 90's.  Longevity is in her genes.  It makes me feel I have a lot of suffering ahead of me still.  What an aweful thing to feel about one's mother, and worse still to put it in print.  It just hurts so much.

[zachira]

My mom was very elderly when she passed away. I think you are doing everything you can now so that when your mother is gone, you will be able to feel relieved though certainly there will be some sadness. I feel badly for those who do not realize their parent has BPD before their parent passes and then it can be hard to reconstruct exactly what happened. Having your mother still alive gives you the chance to do a reality check with what you are uncovering and discovering. I am hoping you will start to feel safer as time goes on, and may get to a point where you can feel safe no matter how your mom behaves. 

[Methuen]

Thanks for pointing out the silver lining.  I needed that, and appreciate your thoughtfulness.

[Notwendy]

I don't know what resources your mother has, but I am grateful that my father left my mother with the finances to get assistance.

She is much better with caretakers than she is with me. However, she does get into drama with them too. Yet for them, it's a paycheck, a job, and they go home. They also aren't her child, so she is less able to boss them and control them. Still, even they have said she is difficult. But to them, she's a client, not a mother. It's less emotional for them.

I know this is a tough situation to discuss with a parent- that they need to hire someone to help them. My mother actually likes having caregivers around so she is OK with it. I don't live close enough to her to be her caregiver and although I would be willing to help, I would not want to be a caregiver to her. She would be emotionally abusive to me.

I think it comes down to how much you feel you are willing to do and boundaries. I understand the plum story. My mother does this with food and anything else in her house. It's about control. If we offer to take the trash can out, she orders us to put it on the exact spot on the curb that she wants. You don't touch anything in her kitchen without her permission. I have even taken the trash home with me to throw out as sometimes she won't let me put it in her trash can.

[TelHill]

Definitely not too much to read Zachira.  I am craving to hear from people.  This is the first time in my life I have had support outside of my husband.  My friends don't know.  I have no family within 800 miles.  They don't know.  Nobody knows I have a uBPD mom.  Even our adult kids don't know of the BPD.  I don't have words to express my gratitude for the support.  So... not too much for me to read.

I have been wondering about this...whether it gets better or worse once they are departed.  I'm relieved to hear that it got better for you.

My mom is 83.  Her dad lived to 99.  All her sisters except one are older than her, and most are in their 90's.  Longevity is in her genes.  It makes me feel I have a lot of suffering ahead of me still.  What an aweful thing to feel about one's mother, and worse still to put it in print.  It just hurts so much.

My mom has issues with food. She tends not to eat & is too thin. She has a very strong body and bones. No osteoporosis She will outlive me probably.

I went through a long awkward phase - 7 to age 12.  Tallest girl in my class, going from chubby to thin depending on growth spurts, Catholic school ugly uniforms, pixie haircuts I hated. Mom really picked on me and told me to go on a diet. I tried and tried but had no willpower. She did tell me I would look better with whiter teeth. I brushed away some enamel. She was upset about the few pimples I had. Again I did aggressive treatments on my skin causing more problems.

She was upset during my puberty that I was too fat. I wasn’t - just growing into an adult. I underate for days to lose weight. Then I would binge eat. Then I’d over exercise. I sought help for this at this eating disorder in college. It was helpful. I would go back to this in my 20s but it cleared up when I turned 30.

Mom is always weird about everything in the house. Her territory. Inconsistent requests based on impulses. She gets angry when I can’t mind read her latest instructions.

I feel more relieved when I’m away from her so expect when she passes away, it will be the same.

I’m over posting due to a family wedding in a few hours. Don’t want to go. The son of a cousin who asked me for favors (which I did).Never returned the favor when asked. Given vague reasons  she couldn’t.  One day I told her no politely for a favor. She stopped talking to me.

Decided not to put up a fake front at the wedding . I will only smile if I feel like it. Boundaries are great.

Thanks for reading.