What should I do...

[TooMuch123]

Hi all,

I'm so glad to have found this community. I am in need of support and help trying to deal with my boyfriend and his BPD. I feel like I am no longer in control of my own life! I find myself constantly trying to explain my actions. I feel as if I'm a robot being controlled by him. Resentment is setting in and I just want to runaway, but his anger scares me.

Last night was horrible... It all started after I left work we talked on the phone and I explained to him that I was heading to the mall to buy my son a coat and that I would be going alone and not picking up my son to save myself from traveling back and forth. He was fine with it and we talked all the way there (30 minute drive). After I arrived I stayed a little longer with him on the phone since we were having a very good conversation (that doesn't happen much). After we hung up and I went in the mall I received a text message(15-20 minutes)  from him saying "something is wrong. you never go to the mall by yourself. This is not sitting well with me." I again reminded him of why I came to the mall alone. I also picked up the phone and called him but the service is not good in the mall, so we talked briefly. He told me to call him as soon as I got in my car. About 15 minutes later another text saying "are you done yet?" I told him not yet. my heart started beating fast and I was rushing to pay for the coat.I found myself running across the mall to hurry and get in my car to call him (thinking to myself oh goodness he is going to get mad). Well my fears became true. When I got to the car I called him and said I have such a headache I feel like my blood pressure is high and so the cursing started and he started to bring up things from my past. I have to admit I raised my voice in my own defense and that caused the treats to pour out of him and more profanity and crazy accusations. I realized I needed to defuse this and I apologized for raising my voice to him. He continued with his arguing and anger, and threats as in ( you don't know me and how angry I can get! You don't know who your  dealing with!) I told him when he talks like that I take those comments as a treats and I don't like it when he says that and that was followed by I don't care what you like and so on and so on for about 3 hrs. I sometimes put the phone down as not to hear his violent ti-raid.
We do not live together, so we don't see each other Mon - Fri, but I am forced to be with him every Saturday and Sunday all day. This summer I had to decline a bunch of family and friends functions, due to him not wanting me to go anywhere. I feel that someday he will try to keep me from my family and friends. We've been together for 3 yrs and I already want out and he has told me there is no out I am not leaving. I care about him a lot, but I don't think I can handle this the rest of my life. This is just a smidgen of things that have happened. Every night he makes me stay on the phone with him until I start to fall asleep. I desperately want some ME time so I can recuperate and come back stronger to deal with him. I never have time for myself I get out of work and have to call him and he stays on the phone all night.  This is too much.
any advise?

Thanks for reading!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi TooMuch! Welcome!

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. That's a lot to handle. But you've found a safe place full of people who understand and want to help.

Given what you've described, it's no wonder you find yourself worn out.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions. Why are you "forced" to spend weekends with him?

Also, I don't want to alarm you, and I could be off-base, but his behavior sounds very controlling and his anger and threats are concerning to me. Are you safe, physically? Have you ever thought about reaching out to a domestic violence agency? It's not just for people who are physically abused. Last year, my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive and my local DV agency was a HUGE help to me in coming up with a safety plan (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf) and just working through some of my own fears and problems.

I hope you'll follow up and let me know what you think. We're here for you and want to help however we can.

[TooMuch123]

Hi Ozzie101,

In a way I feel forced because I don't want to deal with his anger. for example this weekend I have a Baby Shower to go to and he is still coming over to my house and on Sunday he will be over again. He tells me that the weekends are his time to see me and no one is going to mess with his time. Honestly sometimes I don't want to see him because of the extra efforts I have to put in to keep things peaceful. It is draining and I have never had to deal with anyone with BPD.

I think I am safe, physically because he has never touched me. His words make me feel unsafe because he tells me his anger makes him blackout. He is very controlling! I am so embarrassed to be in a situation like this. I thought I was a stronger person. I have been a single mother of 2 and I put myself through college earning a MS degree and I feel as if I should've known better and I should've caught all those red flags from the beginning.  

Thank you for the information!

Is there a peaceful way out?

[Ozzie101]

Honestly, I don't know if there's a peaceful way out or not. A lot of it depends on your BF and how it's all approached. Given his anger and his controlling nature, I would definitely recommend you talk to a DV specialist. They're very experienced in these situations and, if you choose to leave, they can help you come up with the best, safest possible plan. Do you have access to a DV agency where you are? Did you look at the safety plan link I gave? It's a good place to start, too. Acting on emotion and ending a relationship like this without careful thought and planning may actually be the least peaceful way to do it. We can help but someone local can probably give you the best individual, detailed advice specific to your own needs.

I understand about feeling embarrassed. When I first placed a call to my local DV center, I felt very embarrassed. I, too, thought I was stronger than this. I'm a journalist and had actually written about DV before. You'd think I'd know better. But that's faulty thinking. It really can happen to anyone. The counselor I spoke to was knowledgeable, helpful and really made me feel so much better. She also helped me come up with a safety plan, should I need it. In my case, I'm married and share a house with my pwBPD so our situations are a bit different there.

It's not an easy call to make. But, while it feels embarrassing or like a weakness, sometimes making a call like that is the strongest, bravest thing you can do.