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Author Topic: Tried to break up and now we are back together. I need help.  (Read 418 times)
Loveshouldnthurt

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« on: October 07, 2019, 12:34:23 PM »

My girlfriend has borderline personality disorder. I have put up with a lot. She has stabbed my tires out on my truck, threatened to have me fired from a job, been physically and verbally abusive etc...
I guess I must love her. We have broken up perhaps 30 plus times but always get back together.
I broke up with her on Labor Day weekend.
She took the weekend to have a fling with her neighbor. Unfortunately in addition to having sex with him consentually she was also raped by him in front of her children. She was drunk and cried about the whole thing when we got back together a week later.
She drove drunk with her kids to my house, perhaps due to her post traumatic stress or I don't know. She endangered her kids and it was very scary for them. In addition, she broke into my house un announced, perhaps hoping to catch me cheating on her. Hard to say. I never have cheated on her ever. I scolded her for driving drunk with her kids in the car.

I recommended she get help. She will not get counseling, go to the authorities or anything.
A week after we broke up again and I had had enough. I told her sister who works for Children's Services the whole story.

ANd now, believe it or not she and I are back together. She is supposedly in trouble with the Children's Services, but it is hard to say. She wants to move in with me now. And I am just freaking out. I told her "maybe".
I told her I was going to Seattle last weekend, but really I packed my bags. I want to leave this state and move away and cut off all ties.
Part of me is very scared even though I know it would be best for her and for her kids. Somehow I need to muster the courage to follow through. The default would be for me to move in with her and God knows it will cause me insane amounts of sorrow and frustration. She has hurt me over and over and over. I am so sick of the double standard. She gets to have sex with her neighbor during a breakup but God knows if I had she would never ever accept me back.
It makes me sick.
I need to recover what I have left of my self esteem and move on!!!
Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated.
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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2019, 12:36:47 PM »

My girlfriend has borderline personality disorder. I have put up with a lot. She has stabbed my tires out on my truck, threatened to have me fired from a job, been physically and verbally abusive etc...
I guess I must love her. We have broken up perhaps 30 plus times but always get back together.
I broke up with her on Labor Day weekend.
She took the weekend to have a fling with her neighbor. Unfortunately in addition to having sex with him consentually she was also raped by him in front of her children. She was drunk and cried about the whole thing when we got back together a week later.
She drove drunk with her kids to my house, perhaps due to her post traumatic stress or I don't know. She endangered her kids and it was very scary for them. In addition, she broke into my house un announced, perhaps hoping to catch me cheating on her. Hard to say. I never have cheated on her ever. I scolded her for driving drunk with her kids in the car.

I recommended she get help. She will not get counseling, go to the authorities or anything.
A week after we broke up again and I had had enough. I told her sister who works for Children's Services the whole story.

ANd now, believe it or not she and I are back together. She is supposedly in trouble with the Children's Services, but it is hard to say. She wants to move in with me now. And I am just freaking out. I told her "maybe".
I told her I was going to Seattle last weekend, but really I packed my bags. I want to leave this state and move away and cut off all ties.
Part of me is very scared even though I know it would be best for her and for her kids. Somehow I need to muster the courage to follow through. The default would be for me to move in with her and God knows it will cause me insane amounts of sorrow and frustration. She has hurt me over and over and over. I am so sick of the double standard. She gets to have sex with her neighbor during a breakup but God knows if I had she would never ever accept me back.
It makes me sick.
I need to recover what I have left of my self esteem and move on!!!
Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2019, 01:04:19 PM »

You're dealing with a LOT, Loveshouldhurt. I'm sorry!

It sounds like your relationship is a real roller coaster and I can certainly understand the desire to leave and find a sense of calm. We can't and won't tell you to stay or to go, but we can help walk with you on whichever path you want to take. What is it, do you think, that keeps you riding the ride?
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2019, 06:13:22 PM »

Dear Loveshouldnthurt-

Welcome to our community.  I’m so sorry that you’re going through this pain, confusion and sadness.  And you are absolutely correct, love shouldn’t hurt - NOT like this.

As Ozzie stated, we don’t tell tell members whether to stay or leave; but we do support each other and provide tools to help you understand things more clearly when you may be drowning in a sea of emotions. 

I encourage you to begin by looking at the Library: Tools & Workshops.  Scroll down to Section 5.09 - FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and please read that section.  This may be a real eye opener for you.  If this strikes a chord with you, you’ll be amongst good company.  Many of our members feel a great deal of FOG when they first arrive here.

Please stick around, continue posting, read other posts and begin interacting with other members.  I believe you’ll feel less alone in this “fight”, and perhaps you can catch your breath.

Things CAN get better, healthier, no matter which path you opt to take.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Harri
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« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2019, 10:17:19 PM »

Hi and welcome to the board!

That is a lot to be dealing with. 

What happened that you got back together with her?   Do you want to stay in a relationship with her and try to work things out?  I ask because it is not clear from your post.  No judgement here, I am just unsure of how to advise you at this point.

I do know that your safety is important and the violence will need to be addressed first if you do stay together.  How long have you been with her (total time)? 

At this point can you slow things down a bit until you can get a handle on what you want to do?  By that I mean, do not have her move in with you.  That is ultimately your decision of course.  I think it would be wise to hold off rather than add an additional complication at this point.

How have you handled things when she gets abusive, both physically and verbally? 

Like I said, there is a lot going on here in your relationship so it may take some time to untangle things and help you decide on a direction to take.  We can definitely help you with that though.  You are not alone.
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« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2019, 10:32:28 PM »

Do you feel that you are safe? Do you know the deal with Chold Services? What exactly prompted you to tell her sister?
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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2019, 01:22:12 PM »

I do not know the deal with CHild Services. I think she just lied to get me off her back and to sort of say "ok, you got me back for having sex with my neighbor! Now we are even" but really there were no repercussions and she is back to her bad habits.
Sometimes I feel safe. I just know there's an imminent blow up coming down the pipeline. She is pressuring me to move in with her, buy a bed with her and further enmesh. I need to make a break in order to not feel anymore pain. She keeps hurting me. This is not a fair relationship. SHe told me if I had slept with someone during one of our "off" periods she would break up with me for good. But yet, here I am, still in the relationship with her even though she slept with her neighbor. It is not a reciprical relationship. I give love, care and support unconditionally. Her "love" is really a form of control and at most its a little girl strong like not really love in the mature sense. If I don't do what she wants she hates me. I am scared. But I feel its time for me to run and never look back. She is dangerous. I believe she would do anything to keep us together and keep up the unequal relationship. She wants to control with sex, and guilt trips and lovebombing and etc...I have my bags packed.
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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2019, 01:26:31 PM »

Hi and welcome to the board!

That is a lot to be dealing with. 

What happened that you got back together with her?   Do you want to stay in a relationship with her and try to work things out?  I ask because it is not clear from your post.  No judgement here, I am just unsure of how to advise you at this point.

I do know that your safety is important and the violence will need to be addressed first if you do stay together.  How long have you been with her (total time)? 

At this point can you slow things down a bit until you can get a handle on what you want to do?  By that I mean, do not have her move in with you.  That is ultimately your decision of course.  I think it would be wise to hold off rather than add an additional complication at this point.

How have you handled things when she gets abusive, both physically and verbally? 

Like I said, there is a lot going on here in your relationship so it may take some time to untangle things and help you decide on a direction to take.  We can definitely help you with that though.  You are not alone.
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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2019, 01:33:23 PM »

I have been with her off and on for over three years. She is a kind person, as long as things go her way. I am sort of addicted to her in an unhealthy codependent kind of way I think . She abuses and the trend is, I take it and stay with her despite her bad behavior



At this point can you slow things down a bit until you can get a handle on what you want to do?  By that I mean, do not have her move in with you.  That is ultimately your decision of course.  I think it would be wise to hold off rather than add an additional complication at this point.

Yes. I think slowing things down is a good idea. She is playing out her parents leaving her over and over (the abandonment). We have broken up and gotten back together (sometimes my idea, sometimes hers) perhaps 35 times. Last time I broke it off. She was being physically violent and verbally abusive to me in front of her kids. She has no control over her anger when she is mad at me. She was mad because I had hung out with friends the day before. SHe said "you are acting like you are single!" She has zero tolerance of being alone. She drinks to numb out from the fear of abandonement that she is well aware of. She says "My greatest fear is that you will follow your dreams of music and leave me!". I told her "THat could be a self-fufilling prophecy". I really feel like doing that. I have my bags packed and may be heading out of state soon.

When she gets physically and verbally abusive I try to remove myself if possible. If not I wait until she is calm and address the issue in a calm way (especially if the kids, which are both hers, are around).
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #9 on: October 09, 2019, 01:35:27 PM »

You say your bags are packed. Do you have a plan and a place to go?
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2019, 01:55:12 PM »

Dear Loveshouldnthurt-

I’m really glad you’ve come back to the board.  Please try to stay with us.  I know this is very very difficult.

I was married to an abusive husband for 19 years and twisted myself inside out trying to keep him happy and live up to his changing and extreme demands.  My marriage ended the night he threw me across the room.

It was so HARD for me to admit I had been in an abusive relationship.  Until he physically assaulted me.

My friend, you’re using some very telling words in describing your pain.  You’re “scared”.  She’s “dangerous”.  Her “love is a form of control”.  The relationship is not reciprocal and is unequal.  Your bags are packed.  She is “pressuring” you.  You need to make a break in order not to “feel pain anymore”.  

ALL of these phrases are clearly from your heart, your soul, your “Wisemind”, as we say here.  And as much as we don’t give “run” messages on the “Improving” board... listen to your words.

As Harri has written, perhaps you push the PAUSE button at the very least.  Think of YOURSELF.  Now.  Can you take some space to think?  I believe you need and deserve that.  You are ALLOWED to do that for yourself.

Most “mature” adults know that Sex does not equal Love.  If you can “disconnect” the idea of sex = love and the “control” of that.  It seems You recognize where she wants to take control.  You can take it back.  Quietly and without making a scene.

Can you answer some of the questions that Harri has asked?  If you can provide some details around how long you’ve been together, etc., that can help us a bit.

Have you ever been to therapy?  If you haven’t and cannot afford that right now, don’t worry.  We can work through a lot of stuff here.  So many of us have been through what you’re facing and we want to support you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Did you have a chance to read about FOG?
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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #11 on: October 14, 2019, 01:01:05 PM »

Sure.
Thanks so much for your kind advice and insight.
She and I have tried living together but unfortunately it never works!
We have separate places now, although she is pressuring me to move in with her!(she is literally practically forcing me to go see a place with her today! I am sooo nervous because last time we did this I  declined to purchase a house with her and she had a MAJOR bpd episode!)
She kicked me out of her place last week. I really dont see how living together will work for us.
I think in total we have lived perhaps one year in the same apartment. I either left or was kicked out about a dozen times during that one year.
I have blocked her from Facebook due to her abuse of me on the platform. She tries to kill herself at least a few times a year.

Yes the sex is good, but she drinks too much and frequently calls in sick to work and asks me to take the kids to school etc.

What ever boost in ego I get from being the "with it" parent gets demolished with her constantly telling me how old I am. She has had nu erous sex partners during our three and a half years "together"
She is always on the verge of some kind of disaster it seems (frequent hospital visits, accidents, sick kids who need hospitalizahospitalizations etc...)
She has poor self esteem and has gained perhaps forty pounds since we have been dating.
She swears at her kids and has poured hot sauce down her daughters throat (I wasnt there when it happened, not was I dating her, this is something she said she did before I knew her).
I have called Childrens Services on her for driving drunk with her kids in the car.
She still has custody.

I wanted to help her when I met her.I realize her problems go very deep and I dont think I am helping at all. I am enabling in the text book way.
I am also a trigger for her BPD episodes.
If I really want the best for her and her kids I believe I should go away and hopefully she will one day get help.
I just want her to know about BPD (as A closing remark as I leave once and for all) and am afraid to tell her ...truly all we have been is "on and off" for three and a half years...destroying our friends and family's faith in us as good people...her family hates me...and mine despises her...we are truly in a toxic situation that only seems to be getting worse....I am ready to leave her...I just am working up the nerve to do so.....I have savings and like I said my bags are packed...I will leave state...to keep me from crawling back to her and to keep her from following me....I have been trying to leave her for good for years!!(I did leave her once for three months but she followed me to my new town and then ofcourse "I missed her")

Any advice is greatly appreciated
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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2019, 01:59:37 PM »

Dear Loveshouldnthurt-

I understand how difficult this is... the staying, the leaving, and how destructive and toxic this feels.  Because it IS.  Your deep desire to “fix” and “heal” her.  That won’t work.  And that deep desire rests in the souls of all of us in these relationships.  I’m sorry.

Did you have the chance to read about FOG ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  Please do read that to obtain clarity around what may be holding your feet in place.

In these relationships, nothing changes until something changes.  And that change HAS to come from you.  Whether you stay or leave.  She is NOT going to change.  Her behavior has worked for her so far.  All she’s done has worked.  She’s destructive, you come back.  No matter what.  You see?

So you’ve got to change.  Your words, how you think or process things, how you view yourself, how you react / respond...

What happened in my situation is that I was FORCED to take a hard look at myself.  A really hard look, to understand MY role in this thing.  The end of my 19-year marriage wasn’t enough to make me do that; but the pain of my BPD relationship and sheer VOLUME and cruelty of his rages and other behavior (and why I kept coming back)  DID make me look at what was WRONG with me.  My wounds... I FINALLY understand myself.  I’ve made huge changes and my uBPDbf has responded very positively to those changes.  And I am no longer afraid of him.  Because I can live with him or without him.  In my mind, adult love is NOT unconditional.  I may feel differently from others.

My friend, things are so much better.  So much better.  But in my situation, he was always faithful.  Loyalty is EVERYTHING to him.

The key in this thing is YOU.  Not HER.  As soon as you begin to understand that, something will likely begin to change in you.  And perhaps your relationship (if she’s interested).  Or... you may decide her behavior is simply unacceptable and too damaging and you want to be gone.

Where is the father of those poor innocent children?  They are the victims... and sadly, you cannot “save” them.  But you can report true abuse as you see it.

There are communication tools you can use to improve things.  And the implementation of boundaries that reflect your values can be discussed.  BUT... in your case, I truly believe YOU, your underlying feelings and wounds need to be looked at first.

The saying... “don’t set yourself on fire to keep another person warm” is a good one.  She cannot force you to move in with her.  And from what you’re saying, moving in today DOES sound as if you would be setting yourself on fire.  You would be burning your life down.

I know I’ve been rather harsh toward her treatment of her children.  I’ve not a ton of sympathy when children are being abused and placed in dangerous situations.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2019, 07:37:12 PM »

I really appreciate your thoughts and insights.
My on and off gf is very emotionally immature.
She uses fear, obligation and guilt a lot.No one is making me stay with her...most of my friends are scratching their heads thinking..."What is wrong with you man?" I feel like by letting her have sex with another guy while we were on a break AND coming back to her I have taught her ANYTHING GOES!
"I will always take you back no matter how abusive you are to your kids to yourself and to me!"

The dad sees the kids once in a great while and has zero custody.
He is really not much of a dad to the kids

I love her kids and put them to bed most nights (something the mom is too busy to do...or it seems).
I will not set my self on fire to make a fire for her.
She is a grown up.
The kids have other more stable family members they could stay with.
Honestly I am just trying to get up the nerve to leave her.
I really know now that she will never change until she gets help...but this person is VERY stubborn and it would take a lot for her to seek help.
I miss taking care of my needs.
I miss my friends and family.
I miss being alone.

I really will be sad when it's over but this whole toxic thing needs to end and I need to stop being the caretaker of others that refuse to take responsibility for their thoughts feelings and actions.

It is truly unequal.

I deserve more than this.
How many more " I am sorry"s will it take??

Thanks for listening...I am open to suggestions.
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« Reply #14 on: October 15, 2019, 09:26:04 PM »

Hey Loveshouldnthurt-

These relationships and the dysfunction can truly be exhausting and soul-stealing.

Please tell me - you say you miss your family and friends.  Is this because you’re living in a different location than them or because your BPDgf isolates you from those you love?

In order to sustain a relationship with a partner with BPD, one of the primary things we recommend is self-care.  That’s imperative and includes eating right, sleep, exercise, time for hobbies (music/ my art), loved ones and really crucial for me, some solitude.  I thank GOD that my uBPDbf loves to take naps and actually likes to relax; but he does keep me hopping sometimes.  I still have work to do around this.

It sounds as if you’re not “permitted” to engage in self-care.  I’ll hazard a guess that any attempts to have your needs met result in brutal accusations against you of selfishness and the like. 

You’ve said something very key.  There are other, safer alternatives for her children.  Her family KNOWS what she’s like.  They’re not acting because for now, you’re likely considered the safety net.  If you leave, they’ll step in if needed.  And chances are, the bio dad HAD to “escape” for his sanity.  He likely did NOT want to leave his children but believed he had no choice. 

If you read other posts here from parents (mom’s and dad’s), you’ll see the excruciating decisions that are made after both planned and unexpected children.  It’s heartbreaking.

You have no control over what she does or doesn’t do to improve her mental health or her harmful behavior and its impact on those in her orbit.  It’s not really stubbornness, it’s fear.  And yes... the empty “sorry’s” will keep coming, only to be followed by the same painful behavior over and over.  It’s anyone’s guess whether she’ll EVER have her “AHA” moment.  Everyone else has the “problems”.  That’s blame shifting.  Her projecting and failure to ever accept responsibility for anything. 

I did at one time issue an ultimatum to my uBPDbf.  I told him that if he did NOT see a therapist for his RAGE issue, he could leave my home for the last time.  This was before I stumbled upon BPD... and he went to a T for several months.

My friend, you speak about “getting up the nerve to leave her”.  Just because you go doesn’t mean you cannot return at some later date.

Perhaps you give yourself the chance to work on some things.  In a different city.  Maybe with a therapist, or spend solid time with the support of close friends and family.  I understand that you cannot disclose ahead of time that you’re leaving, or where you’re going.  It feels like you need some time to gather your thoughts.  You can even coin it as a visit to see your people if you feel you MUST say something.  What do you think?

BUT... if you’re unsure about returning, then you quietly exit and take all your things.

But you do this ONE thing for yourself.  At least to start with.  You turn off the tracker on your phone (from her at least); and you drop a nice note that you’ve got some issues you need to work on for yourself.  Some old wounds you’ve held onto.  You do not disclose where you are.  You give yourself some space.  And if needed, you give her family a heads up that you’ve got to leave, but no other information.  They need to remain “innocent”.

Love-  so many of us are IN these relationships because there is a wounded spot in us that really does need our attention.  There was a time, not long ago, when my anger around things that had happened raged to my surface.  I exploded in response to my uBPDbf’s RAGE, for the first time in over 5 years.  He had NEVER seen me yell and I held nothing back.  I was MEAN and I sent him away.

When he apologized and tried to reunite, I didn’t allow it.  I told him I had some anger to resolve.  And it was true.  But it was anger at my exH (19-year abusive marriage), not my BF.  I did and continue to do a LOT of work on myself.  Our relationship is now pretty darn good.  He’s still disordered, but he has responded in an amazing way to the positive changes in me.

It’s so vital that you not live in fear.  I believe so many people get stuck in that place.  Just paralyzed.  And nothing changes until something changes.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes


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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #15 on: October 25, 2019, 06:00:41 PM »

My biggest problem Infear is letting go
I have scheduled an counseling session after the weekend. I want my bpd gf to get the help she needs.
She is very intelligent. I want sooo badly to reveal to her that she has a correctable BPD diagnosis. Tools like DBT could really help!!
BUt Alas...she has to want it!
And I dont know how she will arrive at that point..how many more suicide attempts will it take??
How many more abusive men will. she let in to her life?
How many more men like me will she abuse and take for granted.
I fear I have taught her that she can walk all over me and I will continue to take her back...she can have sex with her neighbor ...and I am ok with that (not really.. but I have taken her back no matter her destructive and unbalanced actions )

What do I really need to do??
I dont know...but perhaps a little self honestly and time could help...a move might just help me break my bad habit of taking her back...after she breaks up with me...over and over...I need to value myself!!
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« Reply #16 on: October 26, 2019, 08:15:33 AM »

I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, and I’m glad you’ve  scheduled an appointment with a T.   Please be brutally honest.

The only person we can control is ourself... not our partner.  Not in any way, shape or form.

Please let us know how you’re doing; and don’t give up on yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #17 on: November 06, 2019, 05:57:45 PM »

I bit the bullet and told my BPD partner that I was tired of the manipulation and controlling way.
She has been goin through a lot with her nephew having died of suicide. But I had plans and when she wanted me to get together with her family I couldnt do it. She threatened to break up with me I told her fine!!
I cut her off my email and fb (I actually did this years ago due to her cyberbullying me) and phone.
She climbed into my apartment late on Saturday night and attacked me. I have a black eye and a broken jaw.It was very hard to get her out!
After I called 911 she ran!
I have only spoken with her briefly since.
I told her she needs to get help and to stop calling me..stop texting me and never to come over again! She is lucky I dont press charges!
I am really done this time.
She says "I love you" but I told her that she doesnt know what love is and that she doesnt even love herself. I told her ...that she has BPD! She just laughed.."I dont have that!"

I have a good group of friends who are supportive.
I need to remain strong and not call or text her...I havent got a restraining order yet..but I should!!
Just asking for any advice or thoughts on how I handled this VERY dangerous situation.

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« Reply #18 on: November 06, 2019, 10:09:27 PM »

 She battered you, and it sounds serious. What did the cops say, the hospital?
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« Reply #19 on: November 07, 2019, 02:28:33 AM »

I never followed up with the cops.
I am torn because I know I should file a restraining order. Even though it's pretty much true BPD do not warn the restraining order.
I just dont want to exacerbate an already bad situation
The cops took down her name ..my name and my apt #
She called from an unknown number the day after..I picked up and ofcourse she wanted to apologize...I went off on her about how she doesnt know how to love and that she doesnt keep boundaries and how she is lucky she isnt in jail. I should press charges .
. I may still.
I am in pain..my jaw is perhaps broken.
And she needs help..I told her as much.
I am mad at her for being so crazy...and also at me for dating her. She needs to get help...for her black and white thinking and splitting...I never want to be in such a controlling situation again
.my blood pressure will only get better now that I am single...she caused me soooo much stress!!!

Sex was good...but not worth the headache and heartache!!
Seriously I need to pay attention to red flags!
Controlling and manipulative does not even begin to explain her!! She is pure evil!!
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« Reply #20 on: November 07, 2019, 06:09:17 AM »

I’m pretty floored to hear that this escalated to the point that she broke into your apartment and attacked you.  But I’m even more floored, and frankly really worried that you don’t seem to be taking this attack seriously.

Please understand that by NOT filing a police report, NOT filing a restraining order, NOT going to the hospital to check out the extent of your injuries and engaging in conversations with her ... you’re basically letting her know that what she’s done wasn’t “that bad” in the scheme of things.

My friend, you’re way past the point of “red flags” here.  Red flags are “signals” that danger may lie ahead.  You’re neck-deep IN it (danger) and perhaps may benefit from a call to a domestic violence hotline.  It could be helpful to obtain a reality check.  I am so sorry to say this, and this is NOT uncommon for men at all; but I feel you’re experiencing some denial of the extent of the physical abuse you’ve endured.  Please don’t minimize what you’ve been through.

Did you call your therapist?

I feel You’re doing yourself AND her no favors by letting this violence slide.

And the words you say on the phone... she’s absorbing NONE of that.

So Please Loveshouldnthurt, please take steps to help yourself and ensure your safety.  Can you see that she crossed a dangerous line here?  And This was likely NOT a one-off.  This time she intruded without a weapon. Next time she may not be so polite.

You stated numerous times previously that your bags were packed.   What are your plans?

I’m sorry, I know I sound harsh, but please... you’re “mad” at her for being crazy?  How will that stop her from injuring you MORE seriously?  And no, the suicide of her nephew is NO EXCUSE.

I was a victim of domestic violence.  I would NEVER  have thought he’d lay a hand on me...  My exH was arrested for felony domestic assault, and some of the absolute WORST mistakes of my life were NOT pressing charges, NOT filing the RO and NOT seeking immediate help through the DV resources made available to me.  I was too concerned about HIS reputation.  I did myself no favors and paid dearly... for years.

People who are prone to do these things,  continue to do what they can get away with.  Over and over and over.

Now you know.  But are you truly AWARE of this?

Warmly,

Gems



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Loveshouldnthurt

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« Reply #21 on: November 08, 2019, 12:32:11 PM »

Ok. So I am walking down and filing a restraining order right now.
I am a bit nervous. Like a lot of abuse vistims....Stockholm syndrome has taken hold...I still love her...and now I am ready to let her feep the full brunt of her assault.
I have called the police...but apparently they take a while to get back to me.
As I do this I release the outcome TO God.
It is really between her and God now to make things right.
I have mailed her key back with no letter or note.
I have made plans to get checked out by a doc too!
I am doin all this with her kids best interest and MY best interest in mind
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« Reply #22 on: November 08, 2019, 02:55:18 PM »

Dear LSH-

I’m glad you’re taking some positive steps for yourself.  Please understand that these are steps for you, not against her.

Is there a friend you can stay with for a period of time, that is if you’re choosing to stay in the same city as her?

Also, perhaps you go to the police station rather than waiting for them to contact you.  Take active steps to protect yourself... be your own advocate against this violence.

I understand that you still hold love for her.  The feeling of “love” does not disappear immediately, even in the face of very destructive and cruel behavior.  You’ve been programmed to forgive some pretty unforgivable behavior over a period of years.  So having a true change in your feelings will take time.  Please be patient with yourself.  You deserve that patience - the same, actually MORE than you show for other people in your life.  This is YOU we’re talking about.

Now is not the time to blame yourself with any “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s”, so please go easy on yourself.

Have you called your T?  Perhaps now is the time to request an emergency session.  You’re in a vulnerable state, my friend.  And again, calling a DV hotline can also be of help.

Please keep posting.  We’re Here to help.  I know this is a very confusing and painful time.

Finally, please use care to keep yourself OFF social media.  Just because she’s not connected to you on FB doesn’t mean she cannot see certain things.  SAFETY at all costs.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Turkish
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« Reply #23 on: November 08, 2019, 09:44:58 PM »

Loveshouldnthurt,

How are things?
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« Reply #24 on: November 08, 2019, 09:51:35 PM »

Talked to my T.
I am feeling all.mixed up in side...it is soooooooo perverse that I love her still!! I need some self compassion. But also..like ya said a reality check.
I have spoken with Domestic Abuse hotline...and it did help some...they didnt seem to recommend filing a restraining order...they just seemed to say "It depends on what you want!!"

I am packed up and ready to move...I had a weak moment and asked her if I should drop off my  copy of her key and am presently beating myself up for texting the perp at all!! She texted back "!Just mail it!"

And so the abuse continues...I am ready to move to another place far away and be around my family..who really loves me and "gets me!"
I am in pain from her punch and in pain from the heart ache all at once..my eye looks a little better but not much...my jaw seems to be ok...I am about to leave and I am getting the heebeejeebees hoping that THIS time I have the strength to really leave thisparasite!! As I get on the plane I believe I will be thanking God IN heaven!!
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« Reply #25 on: November 08, 2019, 10:11:42 PM »

Since you've mentioned God, I'm assuming a Christian world-wide, yes? Without going down a rabbit hole into a discussion of Theodicy, where is your fault in missing the mark? If you choose to turn the other cheek, which it seems you are, that doesn't mean that you need to keep doing so while remaining where you are. Removing yourself from an unsafe place is prudent. Do you have a safety plan? This might help:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

That you are in love with her so much no one here should judge you as that being perverse. A lot of us have been where you are and we are with you in spirit  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Consider coming up with a safety plan though, as a first, necessary step. Can you read that link and think about it?
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« Reply #26 on: November 09, 2019, 05:31:17 AM »

Dear LSH-

Feeling mixed up is okay.  That’s probably an understatement for the wave of emotions you’re feeling.  I felt mixed up too, as my exH was loaded into the police car and I was sitting at the kitchen table with the other officer, bruised and crying uncontrollably... begging them NOT to take my husband.  Go figure.

I didn’t anticipate what would ensue over the next 8 months once I refused to press charges and declined all assistance that was offered to me.  I didn’t know about personality disorders or The cruelty my exH was capable of delivering.  In his eyes and behaviors, he became “invincible” when there were no repercussions for his violence.  And I had been with him for 19 years.  I had “only” been emotionally abused (and have just recently been able to acknowledge that hard fact).  I carried so much shame and boatloads of “if only’s”.  I am dark-headed writing this.

You’ve said in recent posts that your bags were already packed.  Does this mean you can quickly board a plane and get yourself safely to your loving family?  I hope so.  I’m praying you don’t actually need a safety plan.

However, If there’s any chance of the slightest delay in your departure, please follow the good advice Turkish gives and follow the link to SAFETY FIRST.  And please consider staying with a friend this weekend until you CAN leave.

I’m glad you’ve made contact with the DV folks and your T.  If you need to, call each of those support resources again.

My friend, it’s natural to feel very conflicted.  And yes, compassion for yourself is vital.  You deserve compassion.  These relationships are extremely complex and difficult to understand.  Your continued feelings of love are not perverse, though I understand they are confusing.  As some time passes, you’ll gain clarity.  Right now though, allow yourself to feel those feelings, but TRY to keep your focus on bringing yourself to a SAFE place.  Go home.

Because you ARE so vulnerable right now, I do encourage you to try and NOT contact your BPDgf, until you are physically distant and safe.  Obviously the best way to begin detaching is to maintain NC (no contact) even after you leave.  We can process that later. 

If she’s connected to your phone via tracking, please be sure she is disconnected from that.

Have you visited the police station or made a decision about the Restraining Order?  Sometimes we need to file documents to grant OURSELVES accountability TO ourselves.

LSH - I am so very sorry.  You WILL get through this. 

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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