We felt they were our soul mate...but why?

[ColdKnight]

Many here, including I, have felt and stated that our BPD was our soul mate. Why? Why did we feel that way? I’ve only ever felt that way about one woman and that was her.

What was so special about her? So she love bombed me. Lots of women have done that and made me feel special. So what.

She let me feel like I could be myself. I’ve been with plenty of women that I was myself around them. She wasn’t that different in that respect.

She mirrored me. This one are really don’t know if I agree with. I am not someone I would be attracted to. I am a social butterfly, comfortable in any social situation. She is shy and demure. She did not mirror me and I did not fall in love with myself. Did we have similar interests? Yes...but so what.  I’ve had similar interests with other women.

I was hooked within the first minute of conversation, actually the first time I saw her.

In don’t think it’s as simple as many out there preach.

So what is it...what was /is it for you...

Listening to:

And Through the Wire, Peter Gabriel

[gizmocasci]

i can only relate from my own experience.

i think we really have to dive into out past to figure out that answer. why did we get so attached to this person? were we trying to fix the unfixable? what were they providing to us, that honestly, we could've given to ourself? why couldn't we have let go sooner?

she had me hooked early on. it was if i met my own twin, but if i were to be honest there were a few hiccups from the beginning. she had a young child, which i knew was going to be difficult. i'm a very spontaneous being, i like to pack up and go, something i knew she would have a tough time doing. i also had intuitive hits early not to allow myself to get too involved, but everything just felt too real.

i had written down a list of qualities that i was looking for in someone a year prior, and she fit almost all of them. the only problem was, that list didn't have many interior qualities. i've now revised that list!

as i write this in my bed this morning, i look over to my left and i can still see her face. i can also hear her words.

line my 3 exes up, (she was the shortest relationship of my 3) and she'd be the one i run too first in a time of need.

was she my soul mate? i really don't know what to believe anymore. part of me wants to say yes. she taught me the value of boundaries. she taught me how to stick up for myself. she showed me what i didn't want in a future realtionship. she taught me when to run. she taught me not to reveal too much, too quickly.

i still love the girl immensely, and i won't be ashamed to say that, however to continue what had been going on any longer, and it would've been a slow/painful death of the self.

hang in there, you're not alone in your feelings or your thoughts.

r  

[itsmeSnap]

1) We idealized, perfectly normal. I didn't really know her flaws yet, she was really attractive to me, and she liked me back. It really was a match.

2) soulmate material?
of course I felt "the connection".

In my case it was not a love-bomb, she actually was impressed with me, she often mentioned that "she wasn't chatty and girly" like she was with me.

I was to her what she was for me: an Ideal partner with a fatal flaw.

Also, she knew how to "push people's buttons" both good and bad.

Malicious? About as much as McDonald's tweaking their special sauce: they're not out to make you fat, they want you to keep coming back, they dont care if its "healthy" or not.

3) I kept coming back after each "breakup". Why? I thought I could handle it.

Except there was always something I didn't know how to respond to. You'd think I'd learn my lesson and stay away, but I'm overconfident about my abilities, so I kept (keep?) trying 

Now flip the question right back: what was so special about you that she felt hooked just like you did? Would you rather believe her reaction to you was "the BPD"?

[Pytagoras]

I can only relate to my own experience.

I never felt my exBPDgf was my soul mate, however, sometimes, i fantasized about that. We both had a photo when we had 2y old, in wich we had the same clothing, the same toys, everything equal. We used to say that it was a proof of our eternal bond.

I already knew BPD. I do not practice, but i studied Clinical Psychology in University. I have a Masters degree. I also have dated other BPD before and read a lot about it. To aggravate my case, i knew and was friend of my ex- for 4 or 5y prior, and we've dated before (when we met, 5y before we became gf and bf). I know, i know, shame on me. But she is so seductive, that she convinced me that she was different now. And none of my previous exBPDgfs were like this. This was a much more intense and disordered person, and also much more skilled in the seductive tatics.

Altough i knew the disorder, my knowledge is so much better now. Nevertheless, I knew something was wrong, and i was alert for as long as the r/s endured. So, it was hard to me to think we were soul mates. But the trauma bonding, associated to the love bombing / idealization stage, is so intense, that it really make us fantasize about "soul mates" and that kind of stuff. I think it's all about our emotions. Due to the intensity and drama of this kind of relationships, we get addicted to them, and the emotions run so high, that is easy for us to confuse things and believe that is love.

Today, altough i think we care a lot about them, we don't really love them. It's neediness, attachment. We don't even love ourselves, how can we love someone else? And in the same sense, i think that they perceive their emotional bond in which they feel they need us as love. But of course, it´s not love either. Love it's just the name they attribute to their strong emotions.

I think that, as time passes, you will become more lucid and clearly understand what really went on. I think you already do that, but in our process of recovery, we have much relapses, and in those relapses, emotions runs high again, and we are into the FOG again.

I think you are doing pretty well, and must continue your path.

I, myself, manage to get to 3 weeks NC today, so i can relate much to what you are going through.

Stay strong.

[gizmocasci]

3) I kept coming back after each "breakup". Why? I thought I could handle it.

Except there was always something I didn't know how to respond to. You'd think I'd learn my lesson and stay away, but I'm overconfident about my abilities, so I kept (keep?) trying 

i was in the same mindset. everytime i went back i thought i was strong enough to handle the situation, but each time i'd allow her to cut me down even more. eventually i had enough, and walked away. one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

best of luck to you

r

[pest947]

i was in the same mindset. everytime i went back i thought i was strong enough to handle the situation, but each time i'd allow her to cut me down even more. eventually i had enough, and walked away. one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

best of luck to you

r

Same Here, I thought knowing what I was up against and using some tools learned here like Acknowledge feelings and SET statements. It was never enough.There would always be something wrong and she would go around telling everyone one around her how bad or irritating I was...like Bad...I know I'm not perfect and I have my quirks like anyone else but I found she would go on and on about how incompetent I was at this or didn't do that right. If what she said and thought of me were true I'd be lucky to hold any kind of job or do anything right. Yet Ive had a long successful career in IT Networking, purchased homes, can wipe my own ass...Etc... Frankly why would she have even wanted to come back those times if she really thought all that were true. She even acknowledged it when she would "snap out of it" but once she started to paint me black for whatever minor reason there was(We never had a major "altercation" or fight. She did leave me with the bill for the home we were to be married in though which no I'm facing foreclosure for. There's that, still never made her feel guilty about it. Anyway back to the point, even with tools and thinking I was strong enough she would always project her stress on me and paint me black once whatever minor thing would get in her mine. Its always the kind of things healthy couples or even friends would just talk about rather than make a big issue of nothing and steamroll into "Paint it black"

[lucidone]

I too felt like my ex with bpd tendencies is/was my soul mate, or whatever special connection you want to call it.  She had many of the qualities that I thought were ideal. Tall, in shape, intelligent, introverted, etc.  We both had an unhappy upbringing and have a bit of social anxiety.  I felt that we were both similar and different in the important ways.  We loved spending time with each other.  Its kind of ironic because at first I wasn't interested in pursuing a long term relationship with her but her ultimatum eventually lured me in.

Looking back at it I can see that she tried extra hard to get me to like her.  She would agree with what I said, talk about what I wanted to talk about, and like the things that I liked.  This made it seem that we had more of a connection than we actually did.  Then the idealization phases happened and it seemed like bliss.  I was so attracted to her and we seemed so in tune with each other.  It just felt like a special connection, and its been so hard to let it go.

[pest947]

That is tough, it was much the same for me. When I first met her I was much more interested in another gal I was talking to, but her personality(AT THE TIME)won me over. It felt like such a special connection. In the case of mine, she does have remorse and regret but it's after one of her big for whatever I can figure mental meltdowns and seems to see things again. There is a glimpse of that connection again when she is in a "relaxed/normal" state of mind...However it never lasts, her emotions, her BPD take over and that connection and everything behind it gets smashed into pieces again. I dont believe it is on-purpose in "mines" case, but she can not control it when she gets stressed and I get painted black again...I guess that is BPD and what kills those of us with attachment issues like some of you as well as myself.

[Plucky1980]

I can only echo the sentiments expressed here.

I thought she was my soulmate too, she didn't necessarily mirror me, but she did idealise me, I can definitely see that. Saying she adored me and that I was everything she wanted in a partner. Her flaws, as I've iterated in previous posts, didn't start to become clear until I'd really fallen hard for her. And I didn't see them until it was too late. Then nothing anyone said to me (and I was told not to go back by A LOT of people) could make me think that no, it's okay, this time it'll be different. For this reason, I kept crawling back, practically begging for another chance. Lowering my value as a person and subconsciously telling her that yes, it's okay for you to treat me like excrement, because I'll just keep coming back.

The time she discarded me (4th time in a year) in January taught me a hard lesson.

And emotionally, mentally, physically, I'm paying for that mistake. Such a costly error, not having the strength to have stayed away, that first time she discarded me early in the relationship.

[gizmocasci]

And emotionally, mentally, physically, I'm paying for that mistake. Such a costly error, not having the strength to have stayed away, that first time she discarded me early in the relationship.

don't shame yourself for not staying away, i was in the same boat. i had 3 or 4 times to severe the tie. i kept going back though, hoping she'd turn back into the girl i had met. odd thing is, she kept getting worse, the cycles began speeding up. it took a lot of help from my therapist and friends to walk away. i didn't want to let go, of something that i thought was so good. i wrote about her physical qualities, i manifested it. what i failed to write out were internal qualities.

don't look at this as a mistake, find the gift in it. mine? that i finally stood up for myself, that i finally had my back, that i finally flipped the script on never walking away.

best of luck

r

[BrokenSpokane]

You pose the question that I'm going to be tackling today. My therapist gave me an assignment last week. What are the similarities between the relationship I had with T (my exBPD) and my mother. Basically, my mother was abusive. She knows this and so she wants me to examine those two relationships and see the similarities.

So, I'm glad I read this. I'm going to be writing on that this morning.

Maybe there's something there for you as well?

[gizmocasci]

You pose the question that I'm going to be tackling today. My therapist gave me an assignment last week. What are the similarities between the relationship I had with T (my exBPD) and my mother. Basically, my mother was abusive. She knows this and so she wants me to examine those two relationships and see the similarities.

So, I'm glad I read this. I'm going to be writing on that this morning.

Maybe there's something there for you as well?

spot on! i aways told my therpapist my partner was like my mom, but on steroids. so many of the same characteristics. from what i've learned, we tend to partner up with people that have the same attributes as our parents, hoping for a different outcome.

deep work, but once you become aware of patterns, it's then on you to change them.

r

[Cromwell]

In the idealisation stage at the start of the relationship, what became "soul mate" material was the feeling of being considered "faultless". In the sense that this unique special feeling of what came across as close as I could rationalise at the time as unconditional love. There was no crititique, put downs, stuff I felt insecure about was converted into positives. This was the extreme polarity of those emotions and why it became "soul-matey" although it is not the term that I thought about back then.

It was nice whilst it lasted, 3 months in, but even after the first noticeable splitting devaluation, what led me back each time was this "reboot" of the same. It was difficult to break out of because, as much as I believe today, it is likely genuine and not manipulated. Crucially though, part of the pathology of which I had no idea of.

If I go down the route of declaring her as the soul mate, the end result is she was a soul mate without longevity.

Moving on from this is putting a dampener on what was a highly emotionally charged relationship rooted in illness. A "soul mate" dropping from the sky seemingly out of nowhere into my life - too good to be true - the stuff for romance novels, I was open for that sort of narrative when it happened, emotionally vulnerable, receptive to that sort of fantasy. More grounded today, healthier, happier and minus one soul mate, I'll stick with this longer, it was good to have the opportunity to compare and contrast.

[pest947]

In the idealisation stage at the start of the relationship, what became "soul mate" material was the feeling of being considered "faultless". In the sense that this unique special feeling of what came across as close as I could rationalise at the time as unconditional love. There was no crititique, put downs, stuff I felt insecure about was converted into positives. This was the extreme polarity of those emotions and why it became "soul-matey" although it is not the term that I thought about back then.

It was nice whilst it lasted, 3 months in, but even after the first noticeable splitting devaluation, what led me back each time was this "reboot" of the same. It was difficult to break out of because, as much as I believe today, it is likely genuine and not manipulated. Crucially though, part of the pathology of which I had no idea of.

Cromwell, Thank You for putting it into these words. This really resonates with me and my situation almost to a tee. How the connection felt, why it occurred and even the getting pulled into "reboots". I also don't believe in the case of my exBPD it was on purpose and genuine. She would even agree she was projecting on me and focusing on something small determined to be bad at the time and ignoring all the good. Had the conversation twice, but the BPD always "wins" in the end and the painted black and discard happens even knowing. It is really like dealing with two completely different people sometimes.

[Plucky1980]

don't shame yourself for not staying away, i was in the same boat. i had 3 or 4 times to severe the tie. i kept going back though, hoping she'd turn back into the girl i had met. odd thing is, she kept getting worse, the cycles began speeding up. it took a lot of help from my therapist and friends to walk away. i didn't want to let go, of something that i thought was so good. i wrote about her physical qualities, i manifested it. what i failed to write out were internal qualities.

don't look at this as a mistake, find the gift in it. mine? that i finally stood up for myself, that i finally had my back, that i finally flipped the script on never walking away.

best of luck

r

I definitely noticed the time inbetween discards effectively speeding up after she broke up with me the first time. It would be great for a few weeks then her negative traits would start to surface, each time we split up and I was stupid enough to go and practically beg for another chance. They would become more pronounced too.

I feel like your entire post is a mirror of my own experiences. I too needed a therapist and my friends to help me, to make sure I didn't try and go back, to try and get her to take me back. I too spent a ridiculous and futile amount of time hoping that somehow the person I though I knew and fell in love with was in there, and was worth having a relationship with.

Perspective has taught me that she isn't worth my time, love, or effort.

This realisation does not make it any easier, however. Not yet, anyway.

[once removed]

the short answer is:

a lot of us were looking for a soul mate. and we had unrealistic ideas about what a soul mate is, what intimacy is, and what healthy relationships entail. some of us mistook intensity for intimacy.

on my first day of sixth grade i met my best friend ever since. he walked up to me, said he had seen me several times at a local teenage hangout, and we never looked back. that was nearly twenty years ago.

there was chemistry right from the start; he was and is a soul mate. but thats how a lot of relationships start, the best and the worst of them. in reality, the relationship him and i have today was built slowly, over time.

She did not mirror me and I did not fall in love with myself

thats good. its better to fall in love with the other person for who they are, than ourselves.

but mirroring a person is not simply being a carbon copy of them.

our earliest bond was with our mothers. psychology suggests that if we developed successfully, then our mothers consistently mirrored us. this, in fact, is how we developed a sense of ourselves and who we are.

mirroring facilitates bonding. if i laugh at your joke, im mirroring you. if youre telling me a story, and i nod as if im listening, if i gape my mouth open in horror at the dark parts, im mirroring you. if i give you advice and you take it and thank me, we are mirroring each other. we all do this. generally, its a good thing.

some of us though, need a little bit more of it than others in order to feel fulfilled in relationships. my ex reflected back to me the parts of me i so desperately wanted to be loved for the most. other girls had done this before on some level. other girls had made me feel comfortably myself, indeed in powerful ways. this one did it on an even deeper level, and she not only did that, but she made me feel as if there was nothing i could possibly do that she would reject me for. that was a powerful, and attractive feeling. so when she rejected me (broke up with me), the feeling was equally, if not more powerful.

while the two of you may have been very different on the outside (social butterfly vs shy and demure), opposites can attract and reinforce the good in each other (mirror). famously, introverts often partner with extroverts; they reinforce each others strengths, mitigate each others shortcomings, and open each other to new experiences.

the social butterfly, for example, often thrives upon lifting the shy and demure out of their shell.

one person might thrive upon praising a person with lower self esteem, and inducing a sense of newfound confidence. the person with lower self esteem feels the confidence, expresses it, and the other person feels a sense of accomplishment, and even attraction. this too, is mirroring.

I was hooked within the first minute of conversation, actually the first time I saw her.

well, you list several things that attracted you to this person, and simultaneously downplay them.

so you tell me.

what was so special about her?

[BrokenSpokane]

i was in the same mindset. everytime i went back i thought i was strong enough to handle the situation, but each time i'd allow her to cut me down even more. eventually i had enough, and walked away. one of the hardest things i've ever had to do.

Boy, I can relate as well.  I tried to walk away at least 3 times.  She roped me back in each time. The last time, I actually saw the true her.  Honest, crying, desperately trying to keep me.  Never saw her 'naked' emotions before.  So vulnerable, so honest.  I went back and within a week she retracted everything she had said the week before to bring me back. Blamed her anger on high blood sugar levels and low thyroid count.  Blamed me for the state of the relationship, for I told friends, family 'what was going on'. 

It's been 3 weeks of NC and I can tell you myself and my kids are so much happier.  I continue to see my therapist and heal.

But, I can tell you the reason I was so attached to her was because she knew me so well, for I was raw, honest and gave her my heart.  Because of that, she was able to manipulate me.  But, she also knew how to make me feel special. She made me feel like I was the only one for her.  She made me feel like we were the strongest couple on Earth.  But, I never knew the next day what she'd blame me for...making her feel like a convenience for example.

We saw my therapist (she had already diagnosed her as BPD or at least BPD tendencies by this point) for marriage counseling.  In that session, my exBPD poured her heart out to me.  "You are more than I deserve. You are my everything, I love you so much...".  Well, this past therapy session, my therapist revealed to me that she knew that she was BS'ing me in that session.  "She's a master manipulator and she knows exactly how to make you feel.  I saw right threw that and it wasn't genuine".  So, my therapist saw right through it, but I didn't.  I ate it up, just like I ate up all the other love bombing she did throughout the relationship.  But, my therapist also points out that she loved me the best could.  I gave her my heart and soul and she just wanted the house, financial security and sex.

But, lesson learned, I know what to look for in the future.

[gizmocasci]

We saw my therapist (she had already diagnosed her as BPD or at least BPD tendencies by this point) for marriage counseling. 

mine wouldn't even go. maybe it was too soon, maybe it wasn't. she was open to the idea, but then she wasn't. she then had the nerve to tell me i'd be in for a rude awakening if we went together. meanwhile i had been seeing a therapist for just about two years on my own (while i was single), and had learned so much. that comment blew my mind! unfortunately i ignored the red flags, because the relationship seemed to good to be true. my own unresolved issues, kept me in it, even though i knew i had to walk away. being human is great, ain't it? as you said, now we know what we don't want.

best of luck

r