I really am glad I am free

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Perhaps you can consider signing on with a T (for you), and not in secret, immediately upon your return so you are accountable to discuss what’s taking place in real time.  Tell your W before you return.  And your W can have some food for thought.   Let her know the emotional pain you feel, the healing that must take place.  This could keep your W in check... maybe?

Trying a bit of preemptive action for you... to help you.

Warmly,
Gems

Thanks yes that seems like a good idea.

About the debt causing her actions. Well I kept £15K worth of debt hidden from her  and defaulted on 2 loans. She had previously hoped I could pay off those loans in 2 years and we would be debt free. She then found out all my debt and my inability to pay the installments and from that moment on she gradually got worse - as I said before - monitoring my work etc and inflicting reprisals on me etc. She probably felt engulfed with debt. But even before this there were ongoing issues with her. Something she does not really acknowledge.

Look - it is going to come to a head again sooner or later - I am playing the time game and trying to manouvre myself into a better position, which actually - leaving her for 1 month has achieved since she has agreed to my terms for return plus we are selling the house. At the centre of all this of course is a young blameless man who needs my support.

I am far from happy - but still believe in time my relationship with her will conclude under better circumstances.

[MrRight]

Perhaps you can consider signing on with a T (for you), and not in secret, immediately upon your return so you are accountable to discuss what’s taking place in real time.  Tell your W before you return.  And your W can have some food for thought.   Let her know the emotional pain you feel, the healing that must take place.  This could keep your W in check... maybe?

Trying a bit of preemptive action for you... to help you.

Warmly,
Gems

Thanks yes that seems like a good idea.

About the debt causing her actions. Well I kept £15K worth of debt hidden from her  and defaulted on 2 loans. She had previously hoped I could pay off those loans in 2 years and we would be debt free. She then found out all my debt and my inability to pay the installments and from that moment on she gradually got worse - as I said before - monitoring my work etc and inflicting reprisals on me etc. She probably felt engulfed with debt. But even before this there were ongoing issues with her. Something she does not really acknowledge.

Look - it is going to come to a head again sooner or later - I am playing the time game and trying to manouvre myself into a better position, which actually - leaving her for 1 month has achieved since she has agreed to my terms for return plus we are selling the house. At the centre of all this of course is a young blameless man who needs my support.

I am far from happy - but still believe in time my relationship with her will conclude under better circumstances.

[MrRight]

Saw my dad and stepmother today

they understand - think Im doing the right thing under the circumstances.

do not want ever to see her when I visit.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mr. R, Suggest you keep in touch with your Dad and stepmother, because you will need their support when the going gets rough again, as it usually does with a pwBPD.  The other reason is that, without input from family and friends, you can lose all perspective in a BPD r/s, which can be incredibly isolating, as you know.  I lost myself for a while there in my marriage to my BPDxW, which was not fun.

LJ

[MrRight]

Hey Mr. R, Suggest you keep in touch with your Dad and stepmother, because you will need their support when the going gets rough again, as it usually does with a pwBPD.  The other reason is that, without input from family and friends, you can lose all perspective in a BPD r/s, which can be incredibly isolating, as you know.  I lost myself for a while there in my marriage to my BPDxW, which was not fun.

LJ

I will stay in touch with them for certain. They have a clearer perspective than me - when I asked them if they would consider having her in the house - I felt their hostility. It was strong.

[GaGrl]

Mr. Right --

No one except you can figure out the best way to achieve your ultimate Best Life. You are doing what you see as the y but path for now. He mindful and thoughtful on the journey.

What kind of discussions are you haven't by with your wife prior to moving back in? What boundaries will you be putting in place? Have you considered a way to communicate those boundaries to her in a way that emphasizes that they are your values and thus not to be violated? Have you planned for what your actions will be when she (inevitably) violates one of your boundaries?

Also, once your agreements for moving forward are in place, is there an agreed-upon word or phrase you can use when she begins to escalate, for her to understand and flag how you are feeling in the moment? Would she accept such a tool?

[MrRight]

Mr. Right --

No one except you can figure out the best way to achieve your ultimate Best Life. You are doing what you see as the y but path for now. He mindful and thoughtful on the journey.

What kind of discussions are you haven't by with your wife prior to moving back in? What boundaries will you be putting in place? Have you considered a way to communicate those boundaries to her in a way that emphasizes that they are your values and thus not to be violated? Have you planned for what your actions will be when she (inevitably) violates one of your boundaries?

Also, once your agreements for moving forward are in place, is there an agreed-upon word or phrase you can use when she begins to escalate, for her to understand and flag how you are feeling in the moment? Would she accept such a tool?

I have set several boundaries and she has agreed - for example - no interference or monitoring of my work - bed at night by 10 and up at 7, no complaints about me going to the toilet, freedom to move around the house etc.

A word? Not sure - she might accept that initially - whether she would respect it once she descends into madness - Im not sure. Perhaps her biggest motivation to do as she has promised is the fear about what I am capable of - abandonment.

On another point - when she talks to me now tells me how good I am etc - its starting to sound contrived and false. She presents a face in the outside world - and at times it feels like she is presenting a face to me as well.

[Turkish]

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