Breaking up is hard

[kittykay]

I've been together with my pwBPD for 1.5 years. The last year has been really up and down - we've had really wonderful times and then really hard times when there was so much anger and frustration. I kept being pulled into a whirlwind of emotions, and had a very hard time staying grounded. I lost touch with myself and my needs. About half a year ago I began the process of detaching, a few months ago he broke up with me but we never really split and eventually got back together after about 2 months when things were in a good place again. As soon as we got back together the anger and frustration started again. And then about a month ago we had a talk and decided to split up. This for me means moving to a different country, we are different nationalities and right now I am living with him in his home country. I feel the need to go home where my friends are.

The tough thing now is that he doesn't want me to leave. And obviously part of me doesn't want to leave either. I keep wishing we could work things out but I know we can't. There's just too many things I struggle with in this relationship and I haven't found a good way to be able to talk about them. And I feel super isolated when things are bad because my friends are far away. So I don't really have resources to be able to deal with it. So I know it's the right decision to leave. But I struggle with sadness and compassion for him and his struggle (will he figure out a way to deal with his issues or be caught in this cycle forever?). In our relationship I tried to help him, but I've realized I can't. Not if he doesn't want to look for professional help and he's stated very clearly that he doesn't.

Do any of you recognize this? I'm guessing when someone with BPD is on the verge of being alone this is very difficult for them and they try to hold on and make things better. Any tips on how to stay strong and keep going with my decision? I'm really going to miss this human, especially when he's in his kind and cuddly mood... Did any of you manage to stay friends with a pwBPD post break-up?

[gizmocasci]

Do any of you recognize this? I'm guessing when someone with BPD is on the verge of being alone this is very difficult for them and they try to hold on and make things better. Any tips on how to stay strong and keep going with my decision? I'm really going to miss this human, especially when he's in his kind and cuddly mood... Did any of you manage to stay friends with a pwBPD post break-up?

So sorry for your loss. Having been with someone who I thought was so special for just about 8 months, I know the pain of having to let go. You're grieving a loss right now, so do what you need to do to keep moving forward. Show yourself a bunch of self-love and compassion as you need time and space to heal. I'd advise against staying friends with someone like this, because the emotional toll they take on your nevous system, just isn't worth it. I went back many times thinking I was stronger and more equipped to handle her, but I wound up always being cut down.

You have a lovely group of people here willing to help and listen.

Best of luck.

r

[Lucky Jim]

The last year has been really up and down - we've had really wonderful times and then really hard times when there was so much anger and frustration.

Hey kk, A "whirlwind of emotions," is an apt description of the turmoil in a BPD r/s.  It's a roller coaster, as you've discovered.  You are wise to focus on yourself and your needs.  Like you, I lost myself for a while in my marriage to a pwBPD, which was not fun.  You seem to have a good handle on your situation.  No, you can't cure it.  Yes, it is a cycle.  Yes, moving on is tough, but leads to greater happiness.  Detaching from a pwBPD is bound to be a rough ride, so be prepared.

LuckyJim

[BrokenSpokane]

Do any of you recognize this? I'm guessing when someone with BPD is on the verge of being alone this is very difficult for them and they try to hold on and make things better. Any tips on how to stay strong and keep going with my decision? I'm really going to miss this human, especially when he's in his kind and cuddly mood... Did any of you manage to stay friends with a pwBPD post break-up?

It is very difficult. The BPD makes us feel so special and unique. But, that is only part of who they are I'm learning. My ex broke down for several days, begging me not to go, admitting her anger, trust and abandonment issues. I never saw her so vulnerable and honest before. So, I stayed. It only took about a week for her to completely absolve herself from all responsibility of her anger (blamed it on blood sugar and thyroid levels) and blamed me for the status of the relationship since I was reaching out for help and was taking with friends/family.

I'm still going through this, it's only been about a month, so my only tip is to stay the course. Do what you feel is right for you and your sanity. It's very hard, but you'll be happier in the end.

I would recommend reading this page: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#1

It really helped me put into perspective their thought process. My ex has been on POF for three weeks now trolling for sex (a friend alerted me about it. she can't go a week without it). It's been very difficult for me, for it cheapens the 4+ years we spent together. She'd say she'd love me forever, I was the only one... I'm the best... I'm better than she deserves... All of that was BS. So it hurts...a lot. But, be that as it may, that page really explains how they think. It still hurts, but it will help me move on faster.

From what I've been reading, being friends isn't healthy or plausible. I know in my case, there's no way in hell she'll be friends with me. If be open to it, but I know her too well.

Stay true to yourself and what will bring you happiness. Take it one day at a time and it will eventually get better.

I wish you happiness.

-M

[kittykay]

Thanks so much for your answers. It helps so much to understand the behavior better and to know that others have been through the same. It can get so confusing otherwise, and it's good to know that this is just a "normal" part of this kind of break-up. It's good to be able to share with people who understand.

@BrokenSpokane, I so much relate to what you wrote about the breaking down and suddenly being open and vulnerable. My ex has told me that he's sorry he couldn't be himself with me in our relationship and that he's scared that he's repeating a cycle. It's heart-wrenching. And at the same time he clearly says he does not want to go to therapy for it. If it were me, this would be exactly the time I'd go looking for help (, actually that is what I am doing). Instead, I know that he has already been on tinder looking for someone to hook up with and getting in touch with women he's hooked up with in the past. Pretty painful and gut-wrenching indeed.

I will indeed take it one day at a time and trust that things will get better. It's a tough time now but being able to reach out helps. Thanks for link to surviving a break-up @BrokenSpokane, I'm going to go read through that now.

[pest947]

@BrokenSpokane, I so much relate to what you wrote about the breaking down and suddenly being open and vulnerable. My ex has told me that he's sorry he couldn't be himself with me in our relationship and that he's scared that he's repeating a cycle. It's heart-wrenching. And at the same time he clearly says he does not want to go to therapy for it. If it were me, this would be exactly the time I'd go looking for help (, actually that is what I am doing). Instead, I know that he has already been on tinder looking for someone to hook up with and getting in touch with women he's hooked up with in the past. Pretty painful and gut-wrenching indeed.

This is the worst. Mine would often be similar, apologize and feel bad, saying I didn't serve it and she doesn't want to hurt me. That she is sorry and knows she needs and wants to build my trust in her back and show me the love I deserve. Yet, as time passed she couldn't help herself and BPD took over and it was out the window. Projection of stress, me to blame and be at fault for driving her nuts over anything you can imagine and boom...done

[kittykay]

@pest947 yes, indeed, it's so hard to stay with the decision at times, I'm also hurting and wishing things had turned out differently. And also remembering how it was at the beginning, that feeling of being so completely in love, wanting to do everything together and be together all the time. I know now that that's not a healthy dynamic and not what I want in a relationship, but it's still something that my feelings have to catch up to. And so when he says that he doesn't want me to leave and that he is going to miss me something in me says "stay, try again". But then of course things go back to frustration and anger and fighting. And that's the cycle I'm stepping out of. I hope that in time I'll be able to let it all go and find more peace and contentment alone. For now I just have to trust that I will be okay, even when it doesn't feel that way.

[Lucky Jim]

something in me says "stay, try again". But then of course things go back to frustration and anger and fighting. And that's the cycle I'm stepping out of.

Hey kk, Right, in order to stop the cycle, you have to get off the roller coaster.  It is hard, I know, yet leads to greater happiness.

LJ

[kittykay]

Yes. It's really hard to let the thought "But couldn't we make it work?" go without believing it. It's only because of many bitter experiences that I know that the answer is "no". I don't really understand why it doesn't just stick in my head that "no, it's not good for me to stay in this relationship". Why do I again and again become convinced that "if I/we could only change such-and-such it would be fine, because, after all, we love each other and miss each other when we are away from each other." It's confusing that I cannot trust my feelings and thoughts on this, I can really see how it's akin to addiction.

Fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, patterns from childhood that equate this kind of push-pull with love? If only there were a switch somewhere that could turn off the thoughts and feelings. So I could just move on and feel okay and whole, and not like I'm leaving something important behind.

[Lucky Jim]

It's really hard to let the thought "But couldn't we make it work?" go without believing it.

Hello again, kk, You are on the right track, I think, because you are aware that the answer is No.  I suggest you practice gratitude for getting out of an unhealthy situation.  The reality is it's doubtful that anything you did, or didn't do, would have changed the outcome, because most BPD relationships are not built to last.  Just the way it is with BPD.  Agree, a BPD r/s is akin to an addiction in the sense that we know it's bad for us, yet we still want to engage in it, as you have observed, which is also why so many of us (including me) have recycled, often many times (me again).  Suggest you allow the thoughts and feelings, acknowledge them and let them pass, as you are doing.

LJ