Pressuring me to have sex so she feels “wanted”? Verbal abuse escalating

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDgf is blaming me for “not giving her what she needs”? She needs to “f***” and “be f*****” as she says. She attacks me with this after giving me the silent treatment for long time and verbal abuse. Recently, She has accused me of making her feel like a sexual predator a year ago. I didnt want to have sex and she wouldnt take no. Eventually i said fine but I just laid there(disassociated-I was sad that night and wanted support/to be held). She realized I wasn’t okay and just stopped but was angry. Has anyone ever had this experience?

I have told her I don’t trust her. Every time ee talk she is verbally abusive. I don’t use the word “abuse” -I say “you say things intended to hurt.” She curses alot -the thought of her touching me in an intimate way makes me scared. I told her that I needed trust and emotional intimacy. I wouldnt have sex with someone I didnt trust. She accused me of “withholding” sex to punish her. Here’s the kicker she says she hasnt felt comfortable for initiating for a year. She snd I have had sex. It has been limited b/c 1) she has her kids in the bed alot which I’ve asked her to address( they are her kids and she encourages that or sleeps with them) 2) she often falls asleep 3) she does not always say yes to me when I initiate—-d) she has told me not to come multiple times when I try e) the only time she really has been initiating is after a fight (when she says nothing to address my concerns-she sometimes listens silently then talks about needing sex and then wants us to go have it) and she refuses to acknowledge any of this but blames me and makes me feel broken/incompetent
She is threatening the end of the relationship. When I said I needed trust and dont feel comfortable -I want us to work on this.I said my emotional, sexual needs are also not being met snd both of us are not satisfied. I told her that I wanted us to figure out if/how we can have a healthy relationship. Right now we cant be in each other’s presence, nor communicate without a fight and hurtful things (she says intentionally hurtful things).  

She has started saying “FINE! I want a non-monogamous relationship. You can’t have your cake and eat it too”.

I’m ready to end this. There are 2 kids involved who I love dearly and I cant emotionally be okay with non-monogamy. I wish I could. I would love to have my needs met too. I told her that EVERY time I share a feeling about a concern i feel, she attacks and criticizes.

The verbal/emotional abuse has escalated.

I feel like I’m being pressured to have sex because she “NEEDS To feel wanted.”. I feel objectified.

Fyi-we are 2 women in a relationship.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

My uBPDgf is blaming me for “not giving her what she needs”? She needs to “f***” and “be f*****” as she says. She attacks me with this after giving me the silent treatment for long time and verbal abuse. Recently, She has accused me of making her feel like a sexual predator a year ago. I didnt want to have sex and she wouldnt take no. Eventually i said fine but I just laid there(disassociated-I was sad that night and wanted support/to be held). She realized I wasn’t okay and just stopped but was angry. Has anyone ever had this experience?

I have told her I don’t trust her. Every time ee talk she is verbally abusive. I don’t use the word “abuse” -I say “you say things intended to hurt.” She curses alot -the thought of her touching me in an intimate way makes me scared. I told her that I needed trust and emotional intimacy. I wouldnt have sex with someone I didnt trust. She accused me of “withholding” sex to punish her. Here’s the kicker she says she hasnt felt comfortable for initiating for a year. She snd I have had sex. It has been limited b/c 1) she has her kids in the bed alot which I’ve asked her to address( they are her kids and she encourages that or sleeps with them) 2) she often falls asleep 3) she does not always say yes to me when I initiate—-d) she has told me not to come multiple times when I try e) the only time she really has been initiating is after a fight (when she says nothing to address my concerns-she sometimes listens silently then talks about needing sex and then wants us to go have it) and she refuses to acknowledge any of this but blames me and makes me feel broken/incompetent
She is threatening the end of the relationship. When I said I needed trust and dont feel comfortable -I want us to work on this.I said my emotional, sexual needs are also not being met snd both of us are not satisfied. I told her that I wanted us to figure out if/how we can have a healthy relationship. Right now we cant be in each other’s presence, nor communicate without a fight and hurtful things (she says intentionally hurtful things).  

She has started saying “FINE! I want a non-monogamous relationship. You can’t have your cake and eat it too”.

I’m ready to end this. There are 2 kids involved who I love dearly and I cant emotionally be okay with non-monogamy. I wish I could. I would love to have my needs met too. I told her that EVERY time I share a feeling about a concern i feel, she attacks and criticizes.

The verbal/emotional abuse has escalated.

I feel like I’m being pressured to have sex because she “NEEDS To feel wanted.”. I feel objectified.

Fyi-we are 2 women in a relationship.

[AskingWhy]

LITFL, I am sorry this is happening.   

It is true withholding affection or sex is abusive, but coercion of sex is also abusive.

I know of BPD men that they use sex as a brief escape for the emptiness and anxiety they feel.  It's not about intimacy in reality.  The need to be wanted, cared about and loved is legitimate, but forcing a partner into sex is not. 

Threats to leave/divorce are common from BPD partners and spouses, both straight and gay. 

Verbal abuse of partners is common in pwBPD.  And who wants intimacy with someone name calling, criticizing, insulting and making character assassinations?

You know the dymanics of BPD with your being here and seeing it in your GF. 

Your getting fed up is common in nons. 

What are your responses to her threats to leave, to enter other R/Ss, and what are your plans should she carry through?

I empathise with what you're going through.   

[formflier]

Uggg.   

My psychologist has described my wife as "hper-sexual".  Near as I can tell I have a "regular" sex drive, but like many people, I find it hard to be interested after a dysregulation rage/thing.

Can you do some "he said/she said" about how these discussions go?  I bet we can do some coaching to help "take the edge off".

Best,

FF

[anonymous_non-BP]

LITFS, sorry to hear this as well and I've have had similar experiences with my BPD wife. I agree with the comments that this is a form of manipulation and testing to see how you will respond. Remember, fear of abandonment and desire for intense emotional experiences (i.e. relationships, passion, sex, etc) to fill the void are just a couple drivers at the center of BPD.

The only advice I have is try mentioning earlier in the day that you are looking forward to an "exciting" night with her so she can be reassured that you are in sync with respect to that one thing. Or try sex earlier in the morning or day if possible and it will defuse her emotional build-up throughout the day...

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Asking Why and FF,

Thank you so much for replying! I am having a very hard time. I feel like she is going to cheat or may be cheating.

She said that she has needs -“need to be wanted” “need to be fxxxxx”. I feel like I’m the target right now necause her mom is sick with cancer in another country. But this issue comes up alot particularly AFTER i have indicated being hurt or in this case. She emphasized these needs are valid and I agreed. They are important and I’m sorry she feels this need is not being met. She then went on “I feel like I’m on repeat and nothing is changing.”

I was thinking of course not -since she has been back in the country since 9/1, we have been in each other’s presence. I also felt objectified-like she needs to dominate me since that’s how she feels satisfied.  One of the times we talked about how I feel she betrayed my trust. She listened and didnt really engage. Then we left she winked at me and said “so how about we go have sex?”   I said “it doesnt work that way.” She said “sure it does.”

But in the main recent discussion She  said “i told you exactly what I need and how you should make me feel wanted”.  Please understand she has treated me so poorly these last 3 weeks and she “thinks” she apologized 1x when she called the next day after saying the most hprrible things. Anyways I told her that “I just told you that I don’t feel comfortable and need trust. Don’t you want me to be comfortable?” She said of course I do. I love you and all that. But maybe we are not compatible and that’s okay.” And She said she shouldnt have to feel like a sexual predator. I said that I want to talk about these things (she doesnt think we should have to go to a counselor to be able to talk.)  i said yes but I dont want to be attacked. I may be hearing you wrong other than how you intended. She said okay-that I could tell her if what she was going to say felt like an attack. I said ok. And then she kept stressing how she NEEDS NEEDS to be WANTED. (i was to blame for not responding to this so many times)And then at some point she started cursing. I just listened and said nothing (all this was on the phone AFTER i had called to ask her to come with me to the happy hour  tomorrow).  When she was done and it was silent. I said that felt like an attack. That is unhealthy communicatio. She said “it’s my emotions (almost like she realized she was out of line and couldnt control it).  Earlier she had wanted me to make the going to HH a “date”? She kept saying “is this a date?” She almost seemed to get something out of cpntrolling me into begging her to make this a “date”. I wasnt going to say it was b/c at that point I felt like she would expect sex. And keep in mind-she has been so abusive for the last month.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks anonymous/ thats a great idea but the problem is I dont feel safe with her sexually right now. I cant have her touch me in that way. i feel like she wants me to have sex with her so she can be dominant and she believes as soon as I do what she wants, it always affirms that what she had done immediately prior (eg silent treatment, abusive language etc) was justified. She would say (blaming me)—why does it take that action on her prt to get what she wants?

[Cat Familiar]

If someone said unkind abusive things to me, that would make me very disinclined to EVER have sex with them AGAIN. How she could think this was OK or a turn on for you is beyond me?

[secretgirl]

My ubpdexbf and I are both VERY sexual... BUT the diff is... as "askingwHy" has stated, they use it for the emptiness... I noticed my bf has sex with me a lot during conflict times or after (makeup sex type deal) even though I'm not emotionally ready or open... what seemed to help me was to say that my sexual appetite was connected to feelings as opposed to "physical attractiveness" or "horniness." If that makes sense.. I just kept re-iterating that to him. So eventually he saw it as a boundary sort of thing like oh yah.. she's not happy now, so we can't have sex until she's happy. Not sure if that helps though? Ugh.. I hate feeling on your end of things.. it's the worst feeling ever. I'm so sorry <3

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Cat Familiar-thanks. Thats what I feel exactly-that I dont want her to touch me. I feel like it’s a conquest. I’m a conquest. Maybe b/c she feels shame? I dont know. Its sad really.

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Secret girl-this is very helpful. Your H sounds like he cares-which is great. Can you tell me how you explained your boundary to him? i’m beginning to wonder if my uBPDgf is also uNPD. She has mocked my crying and continued to say hurtful things.

We go to therapy this week. M
Can I call this “abuse” in therapy (eg the silence, gaslighting, mocking, verbal abusive language)? Can I say that?

I read boundaries and am understandkng them now as values that I cannot compromise on?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Life-

I am so sorry for the pain, sadness and fear you’re experiencing around intimacy with your uBPDgf.  And I do believe that the extent of narcissistic traits contributes to our partners’ level of compassion toward our needs.

I hope this isn’t too personal, but maybe could help?  If she’s able to listen to you.

Due to certain things that happened during my younger years, my natural instinct is to disassociate during sex.  To disappear and “be” somewhere else.  I participated fully, but I’m somewhere else.  My partners (including my exH of 19 years) always thought I’d reached this “total abandonment, out of body” thing.  That wasn’t it.

However... for some unknown reason I told the truth about disassociation to my uBPDbf.  He keeps me PRESENT.  Speaks kindly to me, we laugh and he makes sure I KNOW it’s him and me.  And no... we don’t head to the bedroom if we’re in a fight.  He would never consider that knowing what I’ve been through.

Your lover needs to know who you are.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.

If you’re disassociating, you’re protecting yourself.  I am certain you know this.

Please take care of yourself.
Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I’m not sure if your uBPDgf

[secretgirl]

Secret girl-this is very helpful. Your H sounds like he cares-which is great. Can you tell me how you explained your boundary to him? i’m beginning to wonder if my uBPDgf is also uNPD. She has mocked my crying and continued to say hurtful things.

We go to therapy this week. M
Can I call this “abuse” in therapy (eg the silence, gaslighting, mocking, verbal abusive language)? Can I say that?

I read boundaries and am understandkng them now as values that I cannot compromise on?

Hey life, my ubpdexbf isn’t my H haha he’s my ex right now since he’s punishing me for something else and giving me silent treatment ... but in regards to the sex thing yah... sometimes he would bring up how I’ve “changed” from the beginning and how I used to give in etc but a huge boundary I made was that if I feel sad I don’t engage in anything , including heavy making out not to mislead him... try not to pick up on their anger etc it’s almost like a manipulation to try and get laid (disrespectful, 100%) but you have to stick to your beliefs.
You don’t want to keep giving in if you’re unhappy... and that’s not fair to be having sex when you’re not in a good place emotionally.
Tell her that you need to feel emotionally happy and cared for for you to be able to connect sexually. I just kept repeating that and over time it seemed to stick. I think with them , it’s the consistency they require.

You could bring it up in therapy yes but try not to say “abuse” just describe your experience and the therapist will “get it.”

Yes boundaries are like your values . For example , I was very weak with some of my boundaries and over time my ex kept pushing and pushing those ones that he saw I would falter on...
example; “I don’t like your guy friends “

Instead of cutting contact with my guy friends , I should’ve said “well I’m sorry but they are my friends after all... and can you please explain why you don’t like them?”

I kept saying that my friends’ behaviour doesn’t affect mine of influence mine. So figure out what things you’re willing to compromise and what you’re not ... again , my T warned me sometimes if we don’t allow them to push our boundary , we risk losing Them but I guess with pwbpd , there’s always a risk of losing them regardless .