How does a BPD/NPD view marriage?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I recently read an article that a BPD/NPD views marriage as an end game, as a way to trapped their partner knowing its now harder to leave.  In my case my ex bpd viewed getting pregnant as a reason to get married thus trying to trap me.  I heard of stories that the mask comes off within the first few months of getting married or soon after their partner became pregnant.  Are my assumptions correct, did the mask come off as soon as your married your partner or after they got pregnant?  This question is somewhat similar in nature to my other questions.

[Newyoungfather]

I recently read an article that a BPD/NPD views marriage as an end game, as a way to trapped their partner knowing its now harder to leave.  In my case my ex bpd viewed getting pregnant as a reason to get married thus trying to trap me.  I heard of stories that the mask comes off within the first few months of getting married or soon after their partner became pregnant.  Are my assumptions correct, did the mask come off as soon as your married your partner or after they got pregnant?  This question is somewhat similar in nature to my other questions.

[Eggshellsbroken]

Very interesting question, I've never heard that point made before. 

I'm currently in the divorce process after 19-yr of marriage to my uBPDw.  Only after she left me and the kids did I discover BPD and understand its impact on us.

On our very first date she kept going on about how I didn't show any facial expressions.  A valid point, I was in the military and maybe had my game face on too much.  Now I know that BPD's are very keen on facial expressions and often see anger in a neutral face. 

That's not the point of your question of course, but on our second date she told me we where getting married and I wasn't leaving for my next assignment without her.  She was 21, I was 26 and she was failing out of college.

We were married less than a year later, and she became pregnant less than 2 months after that.

I only recently learned from my mother that my BPDw had deliberately come off of birth control to get pregnant quickly.  While during the same time period, she was telling her parents that I was a horrible person and she wanted the wedding annulled.

I wish in fact that it was annulled now.  But I have 2 great kids (18 / 13).  Unfortunately she no longer shows much interest in them.  That is very painful to them.

[Newyoungfather]

Hello Eggshellbroken,
My dating experience was almost the same as yours, she kept insisting that we get married and then she said she "mis counted her days".  Let me ask you this, when was the first time the break up and get back together cycled started, if someone informed you about bpd in the start of the relationship could you have noticed the red flags, what was post wedding behaviors like?

[Eggshellsbroken]

well, we had no break up and get back together cycle.  We had a 19 yr marriage that was often the best of times, but her alcohol and rx drug dependency got worse and worse, and she did have me on the splitting roller coaster a lot.  She would split other friends, people she adored until one day she hated them.  I didn't understand it until it was too late, until it happened to me.  One day I was her knight in shining armor, then next day, I was the devil and she left us.

After she left I discovered BPD and read all the books, and realized she had exhibited most of the traits throughout our marriage, I just didn't know it at the time.

Can't really say much about the immediate post-wedding times, her quick pregnancy became physically very difficult for her and se Terrible Twos started, she went downhill quickly.  Lots of anger, rage, and drinking. 

[gettingoverit]

HI,
Once my xbpdgf and I started dating, she wanted to move things at lightening speed. She wanted us to move in together after three months (I declined and told her I would not even consider such a thing until we had been dating for at least a year). Once we lived together she wanted to buy a house, and finally she wanted to get married. I gave her the first two, but thank god I never married her. By the time we broke up almost 6 years later (I was crazy...I know), she had proven that she was not marriage material as she could not sustain any type of relationship for longer than a year before we would start the break up/make up cycle.

It seems that bpds want to seal the deal as soon as possible, whether that be getting married, or getting pregnant. I think subconsciously they know they can not sustain anything for too long, and eventually the cracks begin to show. It took a year for her cracks to show with me. She was however able to convince my replacement to marry her within three to six weeks (still unclear of when the engagement really happened as both avoided telling others openly for fear of how it looked). They were married in 2012, and I am sure the cycle started soon after because by 2017 they were no longer together. Where ever my lovely exbpdgf may be, I'm sure nothing has changed for her, only the name of her next "soulmate" has.

[once removed]

i dont know if anyone who is desperate when it comes to marriage, who pushes for major and quick commitments sees things in terms of "trying to trap" others.

as we all get older, these things weigh on us. im thirty three years old. i know that the clock is ticking in a lot of ways. the pool of healthy dating partners gets a bit smaller every day. i am later than most of my peers in terms of getting married and starting a family. and certainly, if i want to have children, the clock is ticking.

people with bpd feel those same fears to a heightened degree, along with an intense need for demonstrations of commitment, and relationship security. they live their lives around it.

fairly early on, my ex talked about us living together, and i balked. i was in my early twenties and still placed a high premium on my independence, and plus, im a little bit conservative in that regard, and tend to take those things slowly. she was crushed, hurt, and angry for a while. given a bit of time to get back to baseline, i think she realized its not that i wasnt committed, its that i really didnt see that as the best thing for our relationship.

i think often times, its more about relationship security, more about alleviating fears, than screwing us over.

[BrokenSpokane]

Yes, yes, yes and yes! Looking back, I can see warning signs before we got married (well, we had the ceremony, but she wouldn't sign the certificate), but her BPD certainly didn't fully kick in until after wee bought a house together, after the wedding. A couple months into living together the sarcasm and criticism started amping up. Then, the violent rages of anger became more frequent. One night she blew up, screaming her head off at me because I slept in the other room because she was snoring. She started packing up her stuff and was red in the face screaming at the top of her lungs at me.

It got worse over time. She hit me, wished I was dead, belittled me for things like going to support my daughter when she took her driving test.

She eventually took off her wedding ring when I went to Seattle and didn't text her goodnight. She didn't wear it the final month of our marriage.

But, yes, my therapist and the reading I've been doing tells the same story. The BPD doesn't really show themselves until after you're living together.

Ugly disorder.

[Pytagoras]

Well, I see you guys talking, and i compare your case with my exBPDgf. She really moved at light speed. My ex spoke about living together since from week 1. She said that with all her previous important bfs she moved in from day 1 (!) Then, she got pregnant. She was allways teasing me to c** inside her. And when i did, she got the "next day pill", but i suspect she never took it, because she got pregnant.

Then, she manipulated me a lot, trying to choose the name of the children, etc.etc. and asked me if we should continue the pregnancy or not. I like to take things slowly, and at that time we had no conditions to have children. It was too early into the r/s (2 months), i didn't trust her, she was still very attached to her ex-, etc.etc.. So i decided to interrupt pregnancy (something i feel guilty even today), and she became very cold, distanced, angry with me, even with me being always present, always doing everything she wanted.

Just as once removed said, i think it's because she is getting the rush to settle things down, to get commited. She was 31 at the time. Now she is 34, almost 35 and i think she is even more desperate now.

I witnessed major red flags right from the start, even in the honeymoon period that was very shortlived.

We moved together 2 months after, and it was hell. Even worse. With some good, positive moments too. As soon as we settled, it was hell. And as soon as she percieved that we would increase our commitment, she would act out more, in the days prior.

We never maried.

people with bpd feel those same fears to a heightened degree, along with an intense need for demonstrations of commitment, and relationship security. they live their lives around it.

Do you think that as time / age goes by, that fear increases, and their BPD behavior tends to escalate, as a consequence? I think my exBPDgf is increasingly more desperate, and her bad behaviors are revealing even more sooner. I think she is settling even quicker with her new bf (for example, 3 weeks into r/s, they got joint facebook accounts and erased their personal accounts, something she asked me 5 months into r/s - and i never did, bc i thought it would be too toxic).