no one understands

[Jbombjas]

So I’m here very embarrassed about this post but nobody understands and I just need silly reassurance on one thing. I’m
Not going to get into all the details of my my raltionship with this guy. He painted me black about a few months ago and I have since heard from him a little very negatively but it’s clear I’m no longer black.
So here’s my situation.  I am an addict with a severe attachment disorder. When men are lone gone I cannot stop contacting them. It’s not that I still want them but that my primal brain does because of something i missed out on, probably as a small baby. Most guys gonaway or I ask them to block me so I stop and they get it and do. It’s embarassing but true. So I keep contacting this guy but one means of communication: via iMessage text through his email. It goes to his laptop and continues to get delivered. When he painted me black and blocked me it did not. I suspect he may have changed jobs around then so maybe he was without a laptop but I’m not sure. I kinda doubt it. He’s a tech guy.
Ii know all the personal responsibility and boundaries and all that stuff. I’m not here to get shamed or told what to do. I am seeking help myself because of this issue. I’m also not here to get told not to focus on Him. I’m only here to ask one question. To confirm that I’m not insane.
Now this guy has FaceTimed me on this laptop. We have been naughty. He has written me on it. Etc. so now that I can’t stop I constantly beg him to block me. He won’t do it. I’m not even here to ask why he won’t. But today he replied again the same ol. That I’m harassing him and why won’t I leave him alone. I again just ask him to block me and he finally said
“This is my work laptop. To block you would mean I have to add you as a contact and I’m not going to do that” he threatens w an attorney and harassment but I kind of laugh to Myself like, why doesn’t he just block me and I’ll stop?
All I need is confirmation that I’m not crazy. That his excuse is bogus. He just doesn’t want to block me. He could easily ifhe wanted. Correct?
Again I’m not here asking about my behavior. I’m not here asking why he won’t. But that his excuse is bs. I’d think of especially if it was your work laptop you’d add me and block me for fear you’d get in trouble and to keep it away. Besides it’s connected to his personal email not any work email. I’m not even sure it’s his work laptop to be honest. But maybe it is.
His excuse is bogus right? I want out. I want to stop. And I’m getting help. But I truly can’t. I’ve tried everything. For years. There’s more to this than self will and mindfulness. I wish he would just block me. But the fact that he just won’t add me as a contact is a ridiculous reason why he won’t if he truly wants me gone right?

[Cat Familiar]

Well, at the risk of telling you what you already know, here goes:

You are putting all your control in the hands of another person. How do you feel about doing that?

Have you done any therapy for what you missed in your childhood? It might be time to start.

By asking him to block you, you are being demanding and controlling. Is it any wonder why he won't oblige you? Nobody likes being bossed around.

[Notwendy]

It's anyone's guess why he won't block you.

But if you keep contacting him, he may take legal action, or not. I guess that would be the consequence if you don't stop.

I understand you feel you can't stop.  I agree with Cat that it is your behavior. I also understand you don't want to feel you are shamed, and I don't think shame is the intent. Addictions are hard to stop without help and intervention. If anything, I have sympathy for people with addictions but know that only they can decide to get intervention, others can't do that for them. Shame doesn't help- so no shame here. 

But addictions have consequences and with this one, if you don't stop, you would see where it goes, maybe to the law, maybe not.

Or you can decide that you don't want to be doing this with guys anymore and take some steps to get help to learn how to stop yourself and not rely on them to block you.

[Jbombjas]

Thanks Cat. I appreciate that and fully agree with you.

Yes. I’m starting EMDR therapy on Tuesday! I’m excited to put an end to all of this madness  and hopefully heal some very deep trauma I keep reliving.

I just don’t want to feel insane. If you want someone gone you block them regardless of if I’m being controlling or demanding. Your excuse is “I’m not going to add you as a contact” that’s bs. And I feel insane thinking it’s actually valid. It’s bs. Why he won’t I get. What I’m doing is wrong. And I get all of that.

But his excuse. It’s ridiculous. He doesn’t want to block me. And no one will at least tell me it’s ridiculous. Everyone just keeps telling me about me. Thanks. I appreciate that. But I feel very invalidated.

I wouldn’t let you shame of you wanted so thank you notwendy. . I’ve done this for years and tried everything. I’ve texted friends. I’ve gone to Slaa. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve read numerous book. I pray and meditate. Done workbooks. The list goes on. I cannot stop. It’s primal stuff. So I’ve come to it’s acceptance and won’t let people call me crazy or shame me. If I could give my left arm and change anything about myself this would be it. If so anything.

And while I respect the whole legal action thing and certainly don’t want to go there , if you don’t take steps to actually get rid of that person, you can’t really legally do anything. I don’t stalk him. I don’t even call him. I don’t access his social media. Nothing. I’m not excusing my behavior. But if he wanted to take legal action, first he’d actually have to block me. He’d need to try. He blocked me when he painted me black. I am now no longer blocked. He even let me know in a ridiculous way that the number I thought was disconnected was reconnected. Maybe he wants nothing to do with me, but there’s something in him that either can’t let me go or can’t close the door fully. I imagine His BPD itself. 

But maybe your reason is why he won’t I just want give him peace and have peace. I don’t want to keep doing the same thing. After wr what I’ve done it wouldn’t matter if I was being bossy or not. You’d just block me. You’d take steps to get me to go.

Thanks

And yes. I always focus on self improvement and look within. I turned to this board for support w out judgement. I’m at my end with this stuff. He’s the only guy in my life that either won’t do it or won’t honor it if I ask. And his excuse is bs. Who knows why. I don’t care why.

[Notwendy]

None of us here are professionals and I certainly am not, but from what I have read - this sounds a bit OCD ish.

Like you have a compulsion to contact these guys, like someone else might feel a compulsion to hand wash, or other OCD behaviors.

This isn't insanity, it's how some people cope with their feelings. But it is also disruptive to people who struggle with it.

I think it is great you are starting therapy. Hopefully this will help you get a handle on this and begin to deal with the issues that may be behind it. When other guys block you, the control of this is external. When you get a handle on it through therapy- you do, and this will be a better way for you.

[Jbombjas]

Thanks notwendy. Yes. I am starting therapy tomorrow on the course of getting EMDR.

I am open minded on this, but would not say it is in any way OCD! It is, however, extremely compulsive and that compulsion is what fascinates me. You nailed it.  Why can’t I stop? That is why I have decided to seek help and delve deeper. I think your idea is right on. It’s how I deal with my feelings. Absolutely. But why do I deal this way and why can’t I stop? Why must I rely on another party to do it for me? There must be something deeper after slaa & AA, books, therapy, prayer, mindfulness & meditation, journaling...etc at the root of it and something deeper that can help me.

I just kinda wanted some kind of confirmation that I wasn’t insane. That his reason is bogus. He did not respond or receive them when he painted me black (or they were blocked). Why can’t he now do it? He unblocked me at some point and now can’t re-block me. Cmon. That’s ridiculous. We know why. It’s the nature of the beast inside of him that just can’t shut the door.. But I suppose no one will reaffirm me that if someone sends you 30 texts in a day and you want it to stop bc you say it’s harassment, a valid reason is that you won’t add me as a contact to block me. thats absurd and I know it. . But i guessim the only one who is acknowledging that here. And that’s what I wanted to know. I’ll jjst have to reassure myself I’m not insane. It’s bogus.

I’ve seen many posts on here about harassment and legal stuff. It’s not that I shouldn’t take it seriously but that is this guys weapon of choice when he is angered or dysregualtes. His threat is nothing but. If you wanted to sue me for harassment you’d actually have to block me first. I’m not downplaying my role. But that is what it is and always has been. . It’s sad that the disorder of bpd cannot even fathom to think on such a rational way that it thinks someone as sharp as I will believe it or not know the logistics to such a threat. Again ridiculous.

But now it’s time to focus on me. Heck with him. I’m sorry for all who have weathered the storm of those with bpd. If they are anything like this guy, is a hopeless downward spiral thst only gets worse. And loving them does them no good.

[Notwendy]

I don’t think you are crazy. I’d like to be able to answer why this guy isn’t blocking you but not really knowing him - it would be a wild guess at best.

So here goes. If he’s BPD then there’s a push pull aspect to his relationships. When you push ( contact him constantly) he’s in pull away mode. But when these types of relationships “end”- It seems the pwBPD may leave a door open for a potential recycle. This might explain not blocking you.

He’s annoyed right now when you contact him but he’s also fearful of letting go- so he’s not taking that major step to do this which is to block you. You don’t want to take that step and not contact him.

So it’s off—-for now but not really. You are still wondering. He’s not closing it off either. It’s not completely over.

But what happens if you keep contacting him - all bets are off with this.

[Jbombjas]

I agree entirely Not Wendy. THANK YOU! that was my suspicion and i jjst needed a little confirmation that what I was thinking wasn’t crazy.
Honestly at some point I’ll stop contacting him. Thisnpattern remains too! I do stop. I mean there’s always a way and I still stop. I just usually ask for or instigate or push the “help” along!
And really. He may leave the door slightly open. But I don’t care much. Once I’m done I’m done. This guy has no traits of the lovable BPDs on here. He has no traits of even being able to get into a relationship with anyone. Unfortunately he’s at the end of the spectrum of BPD w heavy narcissistic traits. You can never get close. So why go back? I want healthy things in my life. He’s far from healthy. And I continue to get more healthy as time goes on. Thanks for your help and responses. I appreciate them.

[Notwendy]

I want healthy things in my life. And I continue to get more healthy as time goes on.

I think this is a good focus!