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Author Topic: Conversations about distortion campaigns  (Read 719 times)
Gcarter

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: October 14, 2019, 02:39:28 PM »

Hello,

My name is Graham, and my Ex has BPD. She recently spent 30 days at a live-in treatment facility after making threats against me and a current partner, and we started the process of getting a restraining order. She had threatened, made distorted comments about conversations, and made racist comments about myself.

WE made the choice for health reasons not to pursue the full restraining order after I got very sick. Since then my EX has returned.

Since returning my ex has done the following:
- Come by the house.
- Texted 3 times
- Emailed 5 times (trying to help sort out any confusion over what here reasons were for doing things.)
- Run into me at a local store where we had a pleasant conversation for about 5 minutes.

I have:
- sent a single email recapping out in-person conversation for... legal reasons.
- She responded to the email with some positive stuff, about not being happy about certain things.
   - However, in the email, she also continued with the same distorted beliefs that lead her to her initial explosion.

This left me sad, and upset obviously. Which is why I am looking for help...

Questions:
1. How do you have a conversation about distorted beliefs?
2. What are some successful stratagems for helping someone realize what they are saying is not true?
3. Or do you just disengage entirely?

Notes:
I work with this person, though we do not overlap directly. She is extraordinarily bright, and somewhat high functioning. She has had a lot of trauma in her life, and she uses social media as her primary way of airing grievances.

Thank you in advance!

G
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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2019, 05:11:15 PM »

Dear Gcarter-

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for what brings you here, but glad you’ve found us.  I hope your health is much improved.

How long were you with your exBPDgf together and when did you break up?  Can you please provide a timeline of things?

First, can you clarify that your exBPD GF threatened you and YOUR current partner?  I’m a bit unclear on that.  And was it those threats that in part led to your ex’s 30-day in-patient treatment program?

Did your ex voluntarily take herself to in-patient, did she do this thinking you would be less apt to file a restraining order if she went the in-patient route?

Does your current partner know that you’re back in communication with your ex-partner?

WHY do you now feel “safe” trying to communicate with a threatening ex-partner?

Before we move forward, let’s clarify these things, for you.

To pwBPD (people with bpd), FEELINGS = FACTS.  So they will alter the narrative to match the feelings they have... thus, the Distortion.  And trying to steer them toward the real “truth”, the FACTS is often a no-win.  You’re fighting against emotions.

Why do you want to engage in this with her?  Is there something to “prove”?  Something specific you need or want to clear up?

Please stay with us and keep posting, read through our site.  There is a LOT to learn and understand.  Healing from these relationships is a difficult process, but with good support you’ll come out stronger.  We can walk through this with you.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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Gcarter

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #2 on: October 14, 2019, 08:03:49 PM »

Great questions!


How long were you with your exBPDgf together and when did you break up?
  2 years give or take a few months.

Can you please provide a timeline of things?

We met in October of 2017. At first things were solid. As they always are. But within 3 months I started to notice that she'd take little digs at me, and would react in very extreme ways to any sort of slight. No matter how small. Cutting herself, one time when she didn't get a text she went to the hospital and got put into a 5150 because she said she wanted to kill herself. We'd argue all the time about old stuff. I'd give her what she asked for and she'd get more upset.

We remained in each others lives, and at times things were great. About 5 months ago she really started to get more and more angry. Saying thing, and saying things I said that I never did. She posted on facebook outing (Im bi, and poly)me, my wife, and my best friend after claiming she was pregnant. She wasn't. A few weeks later she tearfully called and apologized. We started hanging out, and NO doubt I sent mixed signals, because she also sent mixed signals. One day she'd say how great I was, the next how I was gaslighting her, and trying to hurt her.

Things devolved again quickly. She sent angry emails to my wife, my wife's family (who are very conservative), and started to stalk me. She'd show up at the house, or at work when she had no need to be there. Finally I went to LA to see my mother, and got a call, where she claimed she'd gone on a date and been raped. I WANT TO BE CLEAR so i don't come off as an ass. I don't doubt that happened. But I told her I was so depleted, that I couldn't be there for her. That I cared, but that she needed to use her therapists.  She said she understood.

That night, she sent a bunch of very racist texts, and threats to go online again to me. The next day we filed for a TRO and were granted one. That next week she went to the live in care program. I was feeling very sick obviously... She did not show up to court, because she was in the program, and sent an attorney instead. I asked to have it be waived for now, so I could concentrate on my health.

First, can you clarify that your exBPD GF threatened you and YOUR current partner? 

She would tell me she dreamed of killing my wife. She also would tell me she would go online and post more things about me where people from work could see it.

And was it those threats that in part led to your ex’s 30-day in-patient treatment program?
I don't know for sure, but I would say most likely.

Did your ex voluntarily take herself to in-patient, did she do this thinking you would be less apt to file a restraining order if she went the in-patient route?
Again I don't know for sure, but I think it pretty likely. I have a mom in mental health, and do not enjoy kicking people while they are down. So I think she probably knew that would do.it.

Does your current partner know that you’re back in communication with your ex-partner?


Yes.

WHY do you now feel “safe” trying to communicate with a threatening ex-partner?

Well I hadn't planned on it. We bumped into each other, and we had a 5 minute conversation. I felt it best that I document that conversation, so she could not say things I had said later on. That opened me up to the email I spoke about with things I never said.



Why do you want to engage in this with her?
I don't know that I do. I just know that we have similar pasts, and I've done... we all have, done some things we aren't proud of. If I were in her shoes, I'd want to have a chance, to just explain myself, and create closure.

Is there something to “prove”?


This is a hard question. The short answer is YES. I've spent much of my career and life trying to be known as hard working, honest, and kind. When someone accuses me of saying things that I never said, it hurts. I want to prove that isn't who I am. I get the conundrum of that given the fact that until she feels it's true its not.
 
Something specific you need or want to clear up?
Yes.
I want her to know I never told her I did not believe her.
I want her to know I never threw her away. That me looking out for my health isn't a slight against anyone.
I want her to know that people changing their minds is not the same as someone Gaslighting someone else.
I want her to know that I don't hate her. I'm hurt. She hurt me.


Thank you for taking the time to respond!

Best,
G

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Gemsforeyes
*******
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #3 on: October 14, 2019, 10:33:49 PM »

Dear G-

Thank you for the clarification.  It’s clear that you’re a very compassionate man.  Many of us here spend inordinate amounts of time trying to get our partners to understand our points of view, the real “truth” of things; how their lies, projection and twisting of things destroy relationships and create so much pain and sadness.

But sadly, applying logic generally doesn’t work unless our PwBPD have done a whole lot of self-reflective work.  And that appears to be the exception, rather than the rule.

I want to ask you to give thought to something.  Please use care not to react, perhaps discuss this with your wife and your best friend.  I suggest this with my understanding that your W and best friend (and your respective families) are the primary and most vital relationships in your life.  The relationships and feelings, that in addition to your own, you hold sacred and would act to protect. 

Many pwBPD use social media to “act out” things in their lives - both good and bad.  It’s attention-seeking behavior, and can have damaging and far-reaching effects.  They use it to show the world how incredibly “happy” their lives are and to show the world how awful other people are.  AND... They use it to find people who mean something to you (and your W), their target. 

So... to protect yourself and those you care for,  I recommend that you, your W and your best friend disconnect for a time.  Disappear from the unwired world until things truly settle down. 

I have never been an ACTIVE Facebook or other social media user.  Since my uBPDbf first “de-friended” me (immediately after HIS first fight, I wasn’t really a part of it) almost 6 years ago, I have been pretty dormant.  I found out he de-friended me when he asked to be friends again.  I was quite surprised at this juvenile behavior (we were both 55 at the time) and he was madly in LOVE with me.  I told him no.  The lesson he learned from this was to NEVER block me from his phone or email... no matter how angry he may THINK he is at me.

I understand what you’re trying to do through your communication with her.  But my dear G, I don’t think that’s going to work.  Sadly, there is generally no healthy closure with a disordered mind. 

And I’m going to say something else... I’m going out on a limb.  I don’t say this lightly because I was a victim of a pretty brutal sexual assault when I was in college.  It was a horrible experience and affected every decision I made for several years.  And no, it’s not a good or kind thing to question a potential victim when she makes a rape claim.  However... on this site, her story is familiar.  She was getting more and more angry, exhibiting stalking behavior and actively seeking you out when you were trying desperately to take some space.  And THEN she made the claim that the worst thing that can happen to a woman had happened.  We do see that a LOT here.  So do NOT beat yourself up if somewhere inside you there are questions about the validity of her claim.

Did she go to the police and report the assault?  She was on a date, so she knew the identity of her attacker.  Question asked.  Was the question answered?

And no.  You are NOT responsible to counsel her following such an event, if indeed that DID take place.  You were right to tell her you care and then suggest she look to her therapist.  You were right to keep yourself out of it.

And G, she immediately turned toward sending hateful racist texts and issuing threatening messages against you.  So no, I do NOT believe she was attacked.  I DO believe she was enraged that she didn’t get the desired “RESCUE” from you when she lied about an attack. 

Oh... my hackles are up on this one.  You can probably feel that.

I apologize about the harsh tone of my response.  I don’t intend to be harsh with you... this is me being protective.

Please take good care of YOUR needs, your health.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

 
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Gcarter

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: October 15, 2019, 12:53:33 PM »

I thank you for your frank honest feedback!

I need to chew on this a bit! Will respond back later.
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