So much fighting

[isilme]

I don't even know where to start.

He's all over the place.  He's fine.  He's not.  I'm horrible.  I'm ugly.  I'm beautiful.  I'm mad nag him all the time.  His idea of nagging is talking.  At all.  I do correct information sometimes.  I make the mistake of thinking "he's mad because he is thinking something that is incorrect.  If I let him know the true data, he will not be upset."  Nope.  I am defending things that are wrong because I am dumb, because I am stupid and mentally ill and like pissing him off to start fights.  I got yelled at for 2 hours this weekend because I didn't know we had more markers and so I didn't outline an art project for Halloween dark enough.  I got yelled at this morning because I didn't have the reminder card from 6 months ago to prove his appointment this morning was at 10:45, and he got a text from the doc's office stating it was at 10, and he didn't tell me.  It was at 10:45 but I got yelled at for an hour as he got dressed, because I didn't wake him fast enough, and how I was mean and horrible for moving to the couch when he snores.  (I got up, tried to be quiet, he noticed somehow, assumed it was because I was "huffing and puffing in rage.  Things I don't do.  Ever.)

I am so tired.  I have 2 employees under me, tow youngish guys, and they got me a mug and some donuts for boss' day, and broke down into tears because it's the nicest thing someone's done for me in weeks. 

I just want to be left alone.  I can't find the trigger, I know he's mad at me for being sick, too, everyone seems to have some expectation I can "get better" from an immune disorder that is partly genetic.  I am so tired.  His snoring has gotten so bad I spend about 1/2 the night on the couch, which hurts my back after a while.  His migraines are also an issue, I am wondering if there is something underlying all of this super volatility that has been building since about the end of Augsut.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

He apologized for the last two bouts of yelling at me, calling me names, but I am just so tired.  I had the stupid 6 month old appointment card in my desk at work, where I manage things best, I have no space for paperwork at home he won’t fiddle with and lose things.  What’s his is his and what’s mine is his.

The card showed exactly what I’d told him.  His defense was he was sorry he got upset he’d been trying to not be upset.

But what about me?  I’m getting yelled or screamed for what?  Black outlines on a Halloween drawing?  Why do I always have to try to ‘not be upset’ after about 2 months of this level of unpredictable outbursts?  He made some comment he thinks I’m mad at him for snoring.  No, my feelings are hurt after two months of weird outbursts where you’ve called me names said you want a divorce, called me fat, said I’ve let myself go, that I’m a bitch since I got sick (he said I was a bitch before then too so what?), called me frigid and claims that me needing to be asleep before 2am means I a, turning him down all the time for sex (we both go to work at 8am).  Yah, the snoring is kinda nothing, the insults piled up are a bit of a big deal.

Stress activates my immune issues.  It makes me feel like I have the flu, causes fevers, which diminish me to just a blubbery mess.  I can’t handle this right now all I’ve wanted to do since noon is cry and cry and cry.  Sleep, be left alone and cry.  And if I just can’t snap back into what he thinks is appropriate displays of emotions I’m just going to get yelled at more. 

Is he just pretending he doesn’t say such things?  Is he disassociating that often?  Is there something in his brain that has broken more and causing the headaches and the sudden super rages?  He’s grabbed me and shoves me more in the last year or two than in the 20 preceding.  Yes, I know that’s bad, but wth can I do?  There is no where to go, he usually does this before bed, or in the morning.  He behaves at work.  He thinks he’s doing well to ‘try to not be upset’... but there was nothing to be upset about in the first place.

I didn’t make the car not read his phone.  Screamed at in a car while I’m driving at 75 miles an hour when he felt he was doing me a ‘favor’ coming to the first doc appointment that he almost makes me late, I’m shaken, and a mess.  And he didn’t even come meet my doctor or ask any questions.

I didn’t see a big deal about black outlines on shrinks dink’s he wanted to make.  I drew them even though I typically don’t use black outlines in my drawings unless it’s cartoony.  Here were, but my lines were too thin... get yelled at for 2 hours and it just went all over the place.

Stupid crap this morning.  I didn’t tell him the wrong time.  There was nothing to be upset about in the first place, you don’t get an award for trying to not be upset now.

I hate hate hate BPD.  Omg I just want a husband who won’t make me cry every few days.  Who will help me around the house even just a little.  Who won’t make it a chore to tell me what to buy at the store, but then complains if I don’t know what to get at the store.  Who won’t make me late for work.  Who won’t freak out if I have any friends.  Who isn’t jealous of every single person especially male I interact with.  He’s made insinuations about everyone from my gay much younger coworker to my much older conservative catholic boss.  Who can hold me without it feeling like he’s counting down to when he can let go.  I am just a mess.  I don’t even know what I’d Hope anyone would respond.  No one ever see,s to have much to say.

10 years ago I thought this would be ok, I was strong enough.  I’m not so strong anymore.  I’m just tired.  So tired, like no feeling but tired unless it today, then the feeling is I need to cry for hours. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Isilme-

I am so terribly sorry for what you’re enduring... for your sadness and your pain... for your current feelings of helplessness.

From what I’m reading, and have read of your posts, you are subjected to rather constant emotional and verbal abuse.  It seems the way things stand, you’re existing in complete reaction to him, his MOODS, his RAGES, and HIS reactions.  To everything and everyone.  And periodically, he tosses you a “bone” in the form of a compliment, which I know is hard to accept when you’ve been demeaned so frequently.  The emotional treatment in itself sounds debilitating.   I went through periods during my former marriage AND my current relationship where I experienced similar feelings.  Soul-stealing Feelings.

Your H seems to have little to no understanding or compassion for your autoimmune illness; and yes, illnesses of that nature ARE triggered by stress.  I’m certain it is near impossible for you to effectively manage your illness with a partner like your H.  That is incredibly unfair to you.

Isilme - I’m worried for you.  You’re on the Bettering Board.  However you’ve asked the question - “...but What can I do?”  And you ask that right after disclosing that your BPDh has “grabbed and shoved you more in the last year or two than in the last 20”.

My friend, you are being physically abused.  And although I honor the fact that we do not give “run” messages on this board, I am compelled to urge you to look at your situation honestly.  You are being physically abused, and that is NEVER okay... no matter what kind of triggers he may have.

Are you willing to address your question “what can I do?”  Because I believe there ARE options for you, other than completely accepting things as they are.

You are a young woman, Isilme.  If I recall correctly, you are only in your early 40’s.  To my way of thinking (I’m 62), you’ve got a LOT of good and potentially beautiful years ahead of you.

Do you wish to look at ways to improve your situation?  I’m NOT saying to pack your bags and LEAVE in the middle of the night.  I’m saying, let’s talk about things... really talk about how your life can look different - whether with your H or not.

I no longer believe adult love is unconditional.  A 19-year marriage to an NPD (with BPD traits) taught me that hard lesson.  With lots of work and therapy, My emotional “scars” are healing nicely and I no longer have weekly nightmares of his one night of violence against me.  AND I’m now in a pretty good relationship with my uBPDbf (6+ years).  There are conditions to THIS relationship now.  I learned about PD’s just 2+ years ago.

So Isilme... do you wish to address issues?  Nothing changes until something changes. 

I understand you feel helpless.  I want you to know that you’re not as helpless as you think.  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ray2017]

Isilme- I’m so sorry. I’m relatively new here, and you were so helpful and encouraging when I started posting. I’m sorry it’s been so rough for you. BPD is no fun to deal with, and I totally get wanting a supportive spouse, one you can truly count on (and I don’t have an autoimmune illness or anything!). When my H’s dysregulations or rages go through a pattern when they’re very frequent, I feel like the strength I’ve been building through learning tools here, self-care, etc. slowly erode until I feel stuck and helpless. I cognitively know that at some point I’m going to have to make a decision regarding my (and my kids) future that’s going to require me to be brave (to either stay or go is going to require bravery), and when I feel hopeless I have an inner dialogue that tells me I’m not brave enough to make a decision that’s going to be unpopular with someone (either my H or my friends/family that want me to leave).. I don’t know if that’s the same for you or not. I agree with Gems (who has also been so kind and empathetic with me) that adult relationships can be conditional. You told me a while ago you made the decision to stay, it was right with you. If that’s still the same decision and you are at peace with it, that’s great. But I do also believe that decisions can be revisited. And perhaps a dispassionate review of the facts (as hard as it is to not include reactivity in the situation because your feelings are valid!) of your situation could be helpful-  it could help deepen your resolve to stay, or perhaps it will be discovery that the opposite is what is needed.

I hope what i wrote is not insulting or sounds like a know it all. I hesitate to post anything because I really have such limited knowledge of successfully dealing with these situations. Again, I’m so sorry you’re enduring this and I hope you can find some peace.

[isilme]

Ray2017 and Gemsforeyes,

Thank you.  I know its bad.  It's not terrible.  I can't explain it, but anyone who's read my childhood history of two BPD parents as an only child isolated by their mental disorder and distance from all family, I guess it might make more sense?

My bar for okay must be pretty low compared to everyone else? 

I mean, no one is cutting, no one is hitting me with a belt, no one is running around the house with kitchen knives... so shouting and shoving seem more acceptable to me, even though I know it's not, not really.  I know bad.  Really bad.  And this isn't there so much.  I'm not scared, or terrified.   I have a few moments of that, when he does shove, and then he seems to realize what he did and back off. 

Most of the time I seem to be so relieved that the rage is over, I can "get past it" and move forward.  And, I am so instilled with the thought that I do bear a part of the blame if I react that I need to apologize for my actions in the fight, too.  I shout.  I avoid direct insults, but he takes insult to so many things as it is that doesn't matter.  I learned going back and trying to "discuss" things is useless, just reopens the fight as he tries to avoid shame and blame.

But yesterday and today I just can't.  I think I may have caught a small cold from someone, him, or in my own office, I'm on so many antihistamines and drugs to control allergic-type reactions if I have sniffles something is really wrong. 

He's still focusing on the snoring as if that is the sole reason I might be off yesterday and today.  I really need to wonder how much he's disassociating right now.  Like, he seems to know he's yelled, and gotten ugly.  But for me, with my stupid not-quite-photographic memory, I can remember at least the worst that was said, and it lives in me.  And there has just been so much lately. 

We had a very bad period in our late 20s, early 30s - he'd dropped out of school, wasn't working for a long stretch, then only part-time part of the year, and was emotional cheating left and right, and I never got a clear picture if it went further.  Then, he seemed to stabilize.  He got a job, he finished school, he finally proposed, we got married.

Then he got diagnosed with diabetes.  Ok, we'll change his diet.  Damn, those diet changes plus diabetes caused kidney stones.  Change his diet again.  Yay, no more stones.  Crap, I keep getting so sick and tired every fall-winter.  Like, crawl in bed don't come out till June tired.  Finally, get myself to a doctor and after about 4-6 months of tests and visits, find I've got mast cell activation disorder, I've had it my whole life, but it can be better managed/less triggered at some times over others.  Getting the flu in 2015 seems to have triggered it big time, and each winter since, I've lost a little ground. 

He's been mad he's sick.  He feels it's karma.  He thinks diabetes is a punishment for liking sweets too much.  And his mindset is "If I am being punished, I might as well be bad."  So he waffles, does great with sugar, then horrible, good about exercising, then horrible.  He tells me several times a week he's dying, maybe will live 5 more years (likely 40-50 more, based on his family but ok).  He hates how his mom sits on teh couch and won't move or clean her house... but sits and plays video games and won't help clean his house.  Cleaning is a huge deal.  I am reading on hoarding and can see how some things are triggered by a strange OCD mindset that paralyzes people with the inability to toss things. 

He's mad I am sick.  He knows he's an asshole if he says it, but he accuses me of being a lazy lump on the couch, and yet - laundry is clean, dishes clean, trash and cat litter are out, the lawn has been contracted to mow...

Yes, I am tied up in his moods.  I just have nowhere to go.  Being chronically ill, you lose friends.  If you look okay and can walk around a bit, or heaven forbid have a good day, they don't understand that the next you may be in bed, recovering from overdoing it.  So, even when I was super close and actively seeing friends regularly, I'd have had a hard time "running" to any of them.  The taboo of saying too much is very ingrained since childhood when I was trained to lie to CPS and school counselors.  Now, everyone has kids, I don't want to impose. 

I have no family.  None.  There is some superficial contact with some 1/2 brothers now and then,  but I didn't grow up with them - they are less close than coworkers who I see daily. 

I so much want a MOM to talk to.  Other women can run to moms or sisters, or BFFs.  But the only person I've ever had is just me. 

I've tried talking to his mom a few times, but it always backfired, and I can see she is a source of a lot of anger and rage.  Sometimes when he goes off on me, it's because he's mad at her, his sister, insert other women who've wronged him. 

I feel numb today.  I just want to sleep.  It's cool for here, cloudy and dark, my office is cold, I can't use a heater without blowing a fuse, so I'm sitting on a heating pad to keep my hands from going numb. 

I can have all the mental conversations in my head I want, but really... isn't it always down to stay or go?  I have no control over another person, just me.  I don't want to spend $$ on a hotel, we only have one car, it's a rural town with no public transit save an understaffed taxi service.  I've entertained and dismissed trying to live out of my office on really bad nights, but my pharmacopeia would likely out me even if my laundry didn't.  It's small, cold, and the floor is pretty hard, and the cleaning crew comes at weird hours.

I don't want to leave the house I've tried to make a home for 10 years.  I've never lived in one house for longer than 6, before this address.  2 other places tied for 6, everywhere else was 3 years or less. 

Sure, adult relationships can be conditional - but I am at a loss as to what conditions I can set and enforce if leaving is not an option. 

"I'm not going to be yelled at."  Ok, then what? 

The house has 3 interior doors.  One to the bedroom doesn't close all the way.  One to the bathroom.  One to an "office" where everything is shelves and desks and art supplies. Only the bathroom locks.  Trying to take refuge in one of those rooms just incites more rage, or leaves me trying to get rest in a bathtub or on the floor - the bedroom does not shut. 

I'm sorry, I am just so tired I cannot explain it enough.  The idea of a simple trip to a local pharmacy after work feels almost insurmountable.  I'll get an uptick of energy come 3 or 4 pm, when my histamine levels are at their lowest, but by 7 or 8pm I just want bed.  I hold off, to be sure I'm tired enough to sleep more of the night through.  Packing, making arrangements, and fighting while it happens is not something I can face. 

And I am so tired of this stupid disorder, BPD, costing me, well, life.  My parents robbed my childhood.  I don't want my husband's BPD costing me my home, and my life I've been working so hard on.  This is so unfair, and I am so tired, and it looks so bleak outside. 

I just want to know what the reason is that he's so on edge lately.  is it one of his medications?  Is he actually BPD and bipolar together, and the headaches are a product of his chemicals being more unbalanced?