I think my fear is she is just too far gone and looking for any little thing as an excuse to get out of this.
she may, in part, be. that may be how far things have gone. though that is hardly the same thing as being "done". i spent three years looking for that excuse and didnt leave.
all of the fighting, all of the resentment, indicates a certain level of attachment, albeit destructive. if she were completely done, she wouldnt be interested in any of that.
she is fighting, has been fighting for a very long time,
to be heard. people make breakup threats, or take steps to breakup, sometimes, in order to be heard. its thin ice when they do; its kind of like a last straw. it means they have partly grieved the relationship...they may not be completely done, but they may be leaning that way.
if shes looking for excuses, those excuses exist. right now there is no incentive to return to the relationship. even apart, its all heavy conflict and getting worse. if she came back right now, it would be a disaster; the two of you would be right back at it, possibly in even worse fashion.
but i think on some level, so are you (looking for excuses to get out of this).
with every conflict, youre more frustrated, more hopeless, more beaten up, more resentful, more "i might really be done this time".
its a valid place to be. but its a place thats really hard to repair a relationship from.
I guess I don't know how to put it into practice.
Make a Commitment to Stop Making it Worse
The first step is commitment.
it starts with commitment. whether it is to give up, or to reinvest, you want to make the best out of a tough situation. it means stopping the bleeding. acting constructively rather than destructively. choose a path, and put all of your eggs in that basket.
But, even if you have the capacity to do a particular behavior that is effective, you might still lack the motivation.
In situations of high negative emotion, when it is harder to do the new behavior, you are likely to think, "I don't really care about that now". In this emotional state, you fail to see the consequences of your actions.
So, you need to get to a balanced place in your mind in which you are broadly aware of your real relationship goals and not just your painful emotion of the moment. It is important to practice now, so you can get there in situations of duress..
by and large, it sounds like you are mostly motivated by self defense (and fear), and thats where your actions and responses are coming from. it isnt serving you. you are more focused in the moment and reacting to it than the big picture and what you are broadly trying to achieve.
it takes practice to change our emotional response. but commitment and motivation to the goals you have will help you.
Anticipate Your Impulsiveness
Even if you are highly committed to stop making things worse in conflict situations; you still need to practice a host of skills needed to stop.
When we are in the middle of enduring a verbal attack from someone else; our own reaction feels impulsive; like an unpredictable and overbearing urge. However; realistically; a lot of these situations are quite predictable. How many times have you had that fight? How many times has your partner said that particular hurtful and provocative thing?
if you look at these blowups, your partner, between all of the vitriol, gives you some very important clues. that is a good motivation to really listen. it gives you something you can work with.
for example, this time, she told you she took down the relationship status because she didnt want people wishing her happy anniversary. given where she is at in all of this, it makes sense. when my dad died, i got a lot of support. it was and is deeply appreciated. but i tend to be very private in my grief. i felt obligated to respond to the outreach, when i just wanted to grieve. its possible that any given person i took a while to respond to might have taken it personally; understandable, but that would have been to misread the situation. if that person laid into me, or pressured me, that would not have helped.
she said she shouldn't have to live by my standards of a marriage... I was crying the whole time and she just kept screaming and saying horrible things about me
i dont normally like to compare people with bpd traits to toddlers. they arent, and it isnt a helpful comparison, at least not directly.
i think it will help though, if you visualize how you might have responded if this was coming from a three year old having a breakdown.
your wife has huge, long standing resentments. she is venting them at you. shes throwing the kitchen sink. it is helpful to really listen to them (and this takes some doing. none of this was really about accusing you of having an affair). its not very helpful to take them personally or to respond from a place of woundedness. shes blowing off steam.
think about it. right now, on some level, youd probably love to tear into her, tell her all the hell shes put you through, how selfish shes been, how shes made you feel. would it help you if she responded defensively or made it about her? or would it help to feel acknowledged?
I kept asking if we could talk at another time when she wasn't so angry.
this wont help her feel acknowledged.
it is one thing to step away when she gets completely out of line, when things have broken down beyond the point of no return, when shes abusive.
its another, when you contacted her first to let her have it for removing her relationship status, to shut her down (lets talk when you arent so angry) when shes letting off steam.
Rehearse a New emotional response
Once you have identified typical triggers; you can anticipate that your partner will do them again. The more aware you are of the triggers; the less potent they will be. In a way; every time you imagine your partner saying that trigger and imagine that you respond in a kind way (or; at least; not in kind); you are reconditioning the trigger because you are changing the cycle.
right now, you are easily triggered by many things. and shes in a vindictive mode, either making digs at soccer, or accusing you of random things, or totally blowing up at you. responding in the same old ways means the dysfunctional dynamic is continuing in the same old way.
The difference between this example and visualizing the negative consequences of giving in is that the former uses your motivation to avoid negative consequences, whereas this one uses your motivation to achieve positive ones. Both can work rather well in the moment.
visualize. she is just a person blowing off steam. if you do the same, its just two people blowing off steam.
lastly, remember, big picture: this is not about each individual conflict. this is about years of resentment exploding to the surface. if you can remain level (within reason) and listen, really listen, it can be an opportunity.
