Just need to let off steam

[Parents! Get help here!]

First post and just letting off steam. Hopefully, most of you will understand. I took my 27 year old daughter out for a few hours today to cheer her up. Instead she managed to have a fight with the GP surgery, another with a lady in a charity shop because she felt the prices were too high, then literally ranted at me for the whole of the rest of the time about her dad and all his feelings, how rubbish my driving was, etc. It was a horrible, embarrassing and stressful afternoon, but fairly typical of how things are at the moment. I will always support her and make a point of spending time with her, but it leaves me feeling bullied and anxious. I know me and her dad, who she lives with, are the only people who will put up with her behaviour so she can safely let rip. But how do you deal with it? I know I am supposed to validate her feelings, but it's not always easy when other people clearly just think she is a horrible human being. It's exhausting.

[Every Storm]

First post and just letting off steam. Hopefully, most of you will understand. I took my 27 year old daughter out for a few hours today to cheer her up. Instead she managed to have a fight with the GP surgery, another with a lady in a charity shop because she felt the prices were too high, then literally ranted at me for the whole of the rest of the time about her dad and all his feelings, how rubbish my driving was, etc. It was a horrible, embarrassing and stressful afternoon, but fairly typical of how things are at the moment. I will always support her and make a point of spending time with her, but it leaves me feeling bullied and anxious. I know me and her dad, who she lives with, are the only people who will put up with her behaviour so she can safely let rip. But how do you deal with it? I know I am supposed to validate her feelings, but it's not always easy when other people clearly just think she is a horrible human being. It's exhausting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello EveryStorm
I am glad you found us. We get it. Life with a loved one who has BPD can be totally nerve wracking. Validating feelings does not mean accepting abuse. Boundaries and self care are important. What are you doing for yourself?

[Every Storm]

Thanks for asking. I try to look after myself with yoga and have started meditating this week as I don't sleep well and dealing with my daughter is making me very anxious generally.  I have found her a therapist and we have the second appointment tomorrow. I say we - she insists I go in with her to any appointment. The help here in the UK on the NHS for mental health issues is shockingly poor and they have actually made her worse I think. One let down after another really. This is a private therapist who seems very gentle and understanding so I am hopeful he can get her to trust him and offer some help. I might have to find my own counsellor I think!

[FaithHopeLove]

I have found that having my own therapist has helped a lot. We as parents are traumatized and suffering in our own way. Yoga and meditation are also good I hear although I am not an active participant in either.

[wendydarling]

Hi Every Storm.  

Along with Faith I welcome you. I'm glad you reached out for support and joined us!

I'm in the UK, and have been through NHS then on to private practice (July) these last four years since my DD was dx 2015 at 26.

Do let us know how it goes tomorrow.

WDx

[nonbordermom11]

Hi every Storm... you will love this site, such good people and  info. I know life can be pretty frustrating...read walking on eggshells and daughter with BP, I also listen to Jordan Peterson, he is very good. Remember to stay calm, be an example of behavior for her, use humor, de escalate when you can, distract and deter in social settings. Tell her you love her often. SET BOUNDARIES on behavior towards you, if she treats you badly, she will get the green light to treat others that way. That is huge...I always felt bad for her so I let myself be her whipping board, but that just reinforced the behavior. after all that go do something nice for you. My T told me today, they are born with it, we didn't cause it. But we are their moms, we need to teach them by example and limits. I hear great things about DBT, my daughter has the workbook. She chooses to live alone, less distraction and interaction. I think she is trying to work through all this. She feels bad after raging and coming unglued, she is trying...one day at a time...

[Every Storm]

Thanks for the welcome.
Re setting boundaries, I find this very hard. If I tell her that I found the way she speaks to me horrible and it makes me feel bad, she says 'well, how do you think I feel living with this every day?'. I told her that just because she felt worse it didn't mean other people's feelings are invalid. I just don't know how to set boundaries, so if anyone has examples of what works that would be great!
I also bought her the workbook but don't think she has even looked at it. There was a suggestion she has ADHD as well and she finds it hard to focus and concentrate.
As for what caused it, I also think she was born with a tendency towards it and can think of at least two close relatives who might have/have had undiagnosed BPD - my sister and my grandad... but I also think there have been a couple of triggers caused by me and her dad. She has always clashed massively with him and he doesn't deal well. Whereas I will tend to back off, he squares up to her - even when she was a teenager. It's a bad approach, but not sure mine is much better TBH as I have always failed to rein her in and tend to go for a quiet life.

[PeaceMom]

Every Storm,
We have a DD19 uBPD who lives here and I feel bullied and abused by her at least once daily. We have similar situation where DH could give it back to her verbally when he felt attracted (the Fight response to abuse), I have a Flight response or sometimes Freeze to her abuse. So I vanish or get busy with something else. Very difficult to establish boundaries here other than, I won’t be able to help you when you are screaming, raging, cussing, abusing me. I will walk away if you do this.
The problem for me is she still lives here so anytime she’s freaking out, I’m avoiding here.

How do you protect yourself with your boundaries?
Peacemom

[FaithHopeLove]

Since we are talking about boundaries I wonder id this helps Setting Healthy Boundaries

[wendydarling]

I have found her a therapist and we have the second appointment tomorrow. I say we - she insists I go in with her to any appointment

Have you been in therapy with her before? Is she insisting you attend as an observer, for reassurance?

The help here in the UK on the NHS for mental health issues is shockingly poor and they have actually made her worse I think. One let down after another really.

It is! What happened Every Storm?

Very difficult to establish boundaries here other than, I won’t be able to help you when you are screaming, raging, cussing, abusing me. I will walk away if you do this.

Peacemom is this working for you?

WDx

[PeaceMom]

WDx
I suppose it is working a bit. I can remove myself and she doesn’t run after me w/her verbal abuse like she used to do. I am quick to remove myself as soon as her raging begins, but I liken it to receiving the first blow to the head before one can run away from a fight. It is painful and leaves a mark!  I don’t think anyone can go thru hearing verbal rage and abuse without being affected.
Always looking here for wisdom from those who live w/A BPD who rages. I’m all ears!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders