I want my BPD ex wife back

[hardrockcy]

Hello friends,
My story goes like this.  

I met this beautiful woman when she was 29 as she was living alone in the same building 1st floor and I on the 2nd floor.  we started a very passionate relationship and in 3 months she became pregnant.  

All these 3 months were ok she had me on pedestal, but after she became pregnant problems of jealousy started.  

my son gets born, we give promises to get married, while we keep both apartments and we live ok.  we were living together but both flats were kept for more space, my flat mostly as my working place were i had my office.  

long story short, her behavior was changing gradually and  i started leaving on a roller coaster on a daily basis.  she didn't trust me at all and she was seeing girlfriends everywhere.  this situation was very often causing me too much stress, were i was founding shelter to my apartment till the storm ends.

at the point where my son was 4 years old, i moved entirely to my flat and we were just friends, going together in the weekends, but not leading one life under one roof.  i was asking her to change so as we be able to live together, but she was never calm in one mood.  things were going like this but we had good moments as well.

one year later when son was 5, i proposed her to marry me, where she accepted.  things were the same, great and loving when she was good but dark and shouting on her other side.  i used to tell her,  you are the day by day rule.  one day lovely and the next dark. if you want love, become love!  anyhow leaving together again, had a lot fights always escalated by her, due to jealousy mainly, without me giving her any cause.  i was there to see the fights she had with her girlfriends as well, that she doesn't talk to them now.  

this is the point where i started to search in the net to identify her problem/disorder.  and i ended up that she has BPD.  

we visited a lady psychologist as well 3-4 times, she fought with her as well and when i met her i asked her.  do you see traits of BPD to my woman?  she answered exactly! is this curable?  she said not really, but there are some methods that can help the couple.

just to be short, i left again a year after and moved to my apartment, due to the same behavior and for the good of my son, where he developed Alopecia Areata due to these shoutings day and night.  this period it was my decision to completely end the relation and so we didn't have much time together, rather for the son's own good.  

meanwhile very ugly  messages of criticizing me where on a daily basis. time past  and after a year passed where i really relaxed, despite her messages,  i started missing her and our family life.  i started doing some approaches for getting back together, but was scared so i could not make the big move!  she on her side never apologized for anything.  but i knew now how to treat her as BPD. with love love love, despite the nerves and shouts towards me.

finally last weekend to the mountains due to kids football tournament i tell her that we have to get back together cause i missed her, I love her and i know how i will treat her now (love) when problem was rising.  but she denied, telling me that she lost trust and that maybe after one month i will leave again.  i am not trustful she said. here she is right..

i insisted telling her i love u i want to take care of you, it is not about the kid but for you and she denied telling me that she moved on.  i asked her what do you mean?  do u date somebody? she never replied and i ended the story by telling her, we will soon be married i promise you this.  

the next day back home while texting i ask her again that i need to know if she sees somebody, so as if this is the reason, i better know to feel free from this bond and move on myself as well.  she didn't answer again.  but i am 90% sure that she met somebody lately the last 2-3 months.  

My question is: I want her back, more than ever now, how can i convince her return to me!

it was surely a turbulent relationship but love was deep inside.  Is she in the honeymoon period now with him?  should i wait for the honeymoon period to finish?  what is the best strategy?  push / pull?  keep constant contact or behave Cool and Zen being friendly and patient?  

I do really want her cause she is a lovely vibe social personality when ok.

[hardrockcy]

i left my ex that we share a kid s9 together, due to the verbal abusive hell i was living, but i never seek or gave closure as I was hopping that she will realize her mistakes and come to talk to me as a woman.

1,5 year past, we are living next door and she did some very dim attempts to make me come closer, like invitation to carnival or some other similar situations. the last 6 months her behavior changed she was quiet and silent and I liked it.  I said ok this is the woman I like, not the abusive I ll propose her to give it another try.
That was last May and she denied saying it is not whenever u want it. We had a big split again some years ago that lasted almost a year.

After her denial I become suspicious and after checking I saw that she was putting another man divorced older than me with 2 daughters.  I confronted her and she became very aggressive.  Last summer for me was living hell.

so early in Sept. when she texted me 'i am in a r/s whether u like it or not and he respects me' I decided to put closure and texted her 'ok I move on as well, learn what love is and thank you for this trial you put me and our son'.

One of the conversations I had the previous weeks 'I texted her, you did try to create a new r/s but you never tried to win back me and create the family that you always wanted'.  she didn't answer.

The moral of the story is that they are very very childish and ignoring them shows that you don't want them and so they move on as attention seekers.  They will never fight for the r/s never as complete women. At least mine that I suspect she is also NPD.

My brother, many times he packed his stuff pretending that he 'll leave and his wife never let him go, she always goes and stands at the door, with her hands open and tells him, 'where r u going, you are going nowhere'.  This is a woman with morals and family oriented person.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hardrock, What makes you think the outcome would be different if you reconnected?  Many of us here, including me, have engaged in one or more recycles only to wind up in the same place farther down the line, except with more pain.  Most BPD relationships are not built to last, sad to say, for the reasons you describe.

I think you did the right thing by getting out to protect your son from all the yelling.  Yet apparently you are rethinking your decision.

We are a pretty jaded bunch here on detaching, so you might find more sympathetic ears over on the Conflicted or Improving Boards.

LuckyJim

[Forgiveness]

1. You can't make her do anything. She is in control of her own self.

2. If she comes back to you, she will be exactly the same as before. Is this the life you want?

[confusedbybdp]

 
Thanks for telling your story.  You mentioned being in couples therapy a few times, but has your ex been diagnosed/treated for BPD?  I gather not, from what you wrote, but I wanted to ask.

If she hasn't, Hardrockey, I'm afraid if you go back to the r/s, everything you experienced will happen again, and even worse.  With each recycle of the r/s, the trust issues (which you mentioned she already has) just eat away at any chance of it being a healthy relationship.  Trust is a BIG problem with pwBPD. 

We all know the sense of longing for the "good times."  But you have to look at the whole package - everything.   Your ex is not just the good times, she's all of it - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It's sad, but it's true.