Obsessive Rumination

[Resiliant]

I am at a loss as to how to help my US30.  I realize that I can't "fix" him but I just wish I didn't have to see him suffer needlessly anymore.  Validation doesn't seem to be working. I'm at the point where I don't want to answer or read his multiple daily texts always about the same thing.    He feels traumatized by two events in our past, one that was in 2012 and one in 2017 where he butted heads with his stepfather and he can't let them go (he does not live with us).
It makes me sad to see someone so intelligent and talented not enjoying life because he is stuck with a never ending tape playing in his head.  Yet it doesn't matter what I say anymore he finds a reason to make it wrong.  I am trying the most compassionate validating things that I can think of and it's not enough.  It's like I'm trying to fill a bottomless pit.   Every morning when he wakes up this is all he thinks about.   Fortunately he is holding a job somehow, we will see how long this lasts because sometimes I'm getting 18-35 texts in a day while he should be working.  I know it is invalidating to ignore him but when I'm at work I can't be drawn into this so I usually wait until the end of the day (or sometimes the next day) before I will give him a response.  I have told him that I can't get involved in these conversations while I am busy with customers etc.   I have told him that we have hashed out the past enough and I would appreciate it if I didn't have to hear about it anymore but he can't let go.  What is this like for him, is like he is stuck with a radio playing the same song in his head and he can't shut it off?   Is anyone else dealing with this kind of obsessive rumination?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

You are not alone, Resilient. I threw my son and his gf out of the house three years ago because he was dealing drugs out of our basement. He is still fixated on it and blames me totally. I think it is because of his deep fear of abandonment. He is also consistently negative about absolutely everything. I can't remember the last time he smiled.

I think we are both doing the right thing by being as consistently loving and validating. Change, if it comes, is not likely to come quickly. We have to play the long game.

Hugs
Faith
 

[Resiliant]

Thank you Faith, you make me feel better.  I’ll hang in there. I guess as long as he is texting me he is reaching out to me.  Even if I just feel berated as I’m sure you do too.  Makes me think of Corinthians 13.   Love never ends.  We will get through this

[FaithHopeLove]

We are both going through a real test of faith but we have each other and this group and of course God who knows something about frustrating children.

[Resiliant]

Faith, I have to tell you that a few kind words from you changed my thought process today and I thank you for that.   I thought about His faithfulness, His mercy and His undying love with all of us and I found myself lifted.  All of a sudden, I realized what an inspiration and an example for us.  I haven’t been to church for years but while my husband was playing rock & roll and country music outside I found myself singing “Great is thy Faithfulness” while doing chores around the house.   I came to the realization that my problems in the grand scheme of things are really so small.  I hope that I can remember this next time that I feel overwhelmed and depressed.      

[FaithHopeLove]

Amen, Resilient. I try not to proselytize here out of respect for those whose beliefs differ but there is a reason my name is Faith. Faith is all I have.