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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Drama is addictive.  (Read 272 times)
Forgiveness
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« on: October 20, 2019, 12:22:08 PM »

I broke up with my girlfriend six days ago and now I'm feeling the empty space that drama once filled.

It's hard to sit with myself, alone. Drama is addictive. That's why people get addicted to Netflix and even the news.

And also this forum. When I'm low I find myself on here, wanting to help other people, or maybe just read through their stories. Is this also an addiction?  I wonder if all of us who like to help others may be caught in a caretaking role even on this forum. This can be super helpful but maybe it can be a distraction too.

I am trying to just be still and notice that I am enough. Life is good even as a single person. I miss my late (non bpd) wife but it's OK. I can be single and it's calm. It's lonely, but calm. I make a list of ten things to be grateful for every day. I take long walks. I connect with friends. I want to remove drama from my life and be able to sit with the loneliness sometimes. I want to live slowly and peacefully.

Anyone else in this situation? What helps you?
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Pytagoras
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« Reply #1 on: October 21, 2019, 04:17:13 PM »

Hello Forgiveness,

My r/s with my exBPDgf ended definitively 37 days ago. I was 26 days NC, then she contacted me to see if we could exchange our belongings, and now i am 7 days NC.

I feel that empty space. The relationship with my exBPDgf was so intense and fulfilled (even if mainly with negative stuff), that now i feel so much that void. Also, because she isolated me, and because i prefer now to be isolated and mourn. But we definitely feel that empty space and i think that is one of the most difficult issues to overcome.

It's very difficult to me to gain corage to go to the gym each time, but i've been there always and when the workout is over, i always feel calm. That's an example of one thing that works for me.

Time helps regulate that unbalance. And try to take care of you, doing some pleasurable activities. Nice things for you. Being with people that value you. Now you can. Before, with your ex-, i presume it was not easy to take care of yourself ;)

Take care.
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Turkish
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« Reply #2 on: October 21, 2019, 11:27:06 PM »

Drama may be addictive, or it may be that with which we are familiar, not knowing other than that.  We don't know what we don't know.  What do you think? 

I spent many years being attracted to "drama." Dramatic personalities told me I handled them well. It wasn't healthy. No one healthy needs to be "handled." My ex-FIL told me I handled his daughter well when I asked for her hand...   He couldn't. That's neither healthy nor normal. 
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Forgiveness
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« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2019, 11:36:40 PM »

Pytagoras, I'm glad you are going to the gym.

Turkish, wow that's quite a comment from your father in law.  It's a red flag in itself.

Today is day 9 and I'm already much calmer. I have to resist the urge to want to start dating again. I want to be able to be alone and quiet for a while.
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Turkish
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« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2019, 11:39:09 PM »

One, it was typical of their culture (She warned me); two, definitely  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) even given that. 
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: October 22, 2019, 05:14:33 PM »

Excerpt
I am trying to just be still and notice that I am enough.

Hey Forgiveness, Right, that's all you need to do.  You are already worthy, without the need to do or prove anything.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Become who you are, as Nietzsche said.  Strive to make your life a journey towards authenticity.  You don't need drama to be complete.  If anything, drama distracts one from one's own issues.  Now is the time to return the focus to yourself.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
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« Reply #6 on: October 22, 2019, 06:17:14 PM »

Excerpt
And also this forum. When I'm low I find myself on here, wanting to help other people, or maybe just read through their stories. Is this also an addiction?  I wonder if all of us who like to help others may be caught in a caretaking role even on this forum. This can be super helpful but maybe it can be a distraction too.

it can be. so can working in a soup kitchen  Being cool (click to insert in post)

a support group is what you make of it. im here years later, to help others, of course, but to keep learning.

human beings need (are wired for) connection. and yet, connections can be unhealthy.

and sometimes grieving just leaves a void  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

slowly, over time, we fill that void. ideally, with healthy things, though not always.

Excerpt
I make a list of ten things to be grateful for every day. I take long walks. I connect with friends. I want to remove drama from my life and be able to sit with the loneliness sometimes. I want to live slowly and peacefully.

these things will fill up your life. a sense of normalcy and routine are important, even as we grieve, and acknowledge our grief. they keep us connected.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
confusedbybdp
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« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2019, 02:56:54 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
I read through your posts and wanted to add a few thoughts.  It occurred to me today, about 5 months out of an intense (what else?) uBPD relationship, that I am slowly picking up pieces of myself and putting them back together.  By the end of our (only!) 18-month relationship, I had pretty much been swallowed up by his disorder, and barely recognized myself.  It has taken time, and I am still working on it, but almost every day, I "reclaim" a little more of the person I used to be before the relationship.  It feels good, but it is hard-fought and hard-won.  I think we will all be stronger people when all is said and done.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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Plucky1980
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« Reply #8 on: October 24, 2019, 02:08:17 AM »

Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
I read through your posts and wanted to add a few thoughts.  It occurred to me today, about 5 months out of an intense (what else?) uBPD relationship, that I am slowly picking up pieces of myself and putting them back together.  By the end of our (only!) 18-month relationship, I had pretty much been swallowed up by his disorder, and barely recognized myself.  It has taken time, and I am still working on it, but almost every day, I "reclaim" a little more of the person I used to be before the relationship.  It feels good, but it is hard-fought and hard-won.  I think we will all be stronger people when all is said and done.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)



Confused,

Your name says it all, really. And probably describes how we all feel/felt at some point.

Don't beat yourself up about it 'only' being 18 months because I really don't think time matters. My relationship lasted a year, It has been nearly 10 months of zero contact since she dumped me (for the 4th time) in January, and I'm still putting my life and my daughter's life back together.

These relationships seem to leave a deep scar that clearly can take a long time to heal.
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BrokenSpokane

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« Reply #9 on: October 28, 2019, 11:10:18 AM »

Thanks for sharing, Forgiveness. I can relate to many stories here as well. The drama is addicting. I think for me, it's the 'high' when things are going well. Man, my exBPD made me feel so special, so cared for, like I was the only one in the universe for her. But, honestly, the sex was great too. She used sex as a tool to keep in hooked, manipulated. So, I was addicted. I still find myself thinking about her sometimes.

How she love bombed me and how she used sex with me is addicting. She was a drug. The best way to stop using a drug is to not make the drug available to me.

I so relate to your story. I too lost myself. I allowed myself to be isolated from my friends and family. They all saw what she was doing, I didn't.

I'm doing today what makes me happy. Spending time with friends and family again. Doing the things I enjoy doing. Having that freedom again is intoxicating. She guilted me so badly, all I did was what she wanted to do... Which was nothing. Sit around the house and do nothing.

I'm out on my, "Freedom" tour. Making new friends, hiking, running, biking, going to movies, spending time with my kids. The more I do this stuff, the less relevant she becomes.

And, by the way... Sex after the exBPD is still great. She didn't hold a monopoly in great sex.
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