Im not disturbed by any of it anymore - a reconnection with 'peace'

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Sometimes I think the main issue in the relationship was whilst in the midst of it, not knowing anymore what I actually wanted.

2 weeks after going no contact, I recall waking up one morning it was nothing special of a day, but I felt for the first time in years a calmness.

One of the members here in the midst of outlining my situation used the phrase "wishing you find your peace Cromwell".

It stuck out at the time, the idea of "peace" had been so remote as to have became non-existent. I had not experienced it for so long.

How about you? For all that has been experienced, is peace something goal-worthy? Or is there a preference to having the nervous system stimulation that these drama-laced relationships are so often built upon.

I guess I appreciate it far more today than I once did, over a year apart and welcoming it back in. Also that a peaceful life does not have to be a boring one.

I wish to take those wishes given so long ago from another member and relay and revive them here with thanks - I managed to. When it became something truly important to me to want to happen. I learned from this that peace is not a default baseline state, it has to be worked for in some way and not automatic. If I had put more weighting towards it, demanded more of it, perhaps I would not have tolerated all I had, for as long as I did.

Thanks as always to all you folks for helping me through.

[Cromwell]

Sometimes I think the main issue in the relationship was whilst in the midst of it, not knowing anymore what I actually wanted.

2 weeks after going no contact, I recall waking up one morning it was nothing special of a day, but I felt for the first time in years a calmness.

One of the members here in the midst of outlining my situation used the phrase "wishing you find your peace Cromwell".

It stuck out at the time, the idea of "peace" had been so remote as to have became non-existent. I had not experienced it for so long.

How about you? For all that has been experienced, is peace something goal-worthy? Or is there a preference to having the nervous system stimulation that these drama-laced relationships are so often built upon.

I guess I appreciate it far more today than I once did, over a year apart and welcoming it back in. Also that a peaceful life does not have to be a boring one.

I wish to take those wishes given so long ago from another member and relay and revive them here with thanks - I managed to. When it became something truly important to me to want to happen. I learned from this that peace is not a default baseline state, it has to be worked for in some way and not automatic. If I had put more weighting towards it, demanded more of it, perhaps I would not have tolerated all I had, for as long as I did.

Thanks as always to all you folks for helping me through.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Cromwell 

It's wonderful to hear your good news! This is much needed encouragement here, especially for those of us still in the midst of the 'stuff.' I am far enough along to recognize the great value in your words, that

I learned from this that peace is not a default baseline state, it has to be worked for in some way and not automatic.

It does take work, and at the same time sometimes the quiet peace can find us unexpectedly, can't it? Like you mentioned waking up, and it was there. I've found that peace can be elusive, but I do strive for it and reach for it. The rewards are well worth it!

Thank you for sharing this!

 
Wools

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cromwell, Right, moving on is about reclaiming one's "peace."  As you note, it's hard to find cover in the midst of the BPD hurricane.  I'm glad to hear you have come out the other side, which leads to greater happiness, in my view.

LJ

[blueblue12]

Well said Lucky Jim!
It has taken me a couple of years, but now I feel that calmness and I am feeling peace, finally! Plus the realisation that there was nothing I could have done better and that it wasn’t all my fault as I was led to believe.

[Lucky Jim]

now I feel that calmness and I am feeling peace, finally! Plus the realisation that there was nothing I could have done better and that it wasn’t all my fault as I was led to believe.

Back at you, Raul: nicely put.  Right, there's usually nothing one could have done to change the outcome.  Just the way it is with BPD.  No, it wasn't all your fault, as those w/BPD would have you believe!

LJ

[Cromwell]

Hi and thanks, this is a message to give hope to all. The peace - it is not by itself, it comes alongside it with happiness and the experience of both - a double whammy - it is emotional it was almost, that morning, euphoric.

It taught me that there is something within the soul that can be tapped into - it only needs to know "how?"

Woolspinner, I understand more about that morning today then I did at the moment. I awoke to an overcast day, rain drizzle, an empty house and looked out towards an empty street, no sounds of anything, complete stillness. There was no texts, no voicemails, despite reflexively checking for them. Something "clicked", I was truly at that moment alone but not lonely, I enjoyed it, id also started to get a proper sleep prior and felt the benefits of that too - progress via lack of sensory overload - tapping into the lifeforce of calmness. It did not last, the day went on, but that moment was important enough to remember vividly and recall today.

Lucky Jim, the happiness is built on a rebuilding effort of newfound self confidence. The mentality that it can be found not dependent on another.

Right, got to close and commence my non-bpd themed Friday night entertainment.

[BrokenSpokane]

Thank you for sharing. I know a glimpse of what you are referring to and I long to have more. Now that I'm not in the relationship anymore, I don't have that anxiety of fearing what I did or said. My exBPD would always find something to criticize, blame or belittle me for. I find I can just be me today.

All my friends, family are glad I'm, 'back'. Meaning, I'm more open, I talk, I'm outgoing again and not so closed off. I feel a sense of freedom and relief in my life. I'm starting to believe in myself again. I really am a good person. I'm kind, generous, outgoing, honest, caring and pleasant to be around. For so long I was told I was the opposite and I was beaten down emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I'm not quite at the peace you describe, but I want to be there and it will just take more time.

You are so right in saying that there is nothing you could have done better, for there would have been something else. It's a whack-a-mole game. I too was blamed and I accepted it, but you're right, it's not my fault.

Thanks for sharing and send some of that peace my way

[Rev]

Sometimes I think the main issue in the relationship was whilst in the midst of it, not knowing anymore what I actually wanted.


Yes! And for me, attached to this is that I have been "trained" in my life to not really believe that what I wanted could ever come first, or second, or maybe even third.   So, I never demanded anything in return, because I really didn't know that I should. So like the proverbial "frog in boiling water", when the hater phase arrived, I had no idea what the hell was going on.

Peace is of course a worthwhile goal, but I would add that it's a state of being rather than a destination in of itself. For me, peace is a question of being able to face the tougher stuff in my current life without being triggered by the former one into feelings of shame. It has meant some changes to my life - I simplified it. And I do not watch TV much, if at all, anymore. I listen to music, read and you-tube very occasionally. TED talks are awesome.  And I am focussing on eating better as well as getting some exercise by using the stairs and walking more.

And this forum is helping too...

Rev

[Cromwell]

Thank you for sharing. I know a glimpse of what you are referring to and I long to have more. Now that I'm not in the relationship anymore, I don't have that anxiety of fearing what I did or said. My exBPD would always find something to criticize, blame or belittle me for. I find I can just be me today.

Hi BrokenSpokane,

Getting to the stage of ending the relationship is a huge moment by itself. Some of the benefits, amidst the negatives are instantaneous. For me it was also a 100% removal of a source of new layers of anxiety to have to deal with, zero arguments, sleights, put downs, zero having to endure new problems. Actually there was residual stalking from her to deal with, but in the main - there was newfound peace by going no-contact.

All my friends, family are glad I'm, 'back'. Meaning, I'm more open, I talk, I'm outgoing again and not so closed off. I feel a sense of freedom and relief in my life. I'm starting to believe in myself again. I really am a good person. I'm kind, generous, outgoing, honest, caring and pleasant to be around. For so long I was told I was the opposite and I was beaten down emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

For all the positive and functional attributes, the fact of having been "beaten down" to such an extent - was something I had to reflect on. Why did I allow it - what did it say about myself, boundaries, and what could have been done better to avoid it and in the future. I thought being a generally good or nice person would be sufficient in a relationship, it had been up until this one, I still believe these are positive qualities to bring forward, but the new version of myself that has evolved is less tolerant more assertive, to borrow a word that stands out from Rev "demanding". Unfortunately, ive found that being kind, generous, honest, caring etc, only works in the right relationship where these qualities are appreciated and cherished as opposed to be seen as "weaknesses to exploit".

I'm not quite at the peace you describe, but I want to be there and it will just take more time.

Well done so far, it took beyond just the physical separation there is the emotional and spiritual elements you mention too. The key for attaining peace from this had to involve detachment in all these forms - time helped but at the root of all this is complexity that runs deeper than the relationship itself on the face of it. Unravelling the intensity of emotional enmeshment is not some task to work hard through one night and resolve by sun rise. Keep going, you are doing great.

For me, peace is a question of being able to face the tougher stuff in my current life without being triggered by the former one into feelings of shame. It has meant some changes to my life - I simplified it. And I do not watch TV much, if at all, anymore. I listen to music, read and you-tube very occasionally. TED talks are awesome.  And I am focussing on eating better as well as getting some exercise by using the stairs and walking more.

Hi Rev, some of the unpleasant emotions such as shame, I learned they also have their value it is more about the emotional judgement given to them that has taken some skill to develop. I feel shame mostly for "stuff I should have done - but did not" - the key is rather than avoid the thoughts, or the triggers that might bring them forward - but to accept them for what they are "thoughts" and nothing more, nothing less.

Trying to avoid a thought like shame is like trying to iron water, it creates more ripples - there is not a single trigger today - music inspired (a big one) or otherwise that can undermine my state of mind or mood - today - but it took time to get to the stage of detaching and accepting, viewing these thoughts as a passive observer and not giving them judgement - in the process not judging myself, for this is also something only ourselves have the choice and power to actually do. The net result of not passing judgement on these thoughts, of her, myself or otherwise - indifference eventually. To simply and categorise a very unique and highly complex set of circumstances and give it a single label to then illicit a relevant emotional response. Why bother? It lacked not only accuracy it was reinforcing the attachment. The less labelling and judgement of thoughts, the more indifference to it all. Maybe experiment if you like, the next trigger, to pause and not pass judgement but to watch as if an observer with interest, like a cat observing with curiosity the hole in the wall that a mouse may emerge from at any time, unexpectedly, yet no immediate need or compulsion to react upon.

A good motivator for the walking since I got a new phone is the 10,000 steps a day counter. It feels now strange not to reach it.