What do I do when he's self harming?

[hopeandchoices]

Hello people, hope everyone is okay.

I am looking for some help with what to do when my boyfriend self harms. When he has an episode that's really bad, he has uncontrollable urges to hurt himself. He has said in the past it's through self-hatred, it's what he deserves, and he's been doing it since he was a little child so it seems the natural thing to do for him. When the urges come on, it feels like the only thing he should do, he's consumed by the thought and urge.

I see posts about cutting and burning on here, but I find it hard to take advice from those forums as by boyfriend doesn't cut (he did when he was younger for a bit but never in the 6 years i've known him) - he hits his head with his hands and off walls/furniture. It is EXTREMELY hard, he has concussed himself many times, and has cranial fluid run down his nose now after. His face swells up and he has bruises and black eyes. The movements can be frenetic and sometimes he puts literally every muscle into it. I've never seen anyone get hit as hard as he does to himself, even in boxing matches. It's terrifying. When he whacks his head off the walls or bed, it's so hard he sometimes collapses. It's the only thing he does that stops him from committing suicide.

Thus far I have often had no idea what to do. It used to happen rarely, and he'd feel guilt and shame but recover. Now it happens every day. Has been like this for a few months. Both in secret and when I am there. It is so scary that I often react badly and scream or cry to get him to stop, trying to grab his hands but I KNOW this is not the right thing to do. I just don't know what else I CAN do. Do I just sit there and watch, knowing he's doing serious, potentially permanent brain damage? Twice I have called the ambulance when it has got really bad. He saw this as me trying to get rid of him, send him away so I don't have to deal with it. In truth I was terrified for his safety and didn't know what to do, so that's why I called them.

I've taken some time away (a week off, because I could tell I was making things worse for him in crisis and SI moments), which has been hard for him as he's told me nothing has changed and he is still hurting himself every day. I asked if he felt I could come back and try to support him better but he said he doesn't see the point in me leaving for a week, having a 'holiday from having to deal with it' and then just coming back when nothing's changed. I actually get his point, if I go back now I still won't know what to do when he hurts himself. How do I show him I'm there for him and how can I support him without getting upset/scared/trying to stop him out of fear of his safety? I don't want to take his coping mechanism away when he still needs it but I also have no idea what to do when I'm with him and he's violently abusing himself. He sometimes shuts the bedroom door and does it, if I come in he'll still do it in my presence but tell me to go away because I'm doing nothing. Sometime's he'll lock himself in the bathroom and I am scared he'll jump out the window. He also breaks things.

Please, if anyone has any idea of what I should do, how I should respond and behave to support him when he's self-harming, please help me. All the advice online is tailored to parents who have a teenager who is cutting. I have no idea how to respond to my partner violently smashing up his head every day. At the moment I cry, try to restrain him, which is the wrong thing to do, or I leave and he is abandoned and alone and I am terrified of what he's doing in the other room. I feel so helpless, literally. He is seeing a therapist but I don't know if they're covering self harm at all, he hasn't discuss it with me and is changing to a different T in a couple of months so I don't know if there's been much progress.

ANY advice at all, I would be so grateful for. Thank you all xx

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[once removed]

i had a close friend who hit himself in the face. its really terrifying to see from a loved one. i can imagine how scared and helpless you feel, especially with this going on every day.

have you been in touch with suicidal ideation professionals? they are likely to be able to advise you on how to best support him when this is going on.

does anyone else know about this? his work? your family? his family? your friends or his friends?

[hopeandchoices]

Thank you for replying - I haven't got in touch with any professionals myself, I will see who there is online. I'm in the UK, so I wouldn't be able to contact any professionals on the NHS unless I signed up for their help, which would mean a year long waiting list. So I will email around and see if anyone else can give some free advice just out of kindness. I just don't know what I am going to do next time he has a really bad episode. I am terrified.

My family knows, his family doesn't (he doesn't really have a family to be honest) and some of my friends know, but can't do anything or advise anything, they just feel awkward when I mention it as they know it's beyond their experience (I am a student so most of them haven't seen anything like this before as we're quite young). He doesn't really have any friends, and any old ones he might be in contact with I don't think he tells them anything is wrong. They certainly don't know he's mentally ill and I'd be surprised if any knew he hurts himself. He is unemployed, so no one at work to know about it. It's basically just me and my parents.

I feel like my presence is just making things a lot worse and a lot harder for him. I have somewhere to go for two weeks, and then I will go to my parents for a couple of weeks for the xmas break before coming back for my exams in january, but if I leave I am scared that he will feel so alone and isolated and abandoned, and i'm scared of what a dark place he might go to alone. I left to the spare place I have for 2 weeks for one night, and he emailed to say that he didn't understand why he had been left alone, hurting himself every day, and didn't know what he was supposed to do. That said, me being here seems to just anger him and make it worse when I don't know what to do to help. He says he just wants me to 'do something' to help. I have no idea what that looks like. He won't talk to me at all, so I can't even validate his feelings or actively listen, because he won't share with me. I get why he might not want to talk, because I've gotten things wrong and made things worse in the past so many times that it's safer for him not to, but it also means that I can't know what I am doing wrong or right and I just end up not doing anything! Which is worse than not being here maybe? I just don't know what to do. I feel like no matter what I did to help, because it came from me and we have such history, and because at the moment he really hates me, it wouldn't help. If it came from someone else, maybe it would, but from me - it's automatically frustrating, annoying, angering to him. He wrote to me that he think I hate him and just want him to go. I have never wanted this, I am so loving and I am trying so hard - so I really believe that he is projecting his feelings on to me - that he hates me and wants me to go. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what is the right thing. At this point I don't know if I can handle being hated by the love of my life, so I genuinely just want him to feel safe, recover, build his life, with or without me. I just don't know what to do every second I feel so uncertain.

[GaGrl]

Does your school have counseling services? (I am in the U.S.,came out colleges and universities provide student counseling services.).

If so, tell them what you are dealing with. They can advise you.

[hopeandchoices]

I used up my allowance of sessions at uni last year, before I knew he had BPD I could reapply but the waiting list is months long, so I think I will have finished my degree by the time I get a slot! I will apply anyway though and see, thank you for the suggestion.

[missyou]

Hi Hopeandchoice Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
How are things going for you?
Any signs of improvement with BF?
Are you finding some time for support and self care?   It's easy to get run down and feel overwhelmed by our pwBPD, especially if we don't take care of ourselves.
Having said that, it's sometimes easier said than done.   Even if you just have a cup of tea and listen to some favorite music, might be a quick soothing pick up.
Hugs to you, take care and stay strong.
MY