Our wedding anniversary is next week and she doesn't want me to acknowledge it

[Stillhopeful4]

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think practically. whats going on with the dog? is it urgent? are you expecting to hear anything new? is it something you would normally do? can it wait?

i would consider all of those things.

Yes, I would normally ask about him.  He's a sick dog.  But right now I'm not going to ask because I don't want to be accused of using him.

Here's a little update from yesterday:
I went to my son's soccer game.  After the game I came down from the stands and to my surprise she was standing there.  I said hi, while waiting for my son to come off the field.  She completely ignored me.  I said nothing else and waited for my son.  When he came off the field he said hi to me and then he went over to her and said hello.  She turned and walked away.  When my son and I got in the car he said she had been there since the 1/2.  Clearly she chose not to come sit in the stands with us.  Which is her choice.  But for her not to even acknowledge me when I said "hi"?  

At this point I'm not sure what I'm feeling.  It's becoming pretty clear that she has more of these "avoidant" traits than I ever realized and at the end of the day I need to accept this is who she is and that she will never be emotionally available to me or anyone.  All of these feelings are heightened by the fact our wedding anniversary is next week and she's made it clear that she doesn't want me to acknowledge it in any way shape or form.

SH4

[Enabler]

It's becoming pretty clear that she has more of these "avoidant" traits than I ever realized and at the end of the day I need to accept this is who she is and that she will never be emotionally available to me or anyone.  All of these feelings are heightened by the fact our wedding anniversary is next week and she's made it clear that she doesn't want me to acknowledge it in any way shape or form.

Try and avoid extrapolating out meaningful stuff from her actions. You can easily interpret stuff incorrectly and it's a bit of a lottery. Allow her actions to wash past you. You may be right, you may be wrong, you just don't know. "That interaction was peculiar" might be a better thought.

Was there any reason she might be there other than to watch you or your son?

Enabler

[Stillhopeful4]

No other reason for her to be there.  Just that she rarely participates in things for the kids and she feels inadequate about it, don't want to be there but feels she has to so I don't look like mother of the year.  She knows their father NEVER goes to any of their games and has said shes more of a parent than he is because she does go to some things.  (She doesn't go out of her way, if she has something else going on she will go to that, but if she has nothing going on she will go to a game.  Her new place is about a 1/2 mile from my sons school).

She texted me this morning to Remind me that one of my puppies has a dr's appointment, with the dog she took, tomorrow and that she will be picking him up at 7:30.  I responded "Ok thank you".

So this is my plan.  I'm not going to react to anything.  I'm not going to say anything when she picks up or drops off the dog.  (I doubt she will say anything when she picks him up and if I don't engage with anything she might say something when she brings him back) If she wants to talk to me she can and I will listen.  But I doubt she will as my boys will be home this weekend.  She's not much for face to face, she would rather do it over text.

[once removed]

But for her not to even acknowledge me when I said "hi"? 

she didnt say hi because the two of you have been going at it and shes angry. remember, thats the mode shes in. its good that you didnt push. i know it sucks to be ignored, by anyone.

Just that she rarely participates in things for the kids and she feels inadequate about it, don't want to be there but feels she has to so I don't look like mother of the year.

it is a better sign than not, that she showed up to the game and to support your son, and despite her anger and what was likely to be an uncomfortable situation, yes? thats a family oriented move.

I'm not going to say anything when she picks up or drops off the dog.

theres a fine line between reading the situation and putting up walls. avoid doing the latter.

shes made a couple of overtures that she didnt have to make. you dont want to read more into that than is there, but it isnt nothing. she isnt giving you the finger or cursing you out or accusing you of affairs.

if you sense that shed really rather not talk, and shes pissy, ok. dont push.

otherwise, no harm in the bare minimum of politeness.

in terms of goals: the more interactions you can stack up in the short term that dont involve conflict, the better.

[Stillhopeful4]

it is a better sign than not, that she showed up to the game and to support your son, and despite her anger and what was likely to be an uncomfortable situation, yes? thats a family oriented move.

Yes, it is a family oriented move.  I'm not trying to read into it at all.  But it does make me stop and think ...why?  Why is she there?  She walked out on us and wants to move on with her life.  She didn't invite him to her little family gathering, why show up to his game.  I'm not looking for an answer...just makes me wonder.

otherwise, no harm in the bare minimum of politeness.

in terms of goals: the more interactions you can stack up in the short term that dont involve conflict, the better.

I agree politeness is key.  Yes, this is my goal, interactions without conflict.

[Enabler]

You'll know if she is receptive to conversations. I would be conscious of that receptiveness changing mid conversation, don't push things to far and keep them light. Changing the subject or pleasantly 'moving on' the conversation if it feels like she is slightly triggered is better than embroiling yourself in another argument. I find the typical cue for me is my W sounding even slightly defensive... that could be in the first words... it might not.

Observing her actions is good data. They often don't align to words. Actions sometimes speak louder than words and turning up to your step-sons football game doesn't quite line up with the narrative she speaks.

[once removed]

But it does make me stop and think ...why?  Why is she there?  She walked out on us and wants to move on with her life.  She didn't invite him to her little family gathering, why show up to his game.

isnt the likely answer that she was there to support him (her family gathering was a completely different setting).

whether she is walking away from the relationship, or isnt sure...

one of my best friends (who has a son) has been in a years long dysfunctional relationship that is finally coming to an end. the two of them saw a couples therapist to determine the best way to split, and also the healthiest way he can still be in the childs life.

ask any member here who has been through a breakup that involved a child that wasnt biologically theirs. its hard enough detaching from the romantic relationship. with the child(ren), its a whole nother kettle of fish.

she has a history and a bond with him. despite all of the pain involved between you and her, she would not want him to think that her love for him has ended.

[Stillhopeful4]

Observing her actions is good data. They often don't align to words. Actions sometimes speak louder than words and turning up to your step-sons football game doesn't quite line up with the narrative she speaks.

Hi Enabler,

Yes I agree.  Here words and her actions, OFTEN, don't match!

My theory on her showing up to his game is more about her.  She goes to a lot of her boss's/BFF (who is a long time acquaintance of mine..like 20 years long) son's football games.  I don't think she wants to look like a complete DB by going to boss's son's games and not going to my kids games.  My W is all about how she looks to others.  Her boss is VERY family oriented.  And I know my T has told me that my W is really struggling with just walking away from her entire family, the only family she has because of how it will make her look to others.  So who knows, maybe she shows up just to post pics on social media so her friends don't think she's a complete butt hole for just up and leaving.  Because her story was that I don't love her and I don't want her...yet guess who's profile picture has never changed in the past 5 months?  MINE, me and her and a pride thing Love is Love...my profile still says I'm married to her and I'm the one still wearing my wedding ring.  So again, her words don't match her actions.

SH4

[Stillhopeful4]

with the child(ren), its a whole nother kettle of fish.

she has a history and a bond with him. despite all of the pain involved between you and her, she would not want him to think that her love for him has ended.

Love the Kettle of fish bit.

I'm not so sure about this...yes, he is the youngest...he's 16 and she's been in his life since he just turned 6.  He was by far her favorite.  I'm going to start with I know this isn't my kids fault and this has been coming to a boil for many years.  The night of the breakdown when she decided it was over over, he said something very very nasty to her.  It was true, but nasty none the less.  She did not say a word and she walked out.  I know her realizing that he knew the truth about her, KILLED her inside.  And, as I stated above, she is really really BIG on what people think of her... so I am sure that blow up with him that night played into this...even though it was coming anyway... I think it was the straw that broke the camels back!

SH4

[once removed]

youre thinking she went to the trouble of going to the game to protect her self image?

thats a lot of trouble. what did she have to gain? from whom?

The night of the breakdown when she decided it was over over, he said something very very nasty to her.  

i can imagine that she would not want to leave things there. i can imagine he wouldnt, ultimately, either.

how it will make her look to others.

of course she cares about this, SH4. anyone would. its not usually nefarious to try to keep the peace publicly, or to grieve privately, or to show up at a game.

i dont want to belabor the point. i think youre still seeing all of this from a really defensive and fearful position. whats going on and how its playing out makes a lot of sense. theres a lot of resentment, there has been a lot of (recent) conflict, but i think despite all of that, whichever way she is leaning, she doesnt want to be your enemy, or your sons.

[khibomsis]

SH4, it is hard to be where you are right now. I think you are doing great, working on yourself and trying to  understand what hooks you in. What I do to deal with my abandonment issues is to affirm my wounded child ("it is hard to feel so alone") and then to remind myself that I am an adult now. I have power now that I did not have then. Maybe it would help for you to remember that you are working from a position of strength? One of you is sane, and that implies a responsibility to be stable. The worst thing that can happen right now is for both of you to be wounded waifs at the same time. Your issues will spark each other and conflagration will be the inevitable result.
 
The situation with you and your wife is a long history of conflict. Think of each fight kind of like an overdraft facility, you have been drawing on it and drawing on it until there is very little left.  What you need now is to create positive experiences, even if they are just a minute or two at a time. Little by little this will make a dent in the history of conflict and start to reduce the deficit.
 
Try not to attach to outcome ("will she come back, won't she?"). Instead work on being connected, not attached ("I understand it must be stressful for you right now"). It is great that you take time out to self soothe, and if you negotiate it carefully ("darling, I take a couple of hours out every Thursday afternoon to walk, so that is really not a good time to stop by the house and demand my attention") she will eventually get used to it. Remember, you are not responsible for the dysregulation. Don't get caught up in it. Focus on building small positive experiences from your everyday interaction.

I would make a big deal out of the anniversary, and reduce her anxiety by letting her know in advance that this is what is being planned. You have nothing to lose by showing the occasion respect. Prepare for possible rejection and rehearse responses that will leave you respecting both the occasion and yourself. With time you will learn to recognize the regularity of her boomerangs. Catch her when she comes close ("How's the dog doing?") and when she bounces away enjoy the time focusing on yourself and the kids. Work on making the close times longer and be peaceful during the away times. She will notice the peace and come back all the sooner to be part of it.
It is a long road back. But you are not going to be able to deal with the big issues until you have stabilized things a bit, and that involves making lots of small positive deposits in the bank of love. Corny metaphor I know
  
Personally I think there is hope. You are both going through a major life crisis, but you both showed up at son's game. Don't question her motives. Just tell yourself, well done fam! And move on to the next thing that needs doing.
 
  

[Stillhopeful4]

Thanks Once Removed & Khibomsis

Personally I think there is hope.

Here is my weekend update...oh where to begin.

So she had texted me on Friday to remind me that one of my dogs had a vet appointment Saturday morning and she would be picking him up and taking him and she gave me the time.  Saturday arrived and she arrived, opened the garage door with her opener, I walked 1/2 way down the stairs with the dog and she handed me the opener.  I said nothing, no facial expressions, no reaction at all.  (Now she is well aware we have a key outside that everyone uses to the front door).
She said when I come back I need to get some things out of the basement.  I said ok.  She took the dog and left.  She came back, I went outside got the dog.  She said can I get the things out of the basement?  I said sure.  She's like no, I'll come back another day because I have to get Other dog home.  I said ok.  She left...one minute later she calls me...says other dog is barking and wants to stay... I said ok...I went out to get him.  She says she will come get him later.  I said ok.  She left (I'm sitting there thinking...hmmmm she didn't go in the basement and get her stuff).  Later that day she texts me, do you want me to pick him up, I say can he stay overnight?  She says sure, do you have his special food, I said no, I will make some.  She calls, she says I can bring you some, I said no need to drive here I'm about to run out I will make it when I get back.  Sunday morning I text her and ask when she wants him back, told her I was going to be near her house and could drop him off in the morning.  She said she was going out for lunch and it would be better if she could pick him up later from me so he wasn't alone.  I said ok.  She said she would pick him up between 2:30-3.  I sent her a picture of him wrapped in a blanket on the couch around 2:30.  She texts and says can he stay and I will pick him up later after the game.  I say ok.  Then she texts me about 6:30 and say's she's tired and wants to go home and can I just bring him to her.  I said I would and did.  Walked him to the door handed her the leash, said thank you and left.  Shortly after I left I remembered I needed to tell her when he last ate etc (sick dog/special diet).  I called her.  Told her about the food.  Then she was being really nice and started talking about her daughter and told me this story about her and the boyfriend...needless to say I was on the phone with her for a 1/2 hour.  She also said other dog seemed really happy and he must have had fun with the puppies this weekend etc.  I could tell her demeanor had really softened.

So tomorrow is our wedding anniversary.  I would somehow like to acknowledge the day and show it some respect, but I don't want to piss her off again.  She doesn't want me to acknowledge it at all.  I was thinking of sending a text later in the day...not saying "Happy Anniversary" because it's not happy...but just I didn't want to let this day go by without letting you know I love you, or something of that nature...thoughts?

SH4

[gadget]

Hi SH4!

Sounds like a calm/non-conflict weekend

Glad that went well for you.  About the anniversary.  Hard to say whether to say something or not.  I felt I had to for my 30th anniversary with my wife, but now wished I didn't because of her response.  No love/emotion coming back to me at all.

I said "Thinking of you on our 30th anniversary.  Love you.  Miss you".  Her response?  "I know today is hard for you, and I'm sorry if it is".

I've found it's best to keep things calm and neutral and not speak of "Us" to her.  Kinda like how your weekend went.  It's not fun, it's not fair, but it seems to work.

You're doing great!  Hang in there.

Gadget

[khibomsis]

Well done, SH4! A whole weekend no conflict Our victories are small but real nonetheless. You should give yourself a good pat on the back and a nice slice of chocolate cake..
As you can see it works, you won a whole 30 min conversation from it. If you can be consistent there is no saying where you will be a week from now.
With the anniversary you know very well you can't win. You can't change them, only your relationship to them. I suspect that she is feeling as cut up about it as you are, but her only way to deal with those feelings is to dysregulate all over you. Expect that and prepare yourself mentally. Go over the lessons on how to stop the conflict so you are well prepared. If you remove the possibility of dysregulation she will have to change the way she deals with you.

But this is your special day too. Ask yourself  what do you need from the day that would help you feel whole? I think you deserve to be acknowledged, 10 whole years of loyalty through the ups, downs and the crazies. That is a whole lot of love. So what would make it meaningful for you? Would it be sufficient to make it through the day with connection but no attachment to results?
I would suggest something really corny, like sending a photo of a lit candle saying you are lighting this in memory of the good times. If you want to highlight a special good time, say with a rose or something equally symbolic with the both of you, feel free to embellish.

When the dysregulation comes, gray rock it. For every outbreak of rage say "yes darling, I understand it is hard for you, I am here for you in your pain as much as that good time I just celebrated." And for every "darling" "love" or "sweetheart" you can sneak in, count it a victory for making good memories from the day.   I know human dignity has little to do with it when it comes to partnering from BPD, but if you can get her to remember how good it was when it was good - I mean 10 years is a long time - you have won another small victory.
Best of luck! We are rooting for you. 

[khibomsis]

Gadget, not meaning to thread hijack but I think an "I'm sorry" from a BPD is huge progress. In three years I have only ever managed to get mine to apologize once. A little jealous to be honest  

[gadget]

No worries Khimbomsis!  And hello

I always appreciate and love all the comments from all of you.  Others stories help me too!  Sorry you don't get many I'm sorrys.  I do get some from my wife, and she also still calls me hun and babe here and there.  Still cuts my hair too.  So I enjoy all those small things and keep it neutral all the other times.

Good to meet you

Gadget

[khibomsis]

Good to meet you too Gadget! We are all fellow travellers on this rocky road

[Stillhopeful4]

Gadget & Khibomsis,

Thanks.  Yes, it was nice to have a conflict free weekend.  I did spend a lot of time thinking.  I know I have a choice to make because I know one day she will most likely realize what she has lost and come back.  I would love for her to come back and WANT me.  But the more I read, the more I'm trying to accept that she never will, not just me, I don't think she's capable of loving anyone after the initial honeymoon/love bombing phase.  Then I think she can't even show empathy to anyone never mind me.  Like for example, her daughter got into a car accident and she picked her up and brought her to our house.  The kid was fine, but she had just bought her first brand new car and only had it for a week.  She was standing in my kitchen sobbing uncontrollably..she needed a hug and just to cry for a bit.  I hugged her.  Later on my W was like WTF did you do that for are you trying to be mother of the year and make me look bad... I was like no, she just looked like she needed a hug.  Then I realized, my W never hugs me when I cry.  She didn't hug me when I got diagnosed with breast cancer for a 2nd time, she didn't hug me when my father figure died and I was devastated.  I love this woman so much and would give her the world, and already have to some degree, but it's like she can't give anything emotional to me.  I'm almost 50 and do I want that for the rest of my life?  Let me be clear...I don't want anyone else and probably won't after this r/s but being with her I don't know if it's the right thing either.  She's always so miserable and claims she's "always waiting for the other show to drop" and needs to keep walls up.

SH4

[once removed]

So tomorrow is our wedding anniversary.  I would somehow like to acknowledge the day and show it some respect, but I don't want to piss her off again.  She doesn't want me to acknowledge it at all.  I was thinking of sending a text later in the day...not saying "Happy Anniversary" because it's not happy...but just I didn't want to let this day go by without letting you know I love you, or something of that nature...thoughts?

step into her shoes.

youve taken steps to extricate yourself from the relationship. youve removed your relationship status from social media in part to avoid people wishing you a happy anniversary. youve told the other party you dont want them to acknowledge it.

it would be painful. it would feel like pressure.

and you definitely wouldnt feel heard.

its important to respect her wishes about this. its important to respect yourself, too. "i love you" or anniversary wishes to someone who is pulling away from us doesnt show strength or self respect.

if you want to acknowledge and respect the day, you can do that yourself.

but if you really want to message her, i would keep it "i love you" free. you wish her well. you hope shes doing well. that sort of thing. and i might save it for the evening...see if the two of you speak that day, gauge it.

[Stillhopeful4]

and i might save it for the evening...see if the two of you speak that day, gauge it.

This was what I was going to do.  Wait until after dinner time and reach out.  Something...just acknowledging the day...but then I think why...she has never respected our marriage, has called it a piece of paper that means nothing...she's had several affairs...she's taken her ring off, removed her status and refers to it as "when we were married", as if we aren't.  But we are and the fact is this will probably be the last year we ARE married...and as hard as it is... I just want to acknowledge it and it makes me really sad just thinking about it and the fact that she doesn't want to.  I know I will spend most of the day crying tomorrow.

SH4

[khibomsis]

Once Removed, indeed you are right. My advice had failed to see it from her (BPD) side. Your advice makes much more sense!
SH4, I am so sorry to hear about the cancer diagnosis! Hope all is well now?
Hold on, it gets better. Indeed the time apart is useful if it helps you think about what you need in your life. I've been on a three and a half month break myself and although I am impatient to end it I also thought it was important to take time out and ask myself if I was really prepared to handle BPD.. Did not know about it while dating and, like you say, one has to make peace with those needs that are never going to be met, while you are having to find emotional strength within yourself to deal with the inevitable instability. It is a lot to ask of anyone. It is what I struggle with the most.
It is a fair question as well. If we can't it is only fair to tell our loved one so, with honesty and grace.  If we can only under certain conditions then that must also be told, and the burden is on us as nons to consider whether those conditions can realistically be met. But the BPD person also knows on some level who they are and what they are about, they are fully aware of their history of broken relationships and so often these breakups are to protect themselves since their experience tells them to expect rejection. Sometimes those infidelities are about lining up a fail safe in case they find themselves alone. They have to survive under harsh conditions.
I don't think it is a coincidence that all this is happening around your 10 year anniversary. It is a huge milestone. 
So I wish you Radical Acceptance for your anniversary!    And compassion 

[Stillhopeful4]

Khibomsis,

Thank you.  It's just after 7 AM and it's already been a difficult morning waking up without her.  I'm going to do my very best to not reach out for the next 12 hours and then when/if I do it will be something simple to let her know I'm thinking about her.  I'm also going to do my best if she reaches out in anger with something nasty to not react, but I don't think she will reach out at all and probably will not even reply if I do.

Thank you all for your support during this difficult time.

SH4

[khibomsis]

SH4, some days I take it minute by minute. May the Force be with you  

[Stillhopeful4]

Thank you!

It's 3:30.  No contact from her or me so far.  I will wait until 7 and send her something...just a thinking of you today...or something along those lines.

[once removed]

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