Thirty-six year old Daughter has BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

   My 36 year old daughter lives with me and my husband (her father).  She has not worked in many years.  She really doesn't have any friends.  She's seeing a social worker and psychiatrist.  He has prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressants.  She has a so-called "friend" who meets her in the back of our building and gives her cheap bottles of vodka.  She has had a drinking problem for years.  She did live with her boyfriend and then husband for about 5 years (she worked, too).  After they parted ways, she came back to live with us.  She worked very sporadically.  She claims the drinking is the only way to make her forget all her problems.

I believe I try and be more understanding than my husband.  With that said, we can't take it anymore.  Both of us are hyper-vigilant and also depressed from all of this.  She just ruined our Thanksgiving with drinking and we're hesitant to host Christmas Eve at our home.  Our son and his wife are expecting boy/girl twins in April.  She acts like she's excited, but I also think she's jealous.

We've spent so much money over the years on her behalf.  We feel like prisoners.  We can't do much together because we don't know what she'll do during our absence.  I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get it.

Please excuse my rambling.  I'm still kind of reeling since yesterday.  This is my first post.  I am 65 and my husband is 67.  Neither of us is in the best of health.  I just don't know where to turn.  Any advice/suggestions - I'd be grateful.  Thank you.

P.S.  She is on Medicaid insurance.

[Dew1954]

   My 36 year old daughter lives with me and my husband (her father).  She has not worked in many years.  She really doesn't have any friends.  She's seeing a social worker and psychiatrist.  He has prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressants.  She has a so-called "friend" who meets her in the back of our building and gives her cheap bottles of vodka.  She has had a drinking problem for years.  She did live with her boyfriend and then husband for about 5 years (she worked, too).  After they parted ways, she came back to live with us.  She worked very sporadically.  She claims the drinking is the only way to make her forget all her problems.

I believe I try and be more understanding than my husband.  With that said, we can't take it anymore.  Both of us are hyper-vigilant and also depressed from all of this.  She just ruined our Thanksgiving with drinking and we're hesitant to host Christmas Eve at our home.  Our son and his wife are expecting boy/girl twins in April.  She acts like she's excited, but I also think she's jealous.

We've spent so much money over the years on her behalf.  We feel like prisoners.  We can't do much together because we don't know what she'll do during our absence.  I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get it.

Please excuse my rambling.  I'm still kind of reeling since yesterday.  This is my first post.  I am 65 and my husband is 67.  Neither of us is in the best of health.  I just don't know where to turn.  Any advice/suggestions - I'd be grateful.  Thank you.

P.S.  She is on Medicaid insurance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome! The good news is your DD is getting help.  You also need some self care .  Some of us go to therapy ourselves to obtain help and perspective.  Are you able to practice any self care at all with here there?

[Trusting-waiting]

You came to the right place to receive support and encouragement! I’m new to the bpd family too. It’s hard to see our adult children self medicating. My daughter has turned to alcohol the last few months, after having her baby. She lives at home and not back to work. She is in therapy 9 hours a week. It’s imperative that we receive counseling as well. No one should be white knuckling this journey. Sacrificing our mental or physical well-being will not make our children better. I’m sure you already know this. I sincerely hope your daughter will reach a healthier place and participate in life again.

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Dew
I join. Swimmy and Trusting and Waiting in welcoming you here. This is a great place to get information and support on this difficult journey of parenting someone with BPD. It is good that your daughter is seeing a social worker and a psychiatrist. Are they helping at all? Coming here was a great first step in your own self care. As Swimmy says it would be good for you and your husband to get face to face help too. Things can get better.
Hugs
Faith

[Rosheger]

Hello Dew and welcome,
  I read your post with great interest as my story has been similar. 
  There is hope!  My now 38 yo dtr is living on her own, working, and completely independent for the first time in her life!  For years, I went through the not working, the deadbeat boyfriends, the addictions, the verbal abuse.  I rescued, paid for nearly everything, was treated badly, yet always at the back of my head was, If I don't help her, she will end up homeless or dead. 
  First, I would suggest you and your husband take care of yourselves - I hope you are getting therapy and have a good support system.  Then, I would ask if psychiatrist she is seeing (yay for that!) is addressing her drinking... suggesting 12-step recovery programs, etc.  Has she been diagnosed with BPD?  If so, is that being addressed in therapy?
  Also, Is she incapable of working or simply does not want to?  Do you and hubby have a "exit" plan for her moving out? 
  Our dtrs can be great at making us feel "captive" as they are master manipulators.  Glad you found this site.  Read all you can,  watch the videos.  Detach with love.  You have your lives to live and she has hers (apart from you).
  You are so not along.  Keep us posted.  Hugs,  Rosh
 

[Blueskyday]

Yes you are in the right place. Not only do we get it, we live it.

She is old enough to live alone. She will never learn if you keep picking up the pieces. It is hard not to but now her drinking is a co morbidity. She needs to hit bottom

[Trusting-waiting]

I agree with those comments. However, as I have learned, there’s chronological age and maturity age.  My 29 y/o is much younger in some ways than her peers. Her social isolation through much of her growing up years (due to social anxiety), has rendered her somewhat stunted. I know it can improve, but only with therapy and practicing what she’s learning. She’s a new mom now and it’s really hard because she is so caught up in her own pain.

[Blueskyday]

Absolutely! My 8yr old Grandchild is more emotionally intelligent already than her Mother...Her Mother has regressed as she has grown

[FaithHopeLove]

I know it can improve, but only with therapy and practicing what she’s learning.

Don't give up hope. I didn't think my son would ever go to therapy but now he is. I always say that where there is life there is hope. Things may yet turn around for your daughter.

[Trusting-waiting]

Thanks Faith, and you’re so right Bluesky, a child can be more emotionally intelligent than their parent. It’s a blessing that your 8 y/o gd has so much insight. I’m praying for your daughter to get healthier. But if not or not soon enough, that your gd could live with you.