Hi
Jazzy48...
...welcome.
A lot of what you have written in your post could have been written by me. I shake my head when I think back on all the years I have been subjected to what you refer to as "unpredictable behaviour...emotional abuse" from my daughter. I have to add here that it is me, not my husband (her father), who is the target of her rages when they happen. It is amazing that we have kept this marriage together through her "divide-and-conquer" compaigns.
Sounds as if your daughter, like mine, has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD but the counsellors we have met up with have suggested the same. The check marks are pretty well all there.
Yes, the pain! I know of the pain you feel. I know of the guilt, too. That pain and that guilt came together to render me as a victim...just what my daughter wanted me to be. What was playing out had to be changed and she certainly wasn't about to be the one to make changes. It had to be...me. That will have to be the case for you, too.
My daughter has never taken responsibility for any of the ills of life that have beset her. She landed so many of them on my lap. I, as her Mom, didn't do this. I didn't do that. My strength came when I just started to refuse ownership of her mistakes.
So now your daughter is setting boundaries and that is something you should respect. Setting your own boundaries is something to start thinking about, too. I am not talking about a "tit-for-tat"...a "you-do-this-then-I'll-do-that." It is you thinking about what makes you uncomfortable...what you are willing to accept from her and what you are not.
Believe me when I write you have come to a wonderful starting point here. Information abounds on how to better deal with these difficult people in our lives and there are links to more. It can be very uplifting to share and then feel the support along a path of healing and better tomorrows. Your daughter will always be a part of your life...but make her only one part.
Hope you keep sharing, Jazzy48. I know that besides me, many others here nod their heads when they read your story.
Huat