Full of resentment

[Breezey]

Hello,

This is my first post here. It seems like a very helpful forum and I have been able to relate very closely to many of the issues people have had.

I was in a relationship for about 2 years with my uBPD ex. 6 months ago, she broke up with my by text. Then she said she never did (send the text), and that if we were broken up she would kill herself, so I was back in it for a month after which she then broke up with my by text again. These were not the first two breakups but the last ones. At the time I was emotionally numb and also knew that it was definitely what was best for me.

And for a while I was fine and looking forward to maybe a new life, but over the course of the relationship (which was physically, verbally, emotionally etc. abusive), I had become somewhat socially isolated (she didn't like my brother and friends and would explode if I tried to hang out with them). So I have been very alone and unhappy I suppose.

Recently I found out from a friend that she was seeing a new person a month after this second breakup, and this was during a time period in which she was still calling me and texting me to have me perform the normal one-sided therapists role that I did in the relationship. And then I had to encounter her and her new boyfriend having lots of fun at some party.  I had already blocked her and things.

But with her blocked and all of this, I find that I am being kept awake at night by resentful thoughts, thoughts about why I allowed myself to be treated like that. I can't really work either, and find myself being lost even to petty revenge fantasies (telling her to go PLEASE READ herself if she spoke to me or something like that).

I am guessing all this resentment is probably related to some self-esteem issues that were produced in my by the relationship (like some others, there was lots of sex at the start and then none for a much longer time, accompanied with criticism etc. ).

I don't want to feel like this. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with resentment and anger? I don't know if I'd rather be sad or angry. This anger is spilling out at my friends and things. I tried to do this guided meditation, I've never done that before, but I started having a panic attack. So I don't know what to do.

[Rev]

I don't want to feel like this. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with resentment and anger? I don't know if I'd rather be sad or angry. This anger is spilling out at my friends and things. I tried to do this guided meditation, I've never done that before, but I started having a panic attack. So I don't know what to do.

Hello my friend.

Many of us are there. Anger is normal.and in some  cases it serves a purpose. It reminds you that you are better off. It fuels you as you push through the F.O.G. It will give you all.the energy you will need to do the research on BPD you'll need to be wise.

So there's a difference between being angry and getting angry.  It's okay to be angry but not so good for you to get angry. The less you get angry then eventually you'll be less angry.

I'll let the ambassadors point you to the really great tools here.

In the meantime reach out. This is a great place. It's been a real help to me.

You'll get there.

Rev

[once removed]

this was something i struggled with later in my recovery process. as you may know, detaching isnt a linear process and doesnt affect all of us in exactly the same way, even if most of us go through most of the same things in different stages.

i would second what Rev said.

recovery got a lot easier for me when i gave myself permission to feel whatever i was feeling without judgment. i had my share of revenge fantasies, i just never acted on them, but i learned not to judge them or suppress them, either.

the most effective thing for me was writing them down. pen to paper. it was one thing having them in my head, but giving real voice to them really helped me turn a corner. it had the simultaneous effect of really internalizing them, and yet, also minimizing them...for example, you write about how angry you are, and youd be surprised at how you both wear and work yourself out.

this is a manifestation of the part of you that wants to be heard...the part of you that wasnt heard during the relationship, isnt and wants to be heard now.

so you give voice to that, and you hear yourself.

I had become somewhat socially isolated (she didn't like my brother and friends and would explode if I tried to hang out with them). So I have been very alone and unhappy I suppose.

have you reached out to your brother and friends since the breakup?

[Breezey]

Hello my friend.

Hello Rev, thanks for the response! I will certainly make use of this forum and all it has, and even just seeing all the similar experiences has been helpful.

I certainly do think anger has advantages over sadness, terms of energy and getting out of FOG, as you say. But I just feel like I am too angry if I can't sleep and stuff.

So there's a difference between being angry and getting angry.  It's okay to be angry but not so good for you to get angry. The less you get angry then eventually you'll be less angry.

Do you mean don't act on anger?

[Breezey]

recovery got a lot easier for me when i gave myself permission to feel whatever i was feeling without judgment. i had my share of revenge fantasies, i just never acted on them, but i learned not to judge them or suppress them, either.

the most effective thing for me was writing them down. pen to paper. it was one thing having them in my head, but giving real voice to them really helped me turn a corner. it had the simultaneous effect of really internalizing them, and yet, also minimizing them...for example, you write about how angry you are, and youd be surprised at how you both wear and work yourself out.

Thanks for the response. I think I will get a journal or something for this purpose. I think I agree this would help.

My main problem isn't really stopping myself from feelign those things, but rather not being able to stop myself, and then like just festering on these negative thoughts in places like work and when I'm trying to sleep. But I guess as you say the writing of them down will also help with this.

I will start this today!

have you reached out to your brother and friends since the breakup?

I have slowly started re-building the things. Unfortunately my brother has moved out of the country.

I recently had a bad experience at a party where my ex and her new bf turned up. The next day was talking to a friend who had invited my ex and her bf to it, and  she (the friend) had apparently been listening to some stuff from my ex, and made some obnoxious remarks to me about "taking responsibility" and "moving on", when she had no idea what actually went on in the relationship - constant unrelenting abuse by her; from me the devotion of all my energy and time to reciprocated care for her.

Anyway, I told that friend to go eff herself, and I have a desire to say more to her.  But I know ultimately it wouldn't be good for me. I am worried taht I won't be able to control my anger and will end up doing things that will damage my life. As I already have. Abruptly left this party where she showed up with new bf, told a friend to go eff herself and stormed off then. Neither of those are ways that I will be less socially isolated but more.

I have made efforts to be more social in other ways. But I never really was. My ex is constantly in conflict with everyone, but she is still better at that sort of stuff than me, so the one time in several months I would have gone somewhere, she'd be there. In the house of people she has serious beef with anyway.

I am caught up between knowing I have to socialise so I am not just sitting and stewing, and worrying that If I do go out I'll not only see my ex, but also obnoxious people who have been fed stories from her and don't understand why I am am angry; I will have to see people siding with her over me and things like that.

[Rev]

Do you mean don't act on anger?

Essentially - yes that is what I mean, but in the normal sense of "I am angry - so I get angry - I will break something".

The new CBT way that I am advocating is:  "I am angry - I want to get angry - I will perform a random act of kindness to someone  (for example)."

One of the things that I have done that has helped immeasurably is to repeat certain things that I am able to do so as psychologically transform the memory.  

For example, I used to buy flowers from time to time for my ex. Normal thing that recently has not been so easy.  I have a new relationship and I have not yet bought her flowers. And yes - that is because I don't want to have one memory contaminate a newly made memory.

In between, then, me and my new friend, bought flowers for a friend of hers who is going through a tough time. My new memory of buying flowers is more normalized and now I will be able to buy my new partner flowers on the backs of this memory rather than trying to block out memories of my ex.

For me - CBT worked really well because I had so much of this kind of emotional support.

Hope this is clear. If not, write back.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Rev

[confusedbybdp]

My ex is constantly in conflict with everyone, but she is still better at that sort of stuff than me, so the one time in several months I would have gone somewhere, she'd be there. In the house of people she has serious beef with anyway.

 
Dear Breezy,  it is agonizing, isn't it?  Just remember that you are not alone, and that all of us are somewhere in the process of healing and trying to understand what we have been through and why it happened.  Regarding your ex being social with people she has conflicts with...your ex, like many of ours, may have a bit of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality.  Very often people with BPD wear a "mask," and are charming social butterflies when they are out in public.  Sometimes it's only behind closed doors with family and loved ones that they drop that mask and a very different personality presents itself.  My ex used to say that it was "exhausting" to put on this social mask, but he admitted that he often used it with me, too.  I guess it comes down to their not feeling good enough about who they are, so they think the only way they can keep people from leaving them is to use a false self that is more "acceptable" to others.  My guess is that she craves the attention and acceptance of everyone in her social circle, even those she has a beef with!

I am caught up between knowing I have to socialise so I am not just sitting and stewing, and worrying that If I do go out I'll not only see my ex, but also obnoxious people who have been fed stories from her and don't understand why I am am angry; I will have to see people siding with her over me and things like that.

Your ex may be using other people to further punish you for perceived wrongs by spreading rumors about you and your relationship.  This is pretty typical behavior for some people with BPD.  They may even believe these smears because they can't take responsibility for their role in the dysfunction of the relationship.  They will work hard to put themselves in the best light possible, and make YOU the bad guy.  By doing that they can maintain the false belief that it was all YOUR fault.

My advice generally about being "social" is that I would try to just be at your normal baseline.  Some people are naturally more social than others.  I am a bit of a loner, so I am just trying to be a good friend to my small circle of friends, and keep in closer touch with family members who I have let slide a bit.  Some of us were socially isolated by our relationships with our ex, so there may be work to do to reconnect with the people you care about.  As you know, too much isolation can lead to depression etc., but I would trust your gut with what feels natural for you and what you are comfortable doing.

And be sure to keep in touch with us!  You'll find that you have many friends here who know exactly what you are talking about and have "been there" themselves.  These friendships are invaluable.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Breezy, I echo Rev and once removed, and suggest you acknowledge your feelings as they arise, then let them pass through you by processing them in some fashion.  How to process?  That's up to you, but you could: write in a journal; meet with a close friend or family member; schedule an appointment with a T; get a good workout; take a walk in the woods or on the beach; practice mindfulness; play a musical instrument or do art; etc.

You get the idea!  Your task, in my view, is to let your feelings surface, rather than trying to submerge or ignore them.

LuckyJim

[Breezey]

For me - CBT worked really well because I had so much of this kind of emotional support.

Hope this is clear. If not, write back.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Rev

That is clear Rev, and Lucky Jim I think I will follow the earlier advice also and maybe do some journaling or write a poem or somethign when I feel angry. The act of kindness also sounds like a good way to get over the anger. Thank you very much.

[Breezey]

My advice generally about being "social" is that I would try to just be at your normal baseline.  Some people are naturally more social than others.  I am a bit of a loner, so I am just trying to be a good friend to my small circle of friends, and keep in closer touch with family members who I have let slide a bit.  Some of us were socially isolated by our relationships with our ex, so there may be work to do to reconnect with the people you care about.  As you know, too much isolation can lead to depression etc., but I would trust your gut with what feels natural for you and what you are comfortable doing.

And be sure to keep in touch with us!  You'll find that you have many friends here who know exactly what you are talking about and have "been there" themselves.  These friendships are invaluable.   

Hallo Confusedbybpd, thanks very much. That is good about just staying the way I normally am. Because I was having crazy notions about like becoming super social in an attempt to then be the one who was "winning" or whatever. But That's not really who I am, and I should focus more on trying to return to who I am.

Thanks for the support!

[Lucky Jim]

I should focus more on trying to return to who I am.

Hey Breezy,  I agree.  Get back to who you are at your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive to be authentic.  Recognize and allow your feelings, as they reflect who you are.  Follow the threads that connect you to your deepest self.  You get the idea!

LJ