"unpainted" black? 7 hour phone call with my ex

[littlepixie]

I have suspected for a month now that my (ex) partner has got BPD. He has severe mood swings, ignores me at the slightest hint of criticism that I may give, and uses breakups as a frequent thing. He is very emotional and will cry discussing his childhood/has severe anger issues. He is a self-harmer and has very little relationship experience.

Nearly two weeks ago, we had a small disagreement. I saw on Instagram that he had liked a girls very revealing picture (boobs on show). I called him quite annoyed asking why he liked it. He said he didn't know and he'd unfollow her. I text saying I had a bad day and I overreacted and shouldn't have said it over a phone call. He blanked me. He gave me the silent treatment for 3 days. For context, My ex is in his late 20s. He had one girlfriend when he was 19. She ended up cheating on him and they split. When he met me, he hadn’t had sex for 4 years. He said he didn’t like casual sex, and that he didn’t want to be in a relationship that was led by “lust”. He said he hates the feeling of lust. He wasn’t sexually awkward though – he would often say our sex was amazing etc., he just always criticised things like porn and overt sexuality. So, in my mind, I was confused why he would be so vehemently against something, and then do it anyway.

These are the only times we have “argued”. Ex-boyfriend asked to met me. He said that I was “always making him feel guilty” and that he shouldn’t have to change who he is to make me happy. He said I wasn’t stupid and on three different occasions I had used a tone that was disrespectful with him: when I asked him not to go on Instagram when I was talking to him, when I asked when he would be back from an activity and when I asked why he liked the picture. I apologised, saying I didn’t know that’s how I came across. He said I was manipulative, like his cheating sister, and that I had sabotaged the relationship. I said I was sorry and that I didn’t know I had made him feel that way, and I would be mindful of how I spoke in future. He said it didn't matter and sat with his arms crossed not making eye contact once. I asked him why he couldn't look at me. He said he felt more comfortable not to. We were together 3 hours and he didn't look at me once. He said he can't stop feeling like I judged him and we should break up. I asked him whether he wanted to maintain contact he said "I'm not your manager". I said is there nothing we could try – what about our feelings and how much of a connection we have? He said they didn’t matter. He said he would post me my things.

He has text me today asking for my address (which is weird because he knows it, he has been here many many times). It’s also my birthday tomorrow, which we were meant to be spending together

So, for the last week or so I honored his choice. Didn't contact or anything. He text me once saying congratulations for finishing my degree. I replied yesterday saying thank you and can we have a talk sometime soon?

I expected the call to "finalise" things i.e. collect our things from one another. I didn't expect the call this weekend either. However, he text back saying he was free whenever I wanted to talk. So we arranged for today.

I rang him at 10am - I didn't hang up until 5.30pm. We spoke about how we were (stressed) and what we had been up to. We spoke about our past holiday, were laughing and talking about anything and everything for the whole time. We flirted and it was just so nice. It wasn't the phonecall I was expecting at all. I only hung up at that time because I needed to go to work. He said that it was amazing to talk and that he would talk to me later...

We're both kind of going through a lot right now - I am seeking work after graduating. He is majorly stressed at work, has had a promotion, just bought a new house and feels overwhelmed. He told me on the phone his doctor had diagnosed him with alopecia.

Is this normal? I really miss him and want us to work. I am happy to give him all the space, time and support he needs. I am making progress to work on my own stress. My best friend (male) said he wouldn't have invested so much time in an ex he had no intention of getting back with... especially not 7 hours...

I have read about "splitting" in BPD. When we met in person it's like I was the worst person in the world - he couldn't look at me, he was mumbling, not making any effort at all, tutting at what I said, saying he "didn't care". Yesterday - he said I was the most interesting person to speak to, laughing with me, saying I could still use his netflix account and that we need to discuss a documentary he recommended me next time we spoke ...

Have I been split back to white? I am so confused. But I also dont want to get my hopes up. How do I play this? 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[littlepixie]

... after the call on Sunday, I sent a text yesterday to which he responded quite positively ... then read my reply to his and hasn't contacted since.

Advice? Thoughts?

[Steps31]

In my experience, things were great between us when everything was light and she didn't feel the pressure, but the minute it got serious, I believe she couldn't handle it... and the anger, chaos, and accusations ensued.
I would say it's nothing you did or do, but rather like phantasms flying out of the pit of their own abyss. (If you think of the abyss as the empty center after peeling the onion, there's nothing there but our own reflection, things we believe and make up)

[Thayan]

There is a reason why we love these folks, BPD and all. They aren't 100% monster all the time. There are wonderful times and these give us hope - we want that all the time. Then there is the monster that comes out and makes it all so much more traumatizing. I am happy for you that you have had a meaningful connection again and had a great time. It doesn't mean the same behavior that you suspect is BPD won't be back in the future. It is a package deal.

[littlepixie]

Thanks for replies.

I still haven't heard from him since he ignored my text.

I don't understand - why did he call me for seven hours if he wanted nothing to do with me? I now feel like the phonecall meant absolutely nothing to him.

A lot of my friends have said he has used me because he was "bored" and basically used me for those seven hours.

I feel so much worse now. I don't know what to do now.

[halfbunny]

My best friend (male) said he wouldn't have invested so much time in an ex he had no intention of getting back with... especially not 7 hours...

Hello littlepixie! One thing that really helped me was accepting that "normal" standards just don't apply to BPDpeeps and their behaviour. Your friend probably meant well but the truth is, you just really can't tell. Same goes for your friends suggesting he used you- they can't know, you  can't know  and he probably doesn't know either.
My ex spent two whole days with me post breakup, never stopped talking to me and was quite keen to visit me (would be a 15+ hour ride)- meanwhile being adamant that he had no romantic inclinations towards me. Go figure!

I have read about "splitting" in BPD. When we met in person it's like I was the worst person in the world - he couldn't look at me, he was mumbling, not making any effort at all, tutting at what I said, saying he "didn't care". Yesterday - he said I was the most interesting person to speak to, laughing with me, saying I could still use his netflix account and that we need to discuss a documentary he recommended me next time we spoke ...

Have I been split back to white? I am so confused. But I also dont want to get my hopes up. How do I play this? 

His feelings could basically fluctuate on an hourly basis. It's likely that he floats from one extreme to the other,  especially when stressed.
I'd recommend not to send any more messages, distract yourself and see when/how he replies.  That long phone call and additional positive exchange with you may very well have set off his engulfment fears, making him withdraw. Let him come to you.

I can only advise you to look after yourself and turn the focus inwards now. We can't tell how he feels about any of this, but how about you? You may also wants to read through this https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[littlepixie]

Hello littlepixie! One thing that really helped me was accepting that "normal" standards just don't apply to BPDpeeps and their behaviour. Your friend probably meant well but the truth is, you just really can't tell. Same goes for your friends suggesting he used you- they can't know, you  can't know  and he probably doesn't know either.
My ex spent two whole days with me post breakup, never stopped talking to me and was quite keen to visit me (would be a 15+ hour ride)- meanwhile being adamant that he had no romantic inclinations towards me. Go figure

I suppose that is something that will become clearer to me as time goes on, at the moment, it is unclear what his romantic intentions are. He is extremely, extremely shy (quiet BPD?) and does not have much social interaction. He has spoken to me in the past about how he has cut off family members/friends for doing something he didn't like. I was expecting the same. 7 hours over the phone is of course excessive - when we were together we never went over 2.5 hours.

But, I think I have just become over-excited at having contact with him again. I don't think it means anything ... he probably just was lonely.

But, equally, I know he is an avoider. He openly tells me he dislikes conversations about emotions and shuts off under pressure - avoidance of the talk of the breakup could have been that?

His feelings could basically fluctuate on an hourly basis. It's likely that he floats from one extreme to the other,  especially when stressed.
I'd recommend not to send any more messages, distract yourself and see when/how he replies.  That long phone call and additional positive exchange with you may very well have set off his engulfment fears, making him withdraw. Let him come to you.

He has replied to my text today, just under two days later with quite a short reply. He's also liked my posts of my nephew on Instagram and watched my stories. Confused again. Seems like he is in contact but doesn't want to talk? Not sure how to proceed to be honest - a reply isn't necessary but will that push him further away if I ignore it?

[halfbunny]

I suppose that is something that will become clearer to me as time goes on, at the moment, it is unclear what his romantic intentions are. He is extremely, extremely shy (quiet BPD?) and does not have much social interaction. He has spoken to me in the past about how he has cut off family members/friends for doing something he didn't like. I was expecting the same. 7 hours over the phone is of course excessive - when we were together we never went over 2.5 hours.

The cutting off part really sounds much like classic BPD splitting, it's understandable that you expected the same treatment. That he didn't do it to you may mean something or not.

But, I think I have just become over-excited at having contact with him again. I don't think it means anything ... he probably just was lonely.

honestly- whether you are healthy or disordered, 7 hours are a long time and would signify he genuinely enjoyed speaking to you. We just can't be sure about the romantic implications of that.

But, equally, I know he is an avoider. He openly tells me he dislikes conversations about emotions and shuts off under pressure - avoidance of the talk of the breakup could have been that?

The breakup is obviously an emotionally loaded topic and may very well stir up feelings your ex is trying hard to avoid. Why would you like to talk about the breakup?   

He has replied to my text today, just under two days later with quite a short reply. He's also liked my posts of my nephew on Instagram and watched my stories. Confused again. Seems like he is in contact but doesn't want to talk? Not sure how to proceed to be honest - a reply isn't necessary but will that push him further away if I ignore it?

Right now he seems to want to be in some sort of contact but on his own terms, only. What kind of reply would you like to send him? What is your goal in terms of contact and the relationship in general?

[littlepixie]

honestly- whether you are healthy or disordered, 7 hours are a long time and would signify he genuinely enjoyed speaking to you. We just can't be sure about the romantic implications of that.
 

I thought so too, maybe I've just been listening to overly critically friends. I think the bottom line is that the phone call was extremely enjoyable - and greatly contrasted to how we last spoke. He said to me last time we spoke "I will never be comfortable talking to you again..." ... and yet, he managed 7 hours.

The breakup is obviously an emotionally loaded topic and may very well stir up feelings your ex is trying hard to avoid. Why would you like to talk about the breakup?   

I guess to make sure it was happening - the reasoning for breaking up seemed so flimsy and an overreaction on his behalf. When we broke up there was hardly any communication, just him sulking. I suppose, in my mind, I needed him to say "we are over" or similar. Last time was more of a discussion of "i think we should break up". I think I just wanted to be sure. But, obviously now, I am more confused.

Right now he seems to want to be in some sort of contact but on his own terms, only. What kind of reply would you like to send him? What is your goal in terms of contact and the relationship in general?

I hate the short, snappy replies. It is not how we communicate. And it's not how we communicated in general. I want to reply to continue the conversation, but feels a bit pointless. I think my goal is to build up our conversations again - he always told me how unique our relationship was to him because we were friends and partners. We speak about everything. I want him back, obviously, but it is looking less and less likely. Our breakup happened 2 and a half weeks ago now

[littlepixie]

In my experience, things were great between us when everything was light and she didn't feel the pressure, but the minute it got serious, I believe she couldn't handle it... and the anger, chaos, and accusations ensued.
I would say it's nothing you did or do, but rather like phantasms flying out of the pit of their own abyss. (If you think of the abyss as the empty center after peeling the onion, there's nothing there but our own reflection, things we believe and make up)

This is exactly how I would describe our relationship. Everything built up - money troubles, house moves, promotion, me being physically ill, him being controlled by his family, and then me seemingly moaning about insignificant things were the straws that broke the camel's back.

He is clearly stressed - his hair is falling out.

It's hard, because even though I can see I am not the problem, he can't. And I just don't know what to do.

[Steps31]

Hey littlepixie,

Yes, I know this is really hard. Things seem like they're almost there, like they could be wonderful, if he would just calm down.
Regarding his short answers after your long conversation, I myself have had avoidant tendencies (and I'm working on them by trying to allow myself to be more vulnerable and give up the illusion of control; ego)... I don't believe he was USING you for the time of the conversation, I think that was genuine. So don't feel bad about that.
However, he might have started developing heavy feelings again and his own demons must be bothering him or if he's conflicted and stuck in a thought pattern, there's the feeling of "I can't deal with this right now" - it just feels like too much, and any words from you is just felt like additional pressure in the steam engine. All he can manage is a few short words to keep you at bay. He needs time to ride it out, I'd say.
Of course I don't know the guy or his situation, but I'm imagining myself in the past and how I've reacted avoidantly in the past when faced with strong feelings or conflict.

[littlepixie]

Hey littlepixie,

Yes, I know this is really hard. Things seem like they're almost there, like they could be wonderful, if he would just calm down.
Regarding his short answers after your long conversation, I myself have had avoidant tendencies (and I'm working on them by trying to allow myself to be more vulnerable and give up the illusion of control; ego)... I don't believe he was USING you for the time of the conversation, I think that was genuine. So don't feel bad about that.
However, he might have started developing heavy feelings again and his own demons must be bothering him or if he's conflicted and stuck in a thought pattern, there's the feeling of "I can't deal with this right now" - it just feels like too much, and any words from you is just felt like additional pressure in the steam engine. All he can manage is a few short words to keep you at bay. He needs time to ride it out, I'd say.
Of course I don't know the guy or his situation, but I'm imagining myself in the past and how I've reacted avoidantly in the past when faced with strong feelings or conflict.

So would the worst thing be to text him saying I miss him? I'm having such a bad night, I miss him so much. It's literally just hit me like a tonne of bricks.

[HopelessBroken]

After the 8th breakup where he threw me away over nothing, I was stalked via phone by my xpwbpd when my (immediate) replacement didn’t work out. I folded and answered his call finally one morning. It was a 12 hour phone call and it was amazing. It was followed by another 12 hour emotional phone call and then boom, back in a relationship. I was so happy. Despite airing out the issues, apologies, him in weekly therapy, me in weekly therapy I was thrown away for the 9th time five months later, over nothing.

My point in telling you this, is in the big picture the 7 hour phone call doesn’t mean to them what it meant to you and that their behavior will repeat itself no matter how healthy you are or how they are currently acting. I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth. Telling them you miss them won’t change the trajectory of your relationship. As others have suggested, focus on you. 

[littlepixie]

 

Ex-boyfriend has arranged to drive up to me to give my things back (4 hour round trip) in the evening. I'm nervous/excited to see him, but I am trying to understand this 180 turn from him. As I previously mentioned, he said he would post me my things because he couldn't bear to be in my presence...

Am I being totally over-optimistic to see this as a good sign?

I am a naturally affectionate/chatty person - should I just act like that tomorrow? Or will that push him away further?

[secretgirl]

Hi little pixie !
This could be a good thing because he’s willing to see you... so if you’re wanting to reconcile maybe just try and stay neutral ? (Something I have to work on myself haha ) Good luck and let us know how it goes !

[littlepixie]

I'm just not sure...

The only positive thing is that he is making the journey when previously he said he would post my stuff... and it's only because I asked if he wanted to meet in the next few weeks to get my important stuff back. Maybe he will make the 4 hour trip and be dismissive as he was last time I saw him.

That might crush me a bit.

I need realistic expectations. I need to go into this thinking it's still over.

He could still be playing games with me.

[secretgirl]

I'm just not sure...

The only positive thing is that he is making the journey when previously he said he would post my stuff... and it's only because I asked if he wanted to meet in the next few weeks to get my important stuff back. Maybe he will make the 4 hour trip and be dismissive as he was last time I saw him.

That might crush me a bit.

I need realistic expectations. I need to go into this thinking it's still over.

He could still be playing games with me.

He could be... but I guess we won't know... all I know is my ubpdexbf unblocked me a week and a bit ago asking if I still want something he made for me , no apology to his past behavior/nothing... just acted like everything was fine and his question was a "normal" one whereas most "normal" ppl would view it as ODD behavior after a massive blowout... full of accusations from his end then being blocked. and unblocked and blocked throughout being jabbed at... so, I'm not sure. But I DID post on here , and OnceRemoved replied to me saying how it could be his version of an "apology" and I had to decide to accept it or not not knowing what could happen...
and I declined. Because I wasn't ready yet to potentially see him, and lose him again and be left with an item in my home which would not be easily removed without PAYING movers... and look at it and be reminded of him daily... and this of course would've been the worst case scenario (the opposite could have been him possibly talking in person and wanting to be with me again?)... so maybe I risked shutting him down, and ruined it forever but for now, I was not prepared for the worst case scenario...

but for you, it's actually your STUFF and it's all stuff you want back, correct?
I guess all I can say is always be prepared for the worst case scenario... like you said.. potentially coming , dropping it off, no talk, leaving.
are you going to be ok? Maybe you can have a friend/family member on stand by in case you need emotional support after? Or you can post on here... post on here regardless

[once removed]

I rang him at 10am - I didn't hang up until 5.30pm. We spoke about how we were (stressed) and what we had been up to. We spoke about our past holiday, were laughing and talking about anything and everything for the whole time. We flirted and it was just so nice. It wasn't the phonecall I was expecting at all. I only hung up at that time because I needed to go to work. He said that it was amazing to talk and that he would talk to me later...

We're both kind of going through a lot right now - I am seeking work after graduating. He is majorly stressed at work, has had a promotion, just bought a new house and feels overwhelmed. He told me on the phone his doctor had diagnosed him with alopecia.

Is this normal? I really miss him and want us to work. I am happy to give him all the space, time and support he needs. I am making progress to work on my own stress. My best friend (male) said he wouldn't have invested so much time in an ex he had no intention of getting back with... especially not 7 hours...

closure.

i have a friend, my best friend since the first day of sixth grade. ive been angry, hurt, and resentful at him for a long time over some stuff. i dont think he has a full sense of that, or why, but he knows things are a little awkward. until recently, we had not seen each other for about eight months, and had barely spoken. that is unusual for us.

we saw each other for a mutual friends wedding, and the wedding rehearsal. he gave me a ride both times. it was, more or less, like old times. we caught up on everything. talked without any gaps. and spoke, briefly, one time since.

that, i suspect, was what the seven hour phone conversation was about. remembering the best parts of the relationship. not unlike when my mother and i carried on for hours about memories of my dad when he died, and then wouldnt talk about him.

the best advice i can offer you is that human nature still applies to people with bpd, and people with bpd traits. its easy to get caught up in whats going on in their heads, and whether it has to do with the disorder. more often than not, things can be far simpler.

hes grieving the relationship, and detaching from it.

and i would suggest to you, that that is not necessarily the worst place to be. there is usually a window of time in over 60% of relationships to get back together, and all of them go through that process, to varying extents.

on a certain level, its a healthy place to be. you do not want to go back to the old iteration of the relationship. you want to consider it dead...and any possible future iteration of the relationship, as a very different relationship that can get past the conflict that plagued the old one.

in the short term, i think you want to make it somewhat clear that a breakup isnt what you want. but you dont want to push, and you want to respect his space; youve done a good job of that so far. you want to get back to the most attractive version of yourself, and play that card whenever, and as best you can. in the long term, you want to analyze what broke down the relationship, and how any future iteration of the relationship is going to overcome that.

when is he coming to return the stuff?

[littlepixie]

I cancelled the meet up because I felt overwhelmed with everything, and was just exhausted.

He's asked to arrange for this Friday. For the first time ever over text since the breakup, he's sent a friendly text.

Lots of friends saying he wouldn't bother coming/rearranging if he didn't miss me.

Hopefully we can talk through it on Friday. I am in a better place myself mentally, and I think I will be calm when talking on Friday.

I will try and update after we meet.

[Steps31]

It's good that you're feeling better mentally.
Self - care is of utmost importance.
There's a fine line to navigate of using your tools to validate his feelings, while expressing what you need to say as well, and keeping in touch with yourself. Don't ignore your gut feelings. and don't rush.
I don't know if I'm helping, but looking back, that's what I would tell myself. To take my time and get to the bottom line, not argue in circles over trivial matters.

[littlepixie]

Ex didn't text about today, so we didn't meet. It's getting very distant again, and to be honest, I am losing hope/desire to get back with him.

I know BPD makes him think differently to me, but he has treated me with no regard in the last few weeks, and I think he's enjoying having me on a string.

I've tried to be nice, and he sometimes decides to be nice back, other times (like this week) he will shut down pleasant conversation by just ignoring my last texts.

[littlepixie]

He finally replied yesterday "I completely forgot to message you about Friday" ... yeah, right ! Obviously designed to be a hurtful message. Then he tried to continue a conversation we were having last week.

At this point, I feel empty. I've so little energy. I am completely run down with a UTI and chest infection. I am done.

It feels like a game, and he has won. I am trying to muster the strength to block him.

[secretgirl]

He finally replied yesterday "I completely forgot to message you about Friday" ... yeah, right ! Obviously designed to be a hurtful message. Then he tried to continue a conversation we were having last week.

At this point, I feel empty. I've so little energy. I am completely run down with a UTI and chest infection. I am done.

It feels like a game, and he has won. I am trying to muster the strength to block him.

Hi littlepixie... I'm sorry you're feeling this way I know that feeling ALL too well... maybe just let him know you're sick and you'll get back to him later this week. Be nice about it . But I think right now you should focus on your health and getting better... everyone else and their problems (including his) can wait.
What do you think?

[littlepixie]

Hi littlepixie... I'm sorry you're feeling this way I know that feeling ALL too well... maybe just let him know you're sick and you'll get back to him later this week. Be nice about it . But I think right now you should focus on your health and getting better... everyone else and their problems (including his) can wait.
What do you think?

Thank you.

I am not going to reply at all, I am feeling really low and feel like I am ill from the stress of what he has put me through. He will have to wait. He hasn't asked once in a month how I am, not said sorry once ... it's always about him. I've tried being nice.

[secretgirl]

Yes that’s very familiar because when they’re going through an episode it feels like it’s about them... we all do this to an extent though like when we are mad , we focus on us. But that’s ok . There’s no need to stress yourself more if you are going to reply maybe just say something short like “I’m not well . I will get back to you in a few days. Thank you.”

Even if it’s met with an anger response you can feel zero guilt for not ghosting etc. It’s important you take care of yourself though because if you don’t , no one else will. You’re your #1 priority.

[littlepixie]

Thought I would update this situation for any further guidance/help.

After the messages above, I decided to cut contact with ex. This was so hard. But it hurt too much so I decided not to initiate contact and the texts dwindled into him texting me about returning my stuff. He text me three times during this time, basically about returning my stuff, but the texts got nicer - he started calling me "Pix" (a pet name he had for me again).

My mental health got bad during this time.

After one month NC, I text him saying my friend will collect my stuff. He said he would drop it off. Last week we arranged to meet yesterday (Saturday) to exchange things.

I wasn't expecting any of what happened. Although I wholeheartedly love this man so much, I thought it would be awkward as it was two months since the split and little contact. He is also really socially aware/anxious and I thought he was going to be really nervous.It was just like it was. The physically and intellectual chemistry was there. Talking for hours. Him taking responsibility for the way he broke up with me, saying I didn't do anything wrong, and that he had been "overreactive". He said it was hard for him to deal with his emotions, and that when there was any kind of conflict he thought I was criticising him and that he felt he needed to protect himself.

When he broke up with me, he said he felt "forced" to because he thought I needed a clear cut decision there and then (projection of black and white thinking?). He said he never intended to breakup, but he felt trapped and wanted to go home to avoid the nastiness of the situation.

And then he said that he stayed in bed for two weeks when we split up. That he's cut off from his friends because he can't bear socialising. That he has stepped down from his promotion. He spends alot of time smoking weed or working. And that he missed me more than anything in the world, he said "to say I missed you would be the understatement of my life" and that everything reminded me of him, that he looked at my social media everyday and that he was fully expecting me never to speak to him again. He said no one would ever come close to me intellectually, personality wise and looks wise. He said he can't stomach the thought of dating or seeing me date anyone else. He said it was a massive shame, heartbreaking that we broke up, but at the time the distance made it all too much to deal with.

For the first time EVER and the most unexpected thing was that he told me he knew he was suffering with his mental health, and had tried to get help. He said he didn't like counselling. I said it was positive he knew he deserved not to feel the way he did, and to explore other options. He told me that it wasn't fair to expect me to be his counsellor and that "wasn't healthy".

It broke my heart a little bit more to hear how he has been struggling. I thought he would have been okay since he made the decision. I literally stopped texting him because the replies were slow from him and I thought I was bothering him - but, he said it was because he was in bed, and didn't check anything for days at a time because he couldn't cope.

We had a coffee, went onto dinner and spoke about the breakup again. He said he was falling in love with me, but that all the stresses made him so uncertain, and he doesn't know what to do about us - keeping in touch as friends wouldn't work as we love each other, but he can't imagine life without me. He said he doesn't know what to do, he feels depressed and low. He said he can't handle the fact this may be the last time I see him. He said that it would kill him to try again and face the same issues we faced with distance. And he just feels anxious.

I stayed at his house. We fell asleep cuddling and stuff, kissing, him basically whispering "ive missed you so much" and pulling me closer when I was moving in the night. Had sex in the morning. He drove me to work (2 hour drive), bought me breakfast and chatted like we always did in the car on the way back.

He has bought me Xmas and birthday presents which he says he will pass to me next time he sees me, and told me to leave my stuff at his (the whole point of this meetup) so I can collect it when I next see him. He text me today saying he really enjoyed seeing me, that he felt good after seeing me, and that we should plan when we should see each other next ("to give me my stuff back" - even though that's what this time was for!)

So now I don't know what to do. I am certain he is depressed at the least, and I am pretty certain he still has BPD. And I am certain he does love me, and that the distance was to blame.

So now what? I am looking for work, would it be weird to suggest moving to his city for work?

I know he isn't using me for sex. He isn't that type of man. I believe everything he is saying. I know full well he isn't speaking to/thinking of speaking to anyone else. We were a great couple. Is there any hope for us?

If there is, what should I do?

[alittleawkward]

Hi Pixie, welcome back. What a compelling story you've been through. Your ex sounds like a compassionate man trying to better himself, and frankly I draw many parallels of his actions with my own in dealing with a break up. The difference is I left it clear cut, and he obviously acted on his emotions.

I would say take it slow. Take it steady. Don't be afraid to pull back a couple gears; sleeping round after something like this seems to be very 0-100 from an outsiders perspective. If you haven't been talking properly for months and you're suddenly back close with one another you may risk falling back into the same relationship as before. Be wary of diving straight back into the honeymoon stage, and try and look at things realistically. 

Make some clear boundaries with him. Make sure that he is properly looking after his mental health without your support; the fundamentals to a functional relationship are self sustainability and collaboration. You could potentially establish some concrete rules about communication in order to avoid anxiousness or paranoia about a lack of/intense flurry of responses?

Keep in mind why you originally came to this site. Can you go through that, similar, or worse, again? You both sound like you've had/have doubts about the relationship, and it's important you address and secure those if you intend to go back to it.

Just take some time and reflect. Is this what you want? What happens if it goes down the same as before? Have either of you tried to look beyond the horizon? Are your wounds from the last relationship properly healed or will they ooze if prodded? Are you prepared to emotionally invest and become an emotional caretaker for someone else again?

I wish you luck! There are some fantastic happy ending stories on here but all have their struggles, as with any successful relationship. Remember to keep yourself a priority here, not your ex or the relationship!

[littlepixie]

Thanks for your reply.

My ex has now been incredibly distant since we met on Saturday.

After he dropped me off on Sunday morning at my house, he posted a video of him walking his dog on social media, with the lyrics from Ed Sheeran's "Happier" (Sat on the corner of the room, Everything's reminding me of you Nursing an empty bottle and telling myself you're happier Aren't you?)

After that, he text me saying that we would have to arrange a time to exchange stuff again. I text back saying I was available this Saturday, but not really free after that until new year. He text back saying he would let me know (hasn't done yet).

Replies take hours, sometimes days, and I feel deflated again. It's gone from him literally holding me in bed on Saturday to the distance/cold phase and at this point I just keep thinking that I am waiting for something to happen that will never happen (that he will want to be with me).

[Steps31]

Sorry to hear that.
How's it going now?

Do you think it was a charm?

[littlepixie]

Thought I would post an update.

Since Christmas, we have been speaking A LOT. It feels like we've just started dating. When we started dating we used to send basically essay messages to each other talking about our religion, philosophy, films, life, values etc etc and share articles etc. We've started doing this again and have been doing it since we meet up. It literally takes me about 2 hours straight to reply to all the messages. He also wished me a merry christmas and new year. He keeps calling me my petname he gave me when we were together.

It feels more relaxed now, without the pressure - we're replying to each other within like 2/3 days rather than everyday!

My ex is really shy and doesn't take the initiative. When we were chatting before we met up from OLD, I was the one who asked to met. He's very unsure of himself, and he's told me himself he is scared of rejection.

Anyway. The day after he dropped me home before Christmas he text me saying we should arrange to meet again. He keeps dropping hints in messages like "It will be more interesting to tell you this in person!" and "I'll have that debate with you in person."

Sigh - I don't know whether this is good or not.

[once removed]

Sigh - I don't know whether this is good or not.

dont wing it, lp.

if youre going to be in this relationship, steady support and feedback are really important.

right now, youre posting sporadically, not sure what it all means. understandable...he ended the relationship, and hes being hard to read.

things sound positive...could be worse, but im sure youd like a lot more clarity.

but lets say he wants to get back together tomorrow. then what?

thats what id be working out here. think ahead. 1 step, 5 steps, 10 steps ahead.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.