Silent treatment/withdrawl from relationship

[missyou]

It's been a month since my husband withdrew  he won't speak , make eye contact, leaves the room when I enter it - refused to respond to texts or messages- he wants me to "leave him alone"- and told me he doesn't want me to be in his life anymore. This episode started because he felt I spoke to him in the wrong tone of voice and asked him to do something he thought I should do myself.
This is the longest stretch- previously the longest was 2 weeks at the most- he said he has gone up to 8 months without speaking to other family members while living in the same house.
He has never been diagnosed as BPD but I believe he has a form of it as well as other admitted mental health issues- such as PTSD , depression and anxiety. He has been under more stress recently with a back injury and off work since May.
We have been married for 11 years celebrated our anniversary  in July - at that time he thanked me for "the best 11 years of his life"
now he wants me to "leave him alone" and can't believe I am playing "the victim"
I admit I am co-dependant - I want to leave him alone to regulate himself and have done this in the past-but I feel the longer this goes on the less chance of repair.
I would appreciate any advice to do what's best for him- but not enable him?  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I'm sorry you're dealing with the silent treatment.  It's a tremendously ineffective interpersonal strategy; some of our partners don't have the tools to identify and communicate their distress.  Applying pressure or expressing your needs will likely cause him to retreat.  Asking him what is wrong may even feel like pressure to him (actually, any question can feel like pressure).  He's also painted himself into a corner, because stopping the silent treatment may feel like he's "giving in" or losing power to you.

Be friendly, use a kind voice, and speak to him in a way that doesn't require a response.  If you'd like to know what he wants for dinner, you can say, "I wonder what you'd like for dinner," which isn't a question.  Any lifting of the silent treatment is likely to come about in a small and face-saving way.  If you get any sort of response out of him, you're on the right track.  Do your best to appear like you're totally unphased by the silent treatment, but also are slightly warmer than neutral and are open for connection.

You might also find it useful to read this educational page titled, Silent treatment:  when your partner pretends you don’t exist, this thread, BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment, and this thread on the silent treatment.

Do you have kids at home?  Are you able to go out with friends?  If you're able to enjoy some socialization with friends, that can take some of the pressure off of him, and also might make him want some of your attention.

RC

[missyou]

Thank you for your reply Radcliff- I appreciate your perspective and advice- I am struggling to know what to do that is best for all involved.
I am conflicted with wanting to give him his space but also not wanting him to think I have abandoned him, or that I don't care- we have been strongly enmeshed and I feel lost without him to talk to and share life with- I know this really isn't about me, that he is trying to protect himself but the total withdrawal is frightening to me.  He has a history of suicidal ideation- none since we have been together that I am aware of but because I know his history I am hypervigilant.   This probably just exacerbates him and that may be a contributing factor to him wanting to isolate in the spare bedroom.  He only comes out to go to the bathroom or make himself something to eat when he knows I am not around.
We do not have children at home- so I am relieved that isn't a complication to the already crazy making environment.
I do have friends and family that I keep in contact with and have tried to keep busy and go for walks etc to distract myself and try and keep positive and remind myself I have no control over him - only of myself.   I just find it very confusing due to our  history.He is very angry with me! He accuses  me of being selfish and uncaring and acting in a way I should know will make him react in this self destructive way.  He says he loses a little more of himself every time "I do this to him"  He is furious with me and thinks I should know by now  what triggers him to be so reactive and to always choose to runaway .  I am damned  if I do and damned if I don't - it's a no win situation. Seems everything I do is hurting him, and he feels I am inconsiderate of his feelings.  About a year ago he wrote me a letter telling me he had to go away- cause he didn't know where this mental state of his would take him and he didn't want me to be embarrassed so he was going to leave to protect me somehow.  Honestly in hind sight he has been threatening to leave ( ghost me) for the past 6 or more years- and everytime he says it, It is frightening to me.  I am constantly waiting for the day he runs away, and I feel incredibly sad for him.
I recently lost my brother suddenly and so I have been feeling sad and vulnerable and I think this has contributed to our current situation.  Seems if I am not 100% strong he can't cope with my vulnerabilities.
He recently told me that he didn't speak to his mother for 8 months while they still lived in the same house together- I don't know if he was preparing me for a similar episode? He feels abandoned for his whole life and mourns the loss of a normal childhood/life- he feels like he was never good enough.  I never want to abandon him- - but it is almost like he is sabotaging our relationship so I leave and so he can prove himself right.  I am at a loss as to what is the solution to this situation.

[Radcliff]

You are not alone.  Everything you've described has been experienced by other members.  Being trapped in no-win and mind-bending situations is tough to live with and can make us question our own reality sometimes.

It's super important to be taking care of yourself.  Keep doing the things you're doing and look for other opportunities.  If we are being threatened with losing the relationship, it's so easy to just orbit about worrying about all the things we can do for the relationship and lose ourselves.  As you pointed out, the stronger and healthier we are, the more able we are to be there for our partners and make them feel secure.

What are your needs in a relationship?

RC

[missyou]

thank you Radcliff-
so I left him a note yesterday morning before I left for work( he was in bed in the spare bedroom)
saying I cared for him, I was worried about how he was doing and was thinking of him. "I want to respect your need for being left alone and just wanted you  to know I am here if you need or want to talk.  Let me know if I can do anything for you"
and signed off with "Loving you since 2005"
 I also said there was food in the fridge for him if he wanted it.
I came home after work to find the note on the counter just where I left it with this response in capitals
OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER- YOU'VE GOT WHAT U WANTED
with his wedding ring left on the note.
I didn't respond. I wanted to barge into his room and ask him WTF he was up to - I didn't
I ignored it completely and acted like it never happened- just went about my usual evening routine -
I have been letting him know by text if I am going to be late coming home or there is a change in my routine- because in the past he said he worried so much if he didn't know where I was or if I was late.
I will stop that.
Reality sucks
I just need to take care of me now- being a classic "caretaker" I find taking care of me  is difficult- I like to take care of others, but me ? that is a different story.
I am very sad.
My needs? hmmmm- I would like a supportive, loving, companion that appreciates me for what I am- I am a good human- who deserves to be treated with respect- too much to ask ?

[Stillhopeful4]

Hi Missyou,

I'm sorry you are going thru this.  The silent treatment is awful.  I have been there with my UBPDw many times.

I just need to take care of me now- being a classic "caretaker" I find taking care of me  is difficult- I like to take care of others, but me ? that is a different story.
I am very sad.

I can relate to this as well.  This is me too.  In this process I'm learning how to take care of me.

Please post more.  The members here have been very helpful in getting me through some really rough times.

Best of luck to you,
SH4

[Ozzie101]

Hi missyou!

I'm so sorry. That sounds like a very hurtful and tricky situation to deal with. Many of us here have dealt with silent treatment. I've never had to face such a long stretch as you have, but my H has told me before about going days or months without speaking to certain people -- similar to yours.

It sounds like he's really struggling with negative feelings and, because he doesn't know how to handle them, is putting the blame on you. I've been there. Believe me. In fact, a lot of what you wrote, I could have written last year. I got "I want a divorce" flung in my face as well as "I really hate you right now" and "This is all your fault" and "You don't really care about me at all. If you did, you would [insert unreasonable demand here]." It's not fun.

It sounds like you reacted well to the note by not reacting.

Self-care doesn't always come naturally, I know. I was brought up to believe that doing things for others was the ultimate good and that it was also a way to help yourself feel better when you're down. It's been a work in progress trying to accept that, sometimes, we have to think of ourselves first and do things for ourselves instead of bending over backwards to accommodate others.

What are some things you can think of you might do to take care of yourself? For me, it's taking time for a cup of tea, a snack and a good book.

[missyou]

I know this may sound pathetic- but I feel like I need to just stay in a holding pattern right now and not react to this behaviour- because I feel a knee jerk reaction will only exacerbate the situation.
I know I am avoiding dealing with things  but I am really struggling to know what I should do-
I am trying to keep busy and distracted and develop some good feelings, cause I feel so  sad and defeated when I think of what the future holds.
It is going to be a bumpy ride for a few months - there is no easy solution that I can see.
I really appreciate all your perspectives and you sharing your experiences- it helps me feel less isolated. Thank you for sharing 

[Ozzie101]

Take it one day at a time. Don't try to tackle the whole project. Bite-sized pieces. It's like when I was in school and I'd get a syllabus at the start of term -- I always panicked because "Good grief! How am I going to get all this done?" It's overwhelming. But when you break it down over time, set small goals, it's much more doable.

[Radcliff]

Your plan to not have sharp reactions to his behavior, and to be measured and thoughtful is a good one.  You can't control him.  I'm not sure what you mean by "dealing with things."  If you mean a feeling like you should fix everything, then you're not avoiding dealing with things, you're being realistic.  The thing to not avoid is taking care of yourself.  I agree it can feel totally unnatural, even selfish for a caretaker.  You are a good human who deserves to be treated with respect!  B.t.w., your note was fantastic; I'm so sorry it didn't work out.

The best results with a pwBPD are obtained by a partner who has both compassion and strong boundaries.  We caretakers often get an "A" for compassion, but an "F" for boundaries and taking care of ourselves.  Though our partners may feel threatened by our boundaries and call us selfish for taking care of ourselves, it's critical for us to learn these new behaviors if things are going to work out in the long term.  It's pretty counterintuitive -- in order to give our relationships the best shot, we need to do something our partners are scared of and will say is hurting them.  Yikes.  We can get stuck in this conundrum for years and years.

A neat thing about starting to behave like we have value is that others around us may start to treat us better.  There's no guarantee, but if we continue to act like we have no value, it's a certainty that we won't be treated well.

There's a book called Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, that really helped open my eyes.  I think you'd find it helpful.  It's a bit heavy on the Bible references, but it's such a useful resource I still highly recommend it regardless of your level of faith.

RC

[missyou]

Thank you Radcliff!
I appreciate you're advice and perspective.
I will check out the book.  I am always happy to learn new things and welcome your feedback and suggestions.
Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge, it's helping me more than you know and gives me strengthto keep on keeping on

[Radcliff]

The knowledge and experience was generally gained by doing things wrong for many years    I'm hoping others can benefit from my missteps.  Please keep us up to date.

RC

[missyou]

I googled the book " Boundries"
it looks like it may be a good tool and help me with my lack of boundries with my H.  I did listen to a YouTube segment by the author and it was, as you said Radcliff, a bit heavy on the biblical references
 ( not really my thing) but I will sift through those and take what I need and leave the rest.

[missyou]

I was reading another thread from someone who said that their pwbpd was sensitive to smells. My H is extremely sensitive to smells, especially when he is having a flare in his disorder. Is that a symptom of the disorder?

[missyou]

 Not really any changes in my living situation, and I am fluctuating in how I am coping with the ongoing silent treatment and my H pretending I don't exist!  I am trying to act like it isn't effecting me, and just doing things as I usually do. It is difficult because we were so enmeshed. We are acting like hostile roommates now, He avoids being in the same space doesn't even want to look at me and it hurts.
I am ruminating that he is planning on ending his life or runaway and ghost me.
He has threatened running away for years.
I am trying to keep busy and have been getting together with family and friends as much as possible but I am distracted with wondering about him.   
He is still doing chores around the house and appears to be keeping his routine. I usually do the grocery shopping and because he has a very specific diet, I get him special things just for him. Is this enabling?  He manages to go to the store to get himself treats. I just feel I would be playing a game if I don't get the usual groceries. I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. Ugggh

[Radcliff]

Yes, it's tough when you have to think things through so much.  It's like walking on eggshells.  Hmm... someone should write a book with that title 

I don't think you're enabling him by buying him special things at the store.  It sounds sweet and thoughtful.  You're probably right that changing the routine might be interpreted in a way you don't want it to be.

It's really, really tough to constantly be under threat of being left.  I'm sorry you have to deal with it.  Many of us have had similar experiences.  My tendency was to soldier on without admitting to myself how much it was hurting me.  That probably didn't help in the long run.  Maintaining a strong support system outside the relationship doesn't fix the problem, but it can help give our souls vital nourishment and keep us going while we try to figure out the relationship.

That's good that he's keeping a routine.  How is his back doing?  What are the prospects for him returning to work?

RC

[missyou]

Thank you RC, for your support 
Yes someone should right a book, heehee.
I don't know how his back is, I asked how his last doc's appointment went and he blanked me.  He goes back on the 15th for a recheck and we will see if he gets an extension on his sick WCB benefit from then.   He doesn't want to go back to work, he is very sore and doesn't like his work environment.  It's all part of his bigger plan. A familiar pattern in his life.
I am concerned, but feel so impotent to do anything.
How did you deal with your pwbpd , did you ever confront them or did you just leave them to their own devices?

[Radcliff]

Too bad the work situation is complicated.  I found confrontation with my pwBPD to be very unsuccessful.  Tools like avoiding JADE and validation were very useful to me, but I also experienced the silent treatment and when that's going on, many of the tools don't seem relevant.  We have a page here that's not a direct hit on what you're going through, but I've got a sense it may be helpful to you.  Take a look at this link on how to get a borderline into therapy.  In addition to the article, there is a video at the end.  I'm not suggesting you campaign to get him into therapy, but the video is very helpful in explaining why confronting folks with mental illness with the fact that they're being dysfunctional is not effective.  Your question about confronting brought it to mind.  The video is super long, but I finally watched the whole thing one day and it helped me understand a lot. 

RC

[missyou]

Thank you for the link and suggestions for reading. I have suggested he /we get help in the past, and he said he would never share the details of his horrible life with anyone!
Yup that's where he's at with that, he just wants his pain to stop, and he is incredibly focused now on his physical pain and  inability to do the physical things he once excelled at. It was his identity. And now he feels useless.
He recently has alienated himself from the few family members he kept in contact with and so then it was just me in his circle. He said I was the only one who cared about him. Now he has painted me black soo he can justify to himself, that life is not worth living and he can finally do what he has wanted to do since he was 13 ...end his pain!
So sad

[Radcliff]

That's super tough on him that he is physically limited from performing a job that was his identity.  That's a huge stressor.  Is there a path to recovery, or is the restriction likely permanent?  Are you satisfied with his medical care and rehab?

RC

[missyou]

Hi Radcliff
He has been to a neurosurgeon and was told he wouldn't benefit from back surgery.  He has done physio therapy off and on for a year, but I feel that is a limited therapy for him.  He says it is only temporary relief for his back pain and has no long term benefit.  In the past he used to run as a therapy, (distraction) when he felt like he was heading into a dark place.  It seemed to help him sort through his scrambled thinking an seemed to stall the impulse to sabotage things. He can't do that now.
I feel this injury is permanent, he's soon 59 and he can't do hard physical labor any longer. He's been working hard for a long time and his body has taken a toll.

[missyou]

 So Sunday's are typically sad days for H, so  I sent him a simple text through what's app yesterday " thinking of you "
He blocked me, and left the group. I guess I shouldn't have sent that.  I felt it was a non threatening gesture, I guess he didn't feel the same.
I went for a walk with my sister in the afternoon for some "therapy"
I put laundry in the washer before I left, and when I got home, I saw it was done and put away. I also noticed that later in the day he unblocked me from WhatsApp. I took those actions as positive. I am so desperate for any reason to think positively!
Am I kidding myself?
I have done a lot of reading trying to understand his behaviours. I feel he has BPD tendencies and PTSD, but I am not a doctor. From what I have read, he has many traits and   dynamics of someone with BPD and PTSD. l that is the most reasonable  explanation for his behaviour. It makes me think this is "I hate you don't leave me" behaviour.
I feel like I am overthinking everything, trying to make sense of something, that I am not sure makes sense. 

[Ozzie101]

It's so easy to over-think -- and to drive ourselves crazy in the process. I've been there many, many times.

And you may be right. You may be trying to make sense of something that doesn't really make sense. That's a fool's errand.

Keeping up your self-care is vital. As Radcliff said, no, it won't make everything OK, but it can help you keep your emotional stamina up as you walk through this difficult time.

You can't bring him back to baseline. Only he can do that. Keep doing things you would normally do. Don't go above and beyond (that can be misinterpreted). Stay open to him but don't push.

And keep posting here. You can get through this.

[missyou]

Thanks all for your support and perspective- I truly appreciate it-
It keeps me heading in the right direction when I veer off on a tangent.

[Radcliff]

I think the unblocking and the laundry are in fact good signs.  I first wondered if thanking him might be good, but sometimes overt communications like that can backfire.  Is there any nice thing you could do for him that would be in a similar "language" that uses subtle actions, no words, and is not face-to-face?  Our pwBPD need to have non-threatening, face-saving ways to reconnect with us.  When we learn to recognize and reciprocate these subtle "bids" it can help us reconnect.  Sometimes a humorous approach that still gives them plausible deniability can work.  "I feel like I'm losing my mind today.  I did the wash, and don't remember folding it and putting it away.  I wonder what happened," with a little glint in your eye.

RC

[missyou]

I am  hesitant to try any more communication with H at this point due to his poor responses to my " love notes" the last time I attempted to reach out to him in what I thought was a non threatening approach.
I did buy him chocolate and cook him bacon...
Two things he loves. Lol 
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach?
And he says he wants me" to leave him alone"
So I will and hope he comes out of his cave.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340757.msg13085509#msg13085509

Thank you.