I don't half attract them

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So we all went on holiday to Turkey in August, myself, husband and daughter.  Turkish waiter takes a fancy to my daughter (which I know is what they are like) and they kept in contact when we got home. I also kept in contact with him so I could keep an eye on what he was chatting to my daughter about as there is an age difference.  He said he missed all of us and couldn't wait until we returned on holiday next year, also told my daughter he missed her.  Then he stopped contacting her dead after texting her one day asking how she was.  We also  believe he blocked her on snapchat soon afterwards as she didn't get the two tick notification that it was delivered or read.  He then popped back up last week asking her if she was ok; she replied and then radio silence again with the other message still showing the two greyed out ticks.  Fast forward to this week on instagram it looks as if he was in hospital (hard to work out why as in Turkish) so I sent him our best wishes and that I hoped he got well soon.  Two days later I got blocked on Instagram but not on facebook. Absolutely no reason at all.  Just blocked.  Daughter is still friends with him on there so now can't see any of their interaction.  It was then I started seeing the red flags again and thinking back he had liked a bunch of my daughter's photos and then had gone back and un-liked them again a few weeks later.

Oh my god; what is it with me (and now possibly my daughter) attracting these personalities?  I am wondering if I come across as 'too nice' and a warm friendly person.  I need help in recognising why I am attracting them as I don't want my daughter to also have this trait!

[insideoutside]

So we all went on holiday to Turkey in August, myself, husband and daughter.  Turkish waiter takes a fancy to my daughter (which I know is what they are like) and they kept in contact when we got home. I also kept in contact with him so I could keep an eye on what he was chatting to my daughter about as there is an age difference.  He said he missed all of us and couldn't wait until we returned on holiday next year, also told my daughter he missed her.  Then he stopped contacting her dead after texting her one day asking how she was.  We also  believe he blocked her on snapchat soon afterwards as she didn't get the two tick notification that it was delivered or read.  He then popped back up last week asking her if she was ok; she replied and then radio silence again with the other message still showing the two greyed out ticks.  Fast forward to this week on instagram it looks as if he was in hospital (hard to work out why as in Turkish) so I sent him our best wishes and that I hoped he got well soon.  Two days later I got blocked on Instagram but not on facebook. Absolutely no reason at all.  Just blocked.  Daughter is still friends with him on there so now can't see any of their interaction.  It was then I started seeing the red flags again and thinking back he had liked a bunch of my daughter's photos and then had gone back and un-liked them again a few weeks later.

Oh my god; what is it with me (and now possibly my daughter) attracting these personalities?  I am wondering if I come across as 'too nice' and a warm friendly person.  I need help in recognising why I am attracting them as I don't want my daughter to also have this trait!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi InsideOutside, 

It can be quite unsettling when we see the potential of life repeating itself, the unhealthy part of life that we don't want to pass on to anyone ever. Is that perhaps how you are feeling?

I remember pretty clearly a moment in time when I had to ask myself a similar question with regards to my husband of 35 years: what am I doing that is contributing to the repeated pattern of behavior I'm seeing? It began a time of deep reflection and seeking in my life. This doesn't necessarily mean that you are the one causing the issue, and I don't mean to imply that at all. For me it did mean that I wanted to look at what was going on and see if there were things maybe I could change to make my life healthier. I couldn't change what DH was doing, no matter how much I tried to influence his choices (aka exercising a certain amount of control). I had to take several steps back and work on me.

Do you have any observations as to what you think is going on?

 
Wools

[insideoutside]

Hi Woolspinner

I do think I am co-dependent.  My mother I believe was BPD due to the way she was raised.  I never received any real love from her, no warmth, never remember being hugged.  Always being shouted at, sworn at, never believed etc.  She never validates my feelings and always turns it in to a competition about who got it hardest with her always playing the victim.  My dad left when I was just over a year old and never knew him.  

I fret about things and people and if I see somebody that needs help I tend to want to save them.  That was my biggest issue with my old friend; just wanted to save him from his life spiralling out of control.  I have huge empathy for lots of things, but not everything.  I'm quite cold towards some social issues, but others I do fret over them, especially bullying.  I can't watch any of the video's that do the rounds on social media of kids being kicked the crap out of.  Turns my stomach.    My daughter is seemingly the same.  She has a soft heart, especially towards animals and wants to be a counsellor as she likes helping people.  I make sure I tell her I love her all the time, give her cuddles when she is down, encourage her with her studies and build her up when she feels she's not good enough for people.   She got a great report last week not only praising her being on target to hit her grades but also for her kindness and helpfulness to others.  I don't think I am making her co-dependent.  Maybe I am over idealising her?  Don't get me wrong, I do pull her up when I think she is behaving badly and don't always take her side.  I just hope she doesn't become a soft target for people with personality disorders like me.  

I just feel so disappointed in people.  I am always nice and kind and reach out with warmth and concern when it appears they are going through a hard time but I just seem to get it so wrong at times.