Sister contacted me after long period of nc

[Sandalwood]

Hi,
I have never posted before, even though I have been a member for almost 2 years. I haven’t looked in here for almost as long because my sister cut me off in January 2018 and it has been nice and peaceful.

It is a long story (what isn’t?) but I am here now because I don’t know what to do. I am hoping some of you will have some experience or suggestions to share about my current situation with my uBP sister. At least, I think she is undiagnosed… she goes through therapists like revolving doors. I have never known her not to have a therapist. She may have been told at some point that she had BPD. If so, I expect she would have fired that therapist on the spot and moved onto a new one.

She is almost 8 years older than me. I am 64 now. I was very close to her and loved her very much. We had a fun relationship and did all kinds of things together. I got very good at getting out of her way when she was angry, which was a lot of the time, but usually not at me. When it was me she was focused on I would just remove myself and lay low. Her description would be that I stopped speaking to her, but in truth I was getting away from any abuse she might hurl my way. She can be venomous.

I began to realize about 15 years ago that she seemed to be emotionally dependent on me. Sometimes my husband would ask why I was “counselling” her a lot. It hadn’t occurred to me. It was just part of our relationship.

I won’t go into the whole history here… it is a lifetime… but, the last decade has been a very rough ride. It is since the death of my parents - my mom 11 years ago, my dad 9 years. I was Executor. My sister went off the rails after his death and we have been in conflict ever since. She started off 14 days after he died with angry emails and they just kept coming, worsening with each one. I didn’t know what she was angry about because they were confusing. I was so upset by three of them I deleted them after reading and rereading them several times. Bad move. She later asked me why I had pulled away from her at that time and when I told her, using all “I” statements,  she denied all of it and I had no proof. To this day she is denying what I recounted to her.

A great deal has taken place, including my sister trying to get me in trouble with the law and smearing me to my entire family. She asked my en sister to intervene which she did with only uBPs sister’s story. uBPs sat back and let her big sister fight her battles for her. I was then being attacked by both of them. For what? Telling the truth and staying quiet, keeping to myself, out of the circus. My relationship with my en eldest sister is irreparably damaged.

My position has always been to lay extremely low and say little. I learned that at a very young age. My habit was to get out of her way when she got that dark cloud across her face. My silence has been translated as abandonment by my sister, but in truth, it was just my way of removing myself from her abuse. And, I did stay in touch, just not as much, and without the closeness that we used to share.

There have been periods of nc, which have been a huge relief for me. There have also been attempts on both our parts to reconcile. The problem is, every time I thought things were looking a bit better there would be some awful backlash from her that would throw me back into my silence again.

I took a course on forgiveness to help me be in the same room with her at a family reunion. I enrolled in Melanie Tonia Evans’ Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program because I thought that was what I was up against. It was very helpful. After a psychotherapist friend suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells I have read every book on BPD I could find, and completed the workbook.

My sister and I have been nc for almost 2 years and it has been a peaceful relaxed time in my life.

In January 2018 my sister contacted me by email when she was diagnosed with cancer. I said I was willing to put the past behind us and help if I could. I said I would be there if she wanted my support. I told her I had always loved her. She said, “That was not love.”
I apologized for the pain I had caused her with my choices. Not acknowledged.
I said we had both made mistakes and I hoped our love for each other would help us to reconcile.
She answered with one sentence, “I have made no mistakes whatsoever.”
She said she wanted no communication from me during this stressful time. I said I would respect her wishes, but if she changed her mind I would come.

What followed 2 days later was a vicious email, over 1000 words, listing every perceived evil deed I had done since I was 11 years old. She hurled abuse at me. It was a confusing letter of insults, rewritten history, fabrications and accusations. She used the word “abandoned” three times. She closed it by saying she didn’t care about the consequences of what she had said. She said she would not allow any communication from me, even through our siblings.

So, our relationship was over. And, I was not allowed to even inquire about her state of health. Just like when she manipulated my niece to exclude me from a family party, I was now devastated again. I went to a therapist for the first time in almost 30 years. I lucked out. I didn’t know it when I started with him, but BPD was his area of expertise. He had even worked very closely with Marsha Linehan for three years. He was wonderful. After hearing my stories and reading my sister’s emails to me he said she looked like a classic textbook pwBPD.

My life has been peaceful, happy, and relaxed since working with him and gaining an understanding. The nc time has given me a drama-free period to focus on my own life. I have a great husband, terrific friends, a nice community and a successful business. I am perfectly happy being estranged from her.

Two weeks ago I got an email from her. She opens with the non-violent communication technique that I have used to open emails to her. She says “we have both used harsh words” which is like my “we have both made mistakes” phrase that I used a couple of years ago. The harsh words part isn’t actually true. I have shown impatience with her twice and I was very careful not to be harsh. However, she is trying. She is polite, but she doesn’t apologize, or say she wants to reconcile, she just says that the family has taken sides. That hasn’t been my experience either. uBP sister trashed and discarded my brother earlier this year, but that was about stuff they had with each other (or should I say, stuff she had with him) but other than that I have been impressed with how well the rest of the family has handled the ongoing conflict. I have supported my brother through the shock and pain.

She says we are afraid of each other (not my feeling). She says she is grateful for the close friendship and trust we once had.

I’m cautious, very cautious.

The thing is, I feel that I should respond seeing as she is finished all her treatments now and apparently is on the road to health. I am torn between painful, ugly memories of her vitriolic attacks and all the drama, and a little glimmer of hope that we might at least have some small bit of peace between us, for the sake of our family.

I honestly don’t know what to do, and I really hate the ball being in my court. It is far better when I don’t hear a peep from her.

[formflier]

I'm glad you finally reached out to share your story.

I'm voluntarily estranged (means my choice) from most of my in-laws, and I know exactly what you mean by saying you are perfectly happy with it.

My life has been peaceful, happy, and relaxed since working with him and gaining an understanding. The nc time has given me a drama-free period to focus on my own life. I have a great husband, terrific friends, a nice community and a successful business. I am perfectly happy being estranged from her.
 

I suppose if there was ever "real change" or a real interest in my feelings, I would consider some contact with them.   The trick is figuring out if there is "real change".

Have you responded at all?

What does your gut say you should do?

I'll check back soon for your reply.

Best,

FF

[Sandalwood]

Hello formflier,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.
 
I like the term "voluntarily estranged" because that feels about right for my current feeling. My separation from her is a matter of self-respect and self-care. On an energy level it is no good to allow someone to abuse you, but it is no good for them either. Both of you suffer.

I am giving some thought to what you said about real change, and if they have any interest in your feelings. I have felt throughout most of this that uBP had no interest whatsoever in my feelings. It has been all about her. But, my eldest sister asked a lot of questions in the beginning. As it turned out, everything I said went directly back to uBP and enS's interference made things worse.

So, yes, it certainly is a tricky thing to figure out if there is any interest in my feelings, especially when we are so very far apart now. I have to give this some thought, and connect with my gut, because I know my caution has good reason. Thanks so much for asking that question.

I haven't responded. It came in the form of an e-card for Thanksgiving which was nice, but it could also be a double-edged sword. She can tell if I have opened the card, so she knows that I have read it.

Last night I read the card again before going to bed. I felt very sad. In some ways it seems like a farewell, which is OK, but the compassion in me was also tugged. Plus compassion for myself for all that I, and we, have been through. For how it has affected my family. For how it has damaged the fibre of our family.

She has been through the ordeal of major surgery and chemo, hair falling out, all of it, and now she is cancer-free (I hear through the rest of the family). I hoped against hope that she would have some kind of epiphany through all of this. A life-threatening illness can certainly make you take stock of your life. However, I was very saddened to see that she went after my brother in the same way she did after me, and that was since her treatment ended. No change, from the looks of it.

Thank you very much, formflier, for your attention and support.

[Sandalwood]

Hi,
I wrote here 3 weeks ago about how I didn't know what to do when my uBP sister contacted me. I wasn't sure if it was bait and she was stirring the pot, or if she was genuinely trying to connect with me. We have had no contact since she raged at me and dismissed me almost 2 years ago.

Today I am hurting because she went on Facebook and talked openly about how she is going to spend Christmas with my niece and her family. I miss family Christmases, very much. I haven't been able to travel at Christmas for years because of my husband's work and it is quite a distance. Anyway, I felt that my uBP sister was deliberately posting when what she had to say would have been better as a private message to my niece, and I felt that she was doing it because she knew I would see it. S unfriended me, suddenly, 8 years ago, so if she wants me to see stuff she posts on the pages of other family members. Anyway, I expect she was conveying a message like, "See, I have a relationship with the family and I am going to be with them." Her message of 3 weeks ago said, "the family has taken sides" which isn't really my experience. I find that, with the exception of my eldest sister (who has become BP's negative advocate) the rest of the family navigates the estrangement between BP and I very well. I thought her comment about taking sides might be bait...trying to get me to say, who? when?
 
uBP S takes whatever chance she can get to convey a message about how much she loves her family, yet she has dismissed both my brother and I.

I have guilt about how all of this came about (my first post talks about my dad's death and what happened) because I chose not to respond to her email rage. I was in no state to do so 2 weeks after he died when I was dealing with my dad's estate and clearing his apartment at the assisted living facility, so I just let my sister's out-of-the-blue rage slide. Then more emails came and they got nastier and nastier. I didn't respond.

Months later she asked me repeatedly to tell her why I was "mad" at her, when in fact I had simply removed myself from her abuse. I finally wrote her an email describing how I felt (all "I" statements) with her hostility while the family was in mourning. I ended that email with a request that we not discuss this again and could we please leave it behind us. She denied all of it. Then the gaslighting started. She claimed she never said or did those things, she said she didn't remember, she said her computer (conveniently) crashed and she had no recollection of any of the things she said, and she had no record in her crashed email. However, she is equally adamant that she didn't say one particular nasty thing because her amnesia is remarkably selective.

I'm so tired of this... it has been almost 10 years since my dad died. My T said that she will go on with this forever and it certainly looks that way. Her blame is never-ending. I wish my T was still in business, but he retired a year ago.

What do I do with my rage? I have worked myself into the ground these last few years, possibly because it helped me to think about something else other than my family being torn mostly apart, and the blame that has been levelled at me and the smearing directed at me. She accuses me of what she does.

I don't know what to do with my anger right now. I SO want this to be over. I have tried kindness, withdrawal, reaching out, pulling away, staying neutral, empathy, compassion, an apology for any and all pain I have caused her, and olive branches in the form of a (refused) invitation to lunch, and birthday gifts. I have made more attempts to reconcile than she has, but I think she is completely blind to that. She is focused on what she calls my refusal to talk, but that is a fraction of my reactions. I didn't want to "discuss" IT because I knew it wouldn't be a difficult conversation, it would be an impossible one.

I have kept my distance because I am simply not up for a circular, endless conversation. Every time I thought things were better between us there would be some shocking backlash that came out of nowhere. She has ignored most of my birthdays these last few years and I have ignored 2 of hers, since she dismissed me. I don't feel right about it, but it would be connecting, and connecting is too risky. I have had a fair bit of peace since she dismissed me. But, now she's back. I haven't responded.

So, here I am, almost 10 years later, still caught in ambivalence, still wanting to connect but not daring to, and not wanting to connect as well, frustrated beyond belief, angry and sad, and so, so, so fed up. And yet, I still find myself getting empathetic to her pain, concerned about her health, and nostalgic for the good years when we were friends who laughed a lot (with occasional weird outbursts and attacks on her part), and I am so sad that my family is fractured by this 90% estrangement that affects everyone.

I told my brother that she had contacted me. He said he wouldn't know what to do if she contacted him. We are both caught in this strange web. We don't talk about it much, but we are both aware of it.

That was long. Thank you for listening. 

[Sandalwood]

I wrote the previous post earlier today. It was cathartic. I realized later that as long as I am hurt, angry and/or confused she has me where she wants me.

I also realize that she can smear me all she wants to because she knows very well that I won't fight and I won't expose her. I will keep my mouth shut. I imagine she is counting on that. And, I still feel it is the best choice for me. Challenging her would lead to... eek... I hate to think! It would be very difficult for me not to JADE as well, because I could easily undo her rewritten history (I have kept all her emails) and I have made notes through the years. But, and I think most people here would agree, proving her wrong could be disastrous in that it would blow up in my face.

I have never come right out with it and set a strong NC boundary for good. I have set boundaries with my silence, for the most part. Years ago I told her I wanted a 6 month period of discernment. She has rewritten that story and thrown it back at me, all twisted.

If I did finally just say OK, we're NC now, there would be an extinction burst. Plus, I would have to give up my lingering fantasy that love conquers all and that we can be sisters again. Facing facts...

Thanks to everyone here.

[formflier]

Hey...you've certainly thought about and written about a lot of stuff today.  Solid work! How do you feel?

Can I challenge you to do something extra special for yourself tonight?  I'd like to hear about what you do for yourself.

What I think is healthy about your ideas is that you are facing facts and thinking long term.

Why not be kind to yourself tonight, I've got some ideas to share with your tomorrow.  For now...let's focus on you!

Best,

FF

[Sandalwood]

Hi formflier,
Thanks so much! Yes, it was quite a day. I had an epiphany when I realized she has me where she wants me. I started singing Chain of Fools by Aretha Franklin   and had a laugh.

I appreciate the challenge you gave me for tonight. I just booked a massage for Wednesday. It is something I have been putting off, and now you have nudged me to do it. Thanks!

I look forward to your ideas tomorrow. For tonight, I will sleep well.

Many thanks!

[formflier]

Sleep tight!

Chat more tomorrow.

Best,

FF