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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: 4.5 months of NC and I find out she's already 1 month pregnant  (Read 796 times)
hmf2234

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: October 30, 2019, 07:27:12 PM »

Well, hello again guys. Have to say my NC is going well and emotionally I feel fairly detached... Matter of fact, out of curiosity I checked her instagram and I see a post she made a few hours ago letting the world know she is pregnant and due june 2020. Which means she has been pregnant for about a month now!

My jaw dropped in absolute disbelief and I literally started laughing out loud. To me this is absolute insanity and can't help to think to myself "dude, you just dodge one hell of a bullet!"

She had very insane like baby fever when she was still with me last year, and throughout the push-pull "post breakup" cycle she kept on about how we should still try to have a baby together as recently as this past march.

She moves 1000 miles away on a whim catching her entire family by surprise and starts a relationship with mr. new supply in june. 4 months later she is pregnant. Idk if it didn't hit me yet, maybe its initial shock of finding out the news, but I don't feel any sadness or panic. If anything, I feel sorry for the guy because he has no idea what he is in for. They haven't even been together for a full 5 months yet! that blows my mind!

Talk about moving too fast! This is just on another level!
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Longterm
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
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« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2019, 07:59:36 PM »

Checking her Instagram is still a form of contact. It is difficult but I feel that we have to put the effort in ourselves to further the detachment process. Why did you feel the need to check? This can often keep us stuck in the dynamics at play and it is probably best for YOU to be kind to yourself here.

They do move on quick dont they? My ex is sterilized but I think if she wasnt then there would be another child in the mix.

If your ex is 1000 miles away then I would think that's very healthy for you. Many here experience seeing their exes on a regular basis and have to deal with all that that entails.

I understand you being shocked though and I think that's a fairly normal response given the circumstances. The more time and distance you get, the easier it will become, hang in there  Smiling (click to insert in post)

LT.
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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Pytagoras
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« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2019, 03:51:02 AM »

My exBPDgf is about to move to another country with her recent new bf and i think the same situation can happen with her. She talked a lot about having a baby.

She was pregnant of me in the begining, with 1 month r/s but i decided for the abortion and thats something i feeled a lot of guilt about, so i dont know how i will react if happens.
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hmf2234

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« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2019, 06:49:21 AM »

Checking her Instagram is still a form of contact. It is difficult but I feel that we have to put the effort in ourselves to further the detachment process. Why did you feel the need to check? This can often keep us stuck in the dynamics at play and it is probably best for YOU to be kind to yourself here.

Thank you for the reply LT,

Didn't really realize that checking someones social media "to see what they are up to" is a form of contact. I just assumed it meant actual contact like phone calls, texting, emails and such. Speaking of which, I ignored yet another one of her phone calls last week. It was a restricted phone number, so I know for a fact it was her, wonder if she called to tell me personally before she made a public social media post her pregnancy.

Emotionally I have seemed to move on, I no longer feel depressed, panicky, or anxious. First two months of NC have been absolutely painful, but now I am no where near that place. I guess I check her social media from time to time in hopes that I see them crash and burn after they've been moving forward faster than any neurotypical would consider "healthy". In my mind I feel like it will give me ultimate validation and confirmation that maybe it wasn't all my fault after all, that she couldn't truly love or be happy with anyone and that it was her all along, and not just me. In a way I'm glad I found this out because I feel like it just proves how absolutely insane this girl is, I feel a sense of closure having found this out.

My exBPDgf is about to move to another country with her recent new bf and i think the same situation can happen with her. She talked a lot about having a baby.

She was pregnant of me in the begining, with 1 month r/s but i decided for the abortion and thats something i feeled a lot of guilt about, so i dont know how i will react if happens.

I am sorry to hear about the guilt you feel over your decision, I cant even imagine how conflicted I would feel if I were in your shoes. Thankfully I used protection during our 3 year relationship so I never had any scares. I know my ex's longing to have a baby bordered on the brink of insanity... hell... I did consider it insanity. I felt she wanted a child to fill a void that we all know could never be filled or satisfied. To me that is absolutely irresponsible, the child gets no say in the mothers insane selfish choices.

My real question is, doesn't anybody in her circle realize how absolutely insane it is to go "on vacation", only to never return... then 3 weeks later get an apartment with this person, and 3 months after that being pregnant? Does not one person find this odd? like at all? no red flags? everyone is just supportive of all this? this blows my mind.
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« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2019, 01:10:41 PM »

Excerpt
Didn't really realize that checking someones social media "to see what they are up to" is a form of contact. I just assumed it meant actual contact like phone calls, texting, emails and such. Speaking of which, I ignored yet another one of her phone calls last week. It was a restricted phone number, so I know for a fact it was her, wonder if she called to tell me personally before she made a public social media post her pregnancy. 
 

Any form of contact can play havoc with our emotions, its happening to you right now. I know from experience that you will begin to feel much better during NC. Looking at anything relating to her or answering a call etc can have devastating consequences and set you back significantly. This is why its important to try to think about what you need right now. You have had an awful experience and this will affect you for some time, what can hmf do to help hmf through this difficult time? Try to get back in touch with who you are and what you enjoy, whether that be friends, hobbies etc. But also try to accept that you will be up and down emotionally for a while, and this is ok. During "up" periods I try to enjoy it as much as possible, and during "down" periods I remind myself that given the circumstances, it's normal to feel down. I also know that I will not be down forever and at some point, I will go up again.

Excerpt
  Emotionally I have seemed to move on, I no longer feel depressed, panicky, or anxious. First two months of NC have been absolutely painful, but now I am no where near that place. I guess I check her social media from time to time in hopes that I see them crash and burn after they've been moving forward faster than any neurotypical would consider "healthy". In my mind I feel like it will give me ultimate validation and confirmation that maybe it wasn't all my fault after all, that she couldn't truly love or be happy with anyone and that it was her all along, and not just me. In a way I'm glad I found this out because I feel like it just proves how absolutely insane this girl is, I feel a sense of closure having found this out.

Yes, the first few months are brutal. You will move through your emotions and revisit them from time to time, again, it's normal.

I know from personal experience that the same dynamics are replicated in all their relationships. I have witnessed it unfold in front of me. I received my validation long ago, what did it change? And how did it make me feel? It changed nothing and for the most part I found it deeply upsetting because of the pain and suffering inflicted on those involved.

Shes not insane, she just has issues that happen to be more debilitating than others issues. BPD is a horrible disorder, one that you cant fix, no matter how hard you try. You are better off thinking about your needs.

LT.
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Pytagoras
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« Reply #5 on: October 31, 2019, 04:10:42 PM »

Excerpt
I felt she wanted a child to fill a void that we all know could never be filled or satisfied. To me that is absolutely irresponsible, the child gets no say in the mothers insane selfish choices.

That's right. And the child will be fed up with all that pressure. My ex manipulated me into pregnancy with 1 month r/s. She didn't even took the next day pill to prevent the pregnancy, and lied to me. Everything to fill that void and to force a comitment.

Excerpt
then 3 weeks later get an apartment with this person, and 3 months after that being pregnant? Does not one person find this odd? like at all? no red flags? everyone is just supportive of all this? this blows my mind.

My exBPDgf was with me when she was already with her new bf. She told me she was going to another country alone, and there was no other person involved. But there was. And she was already in a facebook status comitted. And lying to me like that. 3 weeks later, they made a joint facebook account (3 weeks later!), something she tried with me and i refused (but with me was at 5 month). So toxic!

It's just crazy! Completely unreasonable attitudes and choices for their lifes. In the aftermath, they are only fooling themselves, because they are the ones who suffer the most with their decisions. But, what can we do about it? We only can take care of ourselves. The same attitudes were there when they were with us. And something hooked us.

In my case, i think her family knows how she is. I mean, they don't know everything, since she hides a lot, but they know enough. Her mother and other familly members always like my publications on Facebook, my photos, etc. Even after her smear campaigns. In your case, also. Didn't you said she cutted ties with familly in this new adventure of hers ?

I'm glad you feel better now. You can remain NC and you will be improving more and more. But beware of new r/s like this. I am almost certain i will be tested again.
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« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2019, 12:30:08 AM »

Excerpt
I proposed with the hopes she would stop being so insecure and stop hounding me about it. 6 months later I got replaced and discarded.

I hurt really bad immediately following the discard, but now that the dust has settled, like you... I ABSOLUTELY resent her. I think hate is a really strong word, but every once of my being feels like saying that I actually hate her.

ouch.

at one time, you were planning to marry this woman. this would be pretty painful news for me.

how are you holding up?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
hmf2234

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« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2019, 07:42:41 AM »

In your case, also. Didn't you said she cutted ties with familly in this new adventure of hers ?

She did have a falling out with her own family when she initially told them shes going on vacation to Florida and simply never came back. I'm pretty sure there were some heated arguments over the phone between them that led her to blocking her parents and her sister on social media. That lasted about 4-6 weeks, family is family after all and all parties came to terms with what happened then "kissed and made up". They have been unblocked since.

As far as my family and friends, yea... she cold turkey blocked everyone, to everyone's surprise because all my friends and family absolutely adored her. Not one person could say a bad thing about her.

ouch.

at one time, you were planning to marry this woman. this would be pretty painful news for me.

how are you holding up?

I was planning to marry her eventually, but this wasn't something I was "gun ho" enthusiastic about. I always felt like something was off, I saw the red flags but I willingly chose to "accept them for who she is". But in the back of my mind I was always sketched out and uneasy about those "red flags", they made me question the future and possible "what ifs".

I always looked back at how she pressured me into being in a relationship with her even when I initially told her I was not interested, but she was very adamant and pushy. Since I wanted to be single and not interested in a relationship at the time she even went as far as to propose and open relationship. She said "i don't care if you want to see other people, I just really want to be with you".

So after pressuring me about the idea I eventually started to contemplate it, at the time I was 29 and I never been in a serious relationship before... so i asked myself "you can't be this single bachelor guy forever, you will need to settle down eventually, this girl seems like a nice person and she is really into you, maybe you should give this relationship thing a go". So I did.

I'd say about a year into our relationship I finally started developing some serious feelings for her, which is when I found out she cheated on me... and like an idiot I forgave her. Year and a half later I proposed to her in brazil, and six months later she left me for new supply. The following 8 months were a push-pull hell, full of manipulation, future faking, false hopes of reconciling, I was being played while she was lining up multiple suitors. At one point she had 4 of us lined up, eventually she chose to flee to florida for her final choice. Now 4 months later she's already pregnant.

After all that I can say that currently Im doing fine for the most part. I thought seeing her pregnant in less than 5 months would devastate me, but in all actuality I feel numb. They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference... So I guess I haven't gotten there yet considering I'm still harboring these feelings of resentment towards her.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2019, 07:51:29 AM by hmf2234 » Logged
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