Family health situation

[Ray2017]

Found out a few hours ago that what my dad thought was a gallbladder issue is actually a tumor on his pancreas. More tests are needed for a prognosis, but I know this is very bad news. How does this relate to BPD? My dad is one of the very few I can talk to about what it’s really like at home (I don’t tell him everything-  like the HI, or frequency of the SI). I know that probably sounds incredibly selfish- the man most likely has just about the worst type of cancer, and I’m worried about my support system. I feel guilty even thinking that. I know my parents are going to need so much help (for example, they have horses, and my dad does most of the heavy lifting, etc. - he’s not going to be able to keep up). I’m more than happy to make sacrifices and do everything I can to help them (I’m an only child, so there’s just me as backup) but I can anticipate my H will become resentful of this at some point.

My H was trying very hard to be kind to me in the few hours since we found out. I know it’s difficult for him too- my dad has been a father figure to him for a long time, and they’re very close (when my H is not splitting him, or course. My dad is a frequent subject in my H’s dysregulations). I found myself not wanting my H’s comfort at all. I don’t feel I can express to him how this has rocked my already precarious (at times) emotional state, coping with his expressed emotions and actions, because he doesn’t want to hear how his behavior may affect me (it’s “not helpful” to him to bring it up). The only one, in his mind, who has suffered (especially with the hospitalization) is him. How do I keep my head above water emotionally, stay strong for my kids (who adore my dad) and, most importantly my parents, and feel this smoldering resentment towards my H at the same time? How do I balance grief over this situation and deal with the dysregulations and rages, which are sure to still come at some point? I’m so afraid I’m going to snap.

My parents want to keep this quiet until they know exactly what they’re dealing with, and the isolation already feels suffocating even though it’s only been a few hours. So I’m turning to you, internet strangers, to help me get through this initial wave of strong emotions if anyone has advice on how to weather a major life storm, with the added wrinkle of having a uBPDh.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

Ray, I am so sorry to hear about your dad! It is a huge shock. If its any help, one does survive the most horrific events, I myself have survived the death of both my parents, three other deaths in the family, two car accidents and a financial meltdown in the past two years. Miraculously, my relationship with a BPD partner looks like it has a chance of surviving, too. Anything is possible. It is not easy, but it can be done. What do you do for self care? To get through what lies ahead you are going to have to be strong. Think about the things that make you strong. It sounds like your relationship with partner is quite conflictual at the moment, so maybe giving some thought to what would lessen the conflict would help to not drain your energies?
We're here for you. 

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, Ray. That's so much to have on your plate. Dealing with a BPD partner or a (possibly) seriously ill parent is bad enough. Both at the same time?

You're right that traumas in our own lives can trigger our BPD loved ones. Like your H, mine was very loving and supportive to me initially when I had a health crisis and a very sudden family death last year. But, eventually, it led to dysregulation on his part.

In my case, I accepted my H's support and used positive reinforcement there. When he started to dysregulate, I pulled back. One thing I've been working on is defining what's "mine" and what's "his" and not letting "his" stuff bleed into my life.

I understand your guilty feelings. I feel that way about my grandmother. She's been my biggest supporter and confidante my whole life, but she's getting very old now and I worry what will happen when she's gone. Not the "right" way to think, but there it is. Do you have any other support system you can turn to? As khibomsis says, we can offer support too.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Ray-

I’m so very sorry that your beloved dad is ill.  We can pray for a positive outcome, that they’ve found it early.

Now what I’m about to say may seem odd, but please stick with me for a moment.  You’ve said that your H sees your dad as a father figure and has for a long time.  And you’re an only child.  Your dad has one daughter.  And in effect, one son (your H).

So... when you talk about your dad to H, say “dad”, not “my” dad... DAD, “share” the entire load with your H.  The fear, the sadness, the work with the horses... WE need to help out DAD and mom.  “We’re their kids, they need us now”.  You see?  Share everything, and perhaps your H will step up and be in lockstep WITH you through this journey.  In this, he is more like a son to your dad. YES, he’s still your H, but his feelings toward your dad are his.  Let him have those.  It DOES NOT lessen your bond or closeness with your dad.  YOU know this.

Thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ray2017]

Thanks for your support. I’m feeling a little calmer than I was when I posted (I’d cycle from panic, to deep sadness and back again). Rational thought in the wee hours is not my speciality.

Khibomsis- I’m sorry you had such a rough time span. I’ve been working diligently with the tools I’ve learned here. They have helped me, but I haven’t seen improvements with my H, but I’m definitely working to not make it worse. As for self-care, that’s a work in progress. It’s encouraging to know your relationship with your SO is surviving your rough times!

Ozzie- our H’s sounds similar, and what you experienced is what I anticipate. I appreciate you sharing your game plan- that will be definitely be helpful.

Gems- you’re absolutely right. I DO want my H to be involved, and I know he will be. I’m recognizing that my not wanting comfort from him is me putting myself on the delightful Karpman Triangle in the victim mode and I’m doing my best to pull out of that and take any comfort I can get. I have no issues sharing attention/affection from my parents- I actually feel way more comfortable when the focus is on someone else.

Still have to wait for the prognosis of how much time he has (the survival rate is so low), and to make sure we get as much time with him as we can get. As awful as the last 24 hours have been, he’s still here and I’m trying to remember that. Staying busy has helped, too.

I really, really appreciate everyone’s support more than I can express.

[khibomsis]

Dear Ray, tough times is when we discover resources in ourselves we did not know you we had. You are going to make it through this. We got you.