4 years later- what's it like? 9 tips for healing and moving on

[cloudten]

Hi all,

It's been a very long time since I posted here. It's been 4 years since I last encountered my bpdxbf in the court room, when I requested a restraining order after he  tried to kill me.

4 years. I can't believe it's been that long. In some ways it feels like yesterday, and in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

I am proof that if you truly want to get out of it... You can.

What was absolutely critical to my success?

1. No contact. I cut every possible thread. It is absolutely critical.
2. If it hurts, don't do it. Don't Google them, drive past their house, etc. If it is going to hurt you, don't do it. No good can come of it.
3. LOVE YOURSELF LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT! BECAUSE IT DOES!
4. Go to therapy- it saves your friendships and helps you address reasons why you allowed yourself to be abused.
5. Give yourself permission to ruminate. As you start to become clearer, and distance helps that, only allow yourself to ruminate for a limited time. Cut it shorter and shorter each day.
6. Move on when you can... Finding a relationship where I could trust again truly helped me know that there are still decent people out there, and that I can make better choices.
7. Ask yourself "if I love myself, truly and deeply, would I allow myself to go through this or be treated like this?" If the answer is no, then don't do it!
8. Lean on the Lord. Get in the Bible. Scripture helps so much. Find a church home.
9. Persevere. don't give up!

How long did it take me? It seemed like multiples of 3. 3 seconds, 3 minutes, 3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, 3 years...  Each increment I felt better.

If I can get out of it, have healthy relationships, and move on, anyone can. Life is very good without walking on eggshells all the time. I love how healthy my life is now. I see major red flags a mile away. I know when someone isn't healthy, and I don't try to fix it... I know when to walk away, and that has made all the difference.

Much love to you all  ❤️

[Mutt]

Hi cloudten,

Good for you! I’m glad to hear from an old member and I’m also glad that things are going well for you ( I didn’t have any doubts that life wasn’t going to get better )

Thanks for your words of advice to help out a fellow member   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey cloudten, I like what you are saying.  Number three jumps out at me (I note you used all Caps).  My task, as I understand it, is to love myself enough that I will never allow myself to be the object of anyone's abuse again.  It sounds easy, but is actually pretty hard for us Nons, who usually have codependent tendencies.

Hope you won't mind if I add a few pointers to your list:

10.  Listen to your gut feelings;
11.  Strive to be authentic;
12.  Surround yourself with those who treat you well;
13.  Find self-esteem from within;
14.  Keep good boundaries;
15.  Seek out kind and considerate romantic partners.

You get the idea.  Thanks for sharing your progress!

LuckyJim

[zachira]

I love your list. It always helps to hear from those who have rebuilt their lives after some horrendous years. I hope you will help others on this site, as we really need role models for our members.