How do I proceed?

[Searchingforhelp]

Hi,

I’m new to the group and only just realized a week ago that my husband is suffering from undiagnosed BPD.  I began therapy myself about 5 weeks ago and my therapist last week introduced me to the possibility.  When I read “stop walking on Eggshells” I realized that this totally fit our situation.  I think that my husband is more of an invisible BPD.  He is very high functioning and definitely hides these behaviors from pretty much everyone but me.  He quit therapy a few weeks ago after over 3 years. I’m pretty sure that he even hid this from his therapist and that the therapy possibly made the tendencies worse because it seems that he found reinforcement in placing blame on me.

We have been married 20 years.  About a 5 weeks ago, he told me he just couldn’t do it anymore and that he wanted to move out.  The first time he told me that he was moving out because I refused to see a therapist.  I did start seeing a therapist almost immediately after and I realized that he was right about this, I did need to work through a lot (he is also a recovered alcoholic who has been sober for 3 1/2 years). 

Even though I did what he asked, he told me again about 4 weeks later, that he was just done, he didn’t love me any more and he wanted a divorce.  His reasons were “that I didn’t talk” “he has grown so much in the past few years but I have not” and “that I am fake and closed off”.  Also a major issue for him is that there is not enough sex in the marriage.  I have tried to reason with him that a lot of these things come from the loss of our connection because of his emotional outbursts.   Like I said, I just realized the BPD connection and now realize that was just adding fuel to the fire.

My head is spinning trying to figure out how to move forward, how to talk to him and what to do.  He seems to be in a deep depression that he can’t get out of.  Or it could be that he really has convinced himself that I am the cause of him being miserable.  I feel like it has been a really long time without out any upswing in his mood.  I am SO walking around on eggshells, trying to reach out but not make anything worse. 

Please help with some advice on how to even talk to him.  We are going away for the weekend on Friday with some friends, which I know seems absolutely crazy.  I’m afraid it may be an absolute disaster but I am also desperate to do anything that might help.  It could be a chance to leave the pressures of work and home behind.  I also don’t want to isolate myself anymore and I really want to spend some time with friends.

Please help!

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[PurpleElephant]

Hi Searchingforhelp,

Thanks for sharing your story. It's all so relatable.

You mention that you think that he has convinced himself that you are the cause of his trouble. It's probably true that he thinks that and there's nothing you can do about it. Just remember that it is his truth. Not yours.

I wanted to respond to your question on how to talk to him.

Start with listening instead. Listen to him talking and try to figure out what he feels. Make sure he sees that you're listening. Make eye contact, and truly listen to him. Ignore your need to say something back. Listen to listen. What his emotions are. Ignore the actual words. Often the true meaning is hidden behind the words. Especially when he is emotional. And most importantly, don't let the words hurt you. Or drag you down with him. You can feel good, or okay, even when he's not. When he's depressed. You are you. You are strong.

Keep in mind that the best topics to engage in are practical matters. Non emotional things. Every day topics about f.e. food, children or house keeping. Those topics are a great new start. Once he feels that he's being listened to, that he's heard again, he might open up a bit again over time emotionally. But have no expectations! Live day by day, hour by hour. Focus on the little trip with friends. Don't think "beyond" the trip. Small steps. Enjoy the trip, the friends. That's okay, that's good. Even when he's depressed. You have the right to feel good.

E.g. if he says "where the hack are the car keys? Did you hide them at a stupid place again?", think for some seconds. Forget the part where he blames you. That's irrelevant. Defending yourself is useless and only throws fuel in the fire.

Maybe he wanted to leave the room for a bit because he is fed up with the people around him. And he wanted to use the car to escape a bit. And now he is frustrated because the keys are gone. Search for the true meaning in his words. Make a guess, and reflect. Take a shot. Offer your help, and ask a question.

"I understand that you're frustrated because you can't find the keys. I would be frustrated too.. shall I help finding them? Where were they last time we saw them?"

Listen. Engage in small talk about practical things. Take it from there. Be someone that tries to understand his emotions and reflect them back to him.

Hang on. Be the best You.

[Searchingforhelp]

Thanks so much.  This is all so new and its like I have to re-frame my way of thinking.  I have definitely been adding fuel to the fire in the past.  I am totally used to denying, defending, counter attacking and then withdrawing. It’s going to be very hard for me to change those reactions.  I am working on being mindful before I speak. 

The listening is also great advice.  That was something that I read in the book. I know in the past I have not really listened to him when he was being overly emotional and I would just wait for him to finish so that I could say what I was thinking.

I appreciate your advice!