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Lulu808

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« on: November 02, 2019, 09:10:54 AM »

My BPD/Bipolar DD who is 26 years old has recently moved back in with my husband and I after getting kicked out of her apartment complex for her behavior (raging at the office staff, verbally abusing other tenants, etc.) We support her financially but since she has moved in we have cut her cash off because we realized she was using it to buy alcohol and weed. She is extremely unstable, rages at us on a daily basis - at me on an hourly basis, does not abide by the boundaries we have set for her. She refuses to go to therapy or to get medication to help her be more stable. She barely sleeps. She spends all day getting ready to go out all night to goodness knows where with goodness knows who. When I ask her anything she tells me it’s none of my business and that she will be moving out shortly. She does not help out around the house or contribute positively in any way and any conversation we try to have with her in regards to this results in extreme verbal abuse that has me retreating because it’s so disturbing and emotionally draining. I am slowly learning to withstand her assaults so that I don’t continue to reinforce her behavior and I am trying to stay calm while she is saying vile things but I admit I’m not very good at it yet and more often than not I end up shaking or crying. She has crashed two cars in the last three months and we have told her that she will not be allowed to drive any of our vehicles. Our insurance rates are going to skyrocket. She is very angry about being “stuck” and has told us she is not a person without her car. I purchased her a bus pass for $65. She has yet to use it. I have set boundaries - she must get a job, she must help out at least by taking care of her own things, she must be respectful when she is addressing us, etc. Her response is to take revenge on us by taking our things and hiding them (framed photos from the walls, headphones, pens, collectibles, electronics, etc.) She tells us constantly she is an adult and doesn’t want to live with us. We were determined to help her get back on her feet and we have offered to help her go back to school, to assist her in any way she needs, but she is only interested in meeting guys online and going out. We are really at our wits end here. She does not have a job or any means of supporting herself, so tossing her out would be very cruel but I honestly don’t think I can continue to live like this for much longer. I fear for our personal safety, I fear leaving my house unattended for any period of time, I fear for my daughter’s safety while she is bent on meeting up with all these strangers. If you have any advice for us I am grateful. I have scheduled a therapy appointment for myself because I am not sleeping well and I am in a constant state of panic. I’m hoping my husband will follow suit once I start going. I’m going to look into Alanon and other support groups. How do you help someone who doesn’t want help?I almost feel like she is addicted to the drama that she causes because she sees nothing wrong with the way she is living. I don’t know if we can survive until she comes to the realization that this is not going to be sustainable. Sorry for the book!
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2019, 09:22:30 AM »

Excerpt
How do you help someone who doesn’t want help?

You don't. It's impossible. All you can do is help yourself which
Is why I am so happy to hear about you going for therapy
 AlAnon would be great too.

Is there a possibility that your daughter will find another apartment?
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Lulu808

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« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2019, 09:50:19 AM »



Is there a possibility that your daughter will find another apartment?

Right now there is no possibility of that because we are still responsible for the lease on the last one, and she does not have a job. But if she gets a job she can start to save some money towards that goal. She keeps insisting that she can’t live at home because we are horrible to her and ask too much of her. So I try to reason with her as much as possible before the verbal onslaughts begin. “If you get a job, then you can move out and be independent...” There are a million excuses as to why that can’t happen. I’m determined to stay the course.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2019, 11:01:32 AM »

Can you say more about what staying the course means to you?
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Lulu808

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« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2019, 02:20:07 PM »

Can you say more about what staying the course means to you?

What I mean is to be firm and keep our boundaries intact because in the past we have been less than consistent with that - she must meet the conditions we set in order to live with us such as having a job, not using alcohol and drugs, being respectful, etc. I am the problem in regards to not “staying the course” because as soon as she apologizes I get very weak and want to give her grace and understanding  - but it’s all an illusion because in a split second it goes back to the hate and meaness that she displays toward us on a regular basis. I’m like a domestic abuse victim telling myself that if I just keep showing her love and giving her what she’s demanding at the moment that somehow she will love us back and not be so angry and bitter. It’s not true. It’s only a matter of time before she’s back to cursing at me and treating me with complete disrespect. She needs to know that this won’t be an option any longer and that she mustn’t cross those lines. I’m taking full responsibility for my part in this though. I really need that therapy!
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2019, 02:34:31 PM »

That is some great insight. What will you do if she transgresses these boundaries? I often wrestle with the same thing. It is easy to say no. Backing it up takes work I find.
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Lulu808

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« Reply #6 on: November 03, 2019, 11:03:55 AM »

What will you do if she transgresses these boundaries? I often wrestle with the same thing. It is easy to say no. Backing it up takes work I find.

Sadly she did just that last night Faith - she called the police on us and told them we were threatening her with bodily harm. I’m so sad. The police told us that the best course of action is to evict her and let her hit rock bottom because right now, living at home with everything she needs she is never going to seek help. I am so sad and heartbroken for my adult child and for us and all parents who are dealing with these issues. I don’t know how to live with this but I am going to have to follow through.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2019, 11:24:37 AM »

I know how you feel. We evicted our son 2 years ago. It isn't easy but sometimes it is necessary. How are you going to tell her?
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Lulu808

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« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2019, 08:57:50 AM »

I know how you feel. We evicted our son 2 years ago. It isn't easy but sometimes it is necessary. How are you going to tell her?

I told her the police told us to have her formally evicted and that no adult child should be living with their parents and treating them like that. Then we had to go out of town unexpectedly and we left her in charge of the house. I fully expected it to be burned to the ground when we returned - one and a half days later - but surprisingly she stepped up. I am taking things one day at a time and trying not to lose my temper with her because she’s at once child-like and sweet and horridly condescending and awful. It takes the patience of a saint so I am failing miserably!
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2019, 10:37:38 AM »

Patience is not my strong suit either. But look where you are! When left to her own devices with no "help" from you she rose to the occasion. This is a good sign she will make it on her own.
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Lulu808

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« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2019, 05:35:06 PM »

I sure pray for that Faith! It would be so wonderful if she could become a functioning member of society. She is not hopeless and sometimes I need to remind myself of that, especially when the drama is just never ending.
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Blueskyday
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« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2019, 06:15:30 PM »

I too was advised by a domestic abuse specialist years ago to tell my dtr to leave. It was so hard. The worry didn't stop. I had no peace of mind..Slowly I felt the benefit of having a door to close.

I think its incredible how you are holding it together especially with the police being involved. You have done all you can. I'm afraid I agree with the advice of the police. She will soon become resourceful with incredible speed I am sure if she leaves.

The fact she resents you so much reminds me of the saying " I dont want to belong to a club thatwould accept me as as one of it's members".
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Lulu808

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« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2019, 06:31:41 PM »


The fact she resents you so much reminds me of the saying " I dont want to belong to a club thatwould accept me as as one of it's members".

Blueskyday That’s funny and incredibly insightful all at once!
When she’s not here I am relieved and then worried out of my mind wondering if she’s ok. Either way it’s what living with a loved one with BPD entails. I think you’re right about the part that she will be resourceful. My goal is to get her out on her own.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #13 on: November 10, 2019, 04:02:36 AM »

Lately I have been thinking that my husband and I have become obstacles to my son's growth. As long as we are around to pick up the pieces he has no real reason to get his act together. He knows what he has to do. He just doesn't want to. Maybe it is somewhat like that for your daughter. As long as she is living with you she has no reason to change. Once she is on her own it will be a different story. I would not be surprised if she showed some new strengths. Here's hoping
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Lulu808

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« Reply #14 on: November 12, 2019, 05:18:32 PM »

Lately I have been thinking that my husband and I have become obstacles to my son's growth. As long as we are around to pick up the pieces he has no real reason to get his act together. He knows what he has to do. He just doesn't want to. Maybe it is somewhat like that for your daughter. As long as she is living with you she has no reason to change. Once she is on her own it will be a different story. I would not be surprised if she showed some new strengths. Here's hoping

It’s not as easy as it seems to knowingly do something that will cause our children to suffer, but I cannot fathom continuing on the way we have, especially as my daughter is becoming increasingly more violent and more unstable as the days go by. She has a roof over her head, food, clothing, electronics, all our love and support and she can barely contain her outbursts. She screams that she hates living here in this “prison.” I want her out of my house. I know that makes me a bad person but there you have it.

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Blueskyday
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« Reply #15 on: November 12, 2019, 05:27:59 PM »

It doesn't't make you a bad person to want peace in your own home. You don't want this situation.

I did it! I threw her out. I thought she had forgiven me but turns out she didn''t . I had forgiven the abuse that led me to give up on her ever changing.

That was years ago. To her it was yesterday.

Steel yourself because there is no easy way forward. In my experience and even as someone very anti meds the only real hope is medication and therapy.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2019, 08:41:57 PM »

May I offer an analogy? Mother eagles literally throw their babies out of the nest when it is time for them to fly. If they don't do this the young eagles will literally die in the nest. No one would call that bad parenting. I am pretty sure the mother eagles don't feel guilty about it either. Why should we beat ourselves up for essentially doing the same thing with our offspring?
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