The latest with son's suicide threats and finances

[FaithHopeLove]

So here is the latest with DS. Suicide threats continue. I take them seriously but I am exhausted and feel manipulated. He is out of jail on probation awaiting sentencing for felony drug trafficking. The only reason he is out of jail is because I paid 15K for an attorney which he swore he would pay back. He actually only paid back 10K but OK. His father and I could live with that for now. Since being out of jail he has not as far as we know gone back to dealing which means much less money is coming in. But he still wants to stay in his expensive 2 bedroom apartment that my husband cosigned on. He also wants his car back that is in DHs name and has a 4K repair bill. This despite the fact that he has no license. Yes DH knows he is a major enabler and is trying to pull back from that
 DS is now into gambling his savings away. He wants to pay this month's rent out of the money he used to reimburse me for his lawyer's fees. Not happening. I am.still out of the country. My husband just returned to the states. DH is going to tell DS (I hope) that he has 2 options
1. Get a job, go to therapy,  and move to a more affordable apartment and we will assist with the rent 1K per month until he gets on his feet or 2. Get thrown out and end up on the street, in jail, or a homeless shelter. What now?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Faith,
 I actually think it is excellent he has paid you back 10K ( even if he wants it back). That right there shows he has some inkling of the situation he got himself into and being man enough to try to keep his word to you.  

You are giving him fair choices and by that I mean fair to everyone , including and especially you and your DH.  Since he paid you back a lot of the $$, I think you are still dealing with an adult who has some awareness and will make the choice he knows he needs to make.  

If he chooses not to go into therapy, it may be the choice he makes for this time only. He may come around with the next crisis/ some spiritual realization on his part down the road. So don't give into despair, no matter what he decides.  You stand strong in the fact your mind is in reality whereas his is not ( at least not totally).   I went to a Narc Anon meeting and unfortunately it usually takes a while for a dual diagnosed person to get to wanting therapy , and even then , there are  many slips, trips and falls along the way.  He and you need for you to stand strong with this option you are giving him.  He cannot, will not stand strong for himself at this time.  

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Swimmy
That is encouraging. I will try not to give into despair.

[Swimmy55]

You are saving his life by giving him this choice.  Please remember that.  You are doing an awesome thing.  Even if he decides no therapy ( now) , you are doing a life affirming thing for your son .  It would be so very easy to give him part of the 10K back/ pay for his 4K repair, etc etc. I get it, as  a Mother.   Rescuing would be  undermining him, though. He paid you 10K .  That is awesome.  And he must be feeling a bit a pride about that.   Pride is priceless especially with BPD and addiction.  Either choice your son makes is the right one for him at this time.  You are absolved of any consequences.

[FaithHopeLove]

I agree. Thank you.

[Resiliant]

Such great advice. 

[wendydarling]

I agree, that is such great advice Swimmy, insightful and realistic.

He and you need for you to stand strong with this option you are giving him.  He cannot, will not stand strong for himself at this time.   

 

We are standing strong with you Faith, how are you today?

WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

I am OK. I will be in Africa for 22 more days but my husband is back home now. He tells me our son is selling some stocks to pay his rent for now. The money he used to reimburse me for his lawyer's fees is you going into my bank account. They will be talking more about his options. My husband is even going to write them down. 1. Get a legal job and accept financial help from parents to help pay your rent until you get on your feet
 2. Don't get a job. Lose your apartment and end up homeless or in jail.
I hope he chooses wisely but I accept that it is his decision not mine.

[wendydarling]

Good to hear you are ok today Faith.  That's a great idea to write the two options down to help keep DS focused on reality. WDx

[Momb]

Faith,

I have not been on the site for a while.  I am sorry about the recent events with your son.  You have certainly thought through and set some reasonable options -- even tho you are in Africa!  Has the distance been helpful for you?  I know when DS lived across the country, dealing with situations was sometimes easier because it was not in our face daily.   I do not remember how old your son is...?
Our DS was got a job here which last 1 months before he was fired.  He became very depressed and laid on his apartment floor and drank for 3 days.  He started talking about suicide so we called the police for a safety check.  He declined help and he was left at the apartment.  He is doing some better now and not drinking.  But enough about me
So glad you son repaid you some $$.  Great job, DS.  And great job, you, for not reloaning it to him! 
I have a question.  Did you define reasonable expectations (both time and behaviors) for "getting back on his feet"?   
Thinking about you and standing in faith for good choices for DS and for strength you you and hubby to hold the boundaries, if the situation arises that you must.  We find it is so much easier to set and think we will hold the boundaries in a future event than it really is when it becomes a present situation...agh!
 

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Momb
It is nice hearing from you. My son is 25. My husband talked with him about his options and told him that as long as he is in rehab and gets a job we will help with his rent but I think we will need to clarify this further when I get back. DS has an intake interview at the rehab center on Monday. We will take it from there.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Momb]

Great!  Pray it goes well.

[Blueskyday]

Dear Faith,
I will think of you tomorrow
xx

[Swimmy55]

Me too! Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your family.

[twocrazycats]

Sending prayers that all goes well.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks. My H says he had a nice dinner today so I am cautiously hopeful that he will follow through with the program
 

[wendydarling]

Hoping the intake interview goes well for your son today Faith.

Small steps 

WDx