Mmmmm, storm ahead

[Lollypop]

Hi

We know how important it is to try to keep our feet firmly on today’s ground. The past is gone, useful to reflect on and learn some lessons from, it’s best not to ruminate. The future is unknown so let’s not get carried away with fearing what may not happen.

It’s easier said than done.

Recent Change has brought some new ways of thinking for us all. Young son left 4 weeks ago and is thoroughly enjoying Uni. The three of us have breathed a sigh of relief and are happy for him.

H and I are enjoying our time together. We like our new rhythm.

Son28 has coped with the change, and he’s been problem solving. However, he does not seem to be able to alter his behaviour to prevent a consequence.

His problem is that he spends what he earns. He’s going to get a big tax bill in January and he hasn’t set anything aside. He also needs £900 for a training course - one that he definitely should have by now. He came to us 3 weeks ago and he talked about his problems.

We did not offer advice, just empathised and gave him a ball-park figure for his tax bill.

He can’t seem to work out that he needs to spend less or earn  more, preferably both. I didn’t call him out on what he spends his money on. That elephant in the room was there with us.

We don’t have much money sloshing around any more. H wants to retire early at the end of next year. Our income is much less than it used to be and we’ve got our own priorities. Neither of us is prepared to offer a loan because son28 is already paying us for a car loan plus and, importantly, he’s still smoking dope daily, taking cbd oil and has things like vitamin injections (only just learnt this).

Son28 says “I’m focussing on keeping myself happy til December. I want to take 2 weeks off at Xmas and need to cover my wages”.

On Sunday he started to hint. He says Let’s go upstairs and see son19’s room. We all traipse upstairs and I’m wondering what on Earth is going on. “you’ve made a shrine for him. You never did that for me”. H, me and son19 were like “say, what?”

10 minutes later son28 talked about his rent agreement, he needs to sign for another 6 months or move out.  He says “I really don’t want the hassle of moving to anywhere new right now. I guess you don’t want me back here.”

It hung in the air.

He then said “I’m sick of living and sleeping in the same space. I want a house and I’d like it to be nearer xxxx (his kind of older gf and we’ve never met).”

Ah, it’s all making sense. He figures he could come home for a while and not pay out £550 plus bills each month and soon be able to save.

My reaction was to say nothing. I sent him a link to a really nice 1 bed ground floor flat that is only £45 more per month than he currently pays.

So, this is where we’re at.

I can guarantee the xxxx hitting that fan 31 January 2020. There’s no way he’ll have the tax money. I reckon at least £2-3 k.

I feel I’m being manipulated. I feel a bit guilty because son19 has received a lot recently (but so did son28 when he was the same age).

For now, I’m ignoring it and keeping to my light as a fairy approach. There’s safety in that role.

Wisemind will emerge...hopefully.

LP


PS. Watch this space as crisis may build.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi LollyPop
I agree. DS is trying to manipulate you. But you have good boundaries and you weren't born yesterday so I bet he won't succeed. There may well be drama ahead maybe even an extinction burst (such fun)but it won't last forever. Somebody needs to figure out his own money. I am in your corner
 

[Huat]

Hi Lollypop

Yep, sure sounds like a storm ahead.  Well, you have weathered many and I am sure you are going to make your way through this one, too. 

I think your "light as a fairy" approach when conversing with your son is great.  That helps to set the tone in discussions with him.  (By the way...I think it was you who first coined that phrase in this forum and I have seen it repeated many times as one member will offer comfort and advice to another.)

You  certainly have been working hard in trying to help your son to problem solve but could all be going in one ear and out the other because he has his sights set on what he wants the outcome to be?  Wonder if you have ever said outright to him (quietly but firmly) that he is not going to get any money from you...and he is not coming back home to live.

Yes, there are those boundaries that are so hard to set with the fear that, if push comes to shove, the pulling of the heart strings might hinder efforts to stay strong.

With that said, your retirement plans should not be marred because your son continues to throw caution to the wind.  It is your turn to reap the benefits after years of hard work and saving towards that goal.

I think back to some posts where one parent or another has stated that they have had enough and were pulling up stakes and moving away from their troublesome offspring.  Oh that it would be that easy for all of us!

Onward and upward, Lollypop!  Glad to be in the trenches with people like you.

Huat 

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith and Huat

Thanks for your perspective and also the validation. I know from experience that knowing what the right thing to do isn’t always the same as what we feel is the right thing to do!  It’s only time and experience that proves to us that very often the best thing to do is nothing.

Son19 left us yesterday and made a very positive comment about son28  but covered it by saying “we’ve heard his plans before though.”  I know that these plans don’t include saving up to pay a tax bill.

For now, I choose to not think about his problems and will provide that emotional support he really needs most of the time. This is actually quite easy when compared to my old way of trying to fix him. That can be exhausting as we well know! He visits once per week and is good company. His tales really help me see through a window to what’s going on... bpd thinking is so very odd!  I wish I could share some of it because some of the situations are hilarious but I struggle with anonymity as it is.

Have a great day today. I must have read the phrase “light as a fairy” from somewhere and I remember writing it for the first time. It seems so long ago and look how far I’ve come with a change in attitude and behaviour. A lightness of touch in the middle grey area is where I try to position myself.

A friend has had terrible news recently and this has helped reinforce the meaning of life for me. Life’s very short and it really comes down to family and friends. I’m thankful for your friendship and wise support. It can be lonely with bpd in our lives.

Hugs

LP

Ps. Today I’m going to try to slow things down and enjoy a walk.

LP