Cutting off communication with an adult child acting out

[betterdays3]

This is my go-to coping mechanism right now. She has been very mean lately and I get the brunt of her meanness(mom)! In a way, it's like hiding under a rock or putting my hands over my ears. It's denial. It's a fantasy like "I'll just pretend none of this is real!" It puts extra burden on my husband because he will field the calls. I know BPD's are triggered by abandonment issues but at this point, I'm empty! If I were a car, I'd be out of gas on the side of the road! I feel anger at her for all the mean things she has said to me lately so I'd rather not engage right now. Does anyone else have this feeling? In all honesty, it's a  "just go away" kind of thing. I don't have good tools right now to manage this person. I will work on it soon but for now, I just want an effing break!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sadnana]

I totally get it!

I wish I could help but unfortunately I have cut off contact with my daughter for a while. I am not sure for how long but I need a break I need to regroup. However the guilt is eating me alive there really is no good solution for my situation.

I feel for you!

[betterdays3]

Thanks Sadnana. It's so hard! ((A hug for you)

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi BetterDays
I am right there with you in the give me an f-ing break club. Of course no one is going to GIVE us a break but we can always TAKE one. In fact it is necessary. Go ahead and be on time out until your tank is a little more full. I am right here with you.

[betterdays3]

 

[Docmom]

Taking a time out myself.. but I know if I wait too long to re-connect with her, the more she ‘hurts’, as I do when it goes on for awhile. I know I’ll have to apologize for my ‘behavior’. Just wish I knew what I said wrong.

[FaithHopeLove]

You may not have said anything wrong. Your daughter's behavior could have more to do with her internal processes than your behavior. Is your tank a little more full now? What other ways might you care for yourself that don't involve going NC?

[Blueskyday]

I am almost no contact for 6 or so weeks. I do not feel any guilt whatsoever.

The last time I openly spoke to her I said eventually a person gives up. My dtr is now 30..She regulates within her
" favourite person". Why can't she regulate with me, her child or the dog?

I understand its an illness but keep thinking How can she be so controlled and well behaved with her favourite person?

Take time out..you deserve it

[Rosheger]

When I was feeling as you do now.  I had had it!  I took myself away for 2 (with my husband’s support) to a beach town a few hours away.  It was over Xmas too!  I was so glad I did!

[Swimmy55]

 
Love these reminders.  My break happens to be a restraining order against DS due to violence. Had to be done.

[betterdays3]

Spent time with her this past weekend for her birthday after my "break." Overall, it was fine albeit brief!
Now, starting to get texts from her dumping her problems on me-things she should be handling herself as she is a full-fledged adult. I have no patience for this stuff. I'm sick of it! I just want to say "grow up and deal with your own issues!" I need a boundary for this little stuff (I lost my coat, I screwed up in my class.) I don't want to know this stuff! The little things become big when you live at the end of your rope! For now, I ignore her texts because I am fearful I will say the wrong thing and set off an episode! I'm a prisoner to my fear! I don't want this for the rest of my life! I don't want to support her for the rest of my life! I feel like she is a ball chained to my ankle and there is NO key! How do you tell your BPD adult child to stop constantly dumping small sh*t on me and deal! I'm starting not to care.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Would it be helpful to you to establish a mini- breaks  for yourself?  You may not even have to tell her necessarily , but take a night off.  Meaning maybe block her number for an evening.   Or change the ring tone so that when she calls, you know not to pick up/ read for an evening?  Or promise yourself you will not answer her between a set time period each day/ each week etc. 
I totally get the ball and chain thing  ; the key is establishing boundaries no matter how small.  I had to get into the concept of " self containment" - pouring energy and time into me and not leaking / bleeding out myself all throughout the day. like picturing myself as a vase that needs to contain water without having it leak and spill out everywhere. This is very hard to do but necessary.

[Trusting-waiting]

Great visual Swimmy!  I will use that containment image to manage my own “leaking”.  I think we can easily get into a mode where we are rushing around trying to plug our children’s holes (their neediness, sadness, anger, etc.). Which is a faulty approach to start with. The aftermath is we are drained and they are still dry!

[PeaceMom]

Swimmy,
I’ve been learning about the need to establish my own containment boundaries. These are different from the boundaries I’ve established about what behavior I will except from DD. Containment boundaries are about me being moderate and healthy in my actions and my thoughts.

My T explained to me that bc of my own childhood issues of often less than nurturing parents, I was ill equipped to tolerate DD’s distress in her youth and that some of my own poor coping skills “leaked out” onto her. 

I like your visual of keeping my water in my own vase.  That helps me better understand what T is explaining.

[MyaRose]

I am not communicating with my daughter right now either. She's divorcing her husband of 1 year after her baby is 8 months old. This is a pattern with her in her relationships but now she has 2 children. I just can't keep going through this and now watch my grandchildren go through it and her craziness. I just can't talk to her right now. I need to see my grand babies though.

[Momnotmom]

My daughter is the one who initiated the current break. "I don't want you in my life!" I don't know why after all of these years I continue to be surprised at how "normal" and un-chaotic my life is when we do have a break. The thing that is killing me is that "her" life includes two toddlers. I'm constantly missing my two grandsons and worrying about how her unpredictable and explosive behavior is affecting them. 

[MyaRose]

I totally understand. I'm also a mom of adult bpd daughter. Out of the blue just before Xmas she decided to divorce her husband. She and her husband have been together about 8 years. They have a 5?year old daughter and after 2 years of trying to have a baby had another daughter who is 8 months old. When they found out she was pregnant they got married. Big wedding. Then moved into a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood. It's been less than a year since the marriage and new home and baby is 8 months old and she happily informed us she decided to get divorced and that it's time for'her to have "me" time. Both of our families have been extremely supportive to her and babysit and help when we can. It hasn't been easy as I am the one she shows her bpd side to and the target of her anger. I've been really careful not to respond as she threatens not to let me see my grandchildren. This divorce suggestion came as a shock to all of us, including her husband. For me it's been the last straw. I can't talk to her at all. I blocked her on my phone so I wouldn't get her mean ranting sat me. I can still babysit but my husband does all communicating and I've asked that he be there when she gets home from work so I'm not alone with her. If it weren't for my grandchildren I would cut off all ties to her. I'm just done. I feel terrible that it's turned out this way and feel guilty about my hatred of her. I just have no compassion left for her. I know I need counseling to deal with my feelings but can't get in to anybody til April.

[wavewatcher]

I cannot believe how similar all our posts are as moms. I feel like we each have the same daughter cloned from one very disturbed cell. I am also in the "I just don't care anymore" camp with my 25dd. I'm so tired of getting blamed for all of her bad choices/problems. Her dad (my husband) and her older brother (who lives in another state) don't get this extreme blame, never have, and after a bad episode usually tell me what I did/said wrong to her, even though they can say/do similar things and not get the same response from her. They are so used to bending over backwards for her and I am not made from that cloth. Because serious violence toward me is now part of the equation, and she can't seem to live on her own I have decided to leave this house, somehow, for the benefit of all of us. I'm so glad we have this forum. I'm learning a lot and I am so sorry for what we all are going through.

[Lost4Words]

So many similar stories here... I cut off from my daughter at Christmas. She'd announced a couple of months earlier that she was getting divorced, and I had arranged to visit her for three weeks in December in the hope of being able to support her  through a difficult time. (We live too far away to be able to visit often.) For the first two weeks I listened to her talk about how happy she was after she decided to divorce, and after her husband moved out of the house. In fact she said it so often that it felt more like an attempt to convince herself than me. I listened to her plans for the future and felt that I was living in a parallel universe: things that seem normal to her seemed very abnormal to me, and at the same time her plans changed from one day to the next. Sometimes she was ready to do anything to keep custody of her daughter, sometimes she was talking about cutting off from her completely. What she was absolutely certain of was that she had learnt she couldn't count on her close family to support her - but she didn't realise that this is because none of us believe that she is likely to be any happier in a future marriage than she has been in the old one, because of the way she turns on the people closest to her. She wanted us to be happy that she was divorcing and couldn't understand why we weren't as delighted as she thought we ought to be. I couldn't express any reservations for fear of provoking anger. In the end I did make a very straightforward comment which resulted in her becoming very angry. I cut short my visit at that point. It felt as though I had no option right then, but now I am afraid that it was the wrong thing to have done - she will probably have experienced it as betrayal, and is likely to hold it as a grudge against me for ever. She has started calling me now when her daughter wants to talk, but isn't communicating with me herself.
I  don't know how this is going to resolve itself in the future. I feel that she has got herself into a very dark place right now, but can see no way of helping her to get out of it.

[wavewatcher]

My heart goes out to all of you, to myself. What I am learning, thanks to all of the wonderful feedback and support here, direct and indirect, listening to all of you, is that WE MUST TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. Taking a break and going to another place for a few days, massages, acupuncture, walks (any regular exercise helps a lot), meditation, time with friends, etc. Any healthy diversion from the stress and guilt. Whatever blame my adult dd heaps upon me for her choices in life and the consequences are still ultimately her choices. Maybe she'll learn from them, maybe not. BPD is a horrible disease; having compassion for her helps. I am also realizing how my tone, frustration can trigger or exacerbate her. And since she lives with us right now I need to take breaks to ensure I don't get to that point. Because that is not good for ME, either. She gets violent. The only thing I know at this point is to keep myself healthy. Physically, mentally and emotionally.