Mitigating Harm for Our Child

[batcatrat]

I'm not sure if this should go here, since I am married and would like to stay married, or in the co-parenting group, which seems more focused on those who have separated from their BPD co-parent.

I'm married to someone I suspect has BPD. I believe my mother has BPD as well. My husband and I met in college when we both displayed borderline traits.

I became pregnant, he disappeared, and I single-parented for 4 years. During this time I moved far away, went to therapy, and generally got better.

When our child was 4, my now spouse expressed shame and regret that he had missed so much time with our child. He asked for a second chance.

Over the next two years we stayed living apart, but eventually moved in together and married. That was 7 years ago.

Our child is now almost 12. We have a nice life, which I want to keep.

My husband is in many ways so much more functional than he has been in the past, but he is still high-conflict, very sensitive, very unwilling to listen to other's points of view because he believes that others are always trying to 'steamroll him.' He name calls, threatens, yells, and sulks when he doesn't get his own way.

When we were younger this would trigger my feelings of abandonment and I would totally freak out, begging and badgering him to treat me better. I've since learned that just feels invalidating for him and doesn't do any good.

This is very frustrating for me because I think of myself as a reasonable person and my husband, while many good things, is not a reasonable person. As the saying goes, his feelings trump facts every time.

I've had some success recently in keeping myself regulated when he's dysregulated, which has led to less outbursts and verbal abuse but more silent treatment/ isolation. 

I worry that this is damaging for our son and I don't want to teach him to walk on eggshells. At the same time, I don't want them to be in conflict, which my husband, perversely seems to pursue lately. 

Thanks in advance for your guidance.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lenfan]

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I was waiting to see if more knowledgeable persons than myself would offer some advice, but no one has responded yet, so I'll offer what I have. Knowing what to say to my child has been a terrible dilemma for me as well. I wish I knew about bpd when my daughter was 12 because I would have done somethings differently. I started to realize my that wife has ubpd about when my daughter was 16. She is in college now, so I have been more open with her about what I believe is going on with her mother, but it is still a difficult line to walk because I don't want my wife to feel like she is being betrayed or  that I am "taking sides."

That gets me to my main point. I have read here and in books that often times children of pwbpd are angry/ resentful/disappointed that their non-bpd parent didn't do more to stop their bpd parent from making them unhappy. I didn't want to make that mistake as a non, but also wanted to keep peace and maintain my marriage.  When my wife appeared to be unreasonable with my daughter, and I would try to stick up for my daughter, it mostly lead to angry confrontation  between me and my wife.   She would accuse me of "picking sides" or "undermining" her parenting. After learning some of the techniques like DEARMAN and not to JADE, that are explained elsewhere on this site, I have been able to manage this a little better. One thing that worked the last few times she accused me of "picking sides" was a calm response that was something to the effect of "There are no sides to pick . . . we are all one family and in this together, we'll figure something out."

As far as what to tell your son, you have to figure out a way to protect him first and foremost; not make him question his own feelings and observations; give him information in an age appropriate way about why his Dad acts like that way; while at the same time not making your spouse feel like you are going behind his back. It seems like an almost impossible task. A good therapist can help you navigate this. Therapy has been helpful for me in that regard.

The fact that you are concerned enough to ask how to try and accomplish this probably means you are heading in the right direction. I wish I had more to offer you. Be well.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations on all the progress you've made, and everything you've done to make a nice life.  I'm sure it was quite a journey, and could not have happened without a huge amount of dedication and hard work on your part.  Trying to manage the impact on our kids is complicated.  If we actively try to make our partners behave better, or we interfere with their relationship with our kids in a way that they find invalidating, we can fuel conflict.

One thing not to underestimate is the power of your positive example.  Kids can do very well if they have at least one healthy parent in their life.  Another thing you can do is to actively nurture the traits in your child that are the positive opposites of the traits that worry you in your husband.  For example, if your son is able to talk through his feelings with you and manage his distress on something, give him lots of positive feedback and encouragement.  With all of the healing and awareness you have done, you could probable make up a pretty good short list of positive traits you want to nurture in him.

Finally, since he's getting into the teenage years and is likely to engage in some conflict with your husband, it might be helpful to teach him a couple of the tools we teach here.  The two I've got in mind are not to JADE, and validation.  Are those both familiar?  You can teach those as generic interpersonal skills without referring at all to BPD.

RC