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Author Topic: New here Prepping for BPD mother in laws visit  (Read 442 times)
Butterbiscuit

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« on: November 05, 2019, 09:19:23 PM »

Stumbled upon this site as I was reading articles to brush up on my gray rock skills in prep for my BPD mother in law’s visit this weekend. Trying to not obsess and stress leading up to it, but also don’t want to be caught off guard by whatever drama she may seek to ignite. Glad to be here!
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GaGrl
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« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2019, 10:22:20 PM »

We're glad to have you -- welcome!

So...what has worked for you in the past?

What do you anticipate might need the grey rock skills?

How supportive is your spouse?
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Butterbiscuit

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« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2019, 01:05:39 PM »

Thank you for your questions Smiling (click to insert in post)


What has worked for you in the past?

Things seem to work best when we have limited contact. When we must have contact I try keep it pretty basic - respectful but shallow. When she visits it is helpful if she stays at a hotel (which is natural because we have a small house.) Keeping busy and filling up the schedule with activities is also helpful. Though, we are limited on how much we can do because we have young children. It is also really helpful when my husband and I process what happened with her at the end of each day and try to laugh off some of her words or behavior.



What do you anticipate might need the grey rock skills?

This is pretty much how I always operate with her now. But it is much easier to pull off long distance. I sometimes make myself more vulnerable to her in person. When I let my guard down and try to have a real friendship with her I always regret it. I am done making myself and my family vulnerable to her abuse. The stress has been harmful to us in ways I can no longer endure. I regret that I did not seek to protect us sooner. Grey rock seems to be the best option for maintaining some kind of peaceful relationship.



How supportive is your spouse?

My husband is very supportive. We’ve been married 6 years and it has certainly been a tumultuous and eye opening journey for my him. His mom really began to display her disfunction on a new level when we became our own family unit who didn’t operate the way she wanted. He recognizes the issues and we process her behavior when we need to. But I have noticed that when we discuss the subject it wears him down quickly and he can only think about it for so long... understandable seeing as how it is his mom. Most of the communication with her is handled by my husband now. He has very good boundaries with her and is able to carry the stress better than I can.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2019, 01:51:44 PM »

Butterbiscuit, me too! I'm anticipating a visit with my uBPD MIL this Saturday for several hours. I've planned events, practiced statements, and I'm hoping the presence of kids will create a buffer. You're not alone, I'll be going through it too. We can do this!

It sounds like you have a solid process to prep before, during and after. I never thought about how to take care of myself after - I'm borrowing. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I sometimes make myself more vulnerable to her in person.

I get it, I feel the same way. Are you preparing for any particular scenarios?

My husband is very supportive. We’ve been married 6 years and it has certainly been a tumultuous and eye opening journey for my him. His mom really began to display her disfunction on a new level when we became our own family unit who didn’t operate the way she wanted.

We've been married 6 years too but my husband is not able to break from his mom in the way yours has. I'm so glad you have his support. I know it's exhausting for both of you, in different ways, but you're taking great steps together to nurture and protect your family.

I want to know how it goes so keep us posted!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Thinking of you.
pj
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
zachira
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« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2019, 02:00:59 PM »

It sounds like you really have a handle on what you need to do when your BPD mother in law visits. Nevertheless, it is still stressful and heartbreaking to have to deal with a family member with BPD. Clearly you would not choose to have a person like this in your inner circle. My mother and my living siblings all had/have BPD. I think it is natural to keep wishing that things would change while dreading the next encounter, not being able to predict what mean behaviors they will engage in.
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Butterbiscuit

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« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2019, 04:18:04 PM »



Pursuingjoy and zachira, I am struck by how much it means to me to read your understanding and affirming words. Thank you! I suppose this has been a bit of a lonely road to walk for us, even though we have seen some therapists when needed and shared our situation with some of our close friends (we are members of a great church)... it’s hard not to feel like the only ones dealing with this type of burden. Sorry we all have to be on this road but glad we are not on it alone.

Pursuingjoy, I will be thinking of you on Saturday! Praying it goes well for both of us. Also praying for your husband to be able to see clearly and do what is healthy for him and your family. My husband’s progress with this process began to accelerate when I stepped back and went grey rock. I think I became boring, unsatisfying, and possible intimidating to her. Once I took myself out of the equation (as much as possible) she actually started to turn on my husband more and he was able to see more clearly just how difficult she is. I used to try to protect him from her wrath (sending cards and presents for him, making sure he called, helping plan visits..) now that I no longer do these things, he is truly experiencing just how hard it is to keep her happy. Also, these visits, as much as I dread them, seem to shed more and more light on who she really is for him. It’s a slow process, but maybe that’s good because it sure is a lot for a son to take in.

The worst scenario I am anticipating is when the kids are down for bed or if she gets one of us alone she may have an emotional outburst over the state of her relationship with our family. In which case I am already planning on politely declining to have that conversation. (Easier said that done!) How about you? Any scenarios you are anticipating?

Zachira, you hit it right on the head! So stressful and heartbreaking. I am so sorry you have had to experience this with your mom and siblings. I can’t even imagine how difficult that would be. I would love to hear more about how you have approached your relationship with your BPD family members.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #6 on: November 06, 2019, 04:52:05 PM »

What helped my family most in dealing with my step-grandmother's uBPD/NPD situation was distance. Shortly after I was born, my dad moved us 200 miles away, which in the 1950s was good distance. Visits were short, and rarely at our house (at their house, my parents could leave early rather than asking them to leave).

Plus, my dad (naturally a taciturn man) did "grey rock" really well. However, there were a few times I was him look at my step-grandmother and say, "That's enough, Dorothy."  And she backed off. He really supported my more fragile mom while putting the responsibility of her parental interactions on her. (Dorothy could have fallen off the face of the earth, for all he cared - - but he loved and adored my mom. I think he was more strength in her than she knew she had.)

I like idea of not being responsible for the other spouse's parental interactions -- birthday cards, gifts, driving to the doctor and other appointments.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Butterbiscuit

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Relationship status: Daughter in law
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« Reply #7 on: November 06, 2019, 05:10:21 PM »

GaGrl, what a strong example your dad set! He sounds wonderful. His love and care for your mom is very cool. And I love how you said he saw more strength in her than she knew she had. I hope I can do this for my husband as I support him. Thanks for sharing.
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zachira
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« Reply #8 on: November 06, 2019, 05:12:38 PM »

Glad we could help. You said you would like to know more about how I have approached my relationships with my family members with BPD. I am doing many of the same things that you are. I have found that my family members with BPD like to impress most people and act out when only the people they are closest to are around. Having your mother in law stay in a hotel and keeping her busy are both really good strategies. It also helps me to express my feelings about my upcoming visits with them, as you are doing by posting here. Like you I have found therapy and having close friends I can confide in to be very helpful.
We can never really predict when and how our family members with BPD are going to act out in ways that are just unacceptable and overwhelming for people with normal healthy expectations for human behaviors. I find that trying to stay present as much as possible and observing my feelings for around an hour a day helps to prevent most of my feelings about my family members with BPD from overwhelming me though there will be times when what they do is just so hurtful, it is difficult not to get upset or depressed. Let us know how it goes with your mother in law and post as often as you need to, that is what we are here for. Just expressing the worry before the next encounter about what could happen or talking about what just did happen can help to process the feelings and get back to baseline in my experience.
« Last Edit: November 06, 2019, 05:19:23 PM by zachira » Logged

pursuingJoy
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« Reply #9 on: November 07, 2019, 10:12:54 AM »

Pursuingjoy, I will be thinking of you on Saturday! Praying it goes well for both of us. Also praying for your husband to be able to see clearly and do what is healthy for him and your family.

That means a lot. I'll be praying for you two as well. We can do this!

My husband’s progress with this process began to accelerate when I stepped back and went grey rock. I think I became boring, unsatisfying, and possible intimidating to her.

This sounds familiar. Sounds like you've handled yourself like a pro.  Love it! (click to insert in post)

How about you? Any scenarios you are anticipating?

Scenario #1, which is most likely after our conflict 4 months ago, is that she'll be very sweet and lay on the 'I love you even if you don't love me' persona pretty thick. She is incapable of taking responsibility for her part and I don't expect her to. The challenge with this scenario is that it will give my husband fuel to say later, 'See? You're the only one with a problem here.' My response: I'm going to grey rock it all.

Scenario #2 is that she corners me and says, 'I don't know what I did but I'm sorry for whatever it was' and attempts to discuss. Husband, MC and I have agreed I'll just say, "Thank you" then change the subject. If she continues and wants more, 'We've offered to discuss this in-depth with our counselor, the invitation is open whenever you feel ready' then grey rock.

Scenario #3 has to do with logistics. It's hard for my husband to say no to his mom and he is accustomed to making plans with her then telling me what we're doing. At the MC's direction, we have planned Saturday together, and he is to relay the plan to her. As the MC said, this is our family event, she is simply joining us. If his mom decides she wants him to stay longer and fix something at her house, I'll pull him aside and remind him of our agreement. He will tell her he has plans to come up later to help her around the house.

It's exhausting to think through, isn't it?
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Spindle0516
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« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2019, 05:53:12 PM »


Grey rock seems to be the best option for maintaining some kind of peaceful relationship.

How supportive is your spouse?

My husband is very supportive. We’ve been married 6 years and it has certainly been a tumultuous and eye opening journey for my him. His mom really began to display her disfunction on a new level when we became our own family unit who didn’t operate the way she wanted. He recognizes the issues and we process her behavior when we need to. But I have noticed that when we discuss the subject it wears him down quickly and he can only think about it for so long... understandable seeing as how it is his mom. Most of the communication with her is handled by my husband now. He has very good boundaries with her and is able to carry the stress better than I can.



What is "grey rock?" I think I can imagine, but if someone can explain it, that would be amazing.

 And Butterbiscuit- I too have a MIL who is uBPD and I relate to so many of the challenges you have posted about here. Unlike you and Pursuing Joy, I live with my MIL and it has been quite a nightmare at times. My husband and I are trying to figure out how to put some distance between us because we don't really get a break from it.

I often have the same experience with my husband. He has been so supportive of how challenging the role of DIL has been, but it overwhelms him quickly and he also has to take a break from it. We are different in that way- I obsess over it and analyze every way we can handle situations better and he needs to physically turn his brain off  by focusing on other things or he stops being able to function well

I am sending so much positive energy to you and Pursuing Joy for this Saturday.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #11 on: November 08, 2019, 02:35:23 PM »

Spindle, I found an article that describes grey rock:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.purewow.com/wellness/gray-rock-method%3Famphtml%3Dtrue&ved=2ahUKEwjr87neutvlAhVsTt8KHf6uBN8QFjAEegQIDBAe&usg=AOvVaw24kdo5mD7NJaxOgqwp6FAP&ampcf=1

Let us know what you think about the idea!

pj
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
pursuingJoy
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« Reply #12 on: November 10, 2019, 03:05:53 PM »

Butterbiscuit, just wanted to drop you a line and let you know I'm thinking about you. Your bpd family cares!

pj
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Butterbiscuit

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« Reply #13 on: November 11, 2019, 04:48:14 PM »

Thank you pursuingjoy and everyone else for your encouragement. The visit went surprisingly well. We kept busy and the hours spent together were limited. Of course some annoying things were said but it was all very typical and predictable. Sometimes mil with ignite an issue post visit, hoping that is not the case this time. My husband and I continue to try to find the a balance with how we process her... we want to be open with one another but I especially have to be careful not to over do it because it becomes to exhausting and consuming.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #14 on: November 16, 2019, 03:58:10 AM »

Butterbiscuit, so glad it went well! I've been thinking about you, and can relate to your concerns about the fall out after the visit. Any news?

Our recent visit, completely planned, busy and not open-ended, was a success and I want to schedule all future visits with a strict plan. Based on H's comments and feelings, I suspect that my MIL is laying on guilt pretty thick. He is taking all day Sunday to go see her.

I took the initiative of suggesting we visit her for Thanksgiving, and he of course jumped at the idea. I shared what I wanted to ensure it was a successful, positive visit (prioritizing our family's needs and schedule, planning a time to arrive and leave, we are bringing food) and he is with me for the time being. I'm fully expecting her to push back on these boundaries at some point, which will make him turn on me, and they'll gang up.

Just know you're in good company,  we are in this together!

pj
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
zachira
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« Reply #15 on: November 16, 2019, 11:40:03 AM »

I am glad the visit with your MIL went so well! You and your husband are very smart to prepare for her visits so they will be less stressful for everyone, which probably is less stressful for your MIL over time as she adapts to the changes to a certain degree.
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« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2019, 06:56:18 PM »

Hi, I am new also and really appreciated the constructive advice shared, the planning and great boundaries. More than anything, it was so encouraging to learn that your efforts paid off and you had a successful visit!

Thank you for sharing the grey rock link, very helpful!

I recently returned to a therapist who I have worked with on and off for many years to help me manage through challenges I am experiencing with my sister. He suggested the likelihood that my sister is BPD and so I have been diving in and doing lots of reading. The reading and this site are really helping validate experiences over decades and giving me hope that I too, can begin to set better boundaries with my sister.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #17 on: November 18, 2019, 09:27:20 AM »

My husband and I continue to try to find the a balance with how we process her... we want to be open with one another but I especially have to be careful not to over do it because it becomes to exhausting and consuming.

I'm borrowing your wisdom here, I'm working on this too!

You and your husband are very smart to prepare for her visits so they will be less stressful for everyone, which probably is less stressful for your MIL over time as she adapts to the changes to a certain degree.

This is a really great observation, zachira! Tucking this away...

The reading and this site are really helping validate experiences over decades and giving me hope that I too, can begin to set better boundaries with my sister.

Mommydoc, welcome!  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) I'm so glad you're here. When you feel ready, go ahead and start a new thread on the board, we'd love to hear more about what you've learned with your sister and what you're working through!

pj
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
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